Last start over
This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her.
My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time.
I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse.
I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
I was just reflecting back on my time here in 7cups, I really miss the friendships that I had built here some days as I sometimes feel as though I lost alot of the connections I made. I feel as though in some ways I've grown but other ways I haven't.. I am grateful I found this place but I wonder if it is where I am meant to be? I guess that's the feeling of not belonging creeping up on me again. I've never been good at maintaining friendships, I see myself often as too much to handle but that also comes from childhood so I guess that makes sense. I think if it wasn't for the people I have met here there is a lot in my life that wouldn't have changed, but I did dissapear for a long time too from here, and I wonder what happened to the playful me in that time. I wish that I could get back to that, I still have a lot of growing to do but I need to connect more to my playful side also.
I just want to put out there how grateful I am for everyone (most everyone) I have met here, the insights and support and friendship I found here has helped me through dark days, sad days and days where I felt insignificant.. there is a special place in my heart for those I connected with.. I hope for the very best for those amazing people. It inspires me how supportive and kind others can be even when they have alot of pain themselves, and I can only hope that I grow more as a person and am able to give back the kindness and compassion I have come across..
My reflections have also realised that a lot has happened in the past couple of years that sabotaged my healing journey, so I need to try and be more patient with myself and let myself have days where I am sad..
Too much pondering at this time of night lol
@calmLake1999 Hey you - I relate to alot of what you wrote here. I think of some of the first people I met here and how they have moved on. I miss them too - Idk maybe that's how things are supposed to work. Some people just come into our lives just for alittle before they move on
I think sometimes the playfulness comes and goes. I know when I first started here I thought we had to be serious all the - so if I goofed around I thought we'd get into trouble lol
Not belonging - yeah - I get that. I feel like that alot lately tbh. Anxiety says I'm not good enough and depression says I'm not worth it. Or - Idk sometimes it feels as though I'm missing my humanity. Like the darkness calls and here is light - maybe that sounds weird. My heads alittle weird right now - lol. I hope you'll forgive me. You do have a place here though and people would miss you - I would miss you. But I do understand that at some point we'll all grow enough to move beyond here. I'm just figuring out how friendships work myself - any relationship tbh - I don't know much beyond the walls of the house and the mountain its on
I've been wanting to ask how your kitten is? Probably growing like a weed I bet :)
I hope you were able get some rest
@mytwistedsoul
My kitten is growing like crazy and she's so cheeky, she likes to play at midnight.
People do move on, and it is a good thing but it's also hard. When I first started writing on here I didn't think I'd make connections like I did. Now I'm really grateful for the connections I have made, as I've learned more about myself and others, learnt that people aren't like the ones I grew up surrounded by.
I'm sorry you have been feeling that way, I'm sitting with you. There is nothing worse than feeling like you don't belong, it's a very isolating feeling, you can be surrounded by a group of people and feel as though your invisible, I feel that way sometimes.. but here we see you and value you for you. You do belong here as you give so much insight and compassion, and even if you didn't you would still be an awesome person. I hope you find the light that you shine soon enough
@calmLake1999 She sounds really sweet though :) I'm glad you gave her a home - you have a really good heart Calm - I hope you see that
It was kind of a surprise for me too - to make the connections I did here. I'm really glad I met you. Sometimes - Idk - I told someone yesterday I'd like to be invisible - I'm not sure why though. Thank you for being you and for your kindness. I think you're pretty awesome too
@calmLake1999- I understand some of what you are exploring- how each of you has helped me through my journey. Often I find what gives me courage is reading about others struggles- wanting to say some kind words- showing support. Hearing the life situations I have never had to face makes me humble and feel that my problems are tiny. I thank you for sharing your journal with us- and bow my head in thankfulness for the many wonderful members. We all matter in this world- each of us daily. Hugs to you.
