Rotten apple
Im Lisa...Hi, My problems seem small compared to what ive read other people endured here on the site.
Is it even fair that i felt better after reading that stuff? It actually made me realize I haven't been through such distressing hardships as some, but is that unavoidable?
I will be looking around and working on my attitude caused by loosing control of my addictions to opiates and sex. They fuel eachother.
It all started out as fun and games but not anymore!! My worst problem is the heroin, but also alcohol and other drugs contribute to my anxiety, depression, my violenct outbursts on family and male and female lovers. "Who do i think i am" So managing emotional swings and cravings causes frequent panic attacks and I lash out. Im good at what i do at work but its easy supporting my heroin and sex cravings. Im a major royal bitch and I need to stop this mess i created.
How can i stop if i cant tell anybody?
Am i a hopeless case? K well, thats me🍎
Today i made what im calling New Years Soup. I decided to use up all my canned goods. I started with my biggest pasta pan 3/4th full of water, as is began to boil i added 2 boxes of those genaric rice side dish meals with their seasoning, then i added 2 cans of albacore tuna, 2 cans of (drained) corn, 1 can of carrots (sliced), 1 can of refried beans, a big bag of egg noddles, after 20 minutes on high stirring a lot, i reduced the stove to low and added 3 microwaved potatotes, the last of the bbq sauce, a good bit of soy sauce, a can of condenced chicken soup, and thickly sliced onion, garlic powder and pepper. Im simmering it on low for 25 more min but just had a bowl and it wad way better than expected :->
Just did another few of my path steps to get my focus. 337 steps done thus far and moving ahead, but never straight!
Ok, up to step #3 5 9 now but im starting to feel panic and manic, im craving but cant tell what i need to calm myself down. I truly feel disturbed, absolutely coming unglued. I hate my life like this. I feel like im stuck and destinef to suffer. I dont want to be this weak or vulnerable. Ok ill try more steps
Step 469 but stuck stuck stuck like i dont give a.......
@TartRipeApples Hey Tart, well done in reaching step 469! I'm sorry to hear that you are stuck, and I hope things get better for you. You are stronger than you think, and we are here for you. Best wishes, and Happy New Year! :)
Almost had a full on melt down last night and refrained from posting about it and pulled it together. It when the very same frustrations hit and then comes the energy to do something to solve the problem, but its impossible to move without a real plan forward. Im so situationally stuck and i cannot see my way out. Its tearing my insides out to be stuck like this for 4.5 years now.
I always seemed to know some day i would have to slow down and deal with all the pain and losses. Now it is as though i have subconsiencly beaten myself to nearly not being able to take another step. I now regret forcing myself to look introspectively because it's more than I can handle. I've managed to completely handicap myself, and take on many self destructive habits. I make no progress other than flashes of logical inner discovery, but im so unorganized that im overwhelmed by the tasks before me. Im my own worst critic and seem to harm myself to mask more pain. Am i insain or just paying for my mistakes in my own way? I cant say.
@TartRipeApples nobody should have blindsided you like that when you were down. mature people keep it to themselves, otherwise it's vindictive, they want you to feel pain.
@dworth257
Yes, much very vindictive behaviors happened but i didnt deserve it. It was a petson trying not to expose the many evil things they did by casting blame. I was an easy target and was used as a scapegoat. After many years i still cannot believe the amount of damage they caused so many. Lots of us will suffer every day from it.
I struggle and cannot move forward. My eyes didnt see what was happening right in front of me until it was to late.
@TartRipeApples not to continue to harp, just wanna help -- do you have anxiety? Sometimes I create huge problems in my head that aren't there.
@dworth257 Thank you
I noticed i have done that in the past, but this all was very real, and many of us still are affected by all the fallout.
@TartRipeApples :( I'm really sorry to hear that. I've felt like that before, too. If it was real I guess the best thing you can do is just cut them out of your life and do your best to move on. It doesn't take away the pain, but just try to trust that things end up how they're supposed to. I struggle with this myself but it's all you can really do.
@dworth257, Yes, ive done that. No contact at all for many years now, but i sit alone in depression unable to change my lonely existance, no money, and if i had money, i fear change and dont know what to do. Ive been isolated for years. I used to be so optimistic but i cannot see a way to change the way this seems destined to end. Im very discouraged and have a feeling on me i cannot escape from. Its sucked away me will to keep trying, and thats very upsetting for me to have realized
@TartRipeApples I'm going through something really similar. It's terrible to feel like you can't get these feelings off you. Mine feel like chains sometimes. I hope we both find a way. You're not alone
@dworth257
I feel like i need to completely hit the road and start over while i have some sort of small chance to find something different because mediocity just is erroding my will and time feels quite limited. I appreciate your messages. I really hope we can shake this off l, catch a second wind, and find a place to fit in and feel better soon
@TartRipeApples I hope you do too :( that really is a terrible feeling. I'm still trying to figure out what is real and what is my anxiety, but my feelings are definitely the same. I have trouble telling the difference lately
@dworth257
I may be a few years ahead as i remember that phase of my questioning and needing validation for my thoughts and feelings. After you realize your not in any way mentally ill, then you have to get to know yourself deeply, then seach for your purpose and direction. The key is to jump ahead, dont loose as many years as i have in the process because your health suffers, your will suffers, and you can start developing mental health problems. Now i suspect i have paranoia and now understand i have severe ptsd and depression. It took years for my allowing it to decay who i am, and its sad to discover i lost much of my good self along the long hard path. I forced myself to suffer because i was blaming myself but it wasnt even my fault. I was acting normally and got blindsided so i was mad at myself for not seeing the one i trusted and loved the most was scheming my demise for profit. Had i seen it, or reccognised the signs, so many people would not have been hurt with me.
@TartRipeApples wow. that is an incredibly hard situation, i'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for your wisdom, I really appreciate it. You certainly gave me a lot to think about. I also feel as though I have unnecessarily hurt others in my struggle, and misplacing pain and trust.