Luchelle's Room
I hope that you don't mind me ranting here. You can reply to my posts of course.
I'm sorry if there's something triggering here.
Welcome to my dairy (or a place where I write down my stuff)
There will be a lot of typos and dramatic stories.
I wanna start of by introducing myself
My name is Luchelle (Fake name) I am 14 years old, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been having suicidal thoughts since little, but I'm okay now. 7 Cups has changed me a lot. I don't know what am I gonna be if I don't found this site.
Friday, 7th September 2018
10 PM
I have another day off from school today. I studied math (which I failed to understand) and English, watched some k drama, I also watched this documentary about a girl who was abducted and enslaved for around 9 years. It really disturbed me. Oh yeah, I saw this sculpted woman from the momo challenge, haha I'm really afraid now, I don't think I can sleep. Oh and one last thing, my friend sent me a picture of her friend cutting her wrist just for fun. And another thing, my sister told me that her friend was going to cut as well.
What an extraordinary day, isn't it?
I've decided to be a personality psychologist. It's a psychologist that focuses on personality related things, I guess. I've always love finding out about personalities, like the MBTI. My MBTI is INTJ, melancholic choleric (the four personality). I think I used to be an ESTx.
I need to work on my communication skill if I wanna be a psychologist, and also my people skill. I can't even say hi to the people I know at public sometimes. I have a lot of homework, group projects, exams to do lol. I hope my health is okay. I've been sick for like 1 month now.
I need someone to talk to now. Is it me or are all the listeners seems to be unavailable? I connected to like 10 listeners this week and none were doing their job properly. They all reply so late, but when they do reply it's just a short message. It feels like they don't care about me.
Today I'm proud of facing my fear related to social stuff. I also had a good talk with @iiRiaii today. Goodluck for tomorrow, Ria!! :3
@Luchelle
i wish i can private mwssage you right now, i want to listen to you and help you, i can't imagen that there is a friend of mine needing help and i don't do anything...
the things you said at first are horrible, i don't like to watch this kind of things, but i watch horror sometimes.
i had a very bad day today, there was a pre-wedding we're supposed to go to me and my father, but when we were about to go out i couldn't find my shoes, i always put them in the shoe closet, but today they weren't there, i told dad and he stressed out and started screaming and shouting at me, and blaming me for not preparing myself. eventually i started screaming back at him because i don't know who took them from thier place! trying to push his screaming by my screaming i said a bad word to him and rised my voice louder than his, and told him to go alone, when he went i was so angry and so sad and didn't know what to do, my throat was hurting me because i don't scream at all normally. when he came back i was in my bed, then mom came and dad started asking her where are my shoes, but from my knowledge of mom i felt like she have something to do with it, i don't know, after a while mom told me to hold my brother for a little bit but i pretended to be asleep, and pretended to wake up because she insisted, then i didn't obey, i was davestated but i felt like its still wrong.
eventhough i try my best to be beautiful, to make right decisions, i still fail, not my intention... but still do wrong... God forgive me T^T
@AtomLight
Oh Gosh, this sounds horrible. He shouldn't have blamed and screamed to you in the first place. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I understand how you feel though, it's not easy to hold back anger when you're being treated unfairly. I have a listener account, but we're not supposed to reveal our other accounts. I hope things goes well for you. Stay strong :3
@Luchelle
Thank you my friend.. i guess i feel better today.. but mom isn't talking to me... i feel kinda stressed about it.. but i'll try my best to be strong..
Friday, 21st September 2018
10 PM
It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. I've been busy with my studies and school works. @AtomLight are you still there?
I feel so alone these days, I'm not entirely sure why. Is it because my close friends are a bit distant? Is it because I socialized too much? Is it because I emotionally isolated myself? There are too many causes to determine. These days have been stressful and exhausting.
So I made my decision to major in Psychology. I want to be a Personality Psychologist or Experimantal Psychologist or Industrial and Organizational Psychologist, wow so many to choose.
A Personality Psychologist is a psychologist who looks at the patient's personality. Now, I've always loved discovering others and my own personality, so this might be the right one for me. However, I searched it for hours and I don't think it's an official job title in my country, hecc even psychologists here are rare.
An Experimental Psychologist does experiments and research. I am unsure because my analitical skills are a bit wonky, at least in my opinion. But I love researches!
