Oao's Diary

@littlePapaya2167

you're welcome to share anything I often have a difficult time writing but when the inspiration to write comes take hold of it and show us the power of your inner world!

12/22/19

Today was a big mess but I'm trying really hard to stay happy right now. I had to be with my family and that was very hard because they aren't the nicest all the time and they tend to want everything perfect. As usual I felt left out in a way with my gifts because all the younger kids take forever to open gifts and I'm done in a few minutes. I also get stuff like gift cards which is nice but compared to my cousins it's nothing. My grandpa finally came to the realization that he needs to worry about his health so he was very emotional which was not fun to watch. I now remember why I always hate going to their house for Christmas.

The day didn't even start out great because my parents were yelling at me for "lying" even though I misunderstood something my dad said. At that moment I didn't want to be myself which is how I've been feeling a lot when my parents get really upset with me which they have been often. I wanted to force myself to dissociate and not be myself. They seem so mad at me for small things and then they go to the fact that I lay around in my room all day to say I am lazy. I am not lazy I just don't want to do anything anymore and I'm scared that they will get upset if I do something. I don't want to tell them that my mental health is getting worse because they will just get upset because they think therapy cures all of my mental health issues. Like my therapist waves a magic wand and everything is better in my life. Whenever a situation happens like someone being mean to me they ask if I've talked about it to my therapist which I usually say no and then they get upset. They think I don't talk about anything there but I do I talk about the stuff I don't tell them and there isn't enough time for me to tell my therapist everything.

I've been having problems sleeping recently and instead of going to see a doctor my parents blame it on the electronics. It's not the electronics that make it worse they actually make it easier to fall asleep. I've tried going to sleep without the electronics but what happens is I lay there thinking bad thoughts for a long time so it takes me a longer time to fall asleep than when I have the electronics. My parents don't think that maybe it's related to my mental health but instead it's my choices that make it worse for myself. If I could sleep I would yet they don't understand that and instead get mad at me. I wish they would just try to understand me sometimes but I don't know when that will happen.

'till next time, Oao

12/23/19

Today was a big mess because my parents are still upset about my room being messy which was hard on me because I've tried to clean it every weekend for the past few weeks. Cleaning already triggers my anxiety but my parents being upset at me about it makes it worse. I cried a few times because it all became too much. I feel so weak because of all of it and because it is like that every time.

I keep thinking about a "friend" of mine that I would have been with around this time but I don't know where our relationship is anymore. They won't talk to me anymore unless I ask questions about them so I don't think we are friends anymore. I actually feel a little bit okay about it because I feel like a weight was lifted now. They were the one that once told me that I couldn't understand them and another friend because I wasn't gay. It was hard for me because I'm not openly out and I'm okay with that, there is no big desire to be out to everyone and I don't feel like I'm hiding much from everyone because I already hide a lot from others. I wasn't sure what they would say if I told them I was demisexual because I wouldn't be surprised if I got a bad response about it. That was when our relationship started to go downhill. They also got new friends and I'm happy for them but it still gets me upset that they just abandoned me for other friends because I have stayed their friend even though I have other friends I could easily be with instead. They were also the one who judged my friends and got upset at them which at the time was hard because these were my new friends that I had made and it was a huge win for me because they were the first friends I had at my new school. These were the friends that introduced me to more people and made me feel better about my social skills. I reflect now on our friendship and realize how many times they made me upset or did something that a friend shouldn't have done. I realize how many times they judged me for something or told me I couldn't do something. If they saw who I am now I don't think they would approve at all but I like who I am and what I am doing now. The moment I realized that it was over was when I went to go text them about something and realized I shouldn't because I didn't want to talk to them and because I didn't know if they would care at all about me.

The holidays are still going on and are as crazy as ever. I thankfully don't have to see more family until Christmas day so I have some time to rest right now thankfully. I have a Christmas play to do tomorrow which I am pretty upset about because I chose to narrate but a fourth-grader also got the part so I have a smaller part than they do which is really upsetting because I've been looking forward to this for a long time. One good thing was that after rehearsal today one of the parents told me I did really well which was really nice to hear and I almost cried about it because I've been dealing with a lot of self-hatred recently so I was really happy to get a compliment. So everything isn't all that bad right now but it's still pretty bad.

'till next time, Oao

12/25/19

So today didn't end up the greatest even though I had fun today. There were just some arguments about stuff we got for Christmas that ended up with my dad being upset. I apologized to my dad for making him upset yet he still is upset about all of it. It makes me really upset because I've cried a couple of times because I don't want him to be upset at me like he always is especially over simple things. I also don't like it when I make people upset because it messes with my thoughts and I get into a loop about it.

