Scattered Thoughts
Thought it might be a good idea to have my own thread where I can think things out and rant without feeling guilty about invading other peoples spaces.
@admaiorasemper
hope you're okay
Losing time-- this is new for me from what I remember
How can two whole hours go by so fast? I swear I checked the time ten minutes ago-- I haven't been staring at the wall for that long, have I? Guess I have-- don't like that
Tired of making conversation
@ThePizza Its always a little disconcerting when it happens. To find that hours have passed and you have idea where it went. If it happens often M you might want to mention it to your counselor. You could be dissociating.
How have you been M? I'm sorry I haven't been around much. How did your finals go? Swimming going ok? Sorry - questions. You don't have to answer them of course. You're in my thoughts M
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Overall Ive been doing okay— had some good days/good parts which was nice but last couple of days have been difficult again. Finals, well taking them sucked but I did very well so that was a relief. Better than I expected (though about what Id hoped for) and better than Id originally thought I had done after taking the tests. New classes have been stressful, though a bit less dragging. Swimming has been rough, I had some good practices but was sick during a meet a couple weeks ago (right before finals too, ack). Took a while for me to get better, and I skipped some practices because of that but also because I was feeling pretty bad and didnt have motivation to go. Its been hard to get back into it since I got an ear infection and I have an appointment with my counselor every week. Ear infections gone but I have to miss a day each week because the appointments have very limited hours. Frustrating since my counselor will be going on maternity leave soonish too. Ive been trying to talk about more pressing issues, and havent really gotten to that yet but at least I got closer at the last meeting with a tougher subject, yay progress I guess. (This is probably hard to read, sorry about that— thoughts are disjointed) Also Ive got a lot of anxiety about this other thing happening with some friends that I feel so so guilty about and Ahhhh. Definitely doesnt help me sleep at night
It kinda feels nice to have specific questions to answer— gives me a starting point. Its completely okay that you havent been around much— I havent been either, but more importantly… hmm not sure how to word it. Just, I guess, I know its hard. Its hard for me too. Not in the same way of course since were different people but similar feeling I think. Actually yeah the questions were really helpful to me— been wanting to write for a few days now but couldnt get the words
Take care
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My reply to a daily check in that I wanted to add here, just to have for later I guess
1. Is there anything bothering you or upsetting you today?
My apparent lack of self control, with many things but specifically at the moment lack of self control when it comes to classwork/homework/studying. Wishing I could just stay focused for long enough to get my work done in a reasonable amount of time, instead of staring at walls and losing hours of valuable time. Everyone tells me I'm good at time management but I don't believe that I am.
2. What three things do you think of most each day?
How best to get ahead on assignments/how to finish my homework even with swim practice and circuit training/yoga (goes along with the practice), things I dislike about myself that I want to change, how I act in front of people, how I act around and what I say or don't say to a specific person, that song stuck in my head, trying to have better self control, getting my work done in a timely manner, trying to lower anxiety about things such as school and especially swim practice, eating/not eating/wanting to be healthier but struggling to get enough sleep, drink enough water, and having a hard time getting the right nutrition (for multiple reasons), regretting things or feeling guilt/shame about something in the past or present, etc. (Guess that's more than three)
3. What is one thing you will never do again?
[Redacted]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Head is too full
Trying to be more authentic
There's always the doubt that those I care about don't actually like me
Doubt by twenty one pilots
Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity
Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty
Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety
Don't know what's inside of me
Don't forget about me
Don't forget about me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you, no, no
Temperature is dropping, temperature is dropping
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no
You are all that I've got, no
Don't forget about me
Don't forget about me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you, no, no, no, no, no
Gnawing on the bishops, claw our way up their system
Repeating simple phrases, someone holy insisted
I want the markings made on my skin
To mean something to me again
Hope you haven't left without me
Hope you haven't left without me, please
Don't forget about me
Don't forget about me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you, no
Don't forget about me
Don't forget about me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you, no, no, no, no
Hey! Hey!
Don't forget about me, no
Hey! Hey!
Don't forget about me, no
Hey! Hey!
Don't forget about me, no
Hey! Hey!
Don't forget about me, no
New find-- This Is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco
@ThePizza i used to be obsessed with that song
@ThePizza what a song
What about Northern downpour
Got the results of the test back. Above average intelligence according to the IQ they measured. No ADD or ADHD--- it's just high anxiety and I also tested high for depression. The IQ measure plays into that too as well
Not gonna lie--- kinda glad for the high depression diagnosis. Now I can firmly push away feelings of guilt for thinking I have depression/feeling depressed. And it'll be a good conversation starter about those feelings with the counselor, as we'll be discussing the test results in the next meeting.
@ThePizza Hey M - that is great news. Well - ok. - no not really. I'm sorry you tested so high for the anxiety and depression but glad that it helps get rid of the guilt. Now maybe people will stop blaming it being a teenager - yeah? Good luck with the new counselor - that's a really good way to get to know each other. A good first session - awesome! I hope things go well
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I'm happy for you in terms of clarity, knowing the war you are fighting helps when picking your weapon :) what kind of test did you do?
@ThePizza
I brought you marshmellows :)
@mytwistedsoul
Much needed
Thank you so much! I love the rainbow too!
@ThePizza Sugar rush!
