My Little Public Diary

Guys, wait up! I am like a decade behind! I am not much at all of an internet surfer. I have a few select places I go for entertainment, and everything else I do is work or education. I don't read the news or any "trending" information. Today included a couple of conversations about technology. First, my mom was thinking about finally buying a television, since we can't go to a movie theater much anymore (☹️ I like cheap movie theaters). Except these days they /all/ have mics and cameras and show adds on menues and stuff. They just don't make the simple monitors with maybe some speakers anymore. If we get an old refurbished one, it won't be very good. I will very much miss old tech, like... television monitors. Just monitors. And then my sister had to go and claim that sending people to space is just a normal thing now. What? And that they plan on making a movie in space, with a certain famous actor. Whhat? It's just that casual now, like "ok, you know what, we can trust this thing to not kill this guy ('cept I thought space stuff exploding was still the usual thing) and we can just film some stunts and stuff for a movie up here." Also the whole "we're sending people to Mars soon" thing that I have heard mentioned a couple of times at work. And a vacation space-station, etc... See, /all that/ I would blame on just the media getting excited about made-up stuff every now and then, but I kinda don't know any more. And no, I don't plan on reading a bunch of stuff for hours to try to make sense of it. I just got really disoriented by a time-zip there. Give me a bit for some of the rocket-lag to wear off before we do that again please.

Geezus, I added like 20 spaces to try to simulate a paragraph break at the beginning, and it shows up as nothing. Bummer.

I like remembering the happy memories. Despite being a generally happy person, I very often have trouble remembering the happier moments of my childhood. I will type a few down while I can. For example, I remember the house we lived in, in South Dakota, '06-'07 (also when I was 6-7 years old). I remember Margaret (a modification of her real name), a child just a few months older than me a couple of houses to the left if you were facing the street. I remember biking back and forth across the block in front of our houses. Her dad took the training wheels off of my bike. I remember Ms. Claudia, an elderly neighbor a couple of houses to the right. She had rhubarb in her backyard. She gave me and my sister blankets; mine is still my favorite blanket, and is next to me currently in bed. I remember the playground across the street, where me and Margret used to play, usually while my mom worked on the laptop in the front yard so she could watch me. I remember Margaret had a toy that was similar to one of mine, a wheeled toy dog on a blue cord leash. I was worried about telling them apart, but her toy's leash had many more knots than mine did. I remember us learning from each other what words our households used for "passing gas"; she mentioned someone "farting" and I didn't know what that meant, but once I understand I was like "Oh! Like tooting?" and we both found each other's words funny. I remember one day going up to her door, knocking, and she answers the door wearing the same shirt as I am. We claimed to everyone that day that we were twins. I remember once hearing the ice cream truck when we hadn't heard it in a while, and us synchronously turning to each other and opening our mouths in excitement. I remember she had a pinata at the park for her birthday. I remember that when we were moving, I made her a good-bye card in which I declared that if I could marry her I would, so that we could be together forever. Mom never let me deliver it. I remember pinching my hand in the chain at the swings once, tearing off a piece of skin. It hurt, but I didn't cry until I saw the small prickle spots of blood on the pale background growing and joining to make the wound a "big" patch of blood red. (I don't think it was actually big, but little minds and bodies tend to perceive them as bigger.) I remember when biking, we liked to go as fast as we can and slam on our breaks, and see how long of a skid mark we could leave. I remember one time, when doing this without Margaret, I skid all the way into the middle of the side road at the intersection to the right of our house. I was so scared of mom noticing, since I was not allowed to go into the road or around the corner of the block. I quickly turned around and got back on the sidewalk. Thankfully she never noticed. I remember the young "gardener" neighbor on the corner to the left of our house. She had a bare patch where grass didn't grow under under her trees, and I remember her planting grass seeds there. She was often taking care of her yard when I saw her. I remember once falling off my bike bad in front of her house. I sat there crying for a few minutes until mom ran up. I scraped the skin from both knees, both palms, a bit on the elbows and one hip prominence (maybe the other one a little as well, but the bigger hip scar lasted years). Mom had to patch me up with pieces of cloth or guaze bandaid-taped over the wounds. I remember that was the house in which I discovered the teeny-tiny red spiders (is that what they are?), and where I best learned/cemented in memory mom's phobia of spiders. I remember Ms. Claudia once left Easter eggs on our porch with McDonald's coupons/gift certificates in them. I have so many memories. Too many to type in one go. I am glad when I can access so many, without only remembering the bad or scary parts. I am also kind of glad that I don't wear them out very much; anything has it's pros and cons. I am also super-glad that I got to type out this whole thing without accidentally messing it up. Yay!

