Scattered Thoughts

I'm sorry--- I wasn't/I'm not there for you

So so sorry... so I should DO something about that. Why am I not???

TRIGGER WARNING

Sometimes I wonder if something happened-- if I've forgotten something, forced myself to forget it. There's one person who I don't always feel comfortable around--- and to my knowledge they've never DONE anything to me (parent). A possible auditory trigger, which I get from most people but especially them. And I realized that for some reason I don't always trust them--- I was reaching into the car to grab my swim bags and I suddenly felt they were looming over me, ready to strike. They weren't--- of course they weren't. Walked into the house and felt the intense urge to get away from them--- almost to the point of tears. Is it because I'm physically and mentally drained from the practice I just had? I managed to put in a lot of effort and that was one of the best practices I've had in a long long time, but it was SO mentally draining to stay on that effort level. And then I had circuit training, which made me even more tired, not to mention the fact that I hadn't been to practice since Monday because of the holidays. But I just-- I don't even feel like I have a right to be WRITING about this. For a while it's been in the very very back of my mind--- I haven't been addressing it because I feel like it's all fake (mimmicking?). That's it--- I'm ashamed. Ashamed of thinking that I have a reason to feel this way because I don't. NOTHING happened to me-- I don't get it.

I'm tired.

Arguing. Constant arguing in my head (including over this)

I feel like things have been building up inside for a long time. Havent really had many outlets recently, mostly due to my own lack of motivation. I dont really feel in control as Im writing this— sort of, the words are coming out and I dont particularly have any motivation to think them through or judge their accuracy. Something has taken over the task for me— so here goes I guess.

It would probably be a lot easier in some ways to give little updates or whatever every day instead of waiting and trying to get rid of it all at once. Oh well. This is the way things are so why am I even bothering to debate about it— sigh

I guess I dont have anything in particular to say, but Im here anyway— I enjoy talking to friends Ive made here and also its probably because I feel I can be honest and open too. Although, that does lead to embarrassment and cringing sometimes— I mean, some of the stuff Ive written here, the way I wrote it, yikes— but still better than being sealed off completely.

I did used to function like that— kept everything locked up inside, didnt tell anyone how I was feeling and tried my best to never talk about myself, because I didnt want to always shift the subject to me. Well, a couple of anguish sessions later, I talked to a friend and… well how it happened is a different story, but I made a promise/agreement to put effort into being more honest and open about my actual feelings. Ever since then Ive never been able to completely seal myself off like I once could. At the time I still had that ability I thought of it as an armor— well I got cracks in the armor and eventually it shattered. I havent succeeded in completely taking it off yet, but I try to turn it off at times. I dont really know how well its been going. Lately, Id guess not so well.

So, trying to get better— ha! Definitely have a hard time with that. Partly because, well, taking care of yourself properly isnt always fun— eating healthy takes an effort, and so does remembering to drink water and go to sleep early. Trying to stop excessively negative thinking— who has the energy to reprimand each and every negative thought and come up with positive alternatives to each? To me, its all about self control— mental strength— ugh.

For example— trying to get through swim practice. Ive always been unhappy with my performance in the sport, especially when all my friends and the people in my group seem to improve a lot more than I ever do. It doesnt help for me to compare myself to my friends who are a) almost all younger than me and b) much faster than me, but, well, here I am! So on Friday I decide, okay, Im going to make all practices from here on out count. (Last weekend was a meet; thats probably why I got motivated in a burst like that. This always happens— I make empty promises to myself in an effort to get faster, but I never change my ways.) Friday was kinda lucky in a way because it was butterfly day, my best and favorite stroke. Well, I mean butterfly day is also bad for me because I get stressed during it, because I feel like I need to perform extremely well since its my stroke and Im supposed to be good at it and I need to be better than the people whos best stroke isnt butterfly and— I think you get the idea. Well, I turned out to have a really good practice that day. I mean by the end of the main set my technique sucked, but I was making the intervals and stuck with my goal of doing eight underwaters and only breathing after my first stroke on select walls like I wanted to. So that was awesome. I did it, right? A successful practice? Yay! Now to just to that every day—

Every moment of that main set sucked. I had to scream at myself to stay on top of things. It was stressful to meet my own expectations each time, and disheartening to know I lowered my expectations a bit because of my mistrust in my abilities, and my tendency to underperform. It was mentally exhausting. I hated it. I wanted to leave, stop, anything. Is that seriously what it takes? That level of mental discipline? To be wholly focused on something for that long— to have to wholly focus on any task Im trying to get done with that level of intensity— I dont want to have to go through that with every little thing I try to accomplish! And even if I chose to only use this for swim practices— for two hours straight I have to push myself and reign myself in, keep myself in check and remember all Im supposed to do to improve— I have to control myself, FORCE myself to work hard? For six days a week, EVERY week?? It was so, so hard to have that kind of mental discipline. I dont want to have to do that every day— I dont think I CAN sustain that— it was exhausting and draining. And that was a GOOD day for me— what happens on freestyle day, a day I already hate because I lack the mental discipline to do it? Sure I used mental discipline to stay on track for the fly, but to some extent I already HAD a level of discipline. For freestyle the level is already low.