Industrial and Organizational Psychologist have a high salary, but I don't think I like doing this, well I haven't looked into this much.
@Luchelle
Hey long time no see, of course i'm still here i just wanted you to take your time, you know life ^^
i was very happy when you asked about me...
i'm still training to get my driving licens, after that i'm planning to work anything just to earn some money, eventhough i'm a mechanical engineer finding a job these days is like searching for batterfly in a graveyard, but i have a strong will and i'm sure i'll manage somehow
btw my sister also is interested in psychology, i remember you whenever she minsions that, she's not so good in english though haha
i wish you the best in the life
cheers ^^
@AtomLight
Woahh, goodluck on your driving license! Hmmm yeah it is really hard to find a job. Ooooo that's interesting, well she can learn English as time goes by, by interacting with other people.
Well, if you read my very first post here, you can see that I am wayyy younger than you, so I don't know much about the 'career' world.
@Luchelle
yeah, I imagen that you're 16 or 17 years old if i'm not mistaking, but you'll learn a little bit everyday, from everywhere, like me fo example heheh ^^
i guess my sister is younger than you by 1 or 2 years, but i think it'll be a while for her to be able to communicate with other people
Saturday, 22nd September 2018
8 PM
Well, today was okay. I spent half of the day studying physics and math. I understand it, but I'm sure I could forget it in a few days so I have to revise plus condense it again.
I saw my old beat friend today. He saw me too and he ignored me. It really hurts when he seem' like he doesn't care about our past friendship at all. It's like it never happened before.
I wish I could punch and hug him at the same time, hah, I don't even have the courage to strike a convo with him.
I found out that one of classmate wants to be a psychologist too and I'm pissed about it. Why? Because she doesn't have a deep understanding to psychology. Hell, she doesn't even understand what depression is. It's like as if she just wanna meet crazy people, but it's not like that. And also, my teacher said "You have to be crazy first to meet a psychologist and psychiatrist", that made my blood boil. The amount of stigma around psychologists/psychiatrists and mental health in my country is amazing *claps hands*. I feel really sorry for the people who are diagnosed with a mental illness because they are discriminated here, as if people with a mental illness is 'crazy' and 'out of their mind'.
Anyways, I think I need glasses for my eyes. Far things seem to be blurry.
@Luchelle
I wish you to be healthy and beautiful ^^
What you said about your friend "she just wanna meet crazy people" oh that made me laugh hahah, please don't be hursh on her but teach her what you know, maybe she's just interisted in the subject but don't really want to be a psychologist you know
When i was in the university, i went to the psychologist office sometimes to ask her wheather to do this or that, so i think its normal and okay to do this we don't have to be CRAZY to talk to these people right?
@AtomLight
Awe thank you very much. I hope you're healthy and beautiful too! :3
Lol, donut worry, I only asked her a questions about "Why do you wanna be a psychologist?". Hmm she didn't answer me directly, I think she said something like " Because I want to" .
Awwwww, you're so lucky to be able to meet one. I dont have a psychologist or a counselor in my school. I really want to see one, but I'm 100% sure my mom and dad would be like "Why? You're not mentally sick, why bother going there".
Well, mom and dad, I think I AM mentally sick.
No one saved me, so I saved my own self with 7 Cup's support.
@Luchelle
I'm here for you don't worry ^^
and yeah thats right, you're the only one who can save you, actually the psychologist in my university was kinda a relative for my step mother, sometimes i went to her just to say hi, and sometimes i asked her about things, hahah there was another one in the same office and she tought me how to cook lol. but in general she's the only psychologist i've ever met.
my best best best best best best best best best best best psychologist was my Flower, the girl that i love, i've never talked to her by voice, i saw her picture only once, but the first thing i knew of her was her heart, i couldn't feel alone back then, i couldn't feel hungry, i couldn't feel sad, she's just a gift from God that cannot be discribed. ^^
ANYWAYS
I've asked some people for work, they fix chillers and pumps, two of them took my phone number, i hope i can work with them so at least i can get a little bit of experience in my field, after that things would be smoother
@AtomLight
Aaww that's so sweet!! She's so lucky to have someone to love her soooo much.
@Luchelle
Thanks ^^
i'm happy to have her too.. in my heart at least heheh
Tuesday, September 25 2018.
