Mood Diary

I understand how upsetting it can be to not be able to do what you planned in life. Especially, when something is stopping you from achieving your dreams. There are a lot of people who were not able to pursuer their dreams due to life, so you are not alone. It is great that you expressed your feelings here because sometimes expressing our feelings can make us feel better. If you ever want someone to talk to you can request me and I will listen and support you ❤️.

@Desmynn6789 Thanks! I'll reach out to you if I need to talk to someone 😊

Dear Diary (and whoever else might be reading),

Today was decent. I watched the kids while sis was at work and managed to get part of my college work done, but I couldn't access one of my assignments. I was aggravated that my schedule was disrupted, especially since I planned on doing extra work already this weekend so I have less to do next week on top of Thanksgiving and Black Friday. But I'm usually pretty good at adapting my schedule, so I just sucked it up, emailed my professor to let him know the assignment was blocked, and revised my plans.

Besides kids and college work, I started working on a Christmas present I want to give to one of my nieces: A knitted stuffed animal. I technically started the project the other day, but realized that I messed up a major part of it and had to start over. Usually I get upset from messing up, but this time was different. I'm actually glad I messed up. I chose a different yarn color to use and now I know it's going to look much better. It just goes to show that sometimes when things don't go how you wanted, you can end up with something better.

I also took some time to play ukulele today. I haven't played in a few weeks, and I missed it. Plus, I like writing songs and it's been a while since I tried to write one. Most days, even when I want to write a song, its pretty difficult trying to convey the message I want to get across. But it always helps to have some inspiration. I was listening to some of Adele's new songs earlier, and I loved how expressive and authentic each one was. The lyrics she uses and the way she sings is always full of emotion and so open. I wanted to write a song like that for myself, so I tried it. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and feel like it helped get more of my feelings off my chest. I might post the lyrics in a separate reply at some point.

Anyway, if anyone read this far, thank you. Hope you're doing well wherever you are :)

@persistentBeach9141 These are the lyrics to the song I wrote the other day. I don't know if they're really any good, but it at least brought me peace of mind to write:

Up in the Clouds: 11-19-21

I used to be a bird on the breeze

Soaring through a blue sky

I never dreamed of losing my wings

Wishing I could still fly

Bound to the ground

So sick of the land

Missing the air underneath

Wanting to soar

And follow the wind

Somewhere I can be free

I want to go home

Up in the clouds

Take flight on my own

And never look down

I need to find my way

Nothing left to find

If I choose to stay

I cannot stay

I need to fly away

Up in the clouds

Dear Diary,

The past week has gone well. I got most of the college assignments done that I wanted to get done early this week. Then I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family on Thursday and our other relatives on Friday. I was happy getting to see everyone, and it was relaxing to just focus on enjoying time with my family rather than college for once. Speaking of, I started working on more assignments today. I had plenty of time alone to focus, so I was able to review two lectures and work on a chemistry assignment. Afterwards, I still had plenty of time, so I watched Netflix and played some video games.

Overall, my mood has been better this week than the past few weeks. Although my sister got on my nerves last night and tonight. She said she'd hang out with friends 'for a few hours' last night and I ended up not seeing her until this morning. Then she wanted to hang out with someone else tonight. I struggle with saying no to her, so instead I asked her to pick a time to come home and actually come home at that time. She seemed annoyed that I asked her to do that because she gave me a laundry list of excuses for her not coming home on time last night and basically dismissing my concerns about it before just agreeing to do it.

The thing is, this has happened enough times that when she tells me she plans on hanging out with someone at night, I say 'Ok, see you tomorrow', because I know she won't put in any effort to come home before then. And while I want her to see friends, I feel like its unfair that I end up having to keep taking care of the kids after already having to care for them all day while getting my assignments done. Night is the only free time I have most days, so it feels like my time to mentally recharge and focus on myself is taken away. And I get that I could just tell her no, but it's hard because it makes me feel guilty and selfish.

Anyway, this post is long enough lol. If anyone read this far, thanks for hearing me out. It's challenging to share how I actually feel, especially since it just feels like I'm complaining or being annoying. I don't know, but thanks anyway.

Dear Diary,

I was able to get plenty done today. I started scheduling classes for next semester and working on the assignments I have due this week. Overall, I'm happy with what I was able to accomplish.