Why is it so hard for me to comprehend my own damn mind?? I dont understand a lot of the things I think about— the different connections and jumps from subject to subject, the topics flurries in my head— whoah slow down! Thats too fast! If only I could harness this feverish energy— yeesh. Ive seen lots of things while looking at posts or articles where people ask, how do I find out X about myself? And then the people who answer say, oh, just think about these questions and your answers to them. If you answer this question with XYZ, then you can come to X conclusion. Well, what happens if I dont even KNOW what my answer to the question is in the first place?! Where do I go from there?! Well, Ill tell you— nowhere, I go nowhere— endless loops, circles, twists, and turns.

I have a lot more in the back of my mind Id like to talk about— this just scratches the surface— but I am getting tired, and apparently sleep is important or something, hahaha. Seriously— did I just write all of that? I dont feel like Im here. Derealization? I dont know. Anyway, lets see if I can pretend to be unconscious well enough to actually fall and stay asleep— if not, well Ill be back, lurking.

Who reads this stuff? I dont even know what I mean by that— see this iSNT ME WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHO WROTE THIS

Ive been feeling so discontent with myself— anxious, stressed out, sad— generally unhappy. Empty, I guess. I dont know— its hard for me to tell what Im feeling these days. Everything is just kinda a haze. Sure, in moments I feel happy, but it doesnt seem to last. And my thoughts always plague me.

And Ive been withdrawn from my friends a lot lately too. A lot of my friends are going to a different school now, so we dont talk much and that kinda sucks— at the same time though, Ive just kinda… accepted it for the time being. I dont have the energy to feel bad about it I guess. But I even have trouble talking to my close friends. I want to talk with them, and I mean theyre my close friends for a reason— I enjoy talking and spending time with them. But lately I just havent felt— motivated to talk to them, and I feel like I add unnecessary tension to our conversations. Specifically, two of them have asked me if I can do or get something, which I need to confirm with my parents. But even though what theyre asking of me isnt bad, and in fact theyre good things, I still feel dread at having to ask them because Im worried about their judgements and that theyll probably say no anyway, or be all miffed that Im asking. So I— havent asked yet, which I feel guilty about. And so Im avoiding those two people a little because I dont want them to think Im ignoring their questions. I dont know. Its all a mess and I can see very clearly that Im not handling it the right way but my mind has apparently decided to keep pushing forward with it.

Another thing— Im pretty darn tired— physically. I havent been getting much sleep for a while now, and I thought break would help with that, but apparently not. Still going to bed about the same time— but now I often find myself waking up early in the morning and unable to fall back asleep for a good hour or so. This morning I couldnt go back to sleep at all— Ive been up since four. And I WANT to sleep, I really do; in fact thinking about my lack of sleep terrifies me on some deep level because I know its unhealthy and contributing to a shorter life span and yet— and yet— I still cant sleep. Cant fall asleep during the day either— I always snap my eyes open because I start to get anxious about stuff that needs to get done. Yet I also have a hard time forcing myself to do it (there goes the executive dysfunction again), and so I end up just kinda sitting there.

There is some comfort in writing this all out— I dont know— Ive always enjoyed writing, and used in this way its a good outlet. Sadly I havent been able to write stories in a long time— I have one particular project in my mind, Ive had it in my mind for quite some time, but havent been able to pen it yet. It makes me sad.

Kinda ironic that an aspiring writer would have such a hard time expressing themselves with words, isnt it? Youd think Id be able to easily pull them out of thin air and effortlessly order them in front of me— but hell, I cant even figure out the right combination to explain things to myself.

Message Man by twenty one pilots

@ThePizza Hey M - how are you?

I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year.

I hope 2020 is a good year for you. I'm glad I got the chance to know you. I wish so many good things for you M - peace - contentedness - comfort - joy in just being you. You really are awesome - I hope one day you'll see it like we do.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts Take Care - yeah?

Frustrated— sleeps been harder than ever. Disjointed

Been doing alot of distracting— hasnt helped

Well, I now have something to look forward to for tomorrow— initially I was excited but now Ive just slipped back into a daze which makes me sad

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day— idk

@ThePizza Hey M - how are you? Pretty busy I bet - silly question - yeah? I saw these - and you came to mind - so I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing them with you here

Does anyone else just feel like they are completely unlovable or is just me??

Y Æ T