Finding my voice again
I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on.
It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now.
I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
https://voca.ro/or3cSdJgkpl
I'm not sure if that will work or not, but I guess that song basically describes some things at the moment. It's called final masquerade by Linkin Park not usually my first go to but anyways
@calmLake1999. You are doing several positive things and that's great. Music and art help me a lot of too. You are never unworthy. You ate a person of value
I know life is never meant to be smooth sailing but why is it rough all of the time. Constantly fighting against the dark with the facade up so high that no one sees I'm drowning
Everything keeps blurring together, dunno when the last time I had a decent sleep was.. breathing is hard today... Oversensitive to everything, just can't really tolerate anything.. I've been overdoing it with the exercising again I think but the burning in muscles is good, good distraction.. when did everything become so much?
I'm just a ghost that's starting to show
I've been on the wrong side searching for love
Could I've been wrong about everything?
I made more waves than the ocean
Decisions to make, so many decisions.. understand now why I've been all over the place emotionally, just breathe and figure out a way, gotta be a way.. stupid life
@calmLake1999
I'm glad to hear you have found your voice again!
It's hard when you feel like you shouldn't tell your story, but that is just the alse voice speaking to you. I have it all the time. What I am learning to do is to acknowledge that voice and sit with it for ten minutes a day. Let it talk. But just listen without judgement. I heard an amazing thing the other day. It might help you!
The past doesn't exist. The future doesn't exist yet but has thousands of possibilities within it. When we worry we tend to think of all the things that could go wrong. Each time you find yourself thinking of what could go wrong, try to think of 3 things that could go right. It helps a great deal! Because it is just as likely things could go right!!
As for the worries about the voice, I'm a voice teacher and have studied the instrument for over 15 years. Sometimes, our emotions will effect our voice where it won't sound as it normally does. Be gentle with yourself. It will come back!
Also, your song is beautiful!! Thank you for sharing it!! It was a wonderful gift this morning!!
Wishing you all the best!
Sending love and hugs!
Don't know what I was expecting, how does one manage this? Too much thoughts, racing, breathing is hard.. is this the only chance or not? I dunno what to. Do or think
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm
*sitting with you*
I have trouble breathing alot of times too. I either catch myself holding it or breathing way too fast and it gets away from me. Sometimes it helps to try and force a few deep breaths. In through your nose amd out through your mouth. Or sometimes I get water in the sink - as cold as I can and just put my face in it - it seems to help sometimes
*I hope you don't mind my commenting on your new thread* it's ok to say so of it does - ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Hi soul, I don't mind you commenting on my thread. Thank you for being here.. I have so much on my mind that I find it hard to breathe
@calmLake1999 I know that feeling all too well. There's so many thoughts and at times you can't seem to pin one down long enough to make sense of it. Or there's so many that they make no sense at all - they just seem to swarm each other. Tripping and colliding together. Making nothing but a mess of our heads. I found that sometimes if I just let my fingers walk on the key board or even with a pen and paper - if you prefer not to share. You just start writing and things start to come out. I usually put them down as random thoughts. It helps make sense of them sometimes that way. It can even - not make any sense. You've been on my thread - lol - sometimes it doesn't make much sense. But getting it out usually makes me feel better
@mytwistedsoul
I want to type it out and I've been trying to get the words out of my brain, but I just can't get them down on paper or on the keyboard. The thoughts are stuck in my mind circling constantly.. I'm just, I don't know how to feel right now
@calmLake1999 I don't think that there's any set way to feel - There's probably alot of confusion still - wondering the how's and why's of things. Sadness - grief and even as uncomfortable as it is - anger. Sometimes - I've found that when I'm at a loss for words - sometimes I kind of draw - nothing set in mind - pencil or crayon - what ever I have at hand. Or music - I have - wow - probably dozens of play lists - sometimes I spend an hour just kind of scrolling through - listening to bits and pieces here and there - usually something gets jarred loose. And I find something that speaks to me. It helps me to describe sometimes how I'm feeling - But then there are times when music has been cut off from me and I can't stand anything - so I resort to drawing doodles. Allthough - There is that lovely emotions wheel that everyone seems to point out alot - please don't make me suggest that lol!
