Captain's Log

I've gotten back into the game "Catan" recently. It's nice to strategize on a tiny scale like that, and when the game ends, there are no lasting consequences.

I'm worried my meds will run out before I can get more. I've rationed them, but it's not enough. I feel often feel extremely warm, sweaty, sick or manic, but not nearly as bad as it would be without the meds. The heart palpitations are coming now, but I have some betablockers left over from when I first got sick. I call doctors every day, but nobody has room for me until October!

On the bright side, all this energy has kept me motivated. I am keeping with my exercise regimen, I have the energy to work on my project after work, and I wake up easily in the mornings.

SO got some bad news this week, unclear if the "coming home" date has shifted into December...for now I'm keeping my happy count of 90 days remaining. Cross those fingers for us!

I'm doing a nice thing for a friend, but they are so neurotic about it that I'm starting to regret it. Every day it's a new question (or statement in the form of a question) - "What time is good for you" "Actually could we do 10am?" "Do I need to bring earplugs?" "Should I bring my sister?" "I'm not bringing my sister" "Is this pinewood?" "Actually let's do 9am" "Should I get pinewood?"

Just stop already! I can't wait to just get this over with. I wanted to do something kind, but it's been such a headache dealing with this all week. PLUS I just learned that the place I usually go to has changed, so I don't even know if we're going to be able to do what my friend wants to do in the first place.

And my fish died this morning, it got stuck and croaked. My developer gave me more excuses this week, and the project is taking 0 steps forward and 20 steps back. I've been in a bad mood anyway, and everything just seems to be poking at me.

Yesterday, I missed SO more than I ever have, even cumulatively up to this point. Looking at a photo of us brought me both comfort and anger at the same time, and I still don't know how it's possible to feel both simultaneously. I wonder if this frustration will only get worse as we get closer to the end of this separation.

Before, reuniting was so far off, it was abstract. Now, it's getting more real and within reach. Like if I were reaching for something across a football field - well, I wouldn't - it's too far away to consider. But now, I'm reaching for something just a bit further than I can get to. So close to the goal, but still not here. Now that's frustrating.

I had such a relaxing weekend. I think I needed to counteract all the upset feelings I was having during the week.

My housemates were all out of the house all weekend, so I just lounged around for most of the day and night in the living room, with excursions on Saturday and Sunday to visit an art gallery and my grandfather, respectively.

The gallery exhibit was terrific and very inspiring. It spurred me on and continues to do so. I wish it weren't such a long drive from me now.

My grandfather is a delight to be around. We always have such a good time together. These days his short term memory is in the shitter, so we do tend to talk in loops at times. Still, he is very much himself. He is of course older than he's ever been, and my grandmother (his wife) died 6 years ago. So he frequently brings up his wishes for after his own death, and talks a lot about their life together. A refrain of "I still just can't believe she's gone."

I love hearing his anecdotes about the past, and learning more about my family's history. All of my relatives came from a lot of dysfunction, but were able to create a stable and comfortable home environment for me, my sister, and cousins.

I'm grateful I have the time and opportunity to spend so much time with my grandfather as an adult. I often wish my grandmother had lived long enough that I was able to talk to her from a more comfortable frame of mind. When she died, I hadn't reached a point where I felt worthy of having deeper conversations with her. I had just graduated university and was so stressed out about finding my place in the world. I wish I could talk to her now, and show her what I've done and know I will do. But I'm sure she knew these things before I did.

It is Wednesday, my dudes...OHHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the week is cruising right along. I myself am more ahead on my project than I thought I would be, probably because it's the one thing I can control about this process while my developer does bupkis. I told him if he is not finished by Sept 1, we are done and he is not getting paid. I've been more than fair, it's time to cut the ***.

Missing my SO this week hasn't been as bad. I don't know why last week was so hard - I was just as busy as I usually am. Ebbs and flows, that's how it goes. Sometimes my friends will get a bit unintentionally rude, saying things like "A year is just too long to be apart, I could never do that" and they all pile on, "That would just be impossible" etc. From their perspective, if this separation is such a terrible burden, what is the goal in twisting the knife? From my perspective, they are telling on themselves. They are illustrating that their own partnerships are not strong. That they have the brains of a goldfish - if something is not right in front of them at all times, it does not exist.

