Mood Diary
Hey. I’ve used 7 Cups a few times over the past year or so. I usually talk to listeners when I’m going through things that I need to discuss, but I decided to try something new with this thread. Don’t know how often I’ll post here, but I just want a place to talk about how I’m feeling when I need to. And it’s okay to reply/comment if you want.
This is the hard part. Actually expressing myself. Actually using my voice for once. Everyday I set it aside. I set myself aside. There are many reasons for this, but one stands out: Responsibility. Over the past two years, I’ve kept myself busy with online college and helping my sister raise her babies. As much as my studies have interested me and as much as I love my nieces, it’s time for me to be honest: I wish I didn’t have to help. I wish my sister was well off enough to live on her own with the kids. I wish I could just live my own life again.
I know kids require tons of love, patience, and attention to take care of. I realize that this is the life that comes with raising kids. But I never wanted it. I always thought after graduating high school, I’d find my independence. I wanted the chance to focus on my studies, finally learn to drive, and get my first job. Instead I got a pandemic. I got a sister with a toddler and a second baby on the way living with me and my parents. Just like that, my life stopped. My goals were paused. My dreams were delayed. All at once, I was forced to stay home, taking college courses online and learning how to raise children.
So it all circles back to that one word: Responsibility. I’m still holding the same responsibility I picked up two years ago, and while some things have gotten easier, I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. Tired of trying to be what everyone needs me to be. Tired of trying my best. Trying to be perfect. Trying at all.
This is a good place to stop. I struggle talking about my thoughts/emotions, but I’m hoping these posts will not only help me get things off my chest, but teach me how to be more open and expressive in general. If you read all this, thanks for hearing me out. I hope you have a good day :)
Dear Diary,
I'm just here to vent right now because I'm feeling really worried and sad today. My sister got sick earlier this week and it turns out she had covid. Now today she's taking one of my nieces to see the doctor and get tested for covid because she might be sick too.
On top of being worried about my family being sick, I just found out the art class I was really looking forward to taking was cancelled. That class was the one thing I was going to have for myself. It was going to be a way for me to get out my house for a while, to take a break from childcare, be around other people, and have fun drawing for a few hours. I was so excited, I'd already bought a new backpack and supplies for being on campus again. Now it feels like it was all for nothing.
I just feel like every time I get to have something for myself it's taken away. I just want something to work out for me or go my way for once. I've been constantly putting myself aside for the past two years and putting everyone else first. This was my chance to choose me and what I want, and now it's gone.
So tomorrow I'm going to look through whatever classes are available. If I can manage to find another fun class that's in person once a week at a reasonable time then maybe I'll add it. For now, I'm too upset and disappointed to look for a new class.
If anyone read this, thank you. I don't really have anyone I can talk to so openly about feelings like this, so it's nice that I can share it on here instead of keeping it all inside. I hope you're having a better day than me.
Dear Diary,
I haven't posted in a while for a couple reasons. First is because I ended up getting covid and having to get over that. Then I started the spring semester and was focused on getting familiar with my online courses. Also, I ended up finding a new art class to take, but it's online and is about analyzing art rather than making art. I think I'll still enjoy the class though.
Anyway, I'm not doing too great today. I don't know why, but I just woke up and felt sad and irritable. Besides that it was a normal day: I watched over the kids while my sister worked and I worked on some college assignments. It was difficult working on my assignments. I was on the verge of crying the whole time and struggled to get even one of my assignments done. I ended up pushing one off until tomorrow to work on because I just couldn't bring myself to work on it. I think it'll be easier to keep up with assignments once I get used to the course load in my classes and the sporadic due dates, but it's going to be difficult the first few weeks, especially with this depressive episode I'm going through.
Honestly, I'm getting fed up with these depressive episodes. I've had more of them than usual throughout last year and it just sucks. I need to get better at managing my mental health so these episodes are easier to deal with. I don't want to keep doing the same things I normally do to cope with it because it hasn't been working. I don't know exactly what I can do instead, but I just know I need to do things differently.
If anyone read this, thanks. I'm feeling pretty helpless and discouraged lately, but it makes me feel a bit better knowing someone out there cares.
