Rotten apple
Im Lisa...Hi, My problems seem small compared to what ive read other people endured here on the site.
Is it even fair that i felt better after reading that stuff? It actually made me realize I haven't been through such distressing hardships as some, but is that unavoidable?
I will be looking around and working on my attitude caused by loosing control of my addictions to opiates and sex. They fuel eachother.
It all started out as fun and games but not anymore!! My worst problem is the heroin, but also alcohol and other drugs contribute to my anxiety, depression, my violenct outbursts on family and male and female lovers. "Who do i think i am" So managing emotional swings and cravings causes frequent panic attacks and I lash out. Im good at what i do at work but its easy supporting my heroin and sex cravings. Im a major royal bitch and I need to stop this mess i created.
How can i stop if i cant tell anybody?
Am i a hopeless case? K well, thats me🍎
Step One
K, I admitted im powerless over my addiction and that my lives has become unmanageable, now what?🍎
Working step 1
A) Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
Yes, everything i do revolves around hiding my dirty secrets from everybody i know
B) What is it like when I
Step 1 (continued)
G) What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
It quickly changed recently from fun recreational into desperate needing. its a must have feeling of angry mixed emotions.
H) Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others?
My relationships were easy before but now sex is more of a need in order to feel secure.
Being fixated on having large supply is scary because i planned doing less, but im tempted and do more instead and emotionally i crave the attention and i never felt like this before
I) How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
Im ashamed which is new for me
🍎
Im not convinced i have to stop completely and step one says i need to surrender and obstain. Is there a way to manage this back to the way things were in the begining? 🍎
Step 1
Why is the first step so big, i cant reach this
Sitting with the dragon getting burned
I am a rotten apple
Im not angry about using right now, im comfortable believing i will learn to tame this.....sortakindamaybe🍎
fooling myself? how many before me lied to themself to? why will i be the success story? am i just another fool?
@TartRipeApples
Hi--I want to say that your problems and feelings matter and I'm happy that you're engaging with them. (It would cause some issues for me if people's experiences only mattered in proportion to how serious their problems are, because it would mean that the happier I get, the less value or worth I have as a human being, hehe.)
I'm sorry to hear about the stress/difficulty you're having with the addictions you mention. My first reaction is to want to say that those addictions must be doing something positive for you... which isn't me wanting to encourage heroin use so much as to say, "It's understandable to be doing what you're doing." Like, when you describe feeling like you have a need for this, I imagine your life as something that's currently set up or organized around these addictions. They're providing something of value, and you're aware that if they went away, you'd be losing something or it would destabilize that setup a bit and feel pretty scary. I feel like it's no different than someone planning their life around a particular job, relationship, or living situation; it's something you consider important.
I guess maybe a difference is that people can talk proudly and excitedly about their new house or new relationship--whereas with this, it's an uncomfortable thing to feel like what you care about and are thinking about is something that you can't share. I can completely understand feeling like you can't really tell anyone. Like it's something you have to keep to yourself or else it'll cause problems or be extremely uncomfortable.
I don't consider you to be rotten at all. I feel like you're earnestly working through this and trying to do your best, and your feelings make sense. You're in a situation where you're trying to figure out what will meet you needs, what will turn out okay, and what isn't going to be a humongous amount of suffering.
Maybe that'll be the tipping point for all of this... if it feels like maintaining the addictions is causing more suffering than it would be to live without them. Or if you feel like you're able to arrive at a realistic, practical way of altering your current life organization so that you have something to replace the addictions that provides at least some of the value they're currently giving you.
(I feel like it would be irresponsible for me to not mention that I know nothing about drug addiction and have no experience with it. And I'm vaguely aware that with certain types of drug addiction, depending on the seriousness or type of addiction, there are severe or even dangerous withdrawal symptoms. So, it's possible that if you want to stop using them, it may be something that is best done with the guidance and supervision of a medical professional who specializes in those addictions.)
Hi In a sence Its been my everything, i dont want to say goodbye, i used my super power escape where my existance is comfortable .....in every way. I couldnt imagine living with out so i worry if i try ill be unable to.
my afair my solice pleasure peace refuge and saftey all these years. Its changed now, its leading me so i have to follow and catch, its powers much more now so im lost i dont want reality to invade. Maybe its midlife mixing up, i dont know but its identity id be lost without. it connected all of my parts but i dont know how big a bite to take any more.
