Captain's Log

Life is pretty good right now, despite my SO being overseas since January. We are both quite independent people, and although we have had an easier time with this separation than I'm sure most would, of course we miss each other. SO will return in November. 315 days away in total, but I didn't do the math or start counting until I knew we were halfway through - too depressing otherwise.

I tend to be very detached by nature, so it's nice to feel myself miss someone this much. I think I could let myself miss SO a lot more, but I'm so occupied by work and side projects I don't stew on it all day. It's also easy to think that, by this time next year, this "lost time" will feel so short in hindsight.

- Zaphod

I hate that I am so like my father. I mean yeah, I'll take the super smart brain and mad alcohol tolerance, but it comes with such a horrendous mean streak. Irritable and impatient when others disappoint me, even in objectively minor ways. I have a tendency to condescend, belittle, and snipe. It takes real effort to be kind. Kindness comes so easily to my mother. I always think of myself first, then everyone else. Mom thinks of others before herself to an irresponsible degree. I wish I had got even a fraction of that quality.

The only upside is that, unlike my father, I tend to cry rather than shout when something sets me off. It was rough growing up with a deluge of tears always at the ready, and even now I tend to cry much more than the average person. If crying and yelling are the only release valves, then I don't mind - humiliating myself is preferable to screaming at someone.

- Zaphod

I had these typed up, wasn't sure if I wanted to post all of it. Well thank you @brightPenguin4569 for the encouragement, you've opened the floodgates. No going back now!

It's important to remember that progress is not linear. I'm working on accepting myself when I fall short. I hate making mistakes or messing up. It's never paralyzed me, but I do beat myself up quite a lot. I thought I had been doing better this past year, but it turned out I just hadn't really made any major errors for a while. I made an error last week that I didn't notice until this afternoon, and I can feel the burning heat behind my face right now. Makes me want to scream. Avoiding negative self-talk is exceedingly difficult in these moments. I can feel myself catastrophizing what this will mean for x, y, and z down the road.

But it wasn't even an expensive mistake. It's easily rectified, I just don't like feeling like a fool. I am hyper-competent, and that has caused me to value myself only by what I can do. I'll get better at this, maybe never perfect, but better. This anger at myself today is just my choice today - I can make better choices for myself tomorrow and moving forward.

Made another mistake today, bigger than yesterday's mistake! But I didn't beat myself up about it so much. Progress!

My roommate got home from a trip last week. I get such a mood boost just from them being around. They are so pleasant to be around, and we have fun even doing the most mundane things. It's kind of like having a teammate around the house.

I feel blissful today. The fact that it's Friday probably helps, but I don't think it's the only reason. I've been keeping up with my fitness goals, and my mind and body both feel better for it. I think a lot of the reason I was such a happy child was that I was always very active - opportunities to be active tend to vanish as one gets older. When I think back to college, my best semesters involved a kinesiology elective.

Yesterday while I was whacking the ol' tennis ball against the wall, I saw a small band of kiddos come down to play handball. It was nice to see. Last time I saw a kid at that park was about a month ago, and he was playing a videogame on the bench while his father played basketball - it was rather sad. I hope the young ones of today learn to recognize the advantages of running around being silly, if they have parents that allow them to.

I had the most relaxing weekend I've had in a long time. Leisurely Saturday, doing laundry and watching my roommate play a videogame. Not long ago, I would have considered that a wasted day. It feels good to be able to appreciate relaxation time.

Then Sunday, I went to my usual café to draw and eat crepes. This time my roommate came too, and we went to the furniture store afterwards to find a new couch. I like our current couch, but I guess my roommate has bad associations with it and wants a change. I'm excited, we are getting a sectional - I'll be able to lie flat without my feet hanging over the arm!

Then I went shopping - it's my sister's birthday this month, and my friend's too. Lots to prep for! I'm making my sister a cake/cupcake combo, themed after her favorite show. I hate cooking, but I really enjoy baking - especially decorating.

At the end of this week, my friend is having their birthday party. I'm always caught flat-footed with gifts - we've been friends for so long I've run out of ideas. I found a pretty vase on clearance, I think I'm going to decorate it with drawings of their favorite things. As soon as I get home from that party, it's my sister's birthday the very next day, so I'll have to get baking as soon as I get back!

