Rotten apple

I tried to upvote myself, like a preverbial pat on the back for not using today.

fyi, it doesn't work 🤑

It's a good day thus far!

Making progress: on step 106 plus badges, they are piling up. I used today so still looking at step 1 of the 12 steps.

Just finished step 150 and got the 7 dat steak badge but all these rewards and im still forced to use or lose my miind

Im here and i really tried but quitting is making my life a living hell. Everything is off balance, I cant think straight, my mood is grim like "whats the point?" Im thinking about suicide right now rather than fail. I cut my wrist and im breaking down im trying to do good but i know i have to use or i will loose my mind

I tried to find somebody on this site to talk to but my listener never got back to me as we planned and i cant see any chatrooms when i go there i only see the word chatroom. Ive posted more than 50 times but all but 1 got a reply. This isnt a very good site. Im past 150 steps but the just reapeat themselves. Im using today, ive decided i cant do it all alone and i couldnt find any help here. Fk it

I took154 steps but still at the bottom

Step 171 and its getting more challenging to quit, im achy, tired, and miserable like the life is getting pulled away and its hard to enjoy anything. Where can i go for help?

I've done 205 of the steps on my path so far which is helping to remind me better ways of coping

Step 249 now, I may not be doing it right because I'm very much a mess. I slipped back to what I know best. Addiction has control over every part of my life. I cannot function without it. I use to try to appear normal when people are near me. My alone time is painful even when I use because now I feel like it's all I'm thinking about. I think about the deadend in my near furure. My life has zero meaning. I'm a fraud, I fake my way through each day, and I hate fake people, so I feel I'd be doing myself and the world a big favor if I just consume a leathal dose. Oh fucking well step 249 big fucking whaaa hoo

Im trapped in my thinking, im a prisoner of my puzzled life. im unable to trust, im a little paranoid. Addiction has taken away everything and everybody I love the most leaving me unable to want to take another breath.

Addiction has left me looking like an able person but im unable to care for myself and i cannot get the help i need because although im a very good communicator, im unable to explain or even understand why ive become unable to funtion with even my basic life duties.

I have a daily life full of suffering and i try hard to be a nice person and i am, but people see me as lazy, which im not and i spend amost all my time researching for help and direction and a purpose while struggle being disabled without any help.

When im in public struggling and somebody offers to help me, im so self conscience and frustrated that i can only say "thanks for offering, im ok", but im not ok. I cant get help because i cant trust anybody getting close because i cant even trust myself.

I put in countless hours trying to solve this puzzle while in constan mental and physical pain and i dont want to continue.

Im stuck unable to end it, unable to solve it, and unable to describe how im damaged to anybody.

Ive tried to get help but they cant see the problem im trying to describe so i get abandoned each time, so its becoming painfully apparent to me its all going to colapse soon. Im not ready to explain it all again, it took all u have to finally make lunch so i'll eat and then sleep as long as possible just like all my yesterdays