Picking Up My Shattered Thoughts

Just feeling… unimportant lately. Everyone still pretty much ignores me, even when I try to talk them, they always seem disinterested. The worst part about it is that I don’t blame them. I can understand them, why they wouldn’t want to interact with me. Its simple, I seem boring to them, and they do not take interest, its human nature. I just find it hard to be interesting, y’know more extroverted. Sometimes I just feel like screaming at them to just look at me for once, or just say something to me, anything. I don’t know why I try anymore. I just want someone to share my problems with but thats hard to do. Everyone I meet seems to have it much worse than me. I feel like an A**hole telling them about it because they’re dealing with worse sh*t. I just . . . I dont know what to do. Is this what feeling alone is like? Knowing that no one will want to get you? Knowing that no one else will ever know what you go through? Knowing that no one will ever know how hard it is everyday, for me to even function properly on a daily basis. It sometimes feels like too much. Sometimes it feels like my mind is falling apart, that I’m just functioning on the remains of a broken machine. Everywhere I look I cannot find a solution. I have also had people call me out for self diagnosing calling me an attention seeker so I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. My parents think that mental health issues are a huge stigma, so they just ignore it completely.

In this vast situation, I feel utterly lost, and alone, and I see no exit no matter how many times I turn in circles.

What do you do when theres no way out?

What do you do when theres no one to help?

What do you do when no one cares?

What do you do when you feel like there is not a soul on earth that understands you?

What then?

When do you give up?

The voices keep calling out to me

Sometimes its trying to convince me of delusions

That this life isnt real

That im meant for some grandeur purpose

That the others dont matter

That im supposed to shed their blood

That it wont matter if they bled or not

Other times it just feels like screaming

Over and over again

This all feels so unreal

I dont know what is real

I cant tell anyone about this

They wont believe me

They think I just seek attention

That its a phase

They make me want to act on the voices

Show them that I am not making this up

Proof by example

I dont know what to do

It feels like im underwater

Everything blurry

So damn blurry

I hate that no one can help

I hate that people ignore me

I hate that I am like this

I hate that they reject me

I hate that when I show the slightest emotion

The slightest bit of anger

Everyone starts blaming me

I hate having to hide

I hate having to bottle it up

I hate that they tell me “your fine”

I hate that they get to decide for me

I hate that I cant stand up to him

I hate that im scared of him

I hate him for making this place hell

I hate that nobody will listen

I hate that everyone denies me

I hate that everyone makes me feel this way

I hate that I cant do a goddamn thing about it

I hate it all

Its too much

I feel like they hate me back sometimes

Is that why I am ignored

Why i am denied

Am I hated

Would they rather me not here

Do I have worth to them

Do I have worth

Whats the purpose if you dont have worth

What am I supposed to be doing

Why do they hate me

I only want to help people

I can tell some people need help

Why do they hate me

I dont know of I meeded to mention this earlier but comments are welcome here

I feel out of energy, tired, and sick of everything

Today was worse than usual

Mostly because I felt anxious all day for no reason

I was showing off my art online in a school groupchat

Then someone just posts some low effort crayon drawing

Everyone goes wild

No one acknowledges mine

I dont know what I live for anymore

I feel like I dont live for myself

I live for everyone else

Because I dont know what I want

I just imitate others

I feel more like an extra

Something that can easily be replaced

I know I can be

Everyone is so much better than me

At everything

Every damn thing

Theres is not a single thing I am best at

No defining trait

Im just an extra

An auxiliary

I would say person but people have a sense of direction

People have purpose

People can actually be acknowledged

Not me apparently