10 PM
Dear dairy,
I feel sad.
I feel so alone.
@Luchelle
I wish i can help you in some way..
i know its hard to feel lonely.. i felt that many times.. maybe until today..
i know!
how about this.. when you feel lonely and want to talk to someone who understands you.. you can talk to me. i learned how to listen even if the subject is not of my interests.. as long as its of yours i will be glad to listen and keep up with you and even ask more about it
i'm happy when you're happy ^^
@AtomLight
Thank youuu, but nahh, I'll feel like I'll bother you and them.
@Luchelle
You wont bother me at all, but i wont force you if you don't want to. Just know that i'm here often and ready to help ^^
@AtomLight
You're too kind to me ;-;
I'll keep that in my mind then
@Luchelle
I love me to be kind.. thank you for saying that to me.. i read it with my heart...
you know.. the toughest thing in life is us.. understanding me, how am thinking, what i want and what i need, choosing to do the right thing over the useless happy things from outside... its really hard, i'm fighting my bad self day and night for that, and.. at the end of today.. i feel like.. i just want to nestle my face to someone kind.. someone who have a warm heart.. a warm smile... a soft hand to go over my hair.. and make me forget every single thing...
someone.. who see me as a beautiful thing.. no matter how much mistakes i make.. someone who believes in me.. and keep believing not giving up on me... i know she's out there...
sorry i became too emotional... my heart slip some words heheh..
i wish you're doing well.. GoodNight/Morning ^^
@Luchelle
I don't know if it's too late but I'm always gonna be here for you. We're sisters, we're in this together. I know we go days without talking sometimes but I want you to know that I would never try to hurt you or leave you. I'm so sorry how my schedule usually keeps me away but always know if you're in trouble ever, I'll come running and try my best to save you. You're loved deeply ❤
@iiRiaii Shhhhhhh you don't need to be sorry, I know how hectic our schedule is :')
haha, if I ever hurt you, just remember that I have some traits from my parents and I'm trying to get rid of it. If I ever sound selfish, that's from my dad. If I ever sound dramatic or overacting, that's from my mom.
You can call me insane if I ever leave you. You can insult me, curse me, do whatever you like to me, but for goodness sake don't ever be fake and then leave me. I'm tired of people like that. Maybe that's why I tend to get along with boys more, because they are way more honest than the girls here.
I love you too Ria, really really love ya ;-; time spent with you is not wasted at all, it's cherished.
@Luchelle We are here for you <3 I get lonely a lot, too. Literally, I can be hanging out with someone and they can leave the room (just the room, yes! lol) and within 5 seconds sometimes I can just feel this complete and utter emptiness. I know it's not "normal" (whatever that means) but it happens to me a lot. I'm so thankful to have this site to keep me company when no one else is around too and I'm struggling to be alone with my own thoughts
Tuesday, October 2 2018
8 PM
Hahaha, I bet my English test's mark is lower than my friend's, just because I forgot to write the arragements's dialog or somethin like that. I gave up on my other test lol.
After the hectic exams of the day, I went to a tutoring (?) place (damn, I need to improve my English). Finally understood quadratic function (?), coordinates, curves, and things like that. Math is actually easy IF you put your heart, soul, and energy into it. I found out that using mind maps in math is really useful.
My paranoid mind is back again. I'm starting to think horror things again. Having a vivid imagination with horrifying thoughts is not pretty. Oh and plus my anxiety issues. Thus I can't stay in a room by myself without developing a panic attack.
I think my mini-depressed-mood is over. The last few days was exhausting, so tiring that by laying down, sitting down, and standing doesn't help at all (What is wrong with you, body).
Today I'm proud of myself for not cheating in my exam even when ALL of my classmates did. I mean like, they even Googled the answers *scoffs*.
Random thoughts:
~ This country needs more decent teachers.
~ I think I saw something in the corner of my eye and it's terrifying me, help me.
~ Can my mind just chill.
~ I need to continue studying math for tomorrow
~ Is she ignoring me? Nah, she's just busy so shut up, mind
~ I'm pissed at people who thinks cutting your wrist is freaking cool trend
~ When will the suffering end?
~ @iiRiaii *pokes* wanna play a texting game some day?