Well anyway, I keep thinking about how I am invisible to people sometimes or they just ignore me. I guess that's why I have such a hard time talking about my feelings because I don't know if anyone listens anymore. I try to give my all to listen to others because I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do but that still has bad side effects. I usually wear myself out with listening to people which makes me feel worse. I don't help myself anyway because I don't want to come off as selfish so there is a very fine line of the in between of not being selfish and seeking support and I can't find it.

I got some cool gifts for Christmas the only bad thing is my brother got all the gifts that we are supposed to share because it's something we both wanted and he keeps telling me it's his gift when my parents clearly stated that we need to share them so that's annoying. Then my grandparents came over which was a lot of fun. My brother got me this flower paperweight sort of thing that says you are amazing that I am keeping by my bed so I can see it when I have bad thoughts.

My migraines have been really bad recently which hasn't been fun at all. Last night I stayed up until 2:30 am because the pain was so bad and I didn't want to wake anyone up as I went to get some medications so I didn't go to bed after trying to fall asleep for about five hours. Thankfully I see the neurologist in a few weeks which is good. I'm just tired of being in pain all of the time.

The craziness in my life isn't going to stop anytime soon because I have a vacation coming up, other stuff, and I'm seeing more of my family in a few days which won't be the greatest but I might post about that later when I feel like it. So if you are reading this remember that you are amazing.

'till next time, Oao

12/26/19

Today could have been better I guess. I had a lot of bad thoughts today which wasn't fun. Most of the thoughts had to do with my friend and I didn't like it. I realize how controlling my friend was now that I'm not afraid of them. I still miss them even though it was time for our friendship to end. I now talk to the people they didn't want me to talk to, I do the things I want to do without worrying about them, I act how I want to act, I don't have to worry all about them just to get little care about me back, I'm no longer worried that they won't have me to cry to, I feel free. I need to let go of all of it but I can't.

I need to get rid of all of my stress but I can't because I'm still holding on to some of the stress from September and it feels like a big pile of books that could fall at any moment. That's why I like my box because it's a safe spot away from all of that. The box isn't just something I hide when I'm in the rooms it's a safe spot in my mind where things are nice. I always imagine it with posters and drawings on the walls, a place where I feel happy and welcomed. The box is somewhere I try to think of myself at when I don't feel the greatest because it's happy it's the place where no one judges me and I feel like I belong. It's sort of like the box from Spongebob where it can be whatever I want it to be. Not everyone likes the box in the rooms and that makes me sad because I don't mean to make people upset. Not everyone realizes what the box is for they think it's something silly I do but it's not. It started off as something silly I did with another member but after that member left it evolved into a mindset. It evolved into a place of happiness for me when I'm not happy. It started off as something happy I had and it continued to be a happy thing I have. It's a mindset that I don't just use here but anywhere I am at. The box is called the box because that's what I want it to be because I used to love playing in boxes when I was little and it's sort of like the box in Spongebob where it can be whatever I want it to be, it can be a gloomy place like it has been in the past or it can be a happy place like it is now. The box is my home sometimes.

Well, the craziness starts tomorrow and I am not ready at all but I don't think I will ever be ready for it all.

'till next time, Oao

I might add on to this later but I'm too tired to write any more

12/28/19

So today was bad. I saw my cousins which was pretty stressful because they were their usual selves. They had to always talk about the horses they have and all the friends they have. My brother and I wanted to talk about the stuff we got for Christmas but it felt like it was drowned out by them. They either had to one-up us, drown us out, or call us weird. Being called weird was the worst out of all of it. They kept saying we are weird for living in the city. I don't live in some big city I just live in the suburbs and I'm fine with it. They complain about how we are weird for not being out in the country when they hate being down by where we live because of stuff like the traffic and smells. I like where I live and for me it is all comfortable. It's sort of like the country mouse and city mouse story in a way because we are both content where we are at. My cousins both wear a lot of makeup and wear nice clothes and I keep comparing myself to them because I don't wear makeup even though I have acne raging all over my body and I don't wear nice clothes because it's not my thing.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I wore makeup to cover the acne. It would definitely be a lot of work because I have really fair skin that's sensitive and really dry and I can never find makeup that matches my skin tone because people in my area are always tan. Then there is the acne which is a monster that my life revolves around because of all the medications and things I do to not have as bad of acne. I don't have acne because I don't do anything to help it because I've done a lot for my acne for a long time and I do all the stuff they tell you to do that fit me. I try to embrace the acne but some days it becomes too hard because it is so bad.and I've had it for so long that it's hard to know that I've had it for so long. I don't know if I will ever become good at makeup or have the time anyway.