We'll figure it out - yeah? Help you find some way to get those words out - help you find your voice again
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you soul. I have a ton of different music playlists I usually turn to which usually help with pinpointing what it is that I'm feeling. There's just nothing that helps describe or sort out what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm stuck in this situation that I know I have choices but I don't know what choice to use or what would be best or what is right and it's too much to handle. It's time sensitive too which really makes it hard because I want to just ignore it and pretend it's not happening but I can't, I have to face it but I can't do that either. I'm just stuck and I feel so lost and so tired and so many other things that I can't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. I keep getting given so much information but I don't want the information, really I think I want someone to tell me what I should do but no one is. My therapist and doctor are all it's your decision and you have choices, but I don't feel like I have you know, I don't know what to do, I don't know what choice to make. And it's not fair of me to get frustrated with my therapist and doctor I know where they are coming from but I wish they would give me the answer not the options.
I'm sorry I went on a rant, I guess I sort of got it out a little, but I feel more stressed
@calmLake1999 Rant away :)
I do understand how doing that can make you more stressed though. It does sound like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially with it being time sensitive. Becaause sometimes we'd like nothing more then to push it offand pretend it doesn't exist. I think sometimes id like people to tell me what to do because it's easier or if it's wrong then it on them and not me. Everything allways seems so complicated doesn't it?
Sometimes it helps to look at it as - if this was a friend coming to you with the exact story and you know all the details - what would your advice be to them? My therapist says it's often a battle between heart and mind and we often balk at doing what we know is the right thing because we worry how it will make us look. What is the right thing to do - feels wrong because of all the times we were told its wrong. But at the same time - sometimes we have to do what seems impossible - but we have to stand up for ourselves because noone else will. And the people who care for us will stand behind what ever we decide - no matter what.
That's probably not much help
@mytwistedsoul
Gah I started writing and it all deleted. Thank you, it is helpful, but I don't think I could give advice to a friend in this situation. I guess in a way my therapist and doctor are right I'm the only one who can make this choice, but this decision could not only just affect me but someone else too and that's what I'm so torn about. My heart and head have too many ideas and I can't stick to either of them. I feel sick and stuck in this, literally like a rock in a hard place. Any decision I choose will be a big one and I don't know what to do...
It's just so frustrating, I wanted to focus on healing and moving away from anything that tied me to that relationship and now I'm stuck ina place where I could be forever stuck with a tie to it...
@calmLake1999 Oh man - I hate when that happens. It's like it takes so long to get the words all together and then in an instant they're all gone. And you can't help but think - please don't make me say it again.
Now I'm pretty good at reading between the lines and the conclusion that I'm coming to - well I won't say it and I can't even really begin to imagine . But if I'm right - I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can't begin to imagine how scared you must feel. How - if you do one thing - then there's these sets of consequences but if you do this - there's this other set of consequences. Each one seeming no better then the other. And you're right - it's not really something you could give advice to a friend.
Please know though - that no matter the decision you come to - You have our support - no judgement - ever - yeah?
You will be in my thoughts Calm
@mytwistedsoul
I was very frustrated with it dissapearing it was hard to try and type it out. I'm scared and there's not much I can do to alleviate that, I've just gotta make a decision and go forth with it.
Thank you for being here and chatting with me
@calmLake1999 You're very welcome. I was happy to be here to chat with you :)
I'll send you some good vibes to give you strength :)
I wish someone would just make the decision for me. I can't make this decision! I have too much on my mind, too much to try and sort through. I don't want to make this decisjon. I can't. I'm tired. So tired of this stupid life stuff. I van't breathe thriigh this. I can't figure this stuff out. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to deal with the constant onslaught of feelings and emotions, of talking and thinking. Of trying and trying some more. Of getting throufh each day.
@calmLake1999
Been typing, deleting and retyping. I want to speak, to vent, to let it out, but I want to be quiet, withdraw and hold it all in now. I can't possibly think of the words to say. I want it to be done. I want to find peace once and for all, but I can't. I have to keep trying, keep moving forward. I want to ignore things that are happening and need to be decided but that doesn't last long either. Things seem to fade out more quickly, I'm in a numb or dissociated state to get through work. I'm hoping this will sort it self out but I doubt that. I want a restart. I want to have not have to live this life I've been given. But that's how it is. I wonder if I could possibly love something that was made from hate and violence? But I'm unlovable so maybe it's best not to.. arghh I want to scream at the world
Nope just nope, no typing that, ignore that one it doesn't exist. I shouldn't be writing the things in my head down. Bad idea. Gah can't do nothing right 😣
@calmLake1999 don't give up please...keep writing and keep fighting...I believe you've found your voice my friend.