Luchelle's Room
I hope that you don't mind me ranting here. You can reply to my posts of course.
I'm sorry if there's something triggering here.
Welcome to my dairy (or a place where I write down my stuff)
There will be a lot of typos and dramatic stories.
I wanna start of by introducing myself
My name is Luchelle (Fake name) I am 14 years old, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been having suicidal thoughts since little, but I'm okay now. 7 Cups has changed me a lot. I don't know what am I gonna be if I don't found this site.
Tuesday, 14th August 2018
School was less exhausting today. My only friend didn't some to school, but I'm okay with it. I've always been alone with my world. I did some of the mindfulness techniques thingy and it kinda worked to calm me down. My concentration and memory is still as bad. My cruel teacher seems to have a soft spot on me, maybe because I look small and afraid like her as a child? I think she was bullied in her childhood because she emphatize with students who are bullied. I'm thinking of my future and it scares me. I still hate myself though
@Luchelle
maybe its easy for us to tell you to be positive and such.. but i'll tell you something else.. why don't you use your imagination more, the beautiful one of corse.. i for example use it in every single step i take it outside my house.. i imagin myself as a transforming guy to defeat every enemy and to reach my goal for that day.. is my goal to reach the school or to reach the market? or to just finish walking in that street without being hit with cars laser XD.. it will make it fun.. espically when friends are added to my game.. in my case they were fictional but in your case who knows.. :)
@AtomLight
Sounds fun. I do use my imagination, but not on fun things like life is a video game. My imagination is a bit dark and deep and my mind is always crowded with "overthingking" so it's kinda hard to imagine something positive
Thanks for replying!
@Luchelle
of course... but you know it may take some time to convert your imagination especially if you had hard times in the past, but its still possible if you wanna try, and i can help you by giving you somethings to think about. i have pretty interisting things btw my mind is crowded with love that i've been forbaded from in my childhood, i mean.. when my mom and dad devorced i lived with my mom a little bit of time, at that time i wanted to see my daddy the most.. after that i lived the rest of my life with dad and grandpa and grandma, i wanted mom the most.. then dad married and my hope was smashed like the subscribe button of having my beautiful family back... mom then married and look!! i now have tow other families instead of one, but behind the scenes.. there is a hole.. a VERY BIG HOLE of love that haven't been given to me as a child.. that love stayed imaginary in my head and it grew stronger and stronger, and its still going untill now.. how did i have somthing that was not given to me? i honestly don't know but the only thing i know that it exists inside me.. that huge energy wont stay inside ya know.. so i'm giving some to every sad person with a heart.. trying to help.. so please accept me as your friend <3
@AtomLight
I'm really sorry to hear this, you've come through a lot in life. Of course I'll accept you as a friend!! That very big hole in your heart, I hope someone will come around and fill it in you. I have a dad, but it feels like he's just another guy living with me. He doesn't really care about my mental health wellbeing and too focused on his job. So I understand what you're going through, friend. That hole in your heart, that longing to feel loved, I am very familiar with it. It's really nice of you for willing to help people, but don't give them your heart because it is too precious. Protect your heart.
@Luchelle
well, i think its too late not to give my heart heheh.. there was a girl living in another country next to mine and her heart cannot be discribed by words, annnd ya know i gave my heart to her and she gave me her's , so we're connected now without talking, we made a promise not to talk to each other until that day of our marrage.. but i still fell her and i beleive that she's the one who's going to fill up that hole for me
@Luchelle I know the future is scary but I promise you things do get easier as time goes on. Being a teenager is really hard, I know.
@AbejaReina
Thanks for your kind words. I just don't want to waste my life.
@Luchelle The fact that you don't want to waste it means you are going to work hard to make sure that doesn't happen. Shows you care and that means yuo will do well. Remeber that "doing well" is in the eye of the beholder. Do what feels meaningful and "right" to YOU, not to make others happy or to fit some sort of mold, you know?
Best of luck
Wednesday, 15th August 2018
10 AM
I missed school today. My friend said that if I don't go to school today, I'll be punished in front of the whole school during the flag ceremony. This fact is really making me anxious, ugh, my day is ruined. Should I go to school tomorrow? I mean, we're only having events at school that i'm not interested in and I'm sure that I'll get really anxious there.
I really don't want to have a panic attack there.
