My Little Public Diary
This is just a place in which I might post every now and then as a sort of diary that just anyone can read. I'll give it a shot. This is a safe enough space, right? Replies and questions are welcome. I like answering most questions.
I learned another word/definition that applies to me! Shadow Work. From what I understand it's basically letting your darker thoughts thrive as much as the lighter thoughts, without suppressing them or feeling shame about them. I remember doing that as a teenager a few years ago, though I didn't have a name for it nor a guide. I just had simple psychology: if you restrain something to a very small area (or a small set of allowed behavior), it will try to break free to occupy a much larger area (or perform more extreme behavior). So when I had some dark (as in "civilized society is disturbed by these") thoughts, I let them do what they want in my head, and we worked out some limits that satisfied both. It took a bit to swing back and forth to a good balance, but now I am a healthy whole of both good and bad. I am much happier being ok with thinking about things that other people would say you shouldn't think. I don't usually talk about those thoughts (though that is one thing I came to 7 cups to do, so expect some warnings in the future), and I certainly haven't acted on them (... though to some regrets...). So it's not like having some bad in you removes all of your civil decency and desire to get along socially. I guess I am just happy to get definitions for some things that apply to me. Appearently it really helps me get excited about talking about it and open up.
Hoh boy. Monday, yesterday, today and now people are stressing about tomorrow... it's being a busy week. And my workplace is slow to hire more people (we are significantly understaffed). Am pretty tired. Will really appreciate the weekend when it comes.
Oh yeah, and they say they don't think they can left me out early on Friday, which really means I'm staying late Friday.
I should probably mention that I am still supposed to be in orientation, and instead I have been covering a different position than the specific one I was hired for because the one person they had for that department left. Really they should have 2 or 3 people there, hence training me to cover as person 2. Now I am covering as person 1, and missing out on training time for the position I was hired for. It's kind of annoying.
Things are on and off seeming weird today. First I noticed that the end of one of the window wiper blade holders on Mom's car was different (maybe it had been replaced last week at the shop?) and my mind was sort of bothered by it. Then, since I was scanning for anything else off, turns out the light for the passenger window switch is now dimly lit; had it been lit at all before? I am not sure... Then, mid-day after work (yay early day!), apparently everyone decided all at once to stop being so hurried and start being more leisurely, driving, walking, /or/ biking. Like, I totally could have jaywalked across the street today if I wanted, with significantly lower risk than usual (it's not called jaywalking when the bicyclers did it though, is it?) Was it the time of day? Is everyone usually relatively chill on the road just after lunch-time? So yeah, just a couple of cases of hyper-awareness, because my environment was different. Felt weird.
WARNING: The following post contains details about a witnessed medical emergency. If such content may be disturbing to you, please do not read the following post.
My first patient today nearly coded, /twice/, during emergence from anesthesia. I work at a surgery center instead of a hospital, so it's not nearly as common, but it does happen. (In fact, it's so uncommon, that we have to run drills for codes.) The cause was laryngospasm, both times. The first was caused by removal of the laryngeal mask airway, as well as excessive mucus. The patient's o2 saturation dropped quickly, followed soon by heart rate. Succinylcholine, lidocaine, and atropine were given to counter-act the reflex, and CPAP was performed to get the o2 levels back up. Once the patient's stats returned to normal, an OG tube was used to remove air from the patient's stomach - triggering laryngospasm again. This time the patient's stats returned to normal before the atropine could be given, but treatment was otherwise the same. Eventually the patient woke up fine, thank God. It was interesting seeing people's reactions to the stress. The poor surgeon was especially anxious (still relatively new, apparently, among other causes). The nurse sometimes got frantic-fast when drawing up the drugs, but otherwise performed well. Once the emergency was over, two of the people laughed about I-don't-even-know-what, which is pretty common from what I've heard: people sometimes crack jokes and laugh after such and worse situations, to relieve stress. Me, I was the quiet-for-the-next-case-and-tired-the-rest-of-the-day type. I have to see about getting the anesthesia team some cookies.