~ I might need glasses one day if I keep straining my eyes
~ I found out that I canNOT study at a messy and hot place, which is my class's condition every single day.
~ Eh, better start studying again.
Goodluck for me tomorrow ;-;
Friday, October 5 2018
4 PM
GAH, midterm is finally over :') RIP grades though.
hahaha, I think the only one who didn't cheat on the exams was me and my friend. Well, I only asked one questions because I forgot that ONE thing. I know it's somewhere in my brain, but my brain refuses to get that information. And my friend, she, well, she teamed up with the other people around her, sooo, is that cheating?
Oh, and yes, there was a teacher. She doesn't seem to care that the students are cheating *sighs*. Even the top student, most religious, most obedient student in my class cheated. SO, no matter how low my grades will be, I should be proud of myself because those numbers are pure from my effort :'D.
Today was, eh, okay I guess. Today I'm proud of myself for "trying" to study statistics and friends.
I have an idea. Can you describe my personality in a paragraph? I wanna see what I look like in your point of view, and of course I'll do the same to you. Even though if you found this few years later, you can still reply :3.
@Luchelle
Years aren't that long anymore..
sorry for not replaying in a while, i was sleeping early and not opening 7cups, today i couldn't resist haha
i will try to.. even though i might be wrong so please forgive me
i see you as a person that is afraid of darkness, likes people who are honest and understanding, someday you didn't like yourself but you're beginning to understand her more every day, you're even proud of her for doing small good things every day or almost every day. you like the other kind of thinking that is not mathmatical, the thinking of hearts which is more complicated and more beautiful, you don't seem to be selfish because you recognize your mistakes, but you're getting better at not being cruel to yourself ^^
i hope i saw you right.. aannnd.. they say if you wanna to get rid of your fears you have to face them.. this might not be easy but surely it works real good.. i used to imagen somethings scary when i was little, after i grew up i dare them to scare me again, i stay alone, i become scared sometimes and even cover my entire body under the blanket heheh.. so i think its ok to be scared, but the courage is not to run from them, after a while they (whoever they are) might end up as friends to you ^^
hope you're doing well everyday
@AtomLight
Thank you very much <3 <3
Don't worry, I'm asking my personality in 'your point of view' so there's no wrong or right answers!
My turn! I see you as an understanding person as well! You have deep emotions dwelling inside you. You love writing to pour all of those emotions out. A patient person, open-minded, kind-hearted, genuine. self-less. A person who is just enjoying life as it is (not quite sure about this one XD), loves helping people (especially here). Hmmm, I'm bad at describing things ;-;
@Luchelle
AWWWWWW T^T
that's... so sweet of you
thank you ^^
heheh... I don't lnow what to say
@Luchelle
Your personality in a paragraph woukd be kinda an understatement ❤ you're much more than the words I could use to describe you. Still I'll list a bunch of qualities (keeping the word limit in mind)
1. You're sweet - you're one of the sweetest people I know, you are so understanding and no matter how late I get to get back to you, you're forgiving and just get what I'm going through.
2. You're strong - I know how hard it gets for you but I still see your cheery side whenever I talk to you. When I'm feeling down you keep your problems aside and listen to me. You're literally the sweetest and the best sister ever.
3. You're mature beyond your age - yes you are, no denying in that. I wish when I was your age I would have been the same, maybe I could have saved myself from a little pain :p but now I'm glad I had to go through certain things. I know you are mature because you went through things too and now you're stronger than ever.
4. You can handle and tolerate me when I get distant xD this is something even my best friends can't control I guess that's why I keep losing friends. I need alone time when I feel like it, and though I feel bad about it I need people to understand that. You're one of the few people who understand ❤
I could go on and on about you but even that wouldn't be enough. You sure had a contribution in making me who I am today. You're my sweet little sister and I'm always gonna come back to you no matter what ❤
@iiRiaii
Oh my gosh RRIIAAAAAAAAAAA this almost made me cry, take responsibility for it D:<
JK JK
Jsisiajhdkdhflhdkjsksj, If only I'm good at words I'd be writing more than I am now ;-;
Welp, I'm kinda used to people being distant to me and then suddenly coming back to me all the time so it's alright xD. Eh, I dont really have a big problem in my life, I think the problem is just myself. I mean, I'm experiencing things like everyone do, like stressful events, parents fighting 24/7, loss of loved ones, financial issues, retarded school, etc. It's just me who's making things seem bigger than they actually are.