I hate being alone in crowds and not having a valid purpose there, it makes me feel very lost. Why do I always wake up in a horrible condition? I thought I was gonna sleep well for the night. Well at least I didn't have a nightmare.
I'm having instant spaghetti for breakfast. I don't understand how people can function properly early in the morning without being exhausted, is there some kind of trick or magic?? I can't even breathe properly early in the morning. Why is breathing so hard? It's exhausting as well. Breath in, breathe out, raising, falling, oxygen in, CO2 out. The same pattern repeating until we die.
Thanks @River for helping me through my worst this morning. You really helped me. The anxiety groupchat was out of hand too. Somebody told me to commit suicide there. Ah, good thing I'm emotionally numb right now so it didn't affect me much. . . Did it?
I've been having suicidal thoughts since little and it was not pleasant. The knifes were begging me to stab myself.
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle
oh my God who the heck was that evil person who told you that...?! when you kill yourself you are betraying the gift you were givin by God and the punishment is Hell.. forget about that
i wish i'm just there for you... i wish i can talk to you directly
don't listen to nigative people... when i don't go to school i know for sure that the only thing is gonna happen is me not knowing how to solve problems because i was not there to learn them from the teacher.. otherwise its so stuped to get punished for not going to school that makes no sense at all... what if you felt sick someday.. its okay
you know.. i kinda feeling alone right now... i wish i can get a hug but no one is close enough to my heart... i feel like hugging the wall almost..
breath in breath out... mornings can be tough, espicially when sleeping late like i did yesterday... i'm soooo sleepy right now but really wants to stay a wake .. because i love mornings... almost everything good happense in the morning... you wanna feel better in the morning? i'm ready to chat with you.. writing.. voice.. or even video call... because i want you to be alive and happy... because i know life is not supposed to be this hard.. its only our dissitions that makes things go wrong
consider me as a friend in the next street, so you wont be alone anymore :)
@Luchelle
p.s. its now 6:35 am here
@AtomLight
Thank you very much for your kind replies, it means a lot to me. Well, in my school, it seems like I'm going there just to be absence. We barely learn anything there because the teachers rarely comes to class. Haha 9 hours of school everyday is useless. All I do is suffer there.
It's alright to hug the wall though, you can hug anything as long as it doesn't harm you. I like hugging my bag.
@Luchelle
you're welcome my friend, i kinda felt that kind of schools at some point in my life, but after it all ended, school is just a step, it will go behind you sooner or later so don't worry.
annd i might hug my pillow, the wall is kinda.. you know cold and you can't put your arms around it haha
Helloooo how are you today 😁?
@AtomLight
I'm feeling anxious due to an exam today. Thanks for asking. How about you?
@Luchelle
oh my friend its normal to be a little worried about somethings.. but you can avoid this by thinking.. by thinking that even failurs that happens to us are for a specific reason we don't know YET.. once we know why we failed to achieve these marks in an exam it will make sense to us ^^ it happened to me too
annnd i'm super okay thank you very much for asking
love u
Thursday, 16th August 2018
9 PM
I woke up to another nightmare about me trying to hide a corpse. It was dark and I was riding a motorcycle, carrying a corpse in front of me, I think I was running away from something. It doesn't seem really scary, but the atmosphere in my nightmare was the one who bothered me the most. I took a day off from school today, since they're just doing events and competitions for our country's independence day. There's an informal exam I had to take and oh my gosh it was really hard. I'm not sure if the questions are ridiculously hard or am I the one who keeps forgetting what I learned. Anyways, instead of stressing over the exam, I contemplated my negative and positive traits to major in psychology.
My mom bought me pizza, at least. Oh and, although I'm still 14, I'm starting to learn bits and pieces of psychology, it's veeeeeeery interesting. I feel like psychology is for me. I hope that this is not another phase.
I am really grateful to have my friend beside me, eventhough she's an online firend and often busy. She's really kind and supportive, sometimes I feel bad that for the amount of kind words she gave me. Anyways, since my therapist told me to "Write one thing that I'm prouf of" everyday, I'm gonna write it here. So today I'm proud of letting myself eat pizza. I'm the type of person who "Nah, I don't deserve this, I need to work harder" so I feel kinda proud for rewarding myself a little.
