I'm home, finally.
This may not be the place where I wanted to be at this point, but I have nowhere else to go. Life has changed so much but somehow, it's still the same(?), I guess I am getting an unwanted reality check every single day. It's not easy to be here, it's not easy to continue, it's not easy to even think about a tomorrow but somehow, I'm still here (idk just physically maybe?) Would it matter if I wasn't here? (Oh, I totally didn't overthink that) Not much would change though but okay that's alright we will simply ignore that like all those other thoughts. Am I finally going to rant? I guess - here goes life ~ so much has changed and I miss those old times but at the same time, I don't want it all to happen again. I just think that some things are just repeating themselves and of course I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be that depressed again. I was doing well; everything was just fine and now suddenly I feel like I'm back to square one? Did I even make any progress? Did I even try hard? What is wrong with me? Am I the problem? I think I am; I always end up creating more and more problems for myself. No doubt, I'm the problem but then, is there a way out of this? I really don't know. The worst part is, I know that I have been here before but I really don't know what got me here again and how the fork am I supposed to get out of this place. I am tired, once again. I am lost, once again. I'm clueless and idk I just want all of this to end? Like please don't start, I've had enough why the fork are you coming back are you a rubber band~ Or at least just snap back like a rubber, at least it would hurt a little, at this point I'm in the middle of nowhere - I feel like I'm legit deciding if I should get hurt or not and I'm here questioning my existence and I don't even think that I'm making sense anymore, what is up with me goodnesss- I think I need to spend time with myself, I really need to do that but how am I supposed to do that when I'm not comfortable being myself? How am I supposed to accept my thoughts when I just know that everything is just BS- At this point I'm just confused, am I really going through stuff? Or am I doing this to myself? I might have said that I miss my depression and I kinda meant it but I didn't want stuff to repeat itself so fast like who the spoon is sitting there writing this chapter of my life? Did you run out of ideas or something- I can help trust me! I don't want you to repeat this story, this was hard to get over, I cried a lot, I bled a lot, I don't want that to happen again or maybe just stop, don't write anything further, that would be okay as well. Aaa okay coming back to the point, I need to change, I need to accept myself like okay this is my life - I need to be comfortable around myself - but idk how I'm supposed to do that but okay I'll figure it out and it will end or maybe it will end me, whatever - anything would work like a charm. Oh ~ I also thought about it but I'm clean. I AM CLEANNNN. I think I just need some peace in my life and things will be fine, where do they sell peace though- Will found out~~~~ But how do I always manage to get depressed before exams though- Anyway that's all for this time, will see you soon, jigsaw~