'till next time, Oao

12/29/19

Today was a nightmare the box was needed a lot. I don't feel like myself at all the intrusive thoughts are so bad. I had to use my box and my music it was so bad. Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance is my lifeline when I feel awful and I had to use it. The song starts off slow so I can breathe to it to calm down and it picks up in beat once I have sort of started getting the hang of it so I stay interested. It follows the story of the album so it's a pretty interesting song if you look at it that way or even if you don't. I used to listen to it so much over a year ago because I would have panic attacks every day so it has saved me so many times. The box is the box and I know it seems silly but I like it and it helps me a lot.

The intrusive thoughts were all about me being worthless, ugly, lazy, dumb, others like that. It kept repeating so much that it feels like it's true. It got so bad that I had a really bad panic attack which was not fun. I try to be positive like people say but there comes a point where I can't be positive because everything seems so awful. The box is where I am positive it's where all my positive thoughts go and where everything is good. I try to surround myself with good people like people say to do but I just can't reach out to those people because I don't feel comfortable with it.

I felt like a blob trying to break down a wall today. Everything I did was extremely hard and I could barely get out of bed today. It was kinda pathetic because my only reasoning was I can't which is so dumb but it's the truth I just can't. I have no desire to get up anymore, the is no motivation anymore about anything except for music. My motivation for music has only increased.

I've also been thinking about my sexuality (I'm demisexual and demiromantic) and people keep saying that I will eventually find someone who loves me for just me. But will I ever find the one without them disliking that I take awhile to be attracted to them? I don't feel like I will ever find the one because I've only had one crush which is nothing compared to my friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends. I feel so disconnected from society because of my sexuality and I constantly feel awkward when people are talking about dating and stuff like that. I sometimes wonder if I'm making it up and I just have standards like people say.

I'm tired of bottling up my problems all the time and then people get upset when I talk about my problems. What happens is I end up at where I was at today when I sort of blew up because I needed support. I need to set boundaries but I just can't because I don't want to be mean. I care too much about people sometimes that it wears me out so much. I know that caring for others is a good thing but it's not when it becomes too much.

My migraines have still been bad which hasn't been fun but only a little bit until I see the neurologist about it and only a little bit until I see my therapist which I'm also looking forward to. Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today but who knows.

'till next time, Oao

12/30/19

Today I was more productive than I was yesterday which was a huge win for me. Today I went to some stores with my dad, I played some video games, I eventually mastered a part of it which I'm really proud of myself for, I hung out with my family, had dinner with my family, I talked to a stranger at the music store today, I played some games with my brother. The wall in my way wasn't as big today which was really awesome. I wasn't 100% today because I still had some stuff left from yesterday but I'm still doing good with some negative thoughts.

Today's unwanted thought was that I'm ugly and fat which was not fun. The thought keeps getting triggered by different things that have happened. It's hard because there is a lot of my weight from muscles I have but I still think I'm fat. I weigh so much more than my friends and people I know it's like I'm a monster. Most people who complain about their weight weigh less than I do so sometimes I feel like I have to hate it. Another thing that doesn't help is when my dad makes fun of me whenever I have some sort of junk food.

I'm ending this now even though I have more to say because I'm tired so hopefully tomorrow will be good.

'till next time, Oao

12/31/19

This is my last post of the decade and that seems crazy. Ending the decade feels like I'm putting away a chapter of my life that chapter being my childhood. The 20s is going to be the rest of my teenage years and the start of me being a young adult and that seems crazy to think about.

Today was kind of a mess not as big of a mess as before but not as great as yesterday which is disappointing. Today I had an awful migraine, it is one of the worst I have ever had. I ended up having to take a bunch of pain medication The medication made me feel funky which I didn't like but I knew I had to take it to feel better. It was definitely rough though because it has lasted all day today from the moment I woke up.

I also had a lot of negative thoughts because you can't have a day without that. I felt like I couldn't do much which wasn't fun because the wall was stopping me. I was able to get through the wall sometimes but not always. It was kinda like everything was a little battle where sometimes I would win and sometimes I would lose. Today has definitely been a lazy day.

Hopefully 2020 will be a good year for me and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a good day. I'm thinking about being productive tomorrow so I'm hoping that it will happen. I also have an excuse to get out of bed tomorrow because I'm seeing Star Wars again tomorrow. I hope you have a happy New Year and that this year will be a good one.

'till next time, Oao