@RedPandaExpress88
Hi RedPandaExpress88, sorry it's taken me until today to send you a message back. My depression has been only getting worse, and today I am not doing well at all, either. I don't work on the weekend, but I have no desire to get out of bed, get dressed, eat, etc. I have no friends, or family, no car, and no money to go and do much of anything with...so I feel pretty stuck. I don't know what to do anymore, RedPandaExpress88, because I feel like I spend all my time and energy trying to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and plans, and I just don't have the strength or energy to run in endless circles with those exercises in futility today. There is nothing at all I look forward to in my life, and the older I get, the worse this gets. No counselor I see has any idea how to help me, and they frustrated when I don't make progress, and they quit working with me after only a couple of months. I do what they tell me to do, but because it doesn't produce the outcome the counselors want to see (improvement in my depression symptoms, reduction in my suicidal thoughts, and the addition of friends, or some semblance of a "social life."), they give up on trying to help me. And, in the city I live in, (which is not small), I've come to be known as an individual who "can't be helped." There are doctors and therapists in my city who have the experience and expertise to help me, but they hear/see reports from other doctors, therapists, and hospitals who have not had any success in helping me, and they refuse to even schedule an initial appointment with me, and/or meet me. I have autism, but I'm on the higher functioning end of the spectrum, and doctors and therapists just don't clearly understand the problems associated with autism in adults, or how to help me improve my severely depressed mood, or the circumstances in my life. It is so challenging to find doctors, and therapists who accept my health insurance, and who I can get to by a city bus, and it's so distressing that even when I find psychiatrists and therapists who are accepting new patients, and accept my insurance, they refuse to see "me," and they say that it is their choice who they do, and do not want to work with. And, I can't do anything about the negative, pessamistic things doctors have previously written in my hospital/medical records. And, I'm not just making mountain out of mole hills in my mind...because I have requested copies of my medical records, and read the notes and comments doctors have charted, (Prognosis: Very poor), which make me sound more like a patient with untreatable stage four cancer. I have been trying to find a way/means to move elsewhere for going on over 3 years, to try and get a new start somewhere else, to get out of the unhealthy house I live in, and away from the depressing (drug & crime ridden) neighborhood I'm stuck in, but I feel so stuck and trapped without the money, transportation, resources, and support system it will take to make moving a reality. And, I have 3 dogs that have to be a part of the moving equation. I am probably one of the most resourceful people you could meet, and I've depleted every resource local, and otherwise to seek help. And, now I feel so depressed and defeated that my thoughts just have returned to the only thing (a gun) that I feel I "DO" have to resolve my many unremediable problems.