But, unfortunately, my mood hasn't been too great today. I felt down and exhausted because I was watching the kids and getting college stuff done 6 hours straight. Then in the evening, I was just going to relax and shower to feel better. I told my sister I wanted to shower, but while I was chilling in the living room, I noticed she'd been in the bathroom for a while. She eventually came out with a coat on and her keys, saying she's going to see a friend for a couple hours. I said 'alright' since both kids were asleep. She ended up coming back on time, and in that time I was able to relax, but I didn't shower because even though the kids were asleep, I never leave them unattended for too long. Anyway, she came home, but returned to the bathroom. In that time, one of my nieces woke up and ran over to me for comfort. I was trying to work on a story I've been writing the past few months, but I figured I could set it aside, comfort her back to sleep, then wait for sis to be done in the bathroom so she could help move her back to bed. 'It won't be much longer' I thought.

Well, I thought wrong. 20 or 30 minutes past and she was still in there. I messaged her and she texted 'sorry' and then asked if she could shower first. So that entire hour she spent in the bathroom before seeing her friend, she didn't shower but now suddenly when I want to get this kid off of me without waking her up so I can work on my story she's gonna shower??? Anyway, she showered and got my niece back to bed. And since I've been wanting to be more honest with my thoughts and emotions, I tried to tell her that I was sad I wasn't able to work on my story much since my niece had fallen asleep on me. Immediately, my sister starts listing off excuses: 'Well, you at least worked on it some of the time'. 'I really needed to shower'. I mentioned that I had also needed to shower and wanted to shower earlier. More excuses: 'You could have told me and I would've stayed long enough for you to shower earlier'. 'My friend really needed me because, you know, she's pregnant right now and needs help'.

Maybe its not that big of a deal. Maybe I'm just being dramatic or complaining about nothing. I don't know, but I'm just sick of the way she talks to me. I feel like all of my thoughts, feelings, issues, and concerns are pushed aside. Dismissed. Ignored. Invalidated. All the time.

If anyone read all of this, thanks for listening. I'm sorry if I'm just being dramatic or complaining or making a big deal out of nothing. I just want to be heard and feel like my feelings matter for once.

Dear Diary,

Had a hard time today. This morning, my sister told me she was planning to go into work around 11, but that she needed to get milk from the store first. I asked if she'd be okay with bringing food home too, but told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to. I only asked because it'd be easier for her to pick something up than for me to try making food while watching the kids. Anyway, she asked if she could just bring me food after work. I told her I didn't really trust her to do that because yesterday she said she'd bring food home after work and never did. This is because something came up and her plans changed, so she didn't have time to drop anything off to me. She explained this to me, and I told her I understood and asked her to just let me know if her plans change next time.

Seems like a reasonable question, right? Its just a simple request. Well, to her it wasn't. She got very upset. She started going off, saying things that twisted the blame onto me, like 'You should've called me' and 'If I don't reply to a message, you have to call. You can't expect me to remember to tell you everything' (I had messaged her on Instagram and she never responded because her notifications were off. Mind you, we decided before that if I needed her while she was working I could message through messenger or Instagram. Calling was never mentioned). She also was saying things like 'I can't take care of you all the time' and 'the world doesn't revolve around you', which made my question seem like it was so ridiculous and unreasonable to ask as if I was asking too much of her or being selfish. And every time I tried to speak up for myself, she spoke over me and got louder. It got to the point that I stopped talking and just felt small and defeated. Even when I started crying, she didn't stop. Just kept telling me 'From now on, if I don't message back, you call' even though the first time she said it, I'd already said 'Alright, I'll do that'.

I'm so tired of this. I'm fed up with getting talked down to, being belittled and dismissed, constantly being ridiculed and blamed for everything, and always being the one who has to 'do this' and 'do that'. I really want us to talk through our issues and get along, but with what happened today, I realize how difficult it would be trying to do that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like no matter what I do, it won't matter. Nothing will change. But I also don't want to sit back and let myself keep being treated this way. Two years has already been two years too long. Enough is enough.

If anyone read all of this, thank you. I've been silent about situations like this for so long, and today it was just too much. Knowing someone cares enough to read it all makes me feel better. Like how I feel and what I think matters for once. Again, thanks.

Dear Diary,

I've been struggling over this weekend. Luckily, it doesn't have to do with my sister. In fact, I feel better about things related to her because I plan on talking with her soon and trying to resolve our issues. I still think it'll be difficult, but at this point, any conversation about how we can treat each other better and get along is a step in the right direction.

Anyway, I've been having trouble with my last few college assignments before finals. One of the websites I need to complete assignments hasn't been working right for the past two weeks. First, it stopped me from taking a quiz I needed to take and today, after I completed a difficult assignment, I couldn't even submit it for grading because the website closed the rest of the submission links last night. So now I'm behind on two assignments before finals and can't do anything about it. The other issue I've had is with my health physics class. I was assigned a really difficult and confusing assignment, but because I had too many other assignments to do, I had to push most of it off until the last minute. So yesterday, I worked on it for like 8 hours. And I did everything: I looked back through notes, listened to lectures, and looked up all the resources I could online. Even then, I just didn't understand how to do several of the problems, and no matter what I did, I knew I'd still get a bad grade. But I kept working through the tears and trying to make sense of everything. By the end, I attempted every problem except for two of them and decided to turn in the assignment.