Deep Ocean of Sounds on YouTube makes absolutely amazing sound environments. I absolutely recommend listening to them with your best headphones/earpieces in a quiet place. It's amazing. Also I am not supposed to be up this late. I have work tomorrow lol.

^ "This late" was 9:30pm and I get up at 4:00 am

The song on my head current is labeled "Unlike Pluto, Mike Taylor - Everything Black". Doesn't have any meaning to me or anything, I just like the sound.

I am also clinically tone-deaf, which in my case means I may not be able to differentiate notes from each other as much as most can. I have no idea how differently I perceive music from how other people do, but I still enjoy it, so I'm good. Though not many people that I have met like the same music as I do. A bigger effect of my tone-deafness, though, is that I cannot for the life of me mimic the sounds that I hear. No singing, no voice imitations, nada. You would absolutely regret it if you urge me to do karaoke and I do it. It's genetic, so my mother and one of my sisters is like that (don't know about the other one, she hasn't sung much). The only things we can do are percussion instruments.

Tonight is one of those nights when it's late (10:00) and I don't even feel ready to sleep yet. These just happen every now and then, but they're inconvenient.

I still cry at least a bit when there is yelling. Doesn't even have to be directed at me, just at someone. Mother yelling? Hide and try to minimize the tearing up. Sister yelling? Sit there and try to not tear up. Excuse myself later. The yelling doesn't happen very often anymore (well, perhaps that doesn't apply to the second one), thankfully. I hope I don't get yelled at bad at work anytime soon. Supposedly it is bound to happen sometimes in my position, but I should be able to brush it off and move on with my workday. I probably could. I guess it sort of depends on the day. Random rambling. Please excuse me.

My estimations for how many spaces makes a paragraph break is getting closer...

I don't know yet whether I am apothisexual or demisexual. 🤷😐 Will have to figure it out over time, I guess. (I am just glad that I got around to looking up the proper words, but boy are they little-known ones. Not going to be able to through that in without explaining anyway.)

The following definitions were copied from: http://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-spectrum-definitions.html Apothisexual: someone who is asexual and sex-repulsed. Demi-(a)sexual: someone who only experiences sexual attraction after establishing a close emotional and/or romantic connection with another person/persons. Also possibly applicable to me: Demi(a)romantic: someone who only experiences romantic attraction after establishing a strong emotional connection to someone.

It's hard not to zone out easily and repeatedly when there was just a fire drill during lunch. "Emergency! Lights, sirens, fire! JK go sit down."

Opened the toilet, found unidentified material without toilet paper. On closer inspection appears to be a lot of scab material. Too much to be just that scrape on her knee. We already know she practices self-injury. Where is it? What part of her body did she hurt this time, and how? My sister, my favorite person in the entire world, is hurting herself, and I don't know how to get her to stop. I have tried; Mom sometimes tries too. Since I got a job, I have sometimes been forgetting how fragile everything always is...

This is probably the best time of my life right now. I now have a job, and a routine; both have enough changes, inconsistencies and new stuff to keep things interesting, but the pattern itself is predictable. I have my own money, and even some to spare after savings, so I occasionally buy myself a treat at the grocery store or my favorite cafe. I am getting along with my coworkers, and making my work invaluable to them. Some of them are even inviting me out as part of a group of friends! (New territory, working on it) Snyder (that guy who hurts my family) has not caused much trouble lately. My mother is making a great income. We are even hoping to be able to take a big vacation in a few months! (Don't jinx it, please...) I am even having some time to have some fun, watching a television show that I chose and like after work while I'm on the bus! Or sometimes I will do some writing for my stories, or just listen to music and think. I am happier than I have ever been, and I am very healthy - I have even been putting on a few pounds (I have always been underweight). My life is currently easy outside of work, thanks to my family's support. I am so glad that I get to experience this. It's amazing. But sadly, it's just as fragile as everything we've ever had. It's going to really suck when something (or someone) happens to disrupt it.

