My Little Public Diary

There's this interesting thing where I occasionally and randomly wake up in the middle of the night to find that for some unknown reason my blood pressure has dipped so low that I can't feel my cricoid pulse. I think the dip is what wakes me. Soon after I feel the pressure as it climbs back up; the first couple of times included an elevated heart rate, but that was probably anxiety seeing as other times my heart rate has been in a normal range. Usually I get very sweaty as well, doesn't matter if before or after the pressure comes back. Sometimes breathing feels funny for a short bit, but that might be anxiety. Takes me several minutes to begin to fall back asleep, and that's with the "I'm used to this, just let it pass so I can sleep" mindset. The first time it happened I thought that my heart had straight up stopped, but I felt the thready and very fast pulse climbing back up in strength until it was normal (but still fast) again. 😕🤷 Still don't know what causes it. Google isn't helping with this one.

Sometimes one of my bosses reminds me too much of my mother for my comfort, especially when she's making sure to assert that she has power over me (eg. When I ask for something they take it as an attemt to order them around, so then they refuse and order me around to put me in my place). Though the main issue is that one of my coworkers has been complaining too much for said boss's liking and seemingly putting boss's job at risk; their response has been to behave worse, to more people, and so now it's a self-growing problem. And that's how my job is at risk because of my coworker. :(

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: VIOLENCE, NIGHTMARES, AND PERIL] [Do not read if any of these disturb you/make you uncomfortable] Sleep has been bad this weekend. Bunch of bad dreams. And not even the fun monsters- or apocalypses-type dreams. More like "one of your co-workers knows and is friends with Snyder"-type dreams. And "having to kill people to protect myself and my family"-type dreams. Seemingly endlessly lengthening nightmare hallway makes it difficult/impossible for you to make ground? Fun nightmare. Seemingly shrinking eyes make it difficult to render blind the man who second-hand intends your family's harm/death? Not fun (but still accomplished it... why do dreams really skimp out on the amount of blood that should result from an injury?) Anyway, I just got a reminder about the consequences of talking about anything about myself at work. Not that I do that much anyway. The more contact I have with other people, the more lonely I feel. Which sucks. Now I have hurt and temptation to make safety harder on myself.

I keep trying to form a post about something specific without giving away too much information, but I give up and will just be vague. I am glad that I got the assignment that I did at work today, because it was the best option for me as I was unwell (my periods really, really suck). Work was nice in both unintentional and intentional ways, and I appreciate it. Overall a good happy day, despite my pain and suffering.

My mom is very scary sometimes. Like most of the time she doesn't do anything about much outside of her room, but just randomly she will, for example, scream at and spank Sun (a very rare occasion for said sister) for being late for bed. Usually she would just be irritated and unhappy, maybe even raise her voice eventually. And then she goes back to talking cheerily and shreaking at her video game stream. So when I go to say goodnight, I point out that part of why she was late for bed was because she was helping with chores. So her response was asking if I needed a beating for my attitude, I am a lazy child standing up for another lazy child, and I owe her an apology or I better find a new place to live by the end of the month. And back to her video game stream. Which I am grateful for, actually, because without the distraction she tends to pop in and out of her room to keep yelling and distributing punishments. Sometimes she just has to remind me why I carry my phone around the house.

Something multiple of my coworkers have said is that I need to "grow a spine/backbone" and "stand up for myself" (and other variants), but I am in multiple places where if you have a backbone, it better be broken quick or you are out. Home? Yeah my sisters can do a lot (especially Rasp, she can be blunt and even rude) but if /I/ show the slightest disagreement or anything there is a /major/ problem. At work? I can't even warn someone that they are doing something obviously not in good practice (with backup from someone else, but they got ignored) without a "you don't tell /anyone/ more experienced than you what to do" talk right up in my personal space. Or say someone's name to ask for something, because "that makes them look bad." I assure you, if I had anything resembling spine I wouldn't have a job or a place to live. I have grown up as an invertebrate, and will continue to be one for a while longer.

I very, very much like consistency and predictability. Even if it's consistently and predictably sucky, I can at least adapt and be ready. Whenever something unexpected, especially if it's threatening, happens I am suddenly scared and stressed again. Like "yeah I am assisting with surgeries before most people wake up on a workday and getting home in the evening with enough time to shower eat and do (lots of) dishes and go to bed later than I should and so my family is always unhappy with me not doing enough and there is this constant impending doom on my family and goals always out of reach and..." And I will go to work the next day to continue to be "always enthusiastic" etc. But then add a random "Mom's overkill mad" in the middle of nowhere and it's time to hide.

I haven't posted on here for a little while, even though there has been plenty going on (I may have a surer way to get a proof of Judaism! Unfortunately it is not exactly the way Mom has "wanted" me to do, so even though it's a lot more reliable it might still be tough to get) But heck is it startling when you get up to use the bathroom before falling asleep and your cricoid pulse is inconsistent and doesn't even match your heartbeat what the heck I'm fine, it's just really disturbing that a vagal response can just mess you up randomly sometimes. Interesting that I haven't fainted yet, really.