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle
you know my friend.. nightmars are just dreams.. when i have them i feel interisted of them like when i see a horror movie.. then i skip to another thing
but i looooove pizzaaa.. i mean who doesn't heheh.. i once came here to ask about a similar problem i had in me .. its that whenever i try to eat the last piece of food i feel guilty for not letting it for m dad, mom, or even my brothers and sisters... like i feel really bad.. don't i deserve it??
then i learned that i am important too.. i'm VERY important... and so you are my friend.. we deserve something special every single day.. and its good to think of others .. mom dad and not forgetting about them BUT also we don't forget about ourselves right?
We deserve not only pizza.. we deserve The Best pizza out there 😃
Friday, 17th August 2018
7 PM
I went to school today only to participate in a flag ceremony, I'm so glad that they sent us home early because I don't think I can be there any much longer. My mom is being too kind today and it's really suspicious, she bought us (and my siblings) some burgers and ice cream. I hope that my mom doesn't explode with anger tomorrow.
It's really funny isn't it? I laughed at the fact that I feel like I don't deserve support from anybody, yet I still seek for it. I hunt for it like hunters searching for a deer. Perhaps I feel like I don't deserve it because I constantly search fot it? I need to stop. I want to shout out to @PositiveSkyler for patiently listening to my rants, you're such a good listener, Sky, thanks for everything.
I feel a bit scared now, because I'm supposed to take a test online, but I can't register to the site. It says that my code is taken. I can't take the test now. I contacted the Central Service people, no reply. Ah well, I'll just give up on it, it's an informal test anyways.
I took a nap for 3.5 hours, ugh, I woke up feeling like a dying fish. Why do I always feel like this when I wake up? This and the nightmares makes me don't wanna fo to sleep anymore.
What I'm proud of today is I didn't feel very anxious anymore when I'm alone at school, it's decreasing. Maybe it's because that I am aware? Not overthinking much anymore?
I just realised that I lost the person I love. . .
~Luchelle~
Saturday, 18th August 2018
9 PM
Yesterday night was awful, my parents fought hard. Screaming, yelling, door slamming, insults. Oh gosh, will they ever understand how much it affects me?? I was frozen in fear on my bed, pretending to be asleep. I tried to connect to some listeners, but they keep telling me what to do. @PositiveSkyler helped me the most <3.
My parents fights a lot since I was a baby, from little arguements to physical fights. Is this the reason why I flinch when people raise their voices? Is this why my confident is crushed brutally when people simply raise their voice at me? I hate to see them like this. I'm scared that they'll split up. I don't want that to happend, please, don't.
Today was okay, got up, made breakfast on my own, drinked the medicine, watched some youtube videos, played The Sims 4 (My household is full of cats), logged into 7 cups. I realised that I barely talked in real life today (and everyday). I feel mostly meh today and that's good. Today I'm proud of myself for being a bit sociable (in the internet) and helping my friend with her relationship problems.
I see that a lot of people are having problems with this site, especially regarding the listeners. While I agree on the listener part, members really needs to understand that listeners are humans too. Yes they shouldn't have made promises and high hopes, they should've been trained more. At the end, humans always fo that, don't they?
~Luchelle~
@Luchelle
i wish your parents stay together forever for you.. its not a beautiful thing to be apart from one of them.. i know this very well because my parents did it and now i miss my mom.. i miss a pat on my head and a lot of love.. even though i still talk to her on phone and even visit her.. but still
you are very lucky to still have them together.. be proud of that too and thank God for it ^^
keep it up my friend.. we're all trying to keep it up.. so we may help each other
Hello my friend how are you? you havn't post anything in two days i missed you
@AtomLight
Ah, you're so nice :-:
I've been quite busy, but I'll try to post one today.
@Luchelle
i'm looking forward to it ^^
Monday, 20th August 2018
11 PM
Today was okay, but I am exhausted. I was out of my house for 13 hours without rest. I'm too tired to even think. My retarded English teacher was replaced with another teacher so I was less stressed at school. It's strange that I feel exhausted and tense at the same time Lol. I keep forgetting to take breaths. I talked to some online friend, which was nice.
I really don't know what to put in here. My feelings? But I feel numb, I don't have anything to say. Tomorrow is another day. It's okay to discuss my interests here, right? Is it? I really hope that this psychology thing is not another interest phase of mine. I read some psychology stuff and I never find myself this interested in something before. It's like, all my life, I've found the subject I am truly interested in. Is it really is? I've always wanted to be a scientist when I was little, but my dream was crushed by own self many times. I've always been a realist. When I was little, those inventor and scientists in films really piques my interest, I was like "I want to be smart like them too!", then again, I realised "But I am not smart, I can't even count numbers fast".