It's too bright. I like the dark, or at least some shadow. Plus this hight is making me nervous.

I learned another word/definition that applies to me! Shadow Work. From what I understand it's basically letting your darker thoughts thrive as much as the lighter thoughts, without suppressing them or feeling shame about them. I remember doing that as a teenager a few years ago, though I didn't have a name for it nor a guide. I just had simple psychology: if you restrain something to a very small area (or a small set of allowed behavior), it will try to break free to occupy a much larger area (or perform more extreme behavior). So when I had some dark (as in "civilized society is disturbed by these") thoughts, I let them do what they want in my head, and we worked out some limits that satisfied both. It took a bit to swing back and forth to a good balance, but now I am a healthy whole of both good and bad. I am much happier being ok with thinking about things that other people would say you shouldn't think. I don't usually talk about those thoughts (though that is one thing I came to 7 cups to do, so expect some warnings in the future), and I certainly haven't acted on them (... though to some regrets...). So it's not like having some bad in you removes all of your civil decency and desire to get along socially. I guess I am just happy to get definitions for some things that apply to me. Appearently it really helps me get excited about talking about it and open up.

Hoh boy. Monday, yesterday, today and now people are stressing about tomorrow... it's being a busy week. And my workplace is slow to hire more people (we are significantly understaffed). Am pretty tired. Will really appreciate the weekend when it comes.

Oh yeah, and they say they don't think they can left me out early on Friday, which really means I'm staying late Friday.

I should probably mention that I am still supposed to be in orientation, and instead I have been covering a different position than the specific one I was hired for because the one person they had for that department left. Really they should have 2 or 3 people there, hence training me to cover as person 2. Now I am covering as person 1, and missing out on training time for the position I was hired for. It's kind of annoying.

Things are on and off seeming weird today. First I noticed that the end of one of the window wiper blade holders on Mom's car was different (maybe it had been replaced last week at the shop?) and my mind was sort of bothered by it. Then, since I was scanning for anything else off, turns out the light for the passenger window switch is now dimly lit; had it been lit at all before? I am not sure... Then, mid-day after work (yay early day!), apparently everyone decided all at once to stop being so hurried and start being more leisurely, driving, walking, /or/ biking. Like, I totally could have jaywalked across the street today if I wanted, with significantly lower risk than usual (it's not called jaywalking when the bicyclers did it though, is it?) Was it the time of day? Is everyone usually relatively chill on the road just after lunch-time? So yeah, just a couple of cases of hyper-awareness, because my environment was different. Felt weird.

WARNING: The following post contains details about a witnessed medical emergency. If such content may be disturbing to you, please do not read the following post.

My first patient today nearly coded, /twice/, during emergence from anesthesia. I work at a surgery center instead of a hospital, so it's not nearly as common, but it does happen. (In fact, it's so uncommon, that we have to run drills for codes.) The cause was laryngospasm, both times. The first was caused by removal of the laryngeal mask airway, as well as excessive mucus. The patient's o2 saturation dropped quickly, followed soon by heart rate. Succinylcholine, lidocaine, and atropine were given to counter-act the reflex, and CPAP was performed to get the o2 levels back up. Once the patient's stats returned to normal, an OG tube was used to remove air from the patient's stomach - triggering laryngospasm again. This time the patient's stats returned to normal before the atropine could be given, but treatment was otherwise the same. Eventually the patient woke up fine, thank God. It was interesting seeing people's reactions to the stress. The poor surgeon was especially anxious (still relatively new, apparently, among other causes). The nurse sometimes got frantic-fast when drawing up the drugs, but otherwise performed well. Once the emergency was over, two of the people laughed about I-don't-even-know-what, which is pretty common from what I've heard: people sometimes crack jokes and laugh after such and worse situations, to relieve stress. Me, I was the quiet-for-the-next-case-and-tired-the-rest-of-the-day type. I have to see about getting the anesthesia team some cookies.

