Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
Fear, frustration and apathy.. kinda just wishing it over now
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
@calmLake1999- sending you fresh air and a big hug.
Slowly starting to feel better, although haven't caught up on much sleep I'm starting to calm down from where I was at before. Taking things slow as I feel as though I've gone a hundred steps backwards. One day at a time I guess
@calmLake1999 Good to hear you are feeling better. I used to always say that it seems I have taken 100 steps backwards too. I always said it meaning I am so far behind now that getting even back to where I was, was seemingly impossible. Now I realize the goal is not to get back to where I was. If I take 100 steps backwards enough, and have the same path/steps ahead of me, then I have the chance to charter familiar territory and choose the path less traveled. Rest, take in the scenery, and choose a different path :)
Questions I'm reflecting on within myself at this moment. I've been withdrawn from my therapist the last 2 weeks and I'm wondering if it's a meaning that I'm done with healing or done with trying. The healing process is challenging with constant setbacks.
So questions I'm asking myself are.. what is my purpose in life? Why do I fight to keep going? Why do I try do hard to be nice and kind to all that I meet when it was never modelled to me? If people were to feedback to me would they see me in a light similar to how I see myself or would it differ greatly? Why can I not accept myself for who I am?
Feelings of floating, distant, not connected, not belonging.. so so easy it would be to end it but hanging on for some unknown reason, don't feel like hanging on, as it wouldn't even matter in the world. It would cause no ripple effect. It would go unnoticed. Don't think anyone would stop to mourn or be sad, how could anyone be sad when no impact was ever made. Lonely very lonely feeling. Suffocating in the darkness alone as always
@calmLake1999 I'm right here with you Calm. I would be sad and I would mourn the loss of you - deeply. I'm certain Wise and Storm would too. It would cause a lasting and profound impact on all of us. We hold a light for you. We see you - even in your darkest times - we see the beauty that is you
@calmLake1999 i understand and I am so sorry you suffer with these emotions as well. I am hoping you hold on . Cling tight and continue the fight agaisn't feeling this way. There are so many that also walk this path that are silently sending energy across the web for you to hang in there. Sometimes it is just by moments we can push through. Find some moments no matter how difficult to help you cling to the hope it will get better.
I want to apologize for my very low and dark post last night. I had a moment where I just lost it and began feeling so alone and like it wouldn't even matter. I have made connections with people here and I never want to cause any harm or pain to anyone, I'm so so sorry for my words and thank everyone who has been there for me
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - we all have moments like that I think. Moments where we lose ourselves to the darkness we feel - it just means that we're human - that we're hurting. Those connections don't go away - even if we're at our darkest - the dark just makes it harder for us to see them - sometimes it just takes alittle time for the light to shine through again
Day after day the darkness lingers, old thought patterns re emerge. Old voices inside my head, reminding me I am worthless and always alone. I try hard to fight the voices, to ignore the thoughts, but it's an excruciatingly tiring battle. Longing and yearning for the peace and quiet I never ever find. Wanting and hoping to find a little light that brings me closer to the edge. Feels as though I am trapped in a dark room where the air becomes heavier and thicker. There are people standing in the corners, although I can not see them, I hear them constantly laughing at my pain and fear, repeating constant words that are making the fight harder to bare. Just one more day, one more moment.
Realising how empty my cup is, yet I keep trying and trying to do everything, keep giving from an empty cup and there's nothing left. I think I need to stop isolating myself from everyone, it's a cycle of dark despair and putting up the facade when I'm around people. It's a dark and lonely path while I've chosen to avoid, esp avoiding the people who actually care. 😔 I'm putting myself in a dark and dangerous cycle but I don't know how to stop this cycle
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm :) this is a good first step I think. It can be so easy to hide ourselves away can't it? The isolating is easy - too easy actually. The hard part is stepping away from it. Its so hard to show our vulnerability - our pain and our fear - even among the people who care for us. I guess maybe its that we want them to see that we're strong. It's ok to show weakness though - the ones who care won't take advantage of it and it takes alot of courage to admit it
Shadow is getting big! She is so cute! :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hey soul, it is too easy to hide and isolate but coming out of it, I don't feel like I can. I've made some terrible mistakes for myself while isolating but I guess that's the darker side of me thinking I deserve that. I have a lot of pain and numbness they keep vying for which will be more predominant. At the moment I'd say the numbness is the most overwhelming today.
Shadow is getting so big, I wish she'd stay little but they grow up fast, she's become very intuitive, knowing when I'm sad and giving me snuggly little hugs
@calmLake1999 She sounds like a really great companion :)
We all make mistakes. Sometimes we make the same ones over. It doesn't mean we aren't learning a lesson from it
It is hard to step out of that isolation. Especially when the darkness is whispering in your ear all its little lies. It helps us to convince ourselves that we deserve so much worse
Sometimes numb can be good - like an emotional emergency shut off. I'm finding that sometimes I can use that numbness to look at things differently - its not as easy as you'd think it would be. It just gives Idk - a different perspective sometimes. Allmost like looking at things through a veil comes to mind. The images are there but not as sharp edged
Maybe you could post alittle something here every day - a picture or a quote - something to help draw yourself out alittle :)
@mytwistedsoul
Yeah I do think the numb comes in to stop the overwhelming of my emotions, it helps me make it through the days a little more without wanting to stop things. But I find when I'm numb I make worse decisions because I find it hard to care about any of the consequences that may come along.
That's a good idea, thank you soul, I'll try and post a little to help me come out of the isolation
Randomly playing with shadow and enjoying cuddles although she deciding to cuddle, lick and then surprise attack lol.right now she is trying to nudge my hands off my phone hehe, she's cute and cheeky, and my little protector, was having dark thoughts until she pounced on me and started purring
Sheer exhaustion has hit like a brick, can't concentrate on anything and can't get out of my brain either, dark thoughts and ideas. Shadow keeping me sort of out of my head. Been crying lots not sure what is happening
I wanna swear so badly right now!! Got a call I didn't expect tonight and now my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing.
What happened? Are you okay now? You deleted your account...
@inventiveWest3210
Hi, I'm not ok now, I'm gonna post something in a moment to let my thoughts out a little but it may not make sense as some things I feel need more privacy than others. I self cared my account because I needed to step back and focus on what was happening offline to gain some clarity. Thank you for posting