I really love learning things in a deeper level. I used to observe plants, little bugs, animals on a deep level. Like how they move, their facial expressions, what emotion are they feeling, what are they thinking, can plants think? That sort of questions comes into my mind everyday.
@Luchelle
oh this is so beautiful!! of course you can write anything you think of here.. to be honest i wanted to write a post today but didn't know what to write at all.. i tried though and it wasn't as beautiful as this one..
if you wanted to be a scientist then you should remember that there is a lot of kinds and types of scientists.. so counting numbers fast has nothing to do with it.. if you love phsycology then you can be a phsycologist (a kind of scientists)
i kinda like plants and bugs.. i wondered when i was young whether they dream or not.. but now i feel like i'm more concerned about their feelings as well.. so if i saw a lot of ants gathering food in the middle of the road i walk on my toes carefully to not step on any of them.. plants and espically flowers i love them so much.. i touch them as if patting them and i would be happy to see them blooming
but the thing that i enjoy the most is to get things fixed and working again.. this thing makes me feel like i really did something and i'm not useless
@AtomLight
Thank you very much ;-;
I honestly thought my writing was bad. I'm sure there are a lot of grammar mistakes there either. I would love to see your writing too! Reading other people's life is like reading a story book to me.
Ah, but I need to pass school to be a scientist? So I will have to pass high marks on my math and science, which both I'm bad at. Well, I'm not bad at it, I have a very low concentration and very forgetful, so yeah.
The new me? She's alright, but broken. I broke myself. Now I have to pick up the pieces up again, put them together, and let them heal.
@Luchelle
you're welcome ^^
me too do a lot of mistakes but i use google translation to correct them.. also english isn't my mother language but i'm getting better at it day after day
scince and math.. i'm not the type of person who love these subjects.. but if they are gonna stand against me.. then i think i have to step on their faces and continue on.. thats what i did at school actually.. physics very final exam was such a drag to be honest.. i remember that day.. it was such a very long exam i couldn't even reach final question after 2 hours O_O .. but i maneged to pass somehow..
if you saw one or two subjects standing in your way of becomming a scientist, don't just turn around, punch them in the face ^^
sometimes it would get hard.. i know this because that physics monster attacked me so hard XD.. but every wond can heal with time
i hope for you to heal up your broken pieces very soon.. i've read today something seemed to be true.. that is.. " maybe God turned that hole kn your heart into another eye for you to see more things you couldn't see before " i think this is very like me because right now i know some spical ways to conduct love either than words or even actions... i can do this without doing any thing that can be seen.. i just think about how much do i love the person in front of me while looking into his eyes... or while hugging him.. and that love power is stored for me into that person's heart... he will never forget it
i feel like its a gun of love
Monday, 20th August 2018 (2)
11 PM
What happened to the old me? Where did she go?
Oh wait, I killed her. Okay then. I'll admit that I miss her. Her curiosity, her energetic but shy personality (or maybe anxious?), her smile, her determination, her confidence, her care in others. I admit that I miss it all.
Maybe I am really interested in psychology because I wanted to know "What's wrong with me?". I always feel very different from everyone. No, not the "I love books to much" kind of diferent, nor "I feel everything too deeply" either. I feel and think that I fit in everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. I mean, it's like I am build with every pieces in this world. I change personality (maybe attitude) many times. I am good and bad, I am extroverted and introverted, I am cold hearted and sensitive, I am shy but confident, I am different but same like any other humans, I am lazy and diligent, I am romantic and rigid. Well, you get my point.
Ah, I forgot what I wanted to write again. Why am I so forgetful. Haha, it's strange that I can talk about my inner world for hours (paragraphs) but I can't talk about what happened in school today.
Oh right, psychology. A psychologist does the things like a scientist does, well they are scientists. My mom is yelling me to go to sleep. Sigh
@Luchelle
but what happened to the new you?
if you saw it better to kill her then i guess its better right? afterall no body knows you better than yourself
i didn't quite kill myself.. but he's kinda died on his own and the new me was born at the same time.. one thing didn't change.. that is the childish soul inside me.. i think its what is helping me to ignore what i didn't want to hear.. to forgive who did bad to me.. to cry as if no one is watching.. aaaand to make friends continuously... :D