I have been having a strong nostalgia for the 80s, 90s and early 00s the past couple of days. I didn't even live most of that time, I guess I just liked the ideas of what I have seen in movies, as well as the technology (definitely miss most of that). Like why are door locks, doorbells, fridges, thermostats, cars, heck /everything/ connected to the internet now? There better be mechanical backups, cause I would have a problem with getting locked out of my house because the server went down. Ok, that was a tangent. Anyway, this bought of nostalgia was mostly brought on by watching the first Stargate movie (aka a really good oldish movie) and later listening to some 80s/90s rock music. Then I am reminiscing over shopping malls (not that old, tho?) and associated smells, when roller skating was a thing (why isn't it anymore?), when tanning was considered good and healthy, DVDs and players (Blockbuster!), older movies (Killer Clowns, Short Circuit, Power Rangers, so many more!) and cheap theaters with cheap popcorn (😔 pandemic took that), etc. Funny thing, I was also really craving going to a video arcade the past 2 days, and was looking for options in my area, and only this afternoon realized that those were also popular back then. That one was actually subconscious. It's kinda funny how your brain does that.

Aaaaand we're putting my blind half-deaf extremely-arthritic scared-of-the-world voluntarily-mute and might-have-sprained-her-poor-delicate-leg-again-somehow elderly (~13 yo?) dog down soon. Because of a combination of pre-grieving, dissociation and a strong preference for crying in private, I will be yet again reminding my family members that they consider me heartless. Which sucks, socially. A lot. I will be shamed about it for months. Again. Currently still dissociating. It will catch up eventually.

Funny how I usually need to grieve on purpose. Like, wait for a specific time when I can more safely cry and think sad/grieving thoughts. If it isn't a good time, dismiss it, do it later. Isn't it mentally mostly involuntary for most people? Or am I misunderstanding that? Well, at least this makes me good for the medical field. One patient could crash and die in the morning, but heck, the next one doesn't know what's the holdup and still needs their procedure done.

What I was saying about voluntary and involuntary grieving? Please excuse my BS. I haven't cried or thought much about it yet, but I have been having the icky tummy, headaches and random especial quietness, even when my thoughts are not lingering on the subject of my grief. I wonder if this counts as a sort of denial-like stage? Dissociation, distraction-seeking, etc. I don't know. Confusing topic. Apologies to those I am offending. I super-duper-really wanted to go to an arcade yesterday, and did actually try to go to one, but multiple factors told me "no" so I gave up and walked to the grocery store instead. 😐🤷 Not at all the same, but a lot healthier anyway. Whatever.

Today. ... Just, today. First I nearly pass out while working, thankfully my preceptor was able to cover for me while I took a break. (Got a hot flash and some light-headedness and dizziness, even though the room was colder than usual.) Then of course I need to explain this to my boss, in case I really do pass out later, or need someone to give me a break later. The cause was a combination of dehydration, low-ish blood sugar, poor sleep and stress. I just figured I'd get two birds with one stone and tell my boss that I was grieving the death of my dog. And /then/ I go to the staff bathroom and have my first cry. I love masks, I can fake a cheerful voice behind them on my way to go cry. Kind of proud of myself for that one. Aaaand tomorrow I have the room all to myself, without a preceptor. Yay, I am demonstrating that I can be independent!... Great timing. Just, great timing. *Sigh* Yesterday I was actually /planning/ to go out after work. Nevermind, if I am going to maybe pass out meanwhile; also it was a later Monday than usual. Oh well. I will watch a movie on the way home via bus. I am partway through Minority Report.

I think it's funny how the things in my purse like to turn upside down. Sunscreen? Upside down. Hand sanitizer? Upside down. Why? I don't know. I put them back in upright every time. But that's why I got a sunscreen stick (super happy to have found that), and I put tape over the lid of the hand sanitizer. *Shrug* Adapt to your curses.

