Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
Friday night brought many triggers and overwhelming emotions. I got a call I never in a million years would've expected, and I got put in a position where I needed to be a safe person and adult. This is super confusing and overwhelming to write this but I think I need still to process the events of that night. Normally I never answer numbers I don't know and I will never understand how my number got connected to this. I got called to go to the police station to pick up my two nieces, two last I knew I only had 1 niece but now I have two.. anyways it seems my sister I haven't spoken with in years had gotten herself into trouble and my niece's needed somewhere to go for the night. And besides it being a shock to the system, overwhelming and frightening to be even put in the position to being somewhat connected with my family in anyways, this overwhelming need to protect two children, one of whom I had a very close bond with before I went no contact, over rode every fear within my body. I had to drive 2 hours at night to a place I'd not driven to before through my the suburb I grew up in, I don't know how I made the drive nor whether I was fully aware during the drive up there or the drive back. I was overwhelmed with how quickly and easily the two girls wanted to come with me, one of which has never met me before but clung to me like a baby koala and the other one asking me a million and one questions until she fell asleep in the car home..
I'm still trying to process what this all will mean for my life now. The two nieces have gone back into my sister's care but I worry for them. I refused contact with my sister at the town I live in right now and took the girls back to outside of the police station for her to pick up, I exchanged barely anything towards her. Since then I haven't slept well with overwhelming memories and fears surfacing in my mind. I self cared my account because I became so overwhelmed and had to somehow be an adult long enough to care for young children. I fear this has repercussions and I query how and why the police contacted me.
I've been in and out of dissociation while I've been trying to get through the day, I spoke with my therapist and she helped me manage it a little.
Also, please no replies to this part, I just need to get it out. I feel a little frustrated and upset when people use a part of gratitude as "do you have a roof over your head", I can understand why that should be something one should be grateful for however, just because you have a roof over your head does not mean one is safe. Sometimes that is the bare and only necessity in life one is given while everything else that is a human's basic right is stripped back until the person no longer feels as though they deserve anything and that roof over their head becomes a cage in which they struggle super hard to get out of. I am not trying to be mean or have a go at anyone. It is a great gratitude thing for some people to have but some others may also have seen that saying as a cruel play on words. It's a trigger point for me I guess. As a child my mother would say that at least she provided me and my sisters with a roof over our heads and a bed to sleep in. And I would believe that was all I deserved, any bad that happened under that roof was my fault..
Really not trying to be mean or anything just set something off within me. I apologize if this upsets anyone
My head and my heart are in battle mode right now and it's exhausting
@calmLake1999- sending you hugs and love. It makes me embarrassed and humble when I read about your life. How I feel sorry for myself when others have challenges I cant even imagine. I hope today finds you in a better place. Please know we care about you.
@barncat
Thank you for the love and hugs, I appreciate it ❤️
I do not like to compare my life to others and people have different difficulties in life, I do not think one person's pain is more or less than others.. what matters is continuing to try and work through it, trying to make sense of the craziness and trying to put compassion and kindness into the world. Hope you are well and thank you for being kind ❤️
@calmLake1999- such wise and inspiring words. Each of our lives are unique- as individual as our own DNA. THank you for this reminder. To not compare our struggles with others- but to show love towards our fellow man. Even those whom we have differences of beliefs. Each day is an opportunity to grow. May this be a peaceful day for you.
This time of year always hits hardest, moreso after the last couple of weeks. I've been so busy lately, picking up extra shifts where I can and focusing on my studies but it's hard to switch off that part of my brain that is worrying and stressed that life is just continuing to repeat cycles. I am slightly doing better although I believe it is the medication I just started on, I dislike how it makes me hazy and a bit air headish, but at the same time it's keeping my anxiety at bay so that I'm able to do my job better, that's a plus and unfortunately I've been sleeping longer. It just sucks because with it now once I'm asleep I don't wake for a couple of hours and it makes me panic when I wake because anything can happen when you are asleep, I don't know if those fears will ever go away..
On another note shadow is growing really quickly and more mischievous than ever, although she has a new habit of finding little boxes to sleep in which is really cute.. she's becoming to big for most of the boxes I have lying around but still fits herself into them 😂
Anyways midnight ramblings here, but sending love and hugs to the wonderful people I have met here ❤️ you have all changed my life for the better in little or big ways, just being accepted for being me, the good, bad and ugly is a beautiful thing and I am not sure where I would be if I hadn't made some connections with people here ❤️❤️
@nonethewiser
Hey Wize, I'm sorry to tag you here, just wanted to check in to see how you are doing, offering safe hugs and love if you would like them ❤️
Happy New Year to all the amazing friends I have here. I hope the new year brings peace and happiness for all ❤️❤️❤️❤️ lots of love and hugs
@calmLake1999 hugs back! 2021 comin soon future girl!!! Lol
@PerfectStorm426 (meaning u are from the future... i know ur a girl right now lmao)
Feeling overly emotional, did some reflecting today and realised how stressful and sad my life has been.. I dunno how I've managed to keep going through it all and stay standing, some days I feel like crawling instead of walking but I continue on. I'm grateful to the good people I've had in my life and how they have shown my kindness when I hadn't met kindness before
I literally can't with life anymore
@calmLake1999- I hear you- some days it is so hard to fall out of bed- then want to crawl back in- pull the covers over my head and imagine waking up to a new situation. Sorry to hear you are having such ongoing turmoil. If my magic wand was active I would spread lots of life changing wishes across our 7 cups brothers and sisters. Take care.
Hate running into people, old fears brought up, memories running rampant struggling to breathe.. not sleeping
I've had a surprising good last couple of days, I'm finally fully licenced which is a plus and I'm so happy about because I was always told not to bother getting my licence to begin with but now I'm fully licenced and nothing can stop me now lol 😁😁
Also spent the day at the beach in the water, despite it being extremely hot and now suffering from some intense sunburn I still say it was worth it, I haven't spent time in nature like that for a long time and I feel refreshed from being in the salt water.. if I'm lucky I might even sleep well tonight 😁
@calmLake1999 Congratulations Calm! I'm so happy for you!
It sounds like a wonderful day! It was nice to imagine the warm weather you're enjoying - especially since its winter here lol
You're awesome! Congratulations again!
Way to go, girl!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Proud of you!