Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
https://voca.ro/or3cSdJgkpl
I'm not sure if that will work or not, but I guess that song basically describes some things at the moment. It's called final masquerade by Linkin Park not usually my first go to but anyways
@calmLake1999. You are doing several positive things and that's great. Music and art help me a lot of too. You are never unworthy. You ate a person of value
I know life is never meant to be smooth sailing but why is it rough all of the time. Constantly fighting against the dark with the facade up so high that no one sees I'm drowning
Everything keeps blurring together, dunno when the last time I had a decent sleep was.. breathing is hard today... Oversensitive to everything, just can't really tolerate anything.. I've been overdoing it with the exercising again I think but the burning in muscles is good, good distraction.. when did everything become so much?
I'm just a ghost that's starting to show
I've been on the wrong side searching for love
Could I've been wrong about everything?
I made more waves than the ocean
Decisions to make, so many decisions.. understand now why I've been all over the place emotionally, just breathe and figure out a way, gotta be a way.. stupid life
@calmLake1999
I'm glad to hear you have found your voice again!
It's hard when you feel like you shouldn't tell your story, but that is just the alse voice speaking to you. I have it all the time. What I am learning to do is to acknowledge that voice and sit with it for ten minutes a day. Let it talk. But just listen without judgement. I heard an amazing thing the other day. It might help you!
The past doesn't exist. The future doesn't exist yet but has thousands of possibilities within it. When we worry we tend to think of all the things that could go wrong. Each time you find yourself thinking of what could go wrong, try to think of 3 things that could go right. It helps a great deal! Because it is just as likely things could go right!!
As for the worries about the voice, I'm a voice teacher and have studied the instrument for over 15 years. Sometimes, our emotions will effect our voice where it won't sound as it normally does. Be gentle with yourself. It will come back!
Also, your song is beautiful!! Thank you for sharing it!! It was a wonderful gift this morning!!
Wishing you all the best!
Sending love and hugs!
Don't know what I was expecting, how does one manage this? Too much thoughts, racing, breathing is hard.. is this the only chance or not? I dunno what to. Do or think
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm
*sitting with you*
I have trouble breathing alot of times too. I either catch myself holding it or breathing way too fast and it gets away from me. Sometimes it helps to try and force a few deep breaths. In through your nose amd out through your mouth. Or sometimes I get water in the sink - as cold as I can and just put my face in it - it seems to help sometimes
*I hope you don't mind my commenting on your new thread* it's ok to say so of it does - ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Hi soul, I don't mind you commenting on my thread. Thank you for being here.. I have so much on my mind that I find it hard to breathe
@calmLake1999 I know that feeling all too well. There's so many thoughts and at times you can't seem to pin one down long enough to make sense of it. Or there's so many that they make no sense at all - they just seem to swarm each other. Tripping and colliding together. Making nothing but a mess of our heads. I found that sometimes if I just let my fingers walk on the key board or even with a pen and paper - if you prefer not to share. You just start writing and things start to come out. I usually put them down as random thoughts. It helps make sense of them sometimes that way. It can even - not make any sense. You've been on my thread - lol - sometimes it doesn't make much sense. But getting it out usually makes me feel better
I wish someone would just make the decision for me. I can't make this decision! I have too much on my mind, too much to try and sort through. I don't want to make this decisjon. I can't. I'm tired. So tired of this stupid life stuff. I van't breathe thriigh this. I can't figure this stuff out. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to deal with the constant onslaught of feelings and emotions, of talking and thinking. Of trying and trying some more. Of getting throufh each day.
@calmLake1999
Been typing, deleting and retyping. I want to speak, to vent, to let it out, but I want to be quiet, withdraw and hold it all in now. I can't possibly think of the words to say. I want it to be done. I want to find peace once and for all, but I can't. I have to keep trying, keep moving forward. I want to ignore things that are happening and need to be decided but that doesn't last long either. Things seem to fade out more quickly, I'm in a numb or dissociated state to get through work. I'm hoping this will sort it self out but I doubt that. I want a restart. I want to have not have to live this life I've been given. But that's how it is. I wonder if I could possibly love something that was made from hate and violence? But I'm unlovable so maybe it's best not to.. arghh I want to scream at the world
Nope just nope, no typing that, ignore that one it doesn't exist. I shouldn't be writing the things in my head down. Bad idea. Gah can't do nothing right 😣
@calmLake1999 don't give up please...keep writing and keep fighting...I believe you've found your voice my friend.
