Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
Just on my mind.. how do I go about giving forgiveness for things that are unforgivable? Does it help my healing process or does it just relinquish blame and guilt for all involved.. does forgiving someone mean I am saying it's ok for what has been done to me?
Hello calm. This very thing is really the first thing that i ever talked about here. It was a check in and I myself could not wrap my head around it all. From what I took from that endeavor, was that forgiving someone is not saying that “its all good” or “hey its ok what happened”. It is saying “i will no longer let this evil engulf my every waking moment and i am releasing this to the universe so that i may heal.” If you are spiritual, even remotely, it is placing the burden on God and their final judgement will be up to the almighty. Forgiving them is not something nice that you do for them, forgiveness is all for your forward journey and healing. Forgiving is not making amends. Forgiving is taking back the control that they still have. I hope this helps you. Im not great at these things as you know. *hugs to my dear friend.
@PerfectStorm426
Thank you Storm, that is helpful and I can understand a bit more. I definitely want the control back that they still hold. I'm just trying to find a way to let go of the pain and anger
Just keep telling yourself that you are better than them. Because you are. Its OK to have the pain and the anger. But ya know what else is Ok? Releasing yourself to live the best life that you can. Enjoying the time here on earth that you were given. Smiling real smiles, feeling genuinely good. Forgiving them, is allowing yourself to move on to grow. Forgiving them is allowing your heart to beat freely and to not bear the pain and hurt, but letting it absorb the good things that u may be missing that are passing you by. Basically, forgiving them is not for them. Forgiving them is strictly for you and your life.
@calmLake1999- saw your post about forgiveness. Your questions spurred me to look up different schools of thought about the process of forgiveness. Bless the internet! One therapist who deals with trauma does not use the word forgiveness. Like grief and loss there are many steps in that journey- and your questions are truly valid. Thank you for sharing your questions. And I hope you find glimmers of answers each day. Hugs.
I'm done with it all
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I know that feeling :( been fighting that myself. Would you like to talk about it? No pressure of course
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry but I don't feel like talking about it, not anymore, I'm tired
@calmLake1999 It's ok - you've nothing to be sorry for. Maybe it would be nice to just lay down with little shadow and just enjoy her being close? Stroking her fur and hearing her purr might be soothing and maybe it will be easier to rest
@mytwistedsoul
I could try
@calmLake1999 Sometimes that's the only thing we can do - just try. If it doesn't help and you change your mind and want to talk or just want someone to sit quietly with you - I'll be around ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you soul
@calmLake1999 You're welcome
Try to be gentle with yourself - ok?
Love u Miss Roo. U keep fighting. Don’t give up. Ur too awesome to let the world dictate what u feel like. Stay strong 💪🏼❤️❤️❤️
I have been so tired, of trying and failing, of waking every morning and putting on the facade, of talking, of not being able to just end things once and for all.. every time I try there is something that holds me back and I wonder why must I keep trying just to fail and be stuck in vicious cycles of life?
Life is tough, around every corner is a new or repeated challenge.. confusion about who to trust and who to not, I don't think I can even give my trust at this point but I want to believe that there is something good out there I also don't believe I deserve anything good...
Hi Calm. U are right. Life is tough. Especially for those of us that want to actually live it and embrace it. U see people cruising thru life without a care in the world, well they are either hiding many battles behind a strong face, or they are handed everything and they just are not truly living. Having all the physical things in the world is nothing if u have nothing in your heart. And you my friend- have lots of good things in your heart. So you are further ahead than you realize. Trust is not something that is given. It is something that people must earn. It can even be tainted from time to time due to the trials of life but then they must earn it back, or they may never receive it again. As Wise said, trust takes time. Basically, give an inch and see what u get back. If all they do is take, then you take it all back. U have the control over who to let into your life. Not them. U also have the control to tell them to leave your life too. Hope that helps a bit. Stay strong
And I'm starin' into the void again
No one knows what a mess I'm in
The voices in my head say I'm just being paranoid
But it's bad for my health
How much I hate myself
I suffocate, the weight
It pulls me underneath
Put me out of my misery
My mind feels like an archenemy
Can't look me in the eyes
I don't know what hurts the most
Holding on or letting go
Reliving my memories
And they're killing me one by one
1x1 Bring Me The Horizon
I hate that I'm so fearful. I hate how my fear makes me freeze, why can't I run or fight or do anything other than to shut down and freeze up, I wanred to scream or say something but no my stupid body always made me freeze up instead
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I do it too - Idk how to stop it. For me - its usually with talking - all the words are there - theyre all but screaming to come out but I just go quiet and hope the ground will open up and swallow me so I can disappear
@mytwistedsoul
I hate it, how am I supposed to try and trust people and move on with my life when I can't do anything when I'm scared?
