Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
The last couple of weeks have been the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. I've been persistently making attempts, although I've failed them which is obvious cause I'm still here writing unfortunately. I have been so low and no matter what I say, do or reach out(I'm now on daily check ins with my therapist because I point blank refuse to get further assistance) I can't get up from this low. I do wonder if it's mostly contributed from the extreme exhaustion I have been feeling or if it's a combination of everything catching up with me. Ironically I'm told that this is me healing. I have no idea how in the world that even makes sense. I am in so much more pain and everything appears so much darker than it did before. Maybe it's also the stupid emotions I am constantly feeling? I also swing back and forth between being an adult version of me, pushing my way through, paying bills and going to work, to the child like me who refuses to do any of that "stupid" crap. Child me just wants to lay in bed, watch movies and eat chocolate. I can't seem to get a handle on things, one moment I am so done with everything and the next minute I slap on the facade, head off to work and pretend I'm a normal human who isn't broken. I feel so guilty for the last post I left here, I forgot about it until I went to log on tonight and seen it sitting there. I can be such a selfish ***** sometimes, I only take into consideration my needs forgetting that I can hurt people with my words.
Today I have to do the adult things that I don't want to do. Not work but other things. I dunno why I always struggle with these sorts of things, everyone else gets them done but when I need to I decide that I don't want to do them. I become anxious and feel like everything bad will happen. I'm really good at putting things off until I can't anymore and this is one of those moments
So lots of anger tonight, just burning in my veins. Anger at myself, at the world, at those who have hurt me (although some of it I do hold partial blame). Such frustration and anger that this is all my life has known up until now. That those brief glimpses of happiness and joy are constantly overshadowed by darkness and pain. That when I'd hoped, just hoped that things would be different and I could trust, if was turned into another lesson of how worthless I am to some people. I may have delved too soon into the complications of relationships, but he also took advantage of my vulnerabilities and naivety about how things worked and that makes me angry. I haven't felt this level of anger before or constantly turn it back into myself. But really how much is one person supposed to take?
https://youtu.be/t4382UVl0oc
Disturbed- A Reason to Fight
I'm sharing this song cause I've been listening to it on repeat and it's really helping me hold on over the weekend until I see my therapist again. Maybe it can help some else also
I never really thought about how badly the car crash I had almost 2 years ago had impacted me. I kinda bounced back from it quickly, I was weary of driving but I took a different route to and from work. Tonight though I realised that I never really dealt with it properly. Admittedly we haven't had huge rain storms like that since or when we have I've been lucky enough to not have been at work and just refused to drive. Tonight though I had to drive through to get home and the whole way home I really believed I'd be in a crash again, I haven't been able to get the images out of my head from the night of the accident. I'm so grateful I made it home safe tonight, though every time my car hit a puddle and I had no control of my car I thought I was done for. I'm so on edge, and I can't get my heart to slow down, it's racing as is my breathing.
I have hope again after not having it for so long. I inspected a house today that I absolutely love and could see myself being happy as well asfinally safe. Got to wait to see if I'm approved but fingers crossed :D
trigger warning,
I wonder if I'll ever be able to finally settle. Feels like I've been running, fighting and hiding for so long, my entire life really and it feels like I'll never ever have the peace I am so desperate to find. I am hoping against hope that this place will be it for me, but I thought this place I am in now was my safe space until I stupidly invited darkness and violence back into my life. He genuinely was so sweet in the beginning, he seemed understanding and caring. He showed so much interest in me and was constantly checking in to see how I was, if I was working and what I was up to. Until things turned, until I couldn't give him what he wanted but maybe that one is on me, maybe if I tied harder to be what he needed instead of selfishly pulling away and resisting. I have so little knowledge of relationships that i wonder if maybe I was being unreasonable about certain things. I dunno, mind is wondering and asking lots of questions tonight, maybe I'll find clarity if I move away from here which now holds so many dear memories. The memories of being slammed into the wall for daring to speak back, being slapped across the face for not listening to him (I was super numb though and my mind wasn't really available) the fights and arguments in the kitchen, attempting to make coffee when he decided he wanted to try something. My room holds the darkest memories, confusing memories because some things I'm not even sure how to make sense of.
Just letting loose some thoughts and memories here. Need to get them out.
I have so many confusing thoughts around the relationship. I was always taught it was best to never fight, but for some reason with him I found a part of me that would get extremely angry and I would say things that are so nasty. I generally speaking try not to be cruel with my words because I know how deeply word can wound, but I was a vicious person at times with him. Sometimes I would react, when he'd call me submissive or some other words I don't wish to repeat, it would enrage a part of me and I don't even know how to explain the way my body and mind would shut down and I'd react. Meh enough thinking about that,I wish to forget those times especially. So hard to come up with excuses when I was at work and had a pounding headache or my throat was aching and had visible bruises, guess in a way it's lucky I'm a klutz so that was my go to excuse. I didn't realise how my mind managed to spiral tonight, I was thinking about the prospect of moving when I realised that I'm constantly running and hiding, desperately seeking somewhere safe. But reality is this is the boat I put myself in this time. The memories and fear I'm trying to escape from is of my own creation.
I do desperately hope sleep finds me soon but it's impossible to sleep long without thinking he's gonna be in my bed next to me doing things when I wake. Gah stupid mind and memories. A look into how disconnected my mind is 😶
https://youtu.be/iXFJpcDepLc
Feeling this. Emotions have been a bit wild today. Driving to calm things down
What's on my mind.. huh a lot, I've overwhelmed myself with the possibilities that this new place could have, than I started to think that I mightnt even get approved for it so I spiralled. And than I thought about the packing, unpacking and the fact that I might have to get a removalist dunno if I like that idea, but I'll see how much I can move on my own. The anxieties sitting around this moving is making my head spin, thinking of every possiblity that could come up. Also I am disappointed that I have my hopes up, I feel like I could get my hopes crushed. But I kinda can't help it neither because I really really like the property and the area so I'm hoping and hoping that I'll hear back soon and that it's good news. I also keep obsessively checking my phone and emails in case they have tried to contact me. I don't know how long it could take to hear back. I also worry that I haven't done the paperwork correctly. Gah so so many worries. I can't even breathe because of them. I've been cleaning, to obsession mode while I wait to hear and I had to be back at work. Damn new thought is the moving while working my shifts, guess I can do lots of packing and stuff before work and then if I need to do the move I'll do it on a day off or also before work in the morning. I need to stop these thoughts as there are too many. Moving and waiting to hear is tricky
