Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
I've been so proactive the past couple of days but now I'm back to the waiting part. I am extremely exhausted also as I've been doing extra shifts to try and keep my mind preoccupied until I move. I did some pre packing to try and make things a touch easier for when I get approved for a place. I don't think I've had this much tired energy in a long time, but I feel a change is coming soon so I want to try and be prepared for it
I'm so confused, what is considered consent when it relates to someone who is asleep or dissociates. Like if my mind shuts down or switches to that state where everything feels surreal and I'm not able to communicate does that mean I've given consent, or withdrawn consent or idk? It's confusing cause that's more something that is my mind's fault right? Maybe with my upbringing it's hard for me to believe that consent is even a real thing. Can you give consent to your body when it feels like it doesn't even belong to you. Or when it feels like you as a person was just made in order to suffer? The sleep thing plays on my mind too because I don't know about that idea, it seems like it should be wrong to do things to someone when they are asleep because they aren't aware of anything, but than the same applies, I don't feel like my body is even mine to decide about so how do I decide what is right and wrong. And the right and wrong thing is an issue too because maybe I don't know the true boundaries that are supposed to be crossed and not crossed.. gah things can be so confusing sometimes.. maybe I shouldn't even think about it. Idk
I feel like I've been moving a million miles per minute. The past couple of days I've packed in so much things to do. Phone calls, emails, inspections and working. I have worked more shifts than normal and longer hours, while good also exhausting. Still not sleeping, but I've been productive by cleaning and packing what I can, preparing myself to make phone calls. I think I've been far too picky cause I keep finding things I don't like about each property I go to inspect, maybe it's cause familiar is comforting or not comforting but easier to manage. Though I do like action me as I just keep getting things done so there has been dark thoughts but I find more things I can be doing to make this upcoming move easier. I keep telling myself it's upcoming because than I won't feel like giving in on the house hunt.. anyways should probs either sleep or find more things to do for this moving business.. I dunno I gotta crash sometimes, think I've had about 8 hours sleep in 5 days 😬😬 meh I'm still survivinf, managing better on little sleep.. lol the only time I feel the fatigue is at work when it's half way through the shift cause I start thinking about how long til the end of the shift. The drive home always wakes me back up
Also another added, I need to talk with my therapist because I'm not sure when it kicked in but my mind has been racing so far that I'm having trouble with my speech sometimes, speaking too fast and words mixing together, although it's quite funny when my brain and mouth decide to mix up the two words and it comes out as something random.. ahh and I've been learning Spanish, one of my residents is trying to teach me, but not much has stuck although it's fun to learn, pronunciation is definitely off as he keeps laughing at me 😂 maybe I'm drinking too much coffee .. sending love to my friends out there, your all on my very fast paced mind ♥️♥️ hope all is well
@calmLake1999 I just wanted to say how proud I am that you're being so proactive :)
I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky unless it's something like the color of the shower curtain lol. I mean this is going to be your home - you should kind of like it - right?
You stay busy - I do too - all the time. Because if I stop moving I have to think - and thinking really sucks sometimes - it's much better to to stay busy and not think - at least thats my thoughts on it - my therapist seems to think this is a bad idea and i'll have to think about it sooner or later. Idk - lol - I'm pretty good at it ;)
Spanish huh? Thats awesome! Something to keep your mind engaged too and a nice way to interact with your resident - Next thing you know - you'll be writing posts in here for us to decipher
Be gentle with yourself Calm
Dunno how I've survived on so little sleep the last couple of days, I've done all the packing I can for now and just waiting for the days to tick by. I'm so tired but apprehensive about sleeping
Only a couple of days to get through and I'll be safe, counting those days down. I can make it as tired as I am I'll make it through, just please let this be finally safe
Extreme low today, keep crying and breaking have spent alot of time on the floor to try and calm down but nothing has been effective. I need sleep but I can't sleep because it's not safe!
I've moved, finally some distance and a sense of safety, I extremely like the multiple locks that are available here, no one can get in now under no circumstances unless I let them plus now my car is parked around the back so no one will see it. I'm feeling completely wrecked, my whole body is aching it was before the move but I push through until it was done. My head is throbbing very badly though so I am desperately hoping for some sleep tonight, dunno if it will be dreamless but maybe I'll stop checking the doors constantly.
And on a side note I was very amused to find that my new place has a Harry Potter room, it's under the staircase and is as small as it was in the movies and how I pictured in the books 😂 maybe this is a sign of good beginnings for me, I dunno won't get my hopes up but I am free now
@calmLake1999 👍🏻Atta girl. Congratulations. Where is the lava moat? I Hope this is a door opening to great things for you, it should be from the sounds of it. Best wishes Calm.
@PerfectStorm426 Hey :) its nice to see you
@calmLake1999 This is great news :) I'm so happy for you! I hope you can get some rest and hopefully some peace
I've noticed over the past two days while I've been unpacking and trying to set up that I have a very distractable mind when it comes to different tasks, I dunno if it's my anxiety or something else but I'll start working on unpacking my bedroom, than decide to go downstairs and do some of the lounge room than decide it's the kitchens turn.. kinda frustrating myself because now rooms are partially done but not completely. Also the little bits of random things I keep is odd, I have a whole box full of random bits and pieces that I can't bring myself to be rid of.. I dunno, another long day of unpacking ahead of me I think
I am so bombarded be memories they have just taken over. Silly to think once I was in a new place that they would disappear completely. The only things thats happened is my inability to breathe right now. The grounding is slowly happening thanks to my balcony of the bedroom but it's super hard to breathe or get my heartrate to drop. Maybe I gotta sit for longer. Why is it they overtake the most when I feel calm?