The thing is, I've always been a high-achieving student and I expect myself to keep being one. I always try my absolute best and rarely settle for 'good enough'. The issue is, sometimes my absolute best isn't 100%, and no matter how much I study, or ask questions, or sit there trying to 'make sense of everything', it never becomes 100%. And I feel like a failure. I remember things some of my teachers in high school would say: 'It's not good enough'. 'You can do better than this'. 'I'm disappointed in you'. That last one always stung the worst. And it stings just as much every time I become disappointed in myself for not reaching the absolute best.

I sat alone outside and cried about everything earlier. I wish I felt better afterwards, but I didn't. I knew I'd have to come back inside and return to everything I've been dealing with. As depressed as I feel, I'm at least hopeful that finals week will go by fast. Then I'm hoping to see some friends of mine, because I haven't seen them in over a month and I miss them.

If anyone read all of this, thanks for listening. I hope you're doing better than I am right now.

Dear Diary,

The past week has been busy and exhausting, so I waited to post another entry here. Overall, despite tons of stress and anxiety, the semester is over and most of my hard work has paid off! I've passed all my finals (except one that still needs to be graded) and I just returned my textbooks yesterday. Now all that's left is finishing my class schedule for next semester, and I'll be fully on break!

I also got the grade back on that difficult health physics assignment I wrote about last time. I got a 76.6 on it. Not great but not bad either. Although I wish I'd done better, at this point I'm just glad I passed. And at the very least, the final was easier. I haven't gotten the grade back for it yet, but as long as I get an 80 on it, I'll manage to get a B in the course!

To keep the good news coming, I was also approved for a $1,000 grant from my college! I'm gonna use some of the money to get a new phone and whatever books I'll need for my courses next semester. And I still need to get Christmas presents, so I'll use it for that too.

Besides finishing the semester, I've also gotten back into some hobbies. I've been working in my sketchbook and playing video games more often. I might share some of my sketches here, but I don't know.

If anyone read this, thank you! Hope your day is going well 😊

Dear Diary,

The past few days have been alright. On Wednesday, I decided to get my class schedule done so I'd have nothing else to do that's college-related until I start the spring semester. It took me a few hours to decide what classes to take, but I'm very happy with my schedule. Although I can't take many classes required for my major (environmental engineering tech) until next fall, I was able to schedule two of them. Then I added some extra classes with similar topics so I could meet the minimum required hours for a full time student. I also added a random class because sometimes its fun to take a class completely unrelated to what you're studying. I landed on a drawing course because I like drawing, its only once a week at the campus for a few hours, and it adds 4 credit hours to my schedule. Plus, all my other courses are online, so I think it'll be a nice way to get out of the house more often. I'm excited but also nervous to be back on campus since its been two years since I've had an in-person class.

I also got the grade back on my health physics final: I got an 87.5! And my overall grade for the course was a B. Considering how difficult the course was, I'm happy with what I was able to accomplish! And I got As in all my other courses. Even though the semester was challenging for a variety of reasons, I'd say it was still a rewarding experience. I learned a lot even if I did it through a lot of tears. Its like that quote 'What comes easy won't last, and what lasts won't come easy'. It helps knowing that I'll have my degree by this time next year. I know it'll be worth it.

I've been relaxing as much as I can the past two days. I still needed to watch the kids while my sister worked, but it was worlds easier without having college work to worry about! At this point, I only have one thing actually worrying me: Christmas. I absolutely love giving gifts, especially homemade ones! Usually by this time I have everything made, wrapped, and ready to go, but I'm so behind this year! I was working on some Christmas presents back in November and managed to get two of them done, but the others I dropped off to focus on childcare and school. At this point, it doesn't seem worth it to make homemade gifts like I normally do. As sad as that makes me, I would feel worse if I rushed making a gift and it came out low quality. So I'll be buying presents for my family and friends this weekend, and I'll work on presents way in advance for Christmas next year.

I also have plans to see a friend tomorrow! I haven't seen her since October, so it'll be nice for us to hang out again. I have no idea what we'll be doing, but she's one of the rare people I can just hang out with and not have any plan in mind. The kind of friend where no matter how long its been, you can just pick up right where you left off. I wish I had more friends like that, but I'm so awkward around other people, it would be a miracle to get more friends at all 😂

If anyone read all of this, thank you. You get a free cookie for reading this novel lol 🍪

Dear Diary,

I got to hang out with my friend for a couple hours last weekend and had a nice time! We drove around town listening to music and stopped by a few places so I could help her with picking out Christmas presents. I decided to wait on buying any presents because my sister and I already planned on shopping together the next day, and I didn't have my list with me.