As in mini-funny-"curses", please don't think that I am being dismissive to bigger badder ones.

Gotta say, in this system of talking and listening, it does not help that I tend to withdraw when I'm upset. Like "sure, I'll talk about the happy stuff, and the mildly bad or used to it stuff, but sad stuff? Nah." Part of it is a general trust issue. Another part is I don't know how.

A video that has been making me laugh: DISCORD SINGS IT'S BEEN SO LONG (horribly), by Nightmare. I'd link it, but copy-paste doesn't want to. :/ 🤷‍♀️

Probably unpopular opinion: I like masks. I like hiding my face, I like not getting a cold or flu 1-2 times a year, and oddly, I like that there are fewer things to analyze when it comes to other people's facial expressions. Thankfully I don't have a discomfort with eye contact, near or direct. I hope that some people continue to wear masks even when most things are getting near back to normal, because I would like to keep wearing them without getting criticized for it.

I had "Creeping Towards the Door" on my head all day yesterday. I certainly liked having a steady rythm while I was racing to process instruments at least as fast as they were being used.

It's frustrating when I get job recruitment communications from just outside the area that my family is legally geographically restricted to because the pro-father judge decides that the rapist and his victim should be treated equally. Like "Oh, he got arrested? Be sure to run a psychological evaluation on the mother too. You know, the whole 3 days and thousands of dollars deal, cause she needs to be treated the same." "Oh, he needs to go to therapy? Be sure to make her go too. What, she chose a different therapist? Nah, make them go to the same one, I said equal, right?" "Ohh, he got a /federal/ crime, well, I mean, he was geographically restricted in the first place, but now narrow it down to just the 2 counties. Her too, don't forget." (And for the crime that should have gotten him 10 years, since he is a rich kid with rich parents he got off with 7 years probation and a lesser charge after 2 years of court.) And of course I have to live with my family, because that's how we are going to be able to afford living. Condensing resources and all.

My work decided to take credit for something that they made other people do, and it not only pissed me off knowing that the right people are not getting the credit, but it also embarrassed some of my coworkers when they discovered it themselves. Since I have been eating more junk food lately, /especially/ last week, I have gained some weight and I think I am finally at a really good weight for my body! On the down side, I might need to get new bras soon...

Ok, so recently it was (finally) cleared up for me that this was only one day out of that week, and said other person jumped in and was like "Hey, can I do that? I want to do that." So thankfully it was actually mostly correctly credited. Sorry for the misassumption!

https://youtu.be/lKfAoHnLstk I Like To Move It (2016 Edit) is on my head. It probably sounds funny to someone else (a remix of a kid's movie song?) but I like it anyway.

Woke up with a headache this morning, and some of my first thoughts included "what if I could travel back in time and kill Snyder (the rapist) before he could hurt and enslave my family?" And then some regular mild "old memories are bothering me" stuff. There was one time when I was told to take some boxes to the dumpster, and on my way back, some teenagers about my age (of whom I have met one on the playground before) started walking and talking with me for a couple of minutes. When I got home and locked the door, turns out mom had been following and watching me and I had accidentally locked her out because my sister didn't say anything (hoh boy, locking her out of/anything/ was always an instant trouble-trigger). She banged in the door, and I apologized and told her that I didn't know she was out there. She flipped out about me talking with other people out there. Like beating me and screaming and dragging me by my hair flipped out. When dragging me through the hall, she nearly trampled and knocked a step stool onto Sun (youngest sister) and Rasp (middle sister) saved her from harm; later mom was screaming about /me/ nearly hurting Sun and /her/ having saved her. She was also pissed about me raising my arm to protect my face/head when she would target those, and the next several beating sessions included training me out of that. She's a lot better now, no longer abusive. Very controlling and down-putting still, but at least she's not beating and swearing all over the place anymore. She's a lot nicer, more tolerant and more reasonable. But the first 2/3rds of my childhood sucked, minus a couple of years in the middle of that.

I used a step counter at work for the first time. Turns out I walked over 6 miles, just in the building. Interesting to learn.