I have been having a strong nostalgia for the 80s, 90s and early 00s the past couple of days. I didn't even live most of that time, I guess I just liked the ideas of what I have seen in movies, as well as the technology (definitely miss most of that). Like why are door locks, doorbells, fridges, thermostats, cars, heck /everything/ connected to the internet now? There better be mechanical backups, cause I would have a problem with getting locked out of my house because the server went down. Ok, that was a tangent. Anyway, this bought of nostalgia was mostly brought on by watching the first Stargate movie (aka a really good oldish movie) and later listening to some 80s/90s rock music. Then I am reminiscing over shopping malls (not that old, tho?) and associated smells, when roller skating was a thing (why isn't it anymore?), when tanning was considered good and healthy, DVDs and players (Blockbuster!), older movies (Killer Clowns, Short Circuit, Power Rangers, so many more!) and cheap theaters with cheap popcorn (😔 pandemic took that), etc. Funny thing, I was also really craving going to a video arcade the past 2 days, and was looking for options in my area, and only this afternoon realized that those were also popular back then. That one was actually subconscious. It's kinda funny how your brain does that.
Aaaaand we're putting my blind half-deaf extremely-arthritic scared-of-the-world voluntarily-mute and might-have-sprained-her-poor-delicate-leg-again-somehow elderly (~13 yo?) dog down soon. Because of a combination of pre-grieving, dissociation and a strong preference for crying in private, I will be yet again reminding my family members that they consider me heartless. Which sucks, socially. A lot. I will be shamed about it for months. Again. Currently still dissociating. It will catch up eventually.
Funny how I usually need to grieve on purpose. Like, wait for a specific time when I can more safely cry and think sad/grieving thoughts. If it isn't a good time, dismiss it, do it later. Isn't it mentally mostly involuntary for most people? Or am I misunderstanding that? Well, at least this makes me good for the medical field. One patient could crash and die in the morning, but heck, the next one doesn't know what's the holdup and still needs their procedure done.
What I was saying about voluntary and involuntary grieving? Please excuse my BS. I haven't cried or thought much about it yet, but I have been having the icky tummy, headaches and random especial quietness, even when my thoughts are not lingering on the subject of my grief. I wonder if this counts as a sort of denial-like stage? Dissociation, distraction-seeking, etc. I don't know. Confusing topic. Apologies to those I am offending. I super-duper-really wanted to go to an arcade yesterday, and did actually try to go to one, but multiple factors told me "no" so I gave up and walked to the grocery store instead. 😐🤷 Not at all the same, but a lot healthier anyway. Whatever.
Today. ... Just, today. First I nearly pass out while working, thankfully my preceptor was able to cover for me while I took a break. (Got a hot flash and some light-headedness and dizziness, even though the room was colder than usual.) Then of course I need to explain this to my boss, in case I really do pass out later, or need someone to give me a break later. The cause was a combination of dehydration, low-ish blood sugar, poor sleep and stress. I just figured I'd get two birds with one stone and tell my boss that I was grieving the death of my dog. And /then/ I go to the staff bathroom and have my first cry. I love masks, I can fake a cheerful voice behind them on my way to go cry. Kind of proud of myself for that one. Aaaand tomorrow I have the room all to myself, without a preceptor. Yay, I am demonstrating that I can be independent!... Great timing. Just, great timing. *Sigh* Yesterday I was actually /planning/ to go out after work. Nevermind, if I am going to maybe pass out meanwhile; also it was a later Monday than usual. Oh well. I will watch a movie on the way home via bus. I am partway through Minority Report.
I think it's funny how the things in my purse like to turn upside down. Sunscreen? Upside down. Hand sanitizer? Upside down. Why? I don't know. I put them back in upright every time. But that's why I got a sunscreen stick (super happy to have found that), and I put tape over the lid of the hand sanitizer. *Shrug* Adapt to your curses.