Thank you for taking your time to write that long list if me xD. So here's yours:
1. YOU'RE KIND, too kind, in fact. Like, you're too kind sometimes it hurts me. You listened to my trashy rants, said kind words jsiajskajakwk, always reassuring me that you love me (and yeah sometimes I need that to calm my overthinking nature :p I'm a baby aren't I xD).
2. You're really good at words. This might be the reason you're so good at making poems. You also like songs that the lyrics just fits you perfectly.
3. You're hardworking. Hehew, you inspired me to get my ass up and do something, and thus I marked 94/100 in my math exam without cheating and apparently mine was the highest mark in my class *wips hair*.
3. You learn from mistakes. This is a rare trait I see in everybody. Like you told me, you had a hard last with somebody and it made you more mature. It's not easy to do that and I'm proud if you for it :3.
4. You're a good leader. Not quite sure, but I have a feeling you'll do good in leading people, or at least good in explaining things to people. A good leader is a figure to their followers, they're good at communicating, understanding people, and organizing. You seem to be one, but then again, I'm still not sure.
5. You're compassionate. How can I not mention this? You're so loving towards me, your friends, family. Oof, I live ya too Ria ;-;
There are more than this, I just can't recall them one by one. It will come up as time goes by, not sure if you wanna hear it though.
Woah, I'm always in your mind xD? I must be disturbing you 24/7 3:)
Welp, I seem cheery towards you not because I faked it or hiding my feelings. (Well, maybe I did hide them a bit). I just have this system inside of me to change my attitude according to the person in talking to. My feelings are still the same between people, it's just my attitude that keeps changing. I'm not even sure if I'm being genuine or not at times. But regardless of what I act like, I'm still the same person inside. There's no true me, I think, she doesn't exist.
@Luchelle
Sweetieee, you're not good with words, you're great with words, trust me! I don't like that we haven't been talking likes we used to, and it's just that my life has become different for me for now, I've to study a lot to get the subject of my choice and then after that I'll have to study way harder to get into a desired college/university. You're never the problem, honey! I know life gets really hard sometimes and you know don't know if you should keep going because everything is falling apart, but more times than not they're actually falling into place. Don't give up on anything yet and never stop hoping for the best, you got this and I'm proud of you for scoring so much in Maths! You're more than you think you are, and you do way more than you give credit for, to yourself.
Hehe thanks for mentioning so many things xD I love you! ❤ Also I read this somewhere - "I don't want to say I love you too, because too implies that I love you in addition to you loving me, but that's not true. I'd love you even if you hated me."
You don't disturb me! I love talking to you and I really smile knowing you're out there. I appreciate you being in my life and trust me I'm not good with emotions but I really do care for you, despite me being away, I'm forever in your heart and I'm gonna be around, so don't worry!
I get that. We all have different versions of ourselves, but the girl I know is really you. You're still growing up and you'll figure out who you really are. ❤
Saturday, October 13 2018
9 AM
Just woke up with a tired and aching body. For some reason I feel so empty, or maybe numb? I still have some motivation left in me. Am I really healthy mentally? Or am I just denying it? There's so many unanswered question in my head Lol.
My mom told me that there's my Mom's friend's wedding today, should I come? I only come for the food hewhewhew, I hope there's pudding there too. Ah weddings, I don't wanna marry anyone tho, I dont wanna end up like my mom. She's stuck, we're stuck with my father who can't understand the simplest thing in a problem and the amount of negativity he brings to the house is amazing.
I got my negative thinking from my dad, unfortunately.
There's this one friend of mine at school *cough*acquaintance*cough*, she keeps getting higher marks than me and it annoys me because she has everything. Books for the finals's preparation, healthy diet foods, a lot of friends, years of studying in the best tuition place which I can't go before because I don't have enough money yet. Yeah you can say that I envy her. But what's really bothering me is her attitude. She talks behind people's back, has a bad temper, treats her sister really badly, and she's mostly faking her kindness. I'm talking behind her back too, aren't I?
Well, I'm trying to convert this envy to a motivation to study more, unfortunately, I don't even have the energy to read. I mean I really want to to do something, but my body and mental health says no. *claps slowly*.