I do try and explain to them that both my SO and I are individuals, capable of happiness and fulfillment apart from each other. We are together because we enhance each others lives, not because we "couldn't bear" to be without.

Our anniversary is coming up. 4 years already. We both love to travel, learn new things, and support each other in our respective goals. When is the "honeymoon period" supposed to end? Don't tell me. 4 years on and we are still crazy about each other.

Well, I did it. I had enough of contacting my developer, only to hear crickets in return. The only time he has gotten back to me in two weeks was on Friday, when I blew him up on all platforms until he fixed an issue that was occurring at a very critical hour (an issue that only happened because of his laziness.)

So I did it. No, I still haven't fired him (I should have done that a month ago - it's too late now unless I want to guarantee this project to be LATE), but I "tattled" to the agency I hired him through. They are sending him a stern email. I hope this rattles his cage enough to finish his part by Thursday. If he doesn't, then I am truly up a creek. If he isn't finished by Sep 1 at 11:59pm, he is well and truly FIRED and I have my job listing set to post at 12am Sept 2nd. I will not continue to rely on such a fragile, lazy person, even if it means my project is entirely late.

I have really been beating myself up for allowing myself to be swindled like this. It's hard to accept that I have allowed myself to be put in this position. I spoke with my mother last night, and she said something that made me weep: "You can't be responsible for the shortcomings of other people."

It's a freeing thought. Even in hindsight, there was no indication that this would go so completely sideways. When he set the second deadline to 7/26 (and then was a day late, as usual) he SHOWED ME the finished project, and said that it would be done and sent to me by midnight that night! Obviously, that didn't happen, but since I SAW the product that day, I thought he was closer than he apparently was.

As it stands, he has not shown me enough evidence that he is going to be finished by Thursday. He may be finished Sunday, but that is not what we've agreed to, and I am done bending timelines for this jerk. I asked his agency to also request that I get access to whatever little this clown HAS finished, so that at least I won't be starting over from square one.

Needless to say, he will not be receiving the full final payment we agreed to at the start of this project. He will be lucky to get one red cent out of me.

Anyway, this has set me miles back in terms of trusting people. That's probably not fair, but it's been proven time and time again that when I need to rely on anyone besides myself, they invariably fail me. And yet my patience remains stupidly long. I am far too kind to people who do not deserve it.

Well, my developer is alive. He says he has been evicted. I'm rather surprised that, even with a supposed eviction hanging over his head, that he wasn't more motivated to get paid? I don't trust anything this person says anymore, but from what I have seen of him, he is certainly the type to be evicted.

In any case, I did finally get access to the admin console of the program I paid for. It is buggy BEYOND belief - a well-intentioned junkyard. The only thing I still need is the source code itself, which he is stalling for. I'm not paying him for the remainder, and I've opened up a dispute against him to get the down-payment back, which is why I believe he finally came out of the woodwork and gave me the console. Late, incomplete, shoddy work, but at least I have it. If he sends me the source code, I may have mercy, just to be done with him and conclude our business entirely.

In any case, I've found a new developer to help me take this (now awfully urgent) project to the finish line for me. I've spoken to 6 different people, and most of them are excellent. One of them has already started helping me and he hasn't even officially accepted the offer yet. I have a good feeling, but I would feel miles better if my lackadaisical previous dev would JUST PLEASE send me the source code. It's the final piece I am missing, and frustrating me to no end.

I was going to go on a trip this weekend, but instead I spent it harassing that old dev to send me what I need (what I paid for!). I called him every hour on the hour, morning noon and evening. He hasn't blocked my number yet, but he never picks up the call.

It's funny, I've worked with people from all over the globe, and the WORST hire I ever made, the shadiest person I have had the displeasure of working with, is an American.

