Hey again

@lavandermonkey

hiiiii

@tommy

I would like to edit my original post. I would like to ask if this could remain a space for specifically the people I have tagged.

@AvyIsKing

Hey hey hey hey hey hey bestie I got my computer now. Do you wanna do matching pfps. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yaaaaaay

I might be extra hyper rn and idek why. I had it back yesterday but rn I'm typing this with a giddiness that I can't properly convey online

@Iamspoons

sureeeeeeee sorry ive been in crisis

@AvyIsKing

Oh gooshness. Are you doing ok ish now? Sending so many hugs *if wanted*

And I don't want to yk appear to make it about me and not care about you, but if it would help you I've got a couple stories about today if you want to, like, distract yourself.

@Iamspoons

*hugs* today was gonna be it but I never got to say bye to my one friend...

Stories are always loved

@AvyIsKing

Omg that sounds absolutely devastating. I honestly have no idea how I would respond to something like that. Take all the time you need.

@Iamspoons

I'm ok ish now

tell me stories i wanna hear about ur day

@AvyIsKing

I was, it just took me like half an hour to write them down.

@AvyIsKing

So I have several stories I'll start with the ones I remember first and go from there.

So last night was the first time I had had access to utube in a while and I just, kinda sorta ... stayed up till like 2. I almost fell asleep in multiple classes. Lol

My family went out for dinner tonight and the tables were a little crowded so a guy bumped into the back of my chair with his and said "sorry sir". Eeeeeeee sir. I mean that was his default tho cuz he did the same to the waiter later. And he only saw the back of me. I wasn't binding, probably wouldn't have made a difference, and had my hair braided so you could see the undercut. And on some of the filters my friends like to mess around with on, one of the social medias idk, and one of them was like give you a beard, and I looked so masc, one was anime and it constantly made me boyish, the anime is what i want to look like irl. Umm so the point of that run-on sentence was that my face shape is apparently masc, the glasses I have RN are probably helping with that.

The point of that ramble is sir = yes.

And then we went out to get Italian ice right after. I usually get one of the ones that mixes the ice cream and flavored ice, and I usually get chocolate cream with whatever fruity one strikes my fancy. This time someone, my mom or the young lady in the window, makes a mistake and mine is vanilla instead. vanilla sucks. Mom comes over and says idk who made the mis hear or mis speak but it's vanilla. Do you want me to go back and get you one with chocolate?" And I'm like "... no it's ok, I'll have vanilla". Bad Choice. I should have said yes please, but I didn't because I'm a people pleaser. Got it from my mom *finger guns*. Lol

Ummmmmmmmm. I'm making a mug in art class and I need to use the roller but there are so many people there that there's no space for me. And I go to wait next to the table and waited for like the next three turns cuz I'm a pushover, see paragraph above, which sucks cuz then class is over and I didn't get to do the thing I needed to do. Arrrrg.

I'm gonna make this mug in honor of you cuz I can't physically send it to you. What colors do you want it? I mean yellow would be a predictable choice, but maybe you want me to do something for your friend?

I think that's it for rn. Ily

@AvyIsKing

Hey, how are you doing? I was worried I might've missed your reply because I fell asleep almost right after I posted those stories and only woke up like an hour ago, but you haven't replied. Are you ok?

@SneakySnakeBoi said they'll be on later, if that helps. She said she wanted me to check on you again.

@Iamspoons

Hey. Sorry I've been cleaning my room all day. I'm really really not okay and I'm in a really really dark and bad place rn and I kinda just wanna be alone so I've like abandoned my phone. I'm just done with everything. Yellow is great.

@Iamspoons

I love you

I love you too, I love you so freaking much ydek.

You're not allowed to die, you need to make sure I post the thing, and you need to see the thing I need to post.

***. I'm so sorry I didn't see this earlier, I might've been more help then. Now all I can do is yell at you to not do something that you've probably already done.

***

@AvyIsKing@AvyIsKing

@Iamspoons

im not dead

only because idk anatomy

@AvyIsKing

Omg. I'm so glad you aren't dead. I'm still shaking but I think that might stop soon.

Don't you ever do that again. *** that was the scariest *** thing.

@Iamspoons

im really *** sorry.....

To be completely transparent I did try and I did like plan on going through with it.

My plan wasn't to scare you and for that I'm sorry

@AvyIsKing

No, you absolutely shouldn't be sorry. I know what it's like to be on your side of this event. And I know I will probably never be able to know exactly how hard it is for you. I'm just really glad you didn't leave us wondering like I left people wondering when I tried.

I'm just really happy you're still here texting me and not dead.

Come have a sleep over with me in the rainbow room?

_@iamspoons

ok warning tho im a mess

@iamspoons

So I'm still a friggin mess.

Mad at myself for last night.

And it hurts.

And I flicked up my back doing gymnastics

And my friends mom sucks and I'm just like

*ugh*

@AvyIsKing

Sorry I didn't see this earlier, been doing chores

It's only natural to be a mess over what's been happening these past few days, id be more concerned if you weren't. I hope your body stops hurting so much soon, it's not fun to hurt physically as well as mentally.

