Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
I am so tired. I was hoping my sleep pattern would improve some once the move was sorted, but it's the same nightmares and memories hitting. I just get more disoriented because I forget where I am until I'm fully awake. I am persevering though because I do really like my new place. I am not as of yet fully unpacked as I've been working while doing it all. I like that I am safe physically, no one knows where I am so that is a massive plus, just need the memories and nightmares to settle somewhat so I can try to sleep some more. I do wonder if the sleeping thing will forever be an issue as my sleep has been interrupted so often in the past for others to do what they want. Maybe that will be a scar I will always carry with me. Sleep may never feel safe to me
So I've learnt about myself during the unpacking and working busyness that is now my life, that firstly I do not know how to park properly in a garage when I am tired. I parked way too close to the brick wall on the driver's side and had to climb over the console to get out, firstly because I didn't want to create too much noise this late night and secondly cause I couldn't be bothered to try and fix it 😂 also I need to teach myself to reverse park, I've done it like a couple of times but I think it might be easier to park in the garage, or not meh... Anywhos I've also learned that I have a habit of keeping too many things that I don't need, clothing being a big one, mostly pyjamas because I work too much, I have a hunch that I keep too many clothing because of only owning a couple of outfits when I was younger, child up until young adult when I moved out. I have a huge pile of clothing that needs to be thrown and or donated which I like the idea of donating the clothing I haven't worn, but I am also unable to get rid of it, my brain can't comprehend why I would throw or give away anything that could possibly one day be needed. I think of the time when I owned very little. Reminds me of when I finally managed to move out of home and had two bags of clothing, one of which was work clothes as I was working already and the rest was all I had owned up until that point. I barely had anything when I first left, maybe that's why I keep everything that isn't needed anymore
Disliking that I checked in publicly, I don't like that, was part of me that wanted to reach out and not be alone but the other part of me is saying that it was stupid, nobody wants to hear my stupid complaints or thoughts or whatever. Been kinda harsh to myself today with my thoughts, hard not to repeat what I've been told when I have the memories playing over and over again like a broken record, showing me things I'd suppressed from him. Now it kinda makes sense though, the time I thought I'd lost, the dissociation and memory loss wasn't actually that. But still maybe I work through it on my own, I feel like I've had too much therefore I'm the too hard to handle basket, and maybe, just maybe that with everything that's happened it is on me. I could've moved sooner and got myself out but I didn't, so maybe that one is on me, the repeating cycles that I put myself into. Him coming back continuously was because I wouldn't call for the police at times, and that I would go into autopilot and do as he said. Those memories are hard to cope with because I didn't fight nor freeze I did what he told me therefore it's not necessarily abusive or traumatic therefore I shouldn't complain. Stupid for reaching out. Stupid memories should stay hidden cause I do like my place and want to be happy. I do feel safe so that is a plus, but the safety issue was my fault in the first place. I need to sort my sleep too I'm very tired
@calmLake1999 I don't think it was stupid - but I do understand those thoughts. I'm really bad for that - Doing check in's - replying to people - even to write on my own thread - it's just wasting everyone's time. Inconveniencing them - I'm proud of you though for doing it :)
You shouldn't hold all the blame - Sorry - maybe I shouldn't say that but the way I see it - he should hold most of it - because he knew what he was doing was wrong and he took advantage of you
I'm glad you're feeling safer - It will probably take sometime though to feel at ease alittle more then what you do now. Hopefully with time you'll be able to rest and sleep easier
Does true healing have to come from facing the memories? Isn't there a way in order to heal without facing what I am trying to run from? I really don't want to face them, I don't want to sit with emotions or talk about things that have happened not anymore I am so so tired of talking. No more talking....
Hmm I'm feeling like I could do something that is dangerous or reckless tonight because I don't want to feel or think anymore. I am slightly aware enough to know that it is a very very bad decision to make decisions when I am feeling like this but there is that self destructive and apathetic part of me which is thinking it really would not matter in the slightest if I do what I'm thinking. I also just feel so very raw and low from therapy, so very tired without a sleepiness, so very done with trying so hard to fight for peace, freedom even though I have freedom now and calm. I have zero calm. I have anxious energy and bad bad energy, gah someone needs to just force me to go to sleep, but that's also bad I've had that before and it's scary because things happen when you sleep.
@calmLake1999 She's right. We do care about you. We both understand how hard it is to fight this every day. To feel so tired and weary of the constant struggle just to be human. I understand the pull to be dangerous and reckless - something to just feel alive. It's often not so much that we want life to end - just the pain of it - but it take time - yeah - I know - that sucks too tbh
Please be patient with yourself - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Wise and I are here for you - we'll allways listen
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry, I just want to feel anything other than this pain
@calmLake1999 I know 😞 and I do understand - I wish I could say something that would make a difference - if you'd rather not talk - maybe you could try the chat or text option they have or reach out to your therapist
@mytwistedsoul
If I message my therapist at this time she will only worry when she gets into the office tomorrow.. I'll try the chat option but I don't know if they can even help at the moment
It's stupid for me to even feel this way. I'm safe physically and it's still not enough to give me peace. Maybe I'm just not worth much
@calmLake1999 It isn't stupid - its just the way it is unfortunately. It still a new place and youve had to make so many new changes - it's overwhelming and probably abit of a shock to all your senses
@calmLake1999 That's all I can ask of you - is that you try - if - you feel uncomfortable texting or chatting with them - please come back - I will talk with you as long as you let me ok? No pressure though of course but I'm here ok?