So my sister and I went shopping at the mall the next day. I sometimes get panic attacks when I go shopping because of the bright lights, constant noise, and crowds everywhere, but my sister helped me whenever I started feeling overwhelmed. After a few hours, we managed to get a lot of stuff for our family and friends! I still want to get some other things for my friends, but I bought everything I planned to get for my family, so that's a huge relief!

As for how today has been, it's been good. We've been watching Christmas movies and wrapping presents all day. My sister also put up the tree (yeah, we were really behind this Christmas 😅). There's still so much to do, but I feel confident we'll get everything ready on time! It helps that we've divided up the celebration with family over a few days, so we still have time to finish wrapping gifts for the relatives we're going to see this Sunday.

If anyone read this, happy holidays! I hope you're doing well 😊

Dear Diary,

The past week has been good. Had a fun Christmas get-together with my family. I loved getting to see everyone and everyone was happy with their presents. Speaking of, most of the presents I got were art supplies. I got tons of markers and four sketchbooks! Glad I signed up for an art class next semester lol. I'm gonna get some good use out of them. And I've already done a few fun, colorful drawings in one of the sketchbooks.

It's been nice enjoying winter break, but today, I feel kind of sad. I'm not sure why. I know I don't really need to know why because feelings are valid and don't need a reason. But it still bothers me when I don't know why I'm feeling upset. If I knew why, then I could at least be more proactive with turning my mood around. Either way, I'll just try to accept that I feel sad and continue with my day. It's just one day of many after all. I know better days are coming in 2022, and I'm excited to be there for them.

It feels like yesterday I was a high school senior who was in such a dark place I couldn't see a future for myself past graduation. But here I am, just one year away from getting my degree. Even though I'm not sure what I'm doing after that, I'm finally okay with not knowing. I don't need my whole life planned out and I don't need certainty all the time. I'm ready to just go with the flow and enjoy life while I still have the blessing of living it.

If anyone read this, Happy New Year! I hope 2022 brings you a lot of good fortune and happiness!

Dear Diary,

I'm just here to vent right now because I'm feeling really worried and sad today. My sister got sick earlier this week and it turns out she had covid. Now today she's taking one of my nieces to see the doctor and get tested for covid because she might be sick too.

On top of being worried about my family being sick, I just found out the art class I was really looking forward to taking was cancelled. That class was the one thing I was going to have for myself. It was going to be a way for me to get out my house for a while, to take a break from childcare, be around other people, and have fun drawing for a few hours. I was so excited, I'd already bought a new backpack and supplies for being on campus again. Now it feels like it was all for nothing.

I just feel like every time I get to have something for myself it's taken away. I just want something to work out for me or go my way for once. I've been constantly putting myself aside for the past two years and putting everyone else first. This was my chance to choose me and what I want, and now it's gone.

So tomorrow I'm going to look through whatever classes are available. If I can manage to find another fun class that's in person once a week at a reasonable time then maybe I'll add it. For now, I'm too upset and disappointed to look for a new class.

If anyone read this, thank you. I don't really have anyone I can talk to so openly about feelings like this, so it's nice that I can share it on here instead of keeping it all inside. I hope you're having a better day than me.

Dear Diary,

I haven't posted in a while for a couple reasons. First is because I ended up getting covid and having to get over that. Then I started the spring semester and was focused on getting familiar with my online courses. Also, I ended up finding a new art class to take, but it's online and is about analyzing art rather than making art. I think I'll still enjoy the class though.

Anyway, I'm not doing too great today. I don't know why, but I just woke up and felt sad and irritable. Besides that it was a normal day: I watched over the kids while my sister worked and I worked on some college assignments. It was difficult working on my assignments. I was on the verge of crying the whole time and struggled to get even one of my assignments done. I ended up pushing one off until tomorrow to work on because I just couldn't bring myself to work on it. I think it'll be easier to keep up with assignments once I get used to the course load in my classes and the sporadic due dates, but it's going to be difficult the first few weeks, especially with this depressive episode I'm going through.

Honestly, I'm getting fed up with these depressive episodes. I've had more of them than usual throughout last year and it just sucks. I need to get better at managing my mental health so these episodes are easier to deal with. I don't want to keep doing the same things I normally do to cope with it because it hasn't been working. I don't know exactly what I can do instead, but I just know I need to do things differently.

If anyone read this, thanks. I'm feeling pretty helpless and discouraged lately, but it makes me feel a bit better knowing someone out there cares.