In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

@mytwistedsoul

What you've shared makes total sense to me and feels understandable.
1) You invite people in because of feeling like confrontation isn't going to work out well and people are going to not respect your request, they'll be hurt or offended, or it'll create some kind of mess that feels really unpleasant.
2) Once they're there and you feel (even more strongly) that you don't want them there, you feel like you still can't push them away... for all of the same reasons as above, plus a feeling of hypocrisy/contradiction for asking them to go after you invited them in the first place (even if maybe that invitation was insincere or given under duress).

I don't feel like it's cowardly to not want to get into big, messy, painful, anxiety-inducing fights with people. I'd see it as prudence, kindness, respect, and a sort of expression of self-compassion. If confrontations are really painful for you, then it would make sense to not put yourself through that if it feels like there's an alternative that is less painful (i.e. putting up with whatever it is).

***

I can't really speak for anyone else, but my boundaries started developing as a result of people getting under my skin to such a strong degree that it felt more painful to endure it than to finally confront them and tell them to f*** off. :) I kind of snapped and pushed *everyone* away.

I didn't know that I was doing anything specific like "establishing boundaries" or "being assertive" or anything like that. I just knew I hated what I was experiencing, I hated other people for making me feel how I was feeling, and I desperately wanted it to go away. So I did whatever I could to achieve that result.

It was a very impulsive thing for me where I really felt like I was completely violating my own values and being abrasive, mean, and cruel. (Whether or not that was objectively the case, that was how it felt like to me.) I really disliked myself for doing this. It was completely at odds with how I usually was. I saw myself as someone compassionate, and here I was being something almost exactly opposite and completely selfish. At the same time though... in that situation, it felt absolutely necessary and like I couldn't act otherwise without continuing to suffer tremendously.

I found myself needing a way of making sense of all of these actions that I was doing that completely went against what I thought I believed in. It was like... something had happened that my existing values weren't able to explain or justify. So, I developed a new, parallel set of values that now co-exists alongside my old/original values.

The new value system I arrived at says that there are certain basic things I'm obligated to do, but as long as I do those things, I'm not doing anything wrong. If someone expects more of me and they're disappointed, that's ultimately their fault because they're imposing an expectation on me that they don't have a right to impose. In the final analysis, they're trying to take something that doesn't belong to them. My freedom belongs to me, and that's what they're trying to take.

They might as well be stealing my watch and saying, "But it was a really nice watch and I wanted it" or "But I desperately needed a watch". The crucial/critical thing for me is... that watch belongs to me and you don't have a right to it regardless of how much you want it, how happy it makes you, or how much of your suffering it alleviates. It's my choice whether or not to give it to you. If I do give it to you, it's an act of kindness/charity on my part that I'm performing voluntarily. My stuff belongs to me. Generosity is praiseworthy and noble, but it's not obligated. I have a right to say no to things. That's what it means for my relationships to be consensual. Anything outside of that is a slippery slope where someone can ultimately ask *anything* from me and claim that it's morally justified as long as it helps them more than it hurts me. Which in my experience is wrong because it leads to results that are unlivable.

The compromise I make in return for being stingy is that I'll affirm just as strongly that I don't have a right to take anything from *you* without your permission or full consent/approval. And if you say no or tell me to go away, then I also have to honor that as you asserting your basic rights. The core obligation is "don't get in my way and I won't get in your way." It goes in both directions. If someone violates my rules repeatedly and refuses to correct their behavior despite prompting and clarification, then I have to be willing to let that relationship collapse, and I'd consider myself to be better off for having gotten rid of someone like that.

In reality, I'm rarely so direct, hardcore, ruthless, sharp, callous, etc. There are obviously much more tactful and gentle ways of expressing all of this. And there is a lot of bending, negotiating, and forgiveness. And I'm rarely clear about what my boundaries are until they're broken (because it puts people on edge and tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy sometimes). And it's balanced out by my original set of values existing in parallel, which tends to emphasize compassion, empathy, sensitivity, helping people, etc. I very often capitulate just because I find it to be less hassle, but that's fine because I have the right/freedom to do that too if I want to. It's just that if I really do feel someone is taking advantage of me, what I've described above is sort of the pure ethical framework that I would identify with to justify having boundaries and enforcing them.

I feel like the underlying values are more fundamental or central to my understanding of boundaries than any particular outward behavioral action that I apply in order to enforce boundaries. If I really deeply/truly believe I have boundaries, then I'm going to naturally/spontaneously do whatever I feel is necessary to enforce them. And then it's going to flow out of me in a way that's naturally congruent with my social style... rather than feeling like I'm pressuring myself to be confrontational in a way that's unnatural or forced.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey, I'm sorry your feeling anxious, I can sit here with you for a little while if you like? It can be scary starting a diary that anyone can read and comment on but I think it shows your strength for starting one up. I'm sorry for just popping in, I just wanted to let you know I think your an amazing and caring person.

@mytwistedsoul if this hasn’t been put to music yet it should be. It would make a great rock song.

@mytwistedsoul

A Jacob Lee night - Ghost - Conscience - Artistry - Cursed - Zen