I have lost a couple of hours, can not be sure where it went but it disappeared. Although I did do a painting so maybe I lost myself in that? I'm not really sure. I'm tired but not sleepy sort of tired. I'll be back to upload my painting. It's not great but meh
@calmLake1999- your painting is comforting to me. Glad to see you are able to put the emotions on paper. You inspire me to get back in my studio and start painting again. Hugs to you- relieved to read that you are weathering through the last couple of days. Lots of hugs and support to you.
@calmLake1999 This is beautiful Calm :)
Flashbacks overtaking.. voices of you owe me this, this is your fault, your submissive, this is what you like you just don't know it, don't be a prude, this is how a normal relationship is...
I hate that I have no idea what was real or wasn't, that I struggled to understand the basic concepts. This memory is overwhelming extremely, it just keeps taking me to that dark and dirty place he had me in. He knew what had happened in my childhood, he promised he wouldn't hurt me, yet he did.. why would he do that, why would he trigger me and then do what he wanted.. I wanna scream or throw something. I need the memories to go far far away now!!
It's been quieter the past few days. I've been painting more again which I'd forgotten how much it helps calm the intensity of my thoughts and easing the memories. I'm settling in well in my new place, I feel safe and like I truly can start finding the peace I have been longing for. The sleep still hasn't been great, I'm crashing hard after a couple of days without sleep, but I'm trying to manage that the best I can. I am unsure how to manage the emotions that start to flood out of me, I get caught up in them for a couple of hours and than it's this numb that washes over me, I really enjoy my balcony at night for helping with the anxiety and hyper vigilance. Although sitting out in the cold hasn't been great for my chest,unfortunately think I'm starting to get another chest infection from doing that for too long, so now I'm waiting for it to warm up a little more, not the usual unbareable summer heat of aus but warmer than what it has been would be nice for sitting and watching the stars and moon. When I look at the stars and moon I feel less alone, like what is happening inside my head and body are small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, good and bad points to that as I sometimes start on the self deprecating, other times it makes me hopeful that there is better in store, if only I can be enough to deserve it. I just gotta try harder and be better than whoever those person I have been that has summoned this.... I can say that I am doing ok 🙂
@calmLake1999 keep it together calm. I believe in you and so does everyone else here. Paint to your hearts content. Do not let the darkness win. ❤️ Thinking of you and praying for the best for you. You are so strong. It is time to shine.
@PerfectStorm426
I've been trying so so hard to keep it together but it's not happening. I do not feel strong, I don't feel like being strong anymore. I need a break from it all
@PerfectStorm426
im sorry that came across as snappy and I didn't mean it that way. I'm grateful for the support, I'm just tired especially of being called strong when I don't feel it. Thank you though, again I'm sorry
@calmLake1999 hey, i didnt take it that way at all. No worries. Hmm. You don't see yourself as strong, but we all do. You have been here as long as I have and I see you as someone who keeps pushing forward no matter what. You fight day in and day out searching for your answers. I know its exhausting. But what makes you strong to me? You never quit. You always find another answer. You fight bad things. That makes you strong in my eyes and I am proud to know you. ❤️ Keep ur chin up.
Damn it calm. Always with the snapping lately, so much better if you just retreat into your mind. Today is just shit, it's all freaking shit. So tired of being snappy and mean, maybe this is why I face the same things over and over again because I really am a mean person and need to be punished! Please don't respond to this. Anyone. I don't really deserve to have anyone respond to me anymore with the way I've been lately.
@calmLake1999 Hey you :) it's ok. I know it makes me feel bad when I do those things too. But your friends understand that it's circumstances and situations that make us that way sometimes. Some days are just shit days - it's ok to have those. Its ok to not feel strong. Just be - whatever - ya know? We accept you no matter how you come
Be gentle with yourself
I've been thinking of adopting a rescue pet the last couple of days but I'm not sure
@calmLake1999 I think it sounds like a wonderful idea! A good home to an animal in need and a companion for you :) I can understand not being sure though too - it's a commitment but a good commitment
@mytwistedsoul
I am ready for the commitment but not ready to lose a pet that I love deeply again
@calmLake1999 Yeah :( That is the hard part I think. But they do sometimes have younger animals one or two years old and with care they would be around ten or twelve more years. Not that I'm trying to pressure you. I understand your concerns - I just think it's really cool that it's something you're thinking about
@calmLake1999- when I saw this post it took my breath away- OMG- I adopted a 12yo small dog 6 weeks ago. Never had a dog- best thing I did for myself. After the endless losses of the last 2 years- humans and animals- my first dog loves me unconditionally. Go for it.