Last item - as of yesterday it is officially 100 days until I see my SO!!!! I'm so excited. When they get back, we have a lot of things planned, including a 3 week trip around Europe! Can't wait. We have also planned just a lazy day, where we will do nothing but eat junk and watch movies on the couch. I think we both miss the "boring" or mundane things about being together. How special it is just to be next to one another.

My dev is really pissing me off. I hired this clown in MAY, it is now AUGUST. The initial deadline that *he himself set* for this project was JUNE 10!!! Then he dropped off the map for THREE WEEKS, and I messaged him every single day to either give me an update or send me any files he had already created, so that I could hire someone else. He comes out of the woodwork at the end of JUNE from what he describes as a "mental breakdown" (the reason he gave was the Roe v Wade overturning?!!?!?!?) at this point, I told him to just give me whatever he has and I'll find someone else.

This is where I really messed up - we had a call and he ended up convincing me that he could finish it by JULY 25. I chose to believe him because 1) he made it sound like this disappearance was a one time fluke that would never happen again and 2) I figured I couldn't find another dev, get them up to speed, and have final files by JULY 25 anyway. PLUS, I've already spent $500 to retain this jerk, that I wouldn't get back.

I don't think this shmuck ever took the 25th seriously. My condition for letting him continue was that we have WEEKLY meetings, so that I could make sure he was on track and making progress. First meeting went great, but the next meeting he skipped. I said "Hey, you agreed to these weekly meetings, we need to meet every Friday as discussed" and he had the gall to claim that there was some "confusion" and he would send me his availability - when he finally did, he was only "available" AFTER our agreed upon deadline of JULY 25.

I told him this was not acceptable. We met on JULY 26 and he shows me that the project is DONE, there is just one bug to work out, but he will have it to me by the next day, JULY 27. I say "ok" like a damn fool.

Since then, he has done nothing but jerk me around. It's AUGUST 9 and I've got a serious deadline coming up. I had built SO MUCH extra time into this project to account for delays, and he has obliterated WEEKS, MONTHS of that time. It's problem after problem, error after error, excuses EXCUSES all of the time, and now I am up against a very nasty deadline - but don't worry, he has AsSuReD me that it will be finished tonight! HAHA. On top of this, he shared yesterday that he has been laid off at his day job. Wow, what a surprise, right?! You mean they don't want an employee who is flakey, can't understand deadlines, and gets "confused" about regular meetings??? Unimaginable.

I feel like a fool. I should have known better than to trust him after his little meltdown. I should have searched for a new developer right then. Accept the loss of the $500 down-payment, and find someone who [hopefully] has something on the damn ball!

I hate this. I hate that even when I PAY to have someone to rely on, I can't trust anyone to do anything for me. Fragile, incompetent, nothingburger people everywhere. It is ALWAYS down to me. The only shit that happens is shit that I make happen myself.

But I can't finish this project without the program he is coding. I need to have the next stage of this project finished in THREE DAYS. I am completely at his mercy at this point. At the mercy of a person who has given me no faith in his abilities, and it's my fault for continuing to trust him with this project.

Whirlwind weekend! Felt like a week packed into two days. So much fun. My friends and I spent the day at the beach on Saturday, just our old group from high school. It was so nice, felt just like old times! Strong waves left us all beat up and tired - my muscles are still sore two days later!

Then on Sunday, we went to a water park. Super fun time, although I was a little irritated with the park policy of dumping out all food and drink at the door - I'm not going to eat some overpriced greasy crap at the park. I was able to argue and get my way, but the whole day was like that with the staff - just irritating, useless or outright harmful rules, and I did grumble about them to my friends a bit too much, I think.

One thing I was very happy about was that our friend's fiancé was not able to attend either Saturday or Sunday's events. Most of my friends and I are of the mind that SO's should only attend certain functions - not EVERY function. Some things are only for friends, I think. On top of that, none of us like our friend's fiancé very much at all.

That said, our friend is extremely co-dependent on this fiancé and they are therefore ALWAYS around, unfortunately. So it was fantastic just to be with our friend, who is a lovely person.