Anyway, sorry for all the drama. I have allowed this person to blow up my project timeline and I have now allowed them to agitate me. I apparently do not suffer fools gladly!

Let's balance that out with how otherwise restful my weekend was. I got to spend the whole weekend with my sister, and we had a lovely time. Watched SO MANY movies, went out for drinks at a local place, and got ice cream. She is just the coolest, but she fixates on the little things that don't matter. If she has one awkward moment in public, and she beats herself up about it forever. She can't just let things go. I told her, when someone pulls a bonehead move in traffic, you might curse them for 10 seconds, and then you forget about it. You don't remember every person who ever minorly inconvenienced you - they certainly don't remember you for some perceived slight.

Ok well, fingers crossed for a lucky week!

- Zaphod

Star date 12-9-2022 is a lucky one indeed!

First, I woke up this morning with plenty of time to eat breakfast before leaving for work. Then, I nailed exactly $20.00 at the pump. That's when I knew it was going to be a good day.

It's been very hot, but today there is a cool breeze, and the sun isn't so intense.

The good luck continued when I was awarded the ruling against my (previous) terrible developer and got my money back!

My new (terrific) developer is just putting the finishing touches on my program - I'll be finalizing my project this week.

This is the best Monday I've had in a long while.

Monday again! What a week. Work has been chill, so that's given me lots of time and energy to give to myself.

Every day last week, I thought I would finish my project - but then I would run into a snag. And the snag would be fixed and the next day I'd try again and hit another snag! 7 days, 7 snags, and my release date is Thursday. Honestly, with every fix I am getting closer and closer to the real finish. I am frustrated, yet optimistic. I bought myself a VR headset to celebrate, and it's arriving Wednesday, so I'd better be finished by then!!

On Saturday, a friend came to visit. We had planned on a day of video games, but when my friend got there, they wanted to watch a movie instead. We started the movie, talked through the trailers, then paused it on the first frame because we wanted to go get some snacks (my house is usually devoid of such things, as I have no self-control and a crazy sweet-tooth.)

We got back from the store, got the food situated, sat down on the couch and just kept talking. The movie never got past that first frame! I guess we needed to catch up. It was a nice time.

On Sunday, I went with my sister to a craft show. There is always something creative and inventive to buy. This time, there was even an artist selling taxidermy bugs - from scorpions and grasshoppers to butterflies and moths! It was good to catch up with her, too. She is house-sitting for our parents this month, and so is not living with me for the time being.

On my way home, I stopped to pick up some fantastic pastries. I'm never down that way anymore, and this particular café makes the most delicious pastries in the world. I picked some up for my coworkers as well.

I've been trying to be more thoughtful of others, to remember details about what they tell me and to sometimes give them well-considered gifts. It's a habit like any other - at first, it was difficult. Now it is less difficult, but certainly not easy. I wish that extra dose of kindness came to me as easily as it comes to my mother.

And speaking of parents, I still haven't spoken to my father. It's now been 5 months and unfortunately, it's starting to really affect my mother (dad has finally stopped stalking me and now apparently claims that there is and never was a problem.) She wants to mediate, she wants me to send a list of my "demands," as though this is some kind of union strike. It isn't. You can't negotiate decency. I think that's what I finally came to realize. We've spent this whole time walking on eggshells, hoping that maybe if we just did every little thing exactly right, that he wouldn't be such a monster. We could just manage his insane emotions ourselves! No. There is no magic string of words, no perfect seating arrangement, no correct tone or facial expression that you can perform to make him not be who he is. I'm done with it. I'm not going to bend over backwards anymore for someone who WANTS to be inhuman. Why should I sacrifice my peace of mind and safety for this person? He continues to behave this way because we have all shown him that he can. He can shriek at us, get in our faces, intimidate us and it's fine because we have always come back for more abuse. Well I'm not coming back anymore until I see a change in behavior, and I know that will not happen until he gets professional help. There is something broken in him that I know he can't AND doesn't want to fix.

I would absolutely give him another chance if he only would get help. Obviously I'd need to see changes as well, but getting help is the first step. But of course I know he would never sign up and pay for help. I'm not stupid enough to hope for it. That's why "negotiating" is useless: there is no scenario where he signs up for therapy of any kind.

