Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
I just wanted to add an entry here. It's something that is in my mind and if I could I would say it out loud but I struggle with my words from day to day so I'll put it here. This is not directed at anyone but just something I wish so desperately that the world understood.
Please, in a world that is already filled with so much hatred, pain and darkness. Please choose to be kind, please choose to do no harm. Please think before acting. No one ever can be sure what someone else is going through, no one can assume that because someone has a smile on their face means they are doing good in life. No one knows what secret pain or thoughts are running through another's head. Please don't be the one person, whether it be a stranger, friend or foe that chooses to assume that your words and actions will not be the demise of someone else. Just think for a moment whether the words or actions you choose would hurt yourself and if so please don't use them on someone else. Just please try and show compassion, empathy or care where you can. Life can already be so very harsh without added pressures. Pain can lead to exit strategies and wantings to end things. Misguided words can make people feel very small and alone. I have done my fair share of things that aren't kind and have said hurtful things in the heat of the moment, but I continue to try and be better because the world is dark enough without me adding to it.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone it's just my thoughts atm
@calmLake1999 So glad you found music to help,with your stuggles,in life.
This post is a very angry one and I'm not sure if it needs a trigger warning or not so I'll just put that there.
I don't understand how someone can cause so much havoc to someone else's life yet reap no consequences, yet I know that is partially on me because I haven't pursued it. But why, why should I have to drag myself through hell again to ensure that he sees that what he did was not ok. That what he did caused so much pain and indecision and guilt and shame. Why doesn't he have to deal with the same amount of pain I am dealing with right now?! I know I can't see how he's feeling, but does that really give him the right to do what he did with nothing to own to? I had to deal with this extremely painful decision that I now hate myself for making while he has another child and still gets to treat women with anger, to be fair I don't know if he sees his child often but gah it's so frustrating, it was just pushed onto me and I didn't get no choice! I never wanted to have to make that sort of decision. I was never even sure if I wanted to be a parent now I had to make the decision quickly and that's just unfair!! I just want to heal from my past wounds, my past trauma and live a calm and peaceful life and maybe just maybe one day find some sort of love. I don't see how I'll find that now because I'm a monster of a person and I hate myself. How can I expect to find anything peaceful with this much hate and anger?! I don't even know how to manage this pain anymore or this anger
I shouldn't have wrote that post I'm feeling ashamed for spilling that out here. I apologize to anyone that reads it
@calmLake1999 Hey Hi.
Please don't apologize. It was honest and this is a safe place for you, for you to speak your truth, to speak your mind. I understand your feelings of shame, I mean no offense with saying that, just that I understand how hard it is to speak our truths, because of all the times we've been told to hold our tongues and keep our secrets. You're safe here.
Reminding myself to breath, it was a dream not reality, not happening right now. Just breathe, safety isn't here but he isn't either
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
Trigger warning
I'm struggling with my memories and nightmares lately, they are too much to manage and I'm so tired. I keep having nightmares of when I'd wake up and he was holding me while doing things, I couldn't ground or do anything because I could feel him while I was trying to pull myself out of my nightmare. I hated sleeping next to him because I didn't trust him while I was awake let alone when I was asleep. But I'd get so tired that id just pass out and wake to those things. He would tell me it wasn't an issue, that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He'd tell me that I initiated it while I was sleeping. Now even though he's gone and I'm so tired it's hard to fall asleep when sleep has never been safe but I'm petrified that being asleep makes me too vulnerable
@calmLake1999. Lake I'm so sorry. Nothing like that is ever your fault no matter what was said to to you. It was a lie that abusers tell. I wish I could think of something to say that would make it better, I think time will help as you begin to see that you are safe now. I hope so.
@calmLake1999 Hugs<3
I just wanna give up now. No more trying. It's so tiring. Is it ok to just give up now
@calmLake1999 No ma'am, I know you're tired but you can't quit. Quitting means "they" won. They've taken enough from us haven't they? We can't let them have it this time.
@mytwistedsoul
But they keep winning no matter what I do. My life is worthless, and im so tired. Tired of trying and failing.
@calmLake1999 You're life is worth so much more than what you think it is. The people you help with your work, the time that you unselfishly give them. The times that you go in it's probably the last thing on earth you want to do. As long as you keep trying, you aren't failing. In my opinion, it's when you quit that you fail. So you keep trying.
@mytwistedsoul
It's so hard to keep trying. My mind just wants me to give up, it's had enough. I just want peace. I want no more of the crap life throws.
@calmLake1999 I understand all about wanting peace. You just want to feel comfortable in your own skin. To feel content.
You're mind is constantly churning. Trying to make sense of what's been going on, trying to make sense of all the emotions. And I know you've said you feel unsafe and it occured to me, would you ever consider a self defense class? That way, you take a step toward feeling safer and take a step toward throwing back to life what it's been throwing at you. Sometimes community centers offer classes or a Karate studio might have something. Even if you only went to one class, it could open up new possibilities for you. What would you think of something like that?
@mytwistedsoul
It's something I could look into. It might help with feeling less defenceless. Id probs be pretty crap at it as I am very uncoordinated. I'm just at a point where there is only one option in mind yet somehow I don't have the energy to even do that. I'm sorry for being so bleak
I have so little energy. Forcing myself to go to work and be present, giving what I can and helping those I look after as rewarding as it is, is extremely tiring when I've been feeling so low. After last night and the not wanting to continue anymore it was a massive push to get up and get dressed today, assisted by some very angry music that barely touched the sides of my apathy. I should probably be a little tiny bit proud of myself for that ability to turn on and be there for my residents. But I can't find that within me. Now I'm just trying to get through the next night of, why bother, what's the point and can I even do this anymore. Tiredness is my saving grace right now, too dang tired to do anything.
@calmLake1999
You can get through this. Getting up and being able to be there for your residents is an accomplishment on its own. :) I know what it is like to struggle and the energy each action takes out of you. You are not alone in this. sending you positive energy, you can do it :)
I've got energy today which is unusual. I had a tough shift at work but it's given me adrenaline which is fueling me to drive and listen to angry music instead of going straight home
I'm quickly becoming overwhelmed. I managed to sleep a little today but woke up with this feeling of overwhelming dread. The pain is still lingering but a hot water bottle is helping that issue. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to get done in the next couple of weeks or sooner. Moving is quite a big priority now but it's exceptionally hard to find something I could possibly call home. I get angry when I think that he managed to take this place I moved into and make it not my home anymore. It's not even safe for me to remain here as my mental health declines and I'm always on edge. It's such a scary prospect of moving again. I've moved so often in the past couple of years and I just want to find a place where I can settle. I also worry about not being approved for some of the properties I actually like the look of. Why must things be so much to deal with. Too much. The part of my brain that just wants to hide and ignore the things I need to do is getting louder today. I also have to find the strength needed to get up and go into work