I'm still confused of why would everybody here call me mature and why would everybody in real life call me immature. Is this the evidence of my ever changing attitude? I think it is.
@Luchelle
Well, thats something.. to be called by opposite things here and there. but what do they mean by "mature"? do they mean you're understanding? understand the life and how hard it could be? or maybe just not matching their expectations as a daughter... well, for me.. I would not ask too much from my daughter if I have one, just let her be as she is, because thats what make anyone of us so beautiful, no?
you know, not every man is a bad guy or not understanding, the thing is they're few. I would like to think that i'm one of the few hehe, I always think of how I would treat my wife and how should I be nice and kind to her, trying to learn what should I do in some situations that could happen in the future. A lot of imagination everyday, and trying my best to not do mistakes my dad do with mom.
its early to decide though who to marry, first things first, I have to find a job *sigh*
I hope you found pudding in the wedding hahah, I love it tooo
I would like to think of life as a game, if you did play some games, at first of the game you wonder around trying to find out what to do and where to go right? I feel now that i'm in the same situation, I tell myself "If i didn't wonder around I wont make any progress in my game, I have to go out and ask people about the thing I want, I some of them didn't have a job they could tell me where to find one
annnnd, sorry for being late, the beautiful internet is disconnected since more than a month, i've got my mobile internet but its such a slow one.
there is emotions that are trapped in my heart, I'm trying to get them out but they wont do it. do they have their own will? I feel like they're children just sitting there inside me jumping and playing, and when I want to show you how awesome and beautiful they are they hide from me, maybe they're not introduced by words. emotions can be revealed in different ways right?
I have to go eat something because I'm really starving hah, I hope you the best life and to be always so beautiful as you are ^^
@AtomLight
Hmm, I'm not sure, maybe they meant I was understanding?
Awwwwww, I'm sure you'll be a great husband xD!! Thank you for your kind words <3 <3 <3 <3. I 100% agree with you that life is like a game. Well, actually it is a game. A game where there are unlimited possibilities. Oof, you better eat well, dear friend D:<
@Luchelle
*smile*
I'm slipping back into depression, i think.
how do i get back up again:?
@Luchelle
Hi again Luchelle
I started training with security and defense technologies company 4 days ago, I feel like i've entered a new era of my life, its strange when you see your life from a third person prespective, thats how you see some games right?
things are not clear at first, maybe for a bit of time, years.. months.. its different from one person to another, but the sequance is almost the same.. there is stages and levels.. they can be nearly impossible to go over.. but not impossible, i'm sure about that.
impossible means that we didn't find the answer YET.. thats all.
and so.. when you get over a long stage that have been a drag on you, you probably wont know the thing yet.. you have to finish more than just one level to reach that point.. the point when you reliese that you have finished 3 or 4 levels and that you're in a sequance of reachin somthing.. wheather you know what is that somthing or not you'll know that you're walking towards it.. even if you mistakingly looked at another thing thinking that its what you're walking to.. you're still walking to that specific thing.. the thing that you're supposed to do that no other being can do like you do.. if you don't know what it is yet then you'll know it when you see it with your own eyes.
welp, i wrot that from my heart hahah..
i wanted to update my life to you but ended up writing this heheh..
i wanted to say this too, whenever you feel lonely, remember that i'll be happy to talk to you
@AtomLight
You wrote that with your heart? Woah! Thank you very much :3.
Yeah I agree, I think I'm stuck in that ONE impossible stage. All I need to do is just to keep trying and improving. I need to keep going, on and in and on until I die.
Oof, that sounds like a cool job :0!
@Luchelle
Woah, not like thaaaat.. i mean.. not until you die.. death is not the end anyways..
you know.. we live forever.. but ask me now.. who is 'we'?
we in general consist of three things.. the body, the soul, and ourselves.. now the 'we' i told you about is the soul.. this is the true us.. it lives forever.. it loves good things like helping people, its the best thing in us. the body is just a tool to help the soul doing things. the self is like a baby that wants to buy every candy in the store once he sees it, the self likes to enjoy and relax and doing nothing, sometimes it tells you to do wrong things, sometimes its not good nor bad.. but yeah.. thats the self. now what we need to do is to let our souls be strong and its desissions to be heared out.. and to neglect the unnesessary things comming from our 'selves' and to use our bodies in good ^^
i felt like you don't feel too good... is everything alright? or is it the deprission?
well.. try to read depression in another way.. de press ed ... so we need to be ... press ed ... right? maybe some lubricant can help
i have some lubricant.. its called... LOVE .... you want some? ooh come onnn i know you would love to have some LOVE... i have some spare LOVE so you don't have to worry about me.. my tank is full.. eventhough i don't know how to use it hahahah silly me.. oh i know... maybe you can teach me how to use it in return... would you.. do that for me..??
