Pieces of the Jigsaw

Please ignore this, it could be highly triggering as it's a description of one my episodes and I wouldn't want to trigger you. I just need to let this out.

It was a normal day, a very normal day till something happened and I couldn't breath. I don't know what came to my mind and I decided to sit in the bathtub. I turned the tap on and the water was very cold. I started shivering as the tub filled and when the water stopped automatically, it wasn't cold anymore or probably I stopped feeling cold, I could only feel a strong force against me that kept me inside the tub but my clothes were all wet and my head and stomach were hurting very bad, the pain was intolerable so much that I wanted to get out of the bathtub but I didn't have any strength to do so. My eyes were heavy, I could barely open them, it was all blurry after some time and I passed out inside the tub. When I woke up, I could feel the pain in my whole body but this time I wanted to get out of the bathtub which was extremely hard. I tired to stand up but I couldn't but I still refused to sit inside the bathtub. I tried to roll outside but that failed. I tried to take my leg out of the tub and pushed my body outside and I was out of the tub. I felt like I was going to pass out again, the only thing I could hear was the voices inside my head. With all that was left in my tried to scream, a lot but those screams were quiet and my whole body was hurting even more now that I had forced myself out of the bathtub. My throat was dry, I started rubbing and banging my feet and hands on the floor and I tried to reach the door but I felt heavy. I felt like I was dying but for one last time, I gave a try, I almost reached the door but I was still lying on the floor and my body hurt, I banged the door as hard as I could and it worked, I heard my mom coming upstairs, I suddenly had this ray of unexpected hope and I tried hard to reach the door handle, thankfully, it's a sliding handle and I could slide open it a bit easily, at least that was the easiest part out of this whole episode. She saw me and she tried asking me things but I could barely process them, I passed out and when I woke up, I was lying on the bed and I could barely move my body.

My heart aches for you, I miss you so much, but I don't want you anywhere near me, I don't want to see you again, I don’t want to talk to you again because when you left, it hurt. It hurt because I was getting punished for something that had happened to you, and you had never thought about me, not once. I've been constantly wondering if I am not capable of knowing the truth and if I should be left hanging. I don't hate you, nor do I blame you for anything; I am the one who is responsible for being a horrible person. Everything that has happened is my fault and I hate myself so much already, you were not the one who caused it. Just please don't come back to me. I won't be able to handle any more heartbreaks, because I’m sure you'll leave yet again and I will be blaming myself, once again, for letting you hurt me. I don’t want to repeat those mistakes, not this time so please just don't come back, not even in my thoughts.

Trigger warning

I'm not sure why I am suddenly remembering all of this, probably because I'm on my periods but all I know is, at this moment, I want to let this out.

This is a past incident. Our family was sitting together and enjoying the weekend till dad received a phone call from one of our relatives and we got to know that my cousin committed suicide. The vibes in my house changed and my brother and dad rushed to my uncle's home. When they came back home, our hearts broke into pieces hearing that the major reason behind him giving up on his life. While talking, my dad said "If I were at his (my uncle's place) and my child did this, I would never be able to forgive myself, I would just sit next to their grave all the time and grieve about how I couldn't be there for my child when they needed me the most." my mom was extremely sad as well, so was my brother and I didn't know how to react, I went inside my room and cried. I cried a lot that day because I knew, I finally knew how wrong I was thinking that my parents never cared. All this time, I thought they wouldn't care and would be happy if I left. They would be happy if this huge blob of disappointment left their lives.

I am just glad I didn't give up on my life back when I had everything planned. If there's one reason why I'm here today, it's because I don't want my parents to blame themselves the rest of their lives for something that didn't happen because of them and also my best friend, that guy has saved my whole life, I wouldn't be here if he wasn't there for me. I at least gained a new perspective towards life because of him, he asked me to change things rather than ending them, though I still regret not doing it sometimes, who has a perfect life after all? But now I know I won't do it anymore. I am so grateful for him, I am so grateful that I found this angel stuck by my side when I really couldn't even think about anything else besides giving up.