@calmLake1999 Tbh - I wish I knew. I know for me - I want so badly to be able to do things but it feels like - I'm trapped in the past yet. Idk if with time it goes away or get's easier or what. I really wish I did know. Because it often feels like you're missing out on - life. Doesn't it? Missing opportunities - chances. But Idk - when there's years of evidence that say one thing - it's hard to just set that aside - it doesn't just go away. It's hard to trust people fully - I know it is for me anyway - because I've never had anyone I really felt I could trust. And I know it isn't fair to the people who come into my life now and I know it doesn't mean that they can't be trusted but it doesn't just go away and stop being there. It has to be worked through and I guess we just need to be patient with ourselves. I'm sorry I don't have anything good to suggest. Just - try to be patient with yourself - take your time - talk with your therapist - see if between the two of you you can come up with things to help you feel safe while still moving forward
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry about the late reply. It does feel like missing opportunities, but my mind also tells me that it doesn't matter, that I don't deserve anything good anyway. My mind is constantly debating with what I want and telling me I can't have what I want because I don't deserve it.
@calmLake1999 It's ok - this is your space. You can answer when and if you want to
Your mind probably has more bad evidence then good evidence - even the good evidence can often be explained away. It's really hard to hold on to the good stuff. It seems like the bad evidence is the harshest lessons learned - it gets burned into our minds - like graffiti that takes a number of coats of paint to cover - even then it still bleeds through. You do deserve good things though. Do you know one of the first things that come to mind when I think of you? When you talked about learning Spanish so that you could talk with the resident you have that speaks Spanish. So he wouldn't feel so lonely. That says so much about you - it says so much about your heart. You opened your home to a kitten that needed someone to love it. You do deserve good things. Try to remind yourself of the good things that you've done for others - those things are why you deserve good things too. It's good solid - tangible evidence for your mind to see - your hands to touch. I hope this makes alittle sense
Be gentle with yourself Calm
@mytwistedsoul
I don't see that evidence as good evidence though, but more like just going through the motions. The bad evidence is piled up and the good can not overpower it. It just seems like all the bad is what I deserve
@calmLake1999 To me that seems like doing way more then just going through the motions. Going through the motions would be just doing the job you're paid to do. But you saw he was lonely and excluded so you're learning the language he speaks so he doesnt feel excluded and alone. It probably means quite alot to him that you're doing this. Not many people would do that Calm
It's hard to keep the past separate from the present and even harder to see the light of the future. When childhood was nothing but punishment just for simply being alive. When the people who should have cared and loved us didn't - its hard to see that anyone ever could now. Its hard I think for our brains to tell the difference because to alot of us love hurts. Its hard to understand that it isn't supposed to
Gah I wanna scream and hit something. I wanna swear and throw things around. So dang done with freaking everything. What is the point anymore. Why try so hard for nothing? Just a useless piece of trash I am anyways. Just put me on the curb, don't belong anywhere
https://youtu.be/L5uV3gmOH9g - Teardrops - Bring Me The Horizon.
This song is really what I'm vibing
@calmLake1999 This is a good song! I haven't heard this one before - I like it! :)
@mytwistedsoul
its from Bring Me The Horizon new album, there's another one that they do with Amy lee, it's really a good album all up but I have a couple of favs already
@calmLake1999 Cool! I'll have to check it out - thanks!
I'm so cranky with myself, why do I self sabotage and sabotage other things. Why can't I be normal without all these stupid triggers and issues. Any hopes of any sort of relationship in the future is just shot and it's my fault because I can't just get over myself and the intimacy issues, why am I like this
I've been super spacey the last couple of days, not sure why but it's happened.. I tried to go onto the app version of this and got really confused by it.. a new song I've been vibing is take what you want by post malone.. the lyrics is really how I feel..
Onto other random news shadow has been really clingy with me and I'm loving and hating it.. also unsure of where the clinginess came from
@calmLake1999 That's a good song - I'm sorry you're feeling spacy - I'm never sure why either. Kind of like you're here but not here. Like - Idk - your head is disconnected - people talk and you hear the words but you can't make sense of them. Maybe that doesnt make sense either
Maybe Shadow is picking up on some of your feelings. They say animals are sensitive to things like that. I know our dog is like that and while it's nice she wants to be close - she gets underfoot alot. But she can tell if I have a headache it seems or if I'm not feeling well and she just wants to be close
Take care of yourself Calm