@Luchelle
I'm not sure... why are you slipping back into it?
i will write some to u when i get back home
hang on there ^^
There will be a time where she will soar the sky with her glorious wings.
But, no, not now.
But she has to.
But that sky seems so. . . high.
No No, she have to soar, it's her dream.
But what if she fall. . .
Again?
What if the sky turns into a storm?
What if a hunter shoot her down?
What if everyone hated her wings?
O-or they hated 'her'?
But she has to soar, or else she could die in vain.
It seems so easy to everyone else. . .
Too easy,
Yet hard.
S-she has to soar. She must. She wants.
B-but, it doesn't have to be now. . .
Does it?
The ground looks so far away. . .
Maybe she could try it later. . .
But later becomes never.
Ah, screw it.
She turned away from the edge of the sky.
With a similar pain and in-the-dumps stomach,
Hid her glorious black wings away. . .
Again.
Little did she know, someone was waiting eagerly for her to soar the sky.
@Luchelle
sour... the sky...
even if they didn't want her to sour... she will sour...
even if it have risks.. she have to sour...
i loved the one encouraging her to sour.. she seemed to feel her heart and care about it... she cared about what she wanted and saw it as if it is her that wants to sour..
i like that personality so much... so beautiful...
and i imagened her as a female because thats what she sounded like... heheh..
She always loved the loneliness spreading through her bones.
It feels like home.
Those lonely nights with a phone, zero notification. Bright screen making her eyes burn in return.
Or those nights when her thoughts lulled her to sleep. Either agonizing or reassuring her.
What does it feel like to be alone?
It feels like you want to talk, but you don't want to meet someone.
You want to be alone, but you're scared to be alone.
You want to cry, but your tears are dry leaving in the pain still.
You want to get help, but everyone is busy with their own problem, leaving you alone in the dark.
It's like people are professional actors/actresses, fooling you in every way, every word.
It's like watching another person's life.
It's so lone.
Lacuna, filling up your heart.
It feels like you're hovering on top of another human, silently observing. There are two emotions, two thoughts, two hearts, two opinions, two of you.
Yours, and your puppet.
You're the alien in this world, you're the alien in your friends and family, you're the alien in your own body.
Perhaps a real alien could feel more at home here more than you ever will.
It's a curse, yet a gift.
Nobody understands you.
Nobody will ever do.
Nobody actually truly cares.
Everybody is selfish.
Everybody is sad.
So I can't complain.
Who am I compared to others?
I'm just a mere dust, or smoke, being swept by the wind.
Again, who am I to complain?
My parents said I can't complain.
Others have it worse.
If the worse one and they didn't know it was told that, they can't complain.
Thus, nobody can complain.
Ah, what am I saying.
I should stop.
@Luchelle
its sad.. to think that everyone doesn't care, because this lonely person has seen only what is displayed in his circle of sight, there is more beyond that small circle. i've found my soul mate in another country.. no... in another contenent.. she's so far.. yet so close to my heart like no one who's actually near me is...
i feel anxious whenever i try to say something like that, because i feel like i'm just saying the same thing everyone has said..
i understand it, and understand lonelyness.. i've felt it many times.. its like having a hole in my heart and my soul.. i want to talk to someone but i don't find the one who will feel me, they all say they understand but i doubt it.. i'm not sure why... but i don't feel like they really felt the pain in my heart..
but... that girl surely did.. she understood that i was feeling pain, then she tried to take it away from my heart gently, just me knowing this makes me feel warmth and satisfied... even if she didn't really do anything... just her trying to help.. is enough... ♡
@AtomLight
ahm it must be really nice to have someone like that. She's lucky to have you and you're lucky to have her.
@Luchelle
i'm also lucky to have you around