I know it isn't actually my fault, but I still feel terrible to see my mother so upset. I told her that we can still get meals etc, it's not from her that I'm distancing myself, but she says that my father not being included would make things "awkward" - which of course I know is code for how miserable my father would make her. I remember, when things were really bad in high school and friends would offer that I could spend the night, I would always tell them the same thing: "It would only make things awkward."

I need to do what's best for my own personal safety, and if that makes my mother upset, she needs to open her eyes. I am not looking forward to the holidays. It's going to break her heart if I'm not there.

Another perfect weekend for the history books. My roommate and I played video games late into the night on Friday and Saturday, and then Sunday I had lunch with my sister and our Papa, followed by dinner with a best friend.

I've always managed to feel contented, even when things were not ideal, but lately I don't just feel happy, but consistently happy. All areas of life are currently fulfilled:

• Work has been good (got a raise last week and approval for a 3 week vacation!)
• Personal work has been good (my current major project is finished as of last week.) Enrichment has currently been in the form of audiobooks rather than physical books, which is an unexpected departure from my snobby, bibliophilic opinions.
• Connection has been good with family, friends, and even peripheral acquaintances (I just received and mailed a letter to a new pen pal!)
• Downtime has been restful. I make time to do nothing, or to do things just for fun like playing music or videogames
• Keeping up with chores has been good - my room is clean and continues to be so!
• Exercise has been consistent also, even with the heatwave that continues to be a factor.

I think the area I could improve at the moment would be health. I need to schedule some doctor appointments I have been putting off, and my diet could be a touch better with effort.

I also need to start planning my trip! I'll be traveling with my lovely SO - 55 days from now we will be on a plane, together again at last.

Hasta luego,

Zaphod

I know it's been a while since I last wrote. Here's what we can catch up on:

1. I am invincible to the 'rona. My roommate had it the entire week we were hanging out, and when she finally showed symptoms I figured I was done for. Not so! I've been negative with no symptoms for 2 weeks now.
2. Dates have been set for my and SO's 3 week vacation, from end of Nov to mid-Dec! We are so excited to see each other again and travel to 3 different countries! We even scheduled days before our trip to sit around and do nothing together, as downtime is important to us as well. We've missed being couch potatoes together!
3. I gave in to guilt trip my mother has me on and scheduled a day to "hash it out" with my father. I plan to make it clear to him that this one chance that he gets is for my mother, and if things don't change then that's it. I'll let my mother know this as well.
   

I think there are two major things that are irking me about this. One is that my mother arranged all of this when what I need to see is effort from my father. The second is that I know this person needs professional help, and I know that he will not respect what I have to say without a mediator there to keep him in check.

I tried to insist on a family therapist, but of course my father would never under any circumstances go to a therapist. So I know this is doomed from the start.

There is a third irksome thing, too. My mother insists on being there. On the one hand, she will get a first hand, unbiased view of what occurs in this meeting. On the other hand, I know that she will insert herself into the conversation, whether that is misinterpreting what either of us say or defending us from each other, which is not what we need. What we need is a professional in these matters, who has no skin in the game.

She (my mom) also wants my little sister to be there. I disagree. My sister is a very fragile person who would need a safe environment to even have a chance for this conversation to be tolerable for her, and since the therapist is a no-go, I am putting my foot down. She will not be there. She will not be cannon fodder for this aggressive and unstable man to throw around.

It just sucks. I think my dad would have a chance at being a decent person if he just got the help he needs. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking that, or maybe it's a pipedream anyway, and it wouldn't help much at all, and it's safe to think that that is the solution because I know he will die before trying that.

Wow. Anyway, I've been compartmentalizing this stupendously and have a lot of fun things planned with friends. Even on the 16th, which is when I enter the Thunderdome with that jerk, I'll be taking time away from an all-weekend hangout with my friends. It feels good to have something nice to retreat to, rather than being alone with all the ugly thoughts.