Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
Will I always have to suffer the consequences of my past, reminders always popping up
@calmLake1999 Hey :)
I think - well I hope anyway - that with time the reminders aren't as painful. They're still there but we can see them without it hurting as much but man it get tiring
Be gentle with yourself Calm and your thoughts
@calmLake1999 You've been in my thoughts lately. You've been quiet - so I hope you don't mind that I popped in to see how you are and little Shadow too - allthough I bet she's probably not too little anymore
Be gentle with yourself Calm and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
hey soul very late reply, I apologise I've had a lot going on and have been managing the best I can. Shadow is doing well and not little at all anymore, she's quite big now but still as loving and caring as ever and mischievous. I don't mind that you've popped in, thank you for thinking of me. I hope you are doing well.
@calmLake1999 Hey no worries and nothing to be sorry for. I hope that things are alittle better for you but I also understand if they're not. Shadow sounds very sweet even if she is growing up :) Mischievous keeps you busy I bet!
Take care of yourself ok?
Hey Calm, great to see ya. I have been missing ya. Hopefully all is trudging toward the greatness that you deserve (I know, i know... u do not believe that u deserve awesomeness... been there and done that but I DO BELIEVE!) keep in touch Miss Roo! Miss ya big time! I am so blessed to have “met” you. U are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya Calm. Keep on rolling to greatness. Cause thats where i believe u ought to be. And i cant wait till u get there *hugs* Was remembering u stealin my chair at the lava fort. I so miss those days. They helped me allot. U are my close friend. I miss ya 🙂
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm :) I'm sorry it's been so long - I wanted to check in with you sooner but tbh - I couldn't find your thread at first and I thought maybe you had it deleted or left. I just wanted to say that you've been in my thoughts and I hope you're doing ok
Be gentle with yourself
@calmLake1999
It's been such a long time since I was last here, but something made me pop on tonight, good way to vent some of my many overwhelming thoughts.. firstly yesterday was my birthday and that in itself has always been a bad day, but more triggering happened, although I believe I am getting much better at managing my reactions now than I used to. My life has been hectic the last couple of months, had to have surgery, have been in an on and off again relationship which I finally broke off after realising it was unhealthy and yay me for putting my boundaries up for once, although possibly a little too strongly, for some reason I reacted quite angrily, I'm gonna have to think on why that happened.. new job, finally out of working in nursing homes and having coworkers that I work alongside of, it became way too triggering to work like that, impacting how I was doing my job, I'm actually really enjoying the work I do now as I feel I am finally able to actually help people, it has its downfalls, like waking at 5am but overall I can finally say I'm really happy with my new job. Post surgery though things have been rougher, I think it was realising I have alot more damage to my body then I thought because I so often avoid having it looked at 😐
I was gonna write more but maybe I'll come back in a few days, there is something good about being able to vent here..
@calmLake1999- Just want to say congratulations for taking care of yourself. Changing jobs, moving on from an unhealthy relationship - those are important self caring moves. Not everyone is as adept to chug along and get on a different path. So good to hear - you have given the rest of us inspiration.
@calmLake1999 Hey you :) Hope you don't mind my dropping in. Its really nice to see you here. Yay you for sticking with your boundaries! And a new job too - That's great! I'm sorry to hear about the surgery though and hope you're ok
I'm really proud of you - all these good things you achieved - go you! ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hey soul, of course I don't mind you dropping in.. how are you doing? Hope your well! I'm sorry for not being around for so long , just had a lot go on and the ex was a bit not liking when I'd go on my phone, so there's that. The surgery was unexpected and shook me up but I'm doing well for now. Boundaries are hard but I managed somehow, and I'm feeling like I'm heading in the right direction at the moment for healing and making my life seem meaningful 😊
@calmLake1999 Hey :) no sorries ok? I'm glad to hear that you're doing well now after surgery. I can understand why it would have shook you. It would have me too
I'm horrible with boundaries. I try to respect others people's but sometimes I forget and say or do something stupid. My own boundaries? Those are harder to keep in place
I think you're definitely headed in the right direction and like @barncat said these are important self care moves and I think that is awesome :)
I find life and relationships very confusing, and complicated. I don't understand why I go back to relationship after knowing it's not good for me, but the back and forward. Although I wonder if it's a bit of loneliness and wanting love, even though I don't fully understand the concept I know I've always wanted to feel wanted or loved since I was young, probs explains why I choose situations that are unhealthy, or bounce back and forth with this one guy I've been seeing for a while. Although I think healthily we have put up better boundaries but I still get some crossed, not to the extent of before with him but it's a bit better. I do still feel on edge alot of the time, but some times I feel very safe with him to the point of actually managing sleep.. just a random get this off my chest post
I found myself doing a lot of reflecting the past few days, post therapy I guess, it's just time to reflect on things. Some involve how I have actually come alot further in life than I had thought possible for myself. I never thought I'd be at the stage in my life where besides the memories and nightmares, I could actually say my life is fairly peaceful, yeah there is moments and I am still very much hypervigilant majority of the time, however I have found a new calm inside of this healing process. As much as I wish it was simple to just move on from things, I know I've had a lot of setbacks along the way, it's not just the childhood stuff I have to recover from, it's the stuff into adulthood and the continuous threats I faced for many years. But somehow I managed to stand up and stop running from the fear of those that were doing me harm. I think that was the first battle one for me ever, I may not always win my battles but that one cleared the way to a slightly better life. There's things even being in a relationship where I see that I am still very much broken and relearning what I should've already known, where boundaries are hard and I find I have to do things because fear gets me, and I wonder if I don't do them, how long til he snaps and takes what he wants. He has shown moments like that, although he apologizes for it afterwards. But life is still a learning process and I have come further than I thought I would ever get. The little girl inside of me is happy because I am now starting to honor that promise I made so so many years ago
@calmLake1999. Hey you :) You popped into my thoughts the other day so I wanted to pop in and see how you're doing ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hey soul, I don't often come on here anymore much busier with work at the moment, just happened to pop on to do an entry here and seen your post. I'm doing sorta ok, just figuring stuff out. Hope your doing well
@calmLake1999 Hey - no worries :) Guess I just got lucky with my timing. Gosh it can be so hard to figure things out and sometimes it seems like it takes forever doesn't it? Try to be patient with yourself - I know that can be hard too. Anyway - I won't make a long post - just wanted you to know you were in someone's thoughts
Take care of you ok? ❤️
Relationships are super hard and confusing, I don't know if it's cause of me or what I've been through but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's hard to guess what my partner is thinking or feeling cause he doesnt communicate which leads me to spiral, and sometimes or more like often especially lately we fight, mostly cause of my emotions, which means I'm apologizing alot.. but it's really hard because I feel like I'm not being heard or appreciated. He's a nice guy though, he doesn't yell or get angry with me and hes not pushy about certain thing anymore... But in saying that he also triggers me sometimes esp if we are in the middle of an argument and he goes quiet and refuses to speak with me, or when he gets a sad look and asks why I'm acting the way I am. I don't know if it's cause we are living together now but I'm feeling like something is lacking and I'm constantly questioning what I say before I say it. I really love him though and for the most part I feel safe and comfortable around him.. I'm just confused
@calmLake1999
Just wanted to say Merry Christmas Calm ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Merry Christmas to you also ❤️
@calmLake1999 Thank you :)