*** I gtg have dinner, I don't want to do that. It's gyros they're icky. And also my spot at the table is in the process of getting clean which means it had to get worse first, so I have absolutely no space.

@Iamspoons

Oh no :<

I wish I wasn't a mess, after today I need to be back to normal. No more disaster avy. I need to be normal

@AvyIsKing

Nuuu sorry, my phone was confiscated.

You don't have to be anything. You are allowed to be absolutely *** devastated.

Ily please stay safe.

@Iamspoons

goooooooooooooooood morning!

@AvyIsKing

Good morning, my body has decided to curse me. Lol

@iamspoons

lol how?

i had some weird dreams last night, but im in a good mood!

made hot chocolate and a banana

@AvyIsKing

Lol you made a banana. But tdh I'm glad you ate this morning, I haven't eaten yet. I will in like half an hour tho don't get mad at me for not eating.

What kind of dreams, I hope not nightmares.

Also just in the normal monthly way.

@Iamspoons

e a t

n o w

i made a banana yes :0

idk why the pen pineapple apple pen song came to mind

i had to eat cause meds

my moms mad at me for no reason

and idk just weird dreams

@AvyIsKing

I'm in school, my lunch time is next period. I can't "e a t n o w"

Mhm, it doesn't really matter why you ate so long as u did.

Math is kicking my *** *** . I hate algebra. Why can't I just take geometry again, I liked geo. *** cramps and gym at *** 8:30 in the *** morning.

Also I have the humor of a *** 15 year boy, cuz the boys in my homeroom are *** goofballs and I'm laughing, and I don't want to laugh at them. So I try to just turn off emotions but that didn't work. Lol "are you a *** camel with that hunch in your back"

@Iamspoons

lets trade. i loved algebra but geometry is kicking my butt and chemistry was hard af and if i don't get all the questions right im grounded

soooooo

imma be grounded i guess TvT

my mom is like oh ur grades are slipping

i went from getting a 240% on my chem assignments to a 160% (extra credit work through the program i don't need to do) and i need to get all the questions right on the math application (quiz) i do everyday

its just a lot of pressure

@AvyIsKing

Oooo yes lets trade. I haven't had chem yet.

Do you want to hear something embarrassing. I forgot we have a period between 7 and 8 because yk 7 to 8 is the logical progression but nooooo we gotta make it complicated. So I went right to 8th and kinda stood there like "I think I'm in the wrong class" and the teacher was like "yea period 7.5 (it's called wsh, for warrior [our school mascot] study hall)" and I was like "ohhhh ***"

@iamspoons

Thats just weird 😭

@AvyIsKing

Hey, sorry. I was hanging with my family. 😑

I just experienced gender disphoria. My mom said "I have to drive the girls Wednesday" referring to me and the person I go to epac with(idk if I gave her a name). And I felt sad. Like wtf.

@Iamspoons

Ew

I gave myself a black eye

@AvyIsKing

Oh nuuuuu. Why? How?

I was feeling male for a bit but now I'm back to being gender apathetic.

Also I just wrote a severely angsty bit of just rant. And then posted it. On Ao3. Idk if you know what my user is. But if you want, you can try to find it and read it. There are lots of things that could be triggering tho, keep that in mind. And just before you get concerned, I am in a completely safe mindset now.

Ily

@AvyIsKing

Woooooo. My head is doing the swervies, one minute I'm fine, on top of the world then I feel like ***. Argggh

School sucks, my hardest classes assigned homework on the same day, I literally cried over both of them.

@Iamspoons

damn

sorry i just woke up ive been getting these horrible dizzy spells randomly

@iamspoons

im really tired and im sick of waking up dizzy and this past week has drained me in ways i cannot explain and yesterday was a poop day for me just like trigger wise and crap and like i just wanna loaf in bed

but noooo gotta be happy gotta be cheery gotta be the bubbly *** nevaeh i don't wanna be right now, i wanna loaf and be frustrated and angry but if i feel anything but joy they pump me full of more drugs and i don't want that.

imma skip them again, use the clarity to think my way through some stuff.

@AvyIsKing

Oh I'm really sorry you're getting dizzy spells, that feeling really sucks.

It *** sucks that you had a triggering day yesterday.

I understand the feeling of just wanting to be in bed, like completely messed up, but having to get up and put on a *** happy face. It's really draining.

It can be really harmful to skip meds, but one or two days shouldn't be terrible.

And I can understand not wanting to be on so much meds, the last one I was on was making my ideations worse, and I want to get off my current one too cus I'm not feeling any difference. I'm still as mood swingy as I was not on them.

Ilysm sending hugs and gentle affectionate headbutts.

@Iamspoons

ilytttt

last time i skipped my meds i got crisisy but like i felt smthn and thats good i need a clear head yk

gotta be smart :D

*nuzzles*