Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
I'm struggling hard with words. I want to type what's on my mind but I can't. I want to reach out but it's impossible.
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* Sometimes it is hard to find the words to explain whats going on in our heads and that makes us feel as though we can't or shouldn't reach out
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sitting with me. I don't know how to write what's on my mind. I really feel like I shouldn't reach out. I was doing ok earlier and now I'm not
@calmLake1999 You're welcome - It goes like that. The smallest thing can pop up and mess with what was going fine. Sometimes - well - ok - alot of times I can't quite find the words to say whats on my mind and it makes me feel the same way - like I shouldn't reach out
@mytwistedsoul
It's a hard feeling to sit with, I'd normally just not say anything cause it'd be easier but it doesn't help with that alone feeling. Also I'm here for you also if you would like someone to sit with you. I'm so grateful to have met you here
@calmLake1999 It is hard feeling alone - I know sometimes keeping quiet does feel better - safer I guess. But then - Idk - we think stupid things then - I'm really glad to see you reaching out even if - it doesn't feel right or feel like you should. I know how hard it is to fight with yourself on that
I'm really grateful to have met you too :) Thank you
I've been so grumpy the past two days and today I managed to even snap at my therapist which now reflecting on I feel super bad for doing so. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm just so annoyed and frustrated that I've stayed in this grumpy mood
I inspected a place this afternoon which was awful, my anxiety went off the rictor scale and I felt super uncomfortable. I think I need to make sure I have someone with me when I do inspections as being a single girl in her 20s makes me more vulnerable. I hate feeling so vulnerable, can't even inspect properties without a bad vibe. Glad I faked a call and got out of there
Throw caution to the wind. I'm in a mood with very little care in the world what happens. Not necessarily a good frame to be in. Shouldn't be making decisions
Today has been interesting. I woke this morning feeling nothing at all. Than came the random anger which was like a fire. The rest of the day I've had periods where my whole body starts shaking and I don't know how to stop it. It's very disconcerting. Right now I'm exhausted as I spent the past 30 minutes just shaking. Not sure what's happening inside my body right now
It's a stressful time. Lots of hiding from the world while I try to figure out how to manage the stress. Not managing well. Not coping
Talking about certain things even in therapy is so very difficult, it's hard to explain why I think the way I do
I'm a storm without a warning
The black clouds that are forming
I turn the river red
I am deliverance...
Final words for this. Don't know if I'll be back. Don't know if I'll make it through. This is it
@calmLake1999- Such raw emotions expressed eloquently. I scrolled down and was SO relieved to read your entry today. Yeah- another survivor who made it through the weekend. Hope you can feel my soft breath of gratitude your presence gives to me. Take care.