I am so exhausted, my body has had enough as has my mind. I don't know how to keep trying, I want to sleep but my mind won't turn off at all.. it's racing so bad right now, bad thoughts all telling me how useless and worthless I am. I don't know how to stop it, spiralling hard right now
@calmLake1999 I hope that you can find something to help calm your thoughts. You aren't useless or worthless Calm - You have a good heart and are a good soul - I think of the people you work with - learning spanish so that you can keep company with the person who has noone else to talk with. I think of the kitten you opened your heart and your home to - those are the actions of a good person. I don't mean to invalidate your feelings and thoughts - just - these are things that I've noticed and is shows me you're a good person
I know I've mentioned it before - but sometimes the blowing up balloons can help calm the thoughts - it give something else to focus our attention on and can help relax enough to get some sleep - not allways - so don't feel bad or worse if it doesn't help
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, I wasn't in a good space to reply earlier. I think I'll try the balloon thing because my thoughts have been continuing to race and spiral. I don't see my actions as good more things that should be done, I dunno.
@calmLake1999 It's ok Calm - there's never any pressure to reply. We're all works in progress - ya know? Some days good - some days bad - some days are just absolute sh*t. I know that's probably not very helpful - I just understand. We'll be here for you for all of those days. I hope you can calm your mind enough to get some rest
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Memories have been overtaking all day, don't know how to escape them, the exhaustion makes things worse I know but how can I sleep when I know the memories will be in my dreams. I don't want to sleep and see it anymore
I'm surprised that my body just shut down today, I have a migraine and feeling nauseous but I've been sleeping so catching up on what I need I guess. Maybe complete exhaustion is why my migraines become so bad. One day soon I'm hoping that I can have some sort of normality when it comes to my sleep pattern but it's hard to undo all the habits and fears from childhood.
Hoping it doesn't last long this time as I have an assessment I want to try and work on but thinking of even attempting to get out of bed is too much effort
I'm feeling more lively today/tonight. Guess I got much needed rest and my mind is feeling sort of happy with that. I spent a tone of time playing/stirring my kitten but she loved it, she is growing so much now and is so in tune with my emotions. I'm very grateful to have her as she gives me a purpose to get up in the morning, plus she purrs so much and is so cuddly sometimes, though on her terms which is cute.
I think I need to try more and give more, I've been hiding a lot within myself and isolating to a degree, just focussing on work and my studies but I want to start trying a little harder
Please no more of the s***, I'm so freaking done. I can't deal with no more, just please need it all to stop now
Breathe & focus-not on the bad memories, but the fact that you survived them. YOU made it & you need to realize that & not give them control over your thoughts. I know that's easier said than done, but focus on the you that was strong enough to get away & fight for the life you want & deserve. Meditation is great, but you have to be able to not focus on the bad memories...build some new ones or focus on the positive. You can do this-you already have....remind yourself of that!
Feeling energized today, made a drastic change, cut and coloured my hair to way darker. Now I feel different. I'm no longer that person my ex used, hurt and made to feel worthless. I'll never be that person again. Hopefully with this shift in my thinking I'll be the person I've always wanted to be. No more vulnerable and no more being hurt.
The past 24 hrs have been awful. I've been struggling with my health as it took a quick turn, spent hours in the hospital where I was left in a waiting room full of people that set my anxiety soaring, not a good idea when my health was already declining rapidly. Ended up discharging myself against medical advice as I felt not seen or heard and struggled through the night and most of the day until I could see my doctor today. Still feeling really ill but grateful for my doctor who showed care and understanding. Also grateful that my work let me take leave on short notice. Mental health wise still reeling from being treated dismissively in the hospital and working on trying to keep myself calm so I don't decline any further than I am already. Also haven't slept in the last two nights as I'm more scared to fall asleep as I can't manage my health when I'm asleep. 😔😔 Just feeling really scared and anxious
Have managed to get 2 hours over the past couple of days which is not boring well for my mental health. I have been a mix of emotional, moody and frustrated today. My whole body is physically exhausted but I just can't switch off which I think is also the from the medication to treat my asthma that isn't improving at all. My breathing is so bad which sometimes can't tell if it's the anxiety or not. It's improved slightly but not enough for me to want to sleep.. I've spent the last 2 hours pacing and sitting because pacing is not helping. Can't do meditation because I freak out by not being able to do the deep breathing. Really I'm kinda a mess
