Pieces of the Jigsaw

@Everlee

🤗 ❤️

@Everlee

🤗 ❤️

Please leave me alone, please stay away. I don't want anyone.

I have wasted quite some years in my life not doing anything, wasting time as much as possible, ruining my schedule, messing things up, being angry about nothing, giving myself a headache, hurting myself, invalidating myself, stressing too much, hating myself, thinking about giving up, crying about studies, crying about not being good enough, crying about not being there for people, crying for not having friends, crying because of family issues, crying for feeling lonely when I am not, crying for not being normal, crying for not meeting expectations, crying for not scoring well, crying for being average, crying, crying, crying and crying. I have spent a lot of time hearing "you are just a teenager, this will pass, this is just a phase, everyone struggles, these aren't even problems, you are thinking too much" maybe I AM thinking too much, maybe I AM being a "Teenager" maybe these aren't "real" problems, maybe I AM too self-centered and maybe this is just a phase but it hurts really bad. It hurts when I know that I need to score better yet I can't concentrate but only get distracted and forget everything I read. It hurts that I can't fulfil my parents' expectation when the only thing they ask me to do is to study, sometimes parents just have too many expectations but if they are paying so much money to my school, I think that they have all the rights to have expectations from me to score well and get into a good university and yet I can't do that one simple thing they are asking for instead just disappointing them. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging but I'm tired of being there for people and nobody being there for me, I just wonder if someone would even care if I was not present and deep down I even know that the answer is no because sis they only come to you when they are struggling and don't care about you otherwise but I understand them as well because I just don't deserve anyone, my presence itself a torture but I can't help it. I am tired of being tired, I'm tired of me too and I'm tired of everyone else too just as they are tired of me. I am just stuck in a loop where I don't recognize myself anymore and I don't want to continue to be in the loop with this stranger I have become but I don't even have a choice. It just hurts. I can't see anything but a failure in myself and it fucking hurts to continue with having no wish to do so. I don't like being angry, I don't like to be dry, I don't like to cry but I am too messed to change myself again. I cry for nothing and everything at the same time. If it wasn't for my parents, I would have ended it all when I wanted to but I can't do it anymore. I am just a corpse in this reality and I am tired of looking for ways to live again. I don't want "friends" I don't want anyone, I just want some happiness and peace and I wish I knew where to find it because I am too tired of searching for it. I'm tired of the lies, I am scared of getting close to people, I am disappointed with myself and I don't know how to fix me and not for myself but for my parents, I will never quit, I don't think I can, not anymore. I am just stuck and I'll be stuck in this loop forever and ever thinking about every single way I wasted all of my time, I knew and yet I couldn't do anything about it. I deserve nobody and for the kind of person I am, it's of course better for people if they stay away from me. I am never getting attached to anyone again. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, I would never do that on purpose and if I do, I would never be able to accept myself, it's really better for people to be away from me and though it hurts, it's for the best and I can't change for anyone else again. I'm too tired. I just wish I knew a way to get out of this loop without hurting anyone.

*hugsssss* @Everlee ❤

*shares lots of ice cream cake and pizzaa*

🍭

My darling dear, you're never here
When I'm in pain you hide and disappear
Like shadows in the atmosphere
Charming the stratosphere, yeah
I prayed for you, and catch you near
In hopes you'd chase away my fears
I'm on my own, you made it so
And now I'm chasing nightmares through your pain

I used to run with you through the great big leaves
Laugh at you when you laugh at me
Hope for us because I believed
That home was just you and me

I thought you were the one for me
That's why I gave you everything
Held you close by the stormy seas
Oh, you meant the world to me

Oh I'm gonna do this on my own
No point in blaming you-you did not know

Everything by Diamond Eyes

The two sides of me:

First side:

Bruh I don't give a damn about what you think, if I wanna do something Imma go do it, you have been controlling my life for so long and if for once I feel like saying that I wanna be independent, ya think I am selfish? I AM SELFISH THEN, do whatever you want to, Imma just disappear from your lives and live happily. I didn't expect this from you, NEVER. I never thought you'd classify me thinking about being independent as selfish. I have a life and I wanna live it because I got plans and I'm sorry for being this bitch I'm not gonna take any responsibilities just for ya to tell me how imprudent I am all the time

Second side:

Sigh, I don't think I can do it, they have been there for me for so long and even if I don't wanna be with them I don't wanna sound rude but Imma just repay and go away because I'm very irresponsible. I know there's so much time for that to happen but the fact that they are just double-faced doesn't get along with me. Sometimes they don't wanna live with me and she doesn't want me to visit her frequently but then she says that I'm being too much selfish for only talking about living alone and being happy, is being happy selfish? I don't wanna stay for anyone and I can't stay for anyone, I don't want a life like that and maybe too young to take any decisions but looking at all the restrictions from the past I don't want it to continue and I just wanna be free and away and live in peace and be happy all by myself. I know they wouldn't expect this after so many years but if they aren't wrong, I'm not wrong either. I will be there but I don't wanna live a life like that, I just wanna do what I want to which won't be possible if she comes with me. I love her and maybe she loves me too but I don't know why she would say this, am I really selfish? Am I really not thinking much?