I have wasted quite some years in my life not doing anything, wasting time as much as possible, ruining my schedule, messing things up, being angry about nothing, giving myself a headache, hurting myself, invalidating myself, stressing too much, hating myself, thinking about giving up, crying about studies, crying about not being good enough, crying about not being there for people, crying for not having friends, crying because of family issues, crying for feeling lonely when I am not, crying for not being normal, crying for not meeting expectations, crying for not scoring well, crying for being average, crying, crying, crying and crying. I have spent a lot of time hearing "you are just a teenager, this will pass, this is just a phase, everyone struggles, these aren't even problems, you are thinking too much" maybe I AM thinking too much, maybe I AM being a "Teenager" maybe these aren't "real" problems, maybe I AM too self-centered and maybe this is just a phase but it hurts really bad. It hurts when I know that I need to score better yet I can't concentrate but only get distracted and forget everything I read. It hurts that I can't fulfil my parents' expectation when the only thing they ask me to do is to study, sometimes parents just have too many expectations but if they are paying so much money to my school, I think that they have all the rights to have expectations from me to score well and get into a good university and yet I can't do that one simple thing they are asking for instead just disappointing them. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging but I'm tired of being there for people and nobody being there for me, I just wonder if someone would even care if I was not present and deep down I even know that the answer is no because sis they only come to you when they are struggling and don't care about you otherwise but I understand them as well because I just don't deserve anyone, my presence itself a torture but I can't help it. I am tired of being tired, I'm tired of me too and I'm tired of everyone else too just as they are tired of me. I am just stuck in a loop where I don't recognize myself anymore and I don't want to continue to be in the loop with this stranger I have become but I don't even have a choice. It just hurts. I can't see anything but a failure in myself and it fucking hurts to continue with having no wish to do so. I don't like being angry, I don't like to be dry, I don't like to cry but I am too messed to change myself again. I cry for nothing and everything at the same time. If it wasn't for my parents, I would have ended it all when I wanted to but I can't do it anymore. I am just a corpse in this reality and I am tired of looking for ways to live again. I don't want "friends" I don't want anyone, I just want some happiness and peace and I wish I knew where to find it because I am too tired of searching for it. I'm tired of the lies, I am scared of getting close to people, I am disappointed with myself and I don't know how to fix me and not for myself but for my parents, I will never quit, I don't think I can, not anymore. I am just stuck and I'll be stuck in this loop forever and ever thinking about every single way I wasted all of my time, I knew and yet I couldn't do anything about it. I deserve nobody and for the kind of person I am, it's of course better for people if they stay away from me. I am never getting attached to anyone again. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, I would never do that on purpose and if I do, I would never be able to accept myself, it's really better for people to be away from me and though it hurts, it's for the best and I can't change for anyone else again. I'm too tired. I just wish I knew a way to get out of this loop without hurting anyone.