I literally had so much going on in my mind yesterday that I couldn't stop crying, today feels like an alright day to suddenly remember the mistakes I made or I was about to make, cry on them, think about them, regret, laugh and do everything I can about them and then finally tomorrow (or maybe after some time), I will probably be up with some other random issues. I've said it before, whenever I post something good, like before some day, I said things were alright and the next posts were gosh- this is just Everlee, anything can happen to me, I can be happy and sad altogether, I can have this sudden boost of happiness and then can cry about everything the very next moment and vice versa and after two weeks you will see another post about good stuff that happened or how things are going well and again those issues, Idk if that's weird but that's just me.

I feel the absence of my cousin, I wish he stayed and got the support he needed but he was going through a lot, I hope he's happy where he is now and he is living in peace finally.

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" - Murphy's law
"If you can fail in exam, you will fail in exam" - My best friend who was trying to encourage me but ended up saying the truth. 🙃

I love her a lot but I have hated her too. For most of my childhood I have heard her talking about not returning back or giving up on her life. She was very short-tempered probably because she was always stressed after work after all travelling everyday for about 70 km could really affect anyone but I didn't understand it that much when I was a kid and it hurt when she took it out on me and my sibling. There were rarely some days when people didn't hear loud voices from our house but no matter the amount of anger I had for her, I never wanted to lose her. I was just a child, I couldn't think about anything else but cry at night imagining what would happen next. One day, while sitting on the dining table, I broke down in front of my family after she said she wouldn't return. She probably felt bad after seeing tears in my eyes while I still having my dinner but that didn't stop her from mentioning it again the very next day. Me and my sibling were always scared of her. We tried not to do any mistakes because one of us does the mistake and we both face the consequences. My dad was more patient. He tried to handle the situations in a calmer manner but when he lost his cool too, the house just felt like hell and I would just sit in the corner and cry, I was the youngest after all. I guess it's explainable why my sibling is this way now. But before like 5 years, she got her workplace changed, it was much closer to our new house. Her behavior changed drastically, I mean it. She stopped talking a lot about giving up and all of that so much yet she always got annoyed at extremely simple things but all the physical abuse stopped eventually. I think I understand her more now. I used to be extremely scared of her and I could never make an eye contact with her but I don't know how, it's the opposite now and I'm really happy that certain changes happened I don't know what they were but this was like a miracle. When I think about my childhood, the first thoughts are mostly about me crying at night and being yelled at for every mistake I made and all the family issues, I was always a sensitive person. She became more of a caring person after the change in workplace, I wish that happened before, it would have been better but no matter what, I really love her now. A lot of people say that we share a really good bond, that's true as of now but she gets annoyed easily at like anything and is very unpredictable and it's not always easy for me to not to take things lightly so I do feel extremely bad at times and remember all those past incidents but one thing is, no matter what, I don't hate her now though there might be times when I don't like her but I guess I understand her more now. It's easier to crack jokes and not to offend her now. I'm glad I got to see this version of her. It hurts when she still sometimes mention certain things but I am just sure to some extent that she won't do anything like that now.

I guess bad memories are just easier to remember but in the last few years the amount of love she has given has probably neutralized a lot of pain. I don't expect her to be all good and caring and stuff like that but I only don't want the past to repeat, I wouldn't want to go through it all again and she looks happier this way so I wouldn't want things to go back to how they were before.

I've changed every part of me
Until the puzzle pieces aren't me, at all
I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw

You take every part of me, all of the things you need
Then the rest you discard
I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw

-Jigsaw by Conan Gray

"The small place" the place where we met for the first time, I never thought that would become a painful memory to me, so painful that I can barely breath when someone even mentions it now, why does that hurt so much when that was once our favorite place. The name itself brings back so many memories, the songs, the dance, the people, the photographs, the games, everything, that hurts so much all of a sudden. Our reserved place, the fun we had there, never thought I would hate thinking about all of that but, sigh, it ended where it started. We painted the memories together and made promises, and we both don't know where that masterpiece is now. A broken friendship is after all a good reason for things to fall apart.