BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread
@CaloenasNicobarica Excellent idea, to find a place to chat so as not to drown the feed with our verbosity, prolixity, and loquaciousness. Picky eater? Me? I just swallowed a thesaurus!
Speaking of the feed, thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been the easiest week or so. I have a lot of act to get together and sometimes it seems overwhelming. I'm a worrier and a chronic overthinker sometimes - in those moods I tend to withdraw.
My daughter can be counted on to vacuum up those nachos. Picky she isn't - nigh-omnivorous, rather. She even eats shrimp and scallops. Brr.
What's on your mind? How goes the math and programming?
@CaloenasNicobarica Ouch! I hope your ears are feeling better! My old boss here - before he left and I got his job - used to get ear infections every so often and I would needle him that he was the only adult I knew who kept getting them. Now there are two. 
My son was very prone to them when he was really little, actually - poor guy used to really suffer. We almost got to the point of having to put the tubes in his ears. So, I feel for you.
OMG, my ex used to do the 'blocking exit' thing too. When she had something on her mind, or needed to discuss something or get my agreement or whatever - it always had to be now, regardless of how I was feeling or what I was doing. She would stand in a doorway and badger me, and basically dare me to physically move her out of the way. I would ask her to excuse me and she would actually say, "Make me." Or, if she was on the warpath about something and I really didn't want to argue about it, say, in front of the kids, I might take refuge somewhere in the house and she would literally force doors open to get at me. I actually can remember once or twice she only backed off when I started dialing the township police. Absolutely no respect for boundaries.
Looking back, I can't believe that I used to live that way, and not so long ago, and I am so very sorry that you do at the moment. *Solidarity hugs*
A million bucks and a good mate! Wouldn't that be nice? I'm here to tell you, though, Nic, that the sky really is the limit for you in both of those areas and in all walks of life. And I don't say that to minimize or make light of the struggles I know you face with anxiety and depression, and recovery from some pretty scary stuff. Rather, I don't want you to lose sight of the potential you have and why those struggles are so worthwhile. You are so intelligent, and you may not have a 'traditional' background, but you're going to show yourself capable of many things that most people just can't do. I have a rough idea how young you are, and there's plenty of time for you to build a rewarding (in many senses) career. That translates into the personal / romantic sphere as well - you have loads of time and you'll find that you really stand out among your peers. You have so many interests and you're easy to talk to - just great company and that's where everything starts.
Thanks for asking about my daughter's soccer, but no games yet - her team is still practicing 3x/week. Games start around the start of the school year, so early September, I think. Don't even know what color shirts they will be. So I bring my 'soccer chair' and sit at the sidelines for practice, which I must admit is nice because it's time I can sneak a little reading in. (Finally finished that Hamilton biography!) Hopefully she starts the year better than I performed at my softball game yesterday - not a good day at the plate. One solid hit and got on base with my wheels another time after an infield bobble. Played a solid third base, though - not flawless, but hey, this isn't MLB.
Life is OK, thanks. I did lose that employee; he told me this evening that he's pretty set on this other opportunity. Too bad, and now I have to start recruiting with some urgency. It's my first resignation in 3 1/2 years running this group - not a bad streak, I suppose. I take some solace in the hope that I'm doing something right by growing people's careers to the point where I'm preparing them for better opportunities, even if they aren't here.
Not too much of a personal life outside my kids - things'll get a little busier when they start school, I guess. Sometimes I think I should be more social, but my heart's not always in it. I have this weekend free - still a strange feeling! Lots to get done around the house, and hey - I have been doing a little writing actually. Worked on some stuff last weekend and might get a few articles polished up to try and publish somewhere. I'm so critical of my own work, though. My own worst editor. You're a writer, I'm sure you know how that is!
And yay, math! Let's do it! I'll put off the marathon for a shot at some algebra. And I should be staying on solid ground for awhile, though in this crazy joint, you never know. If you mean next weekend (26th/27th), I have the kids but later in the evening works. Thursday / Friday look free. Friday night might be good, actually. How about for you?
How's everything on your end?
@BurkeDevlin
Yay, finally not stuck in bed! Thanks, my ears are doing better after that regimen and a lot of bed rest. Can't say the same for my report that needs to be completed. XD Oh well, lifey life life. Ear infections really suck. Misery loves company- wonder if he had chickenpox late as well? I got the "childhood" stuff later in life. This ear infection business I think needs to be taken to a specialist, though. It also might be connected to my allergies and some other stuff, either way! I'm glad they didn't have to use tubes on your son- ugh hate that kinda stuff. Make the poor little guy even more uncomfortable. Sounds like from what you're sayin' they're out of ear infection land, though! :)
Your ex... ;-; WTF. We need to lock her and puer in a vault. That's pretty much exactly what went on here, it's rare to explode into what it did....but when he sees me and I'm weak or something he can't handle it. First, there's a "discussion" that starts and is followed by an argument where I'm usually "wrong" about something. Even just talking nowadays turns into them saying "No, it's this." or a variation and HAVING to be RIGHT. Not sure how someone can exist solely to counter/argue/"SUGGEST". It's horrid- because politely saying or not being okay with them turns into these tantrums/wars. Emotional dysregulation to the max. Cannot tell you how freaky it was to see him with his eyes bulging out of his head and to pins saying, "I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU!" like a freakin' lunatic. Yeah, no. I recorded a minute of the tail end of the arguing which I will bring to my psych on Thursday. Though, it's probably just me trying to get him to "Leave me the hell alone!" and crying as he stomps, blocks, and freaks out. I keep saying next time I'm gonna phone the police- I really need to. It's scary and I don't like being seen or dealing with authorities- but seriously. For safety's sake if anything.
Like, I have a question if you don't mind? I don't have children in this situation- which I'm lucky for. But how do you deal with the aftermath of all that insanity via your ex? Do you explain to them how that's not how a proper person acts? How do you cope with that? I've seen a lot of children go to therapy sessions during divorces for this kinda stuff specifically. It's so easy to blame yourself when you're a wee one. That must have some different aspects to it. Sorry if it was out of bounds to ask. I was simply curious.
And thanks for the hugs! I send some back at you. *throws a hug into the transporter beam*
It'd be awesome if we had a million dollars and a good mate, but I'm just being bratty and going all nice gal TM. XD GRR! You're being so niiiiice! Damn you. My psych says the same stuff and then other people I've spoken with. Hopefully, this bizarre 32-year-old will have many gents and much money. XD In regards to this seriously, though... my situation with things and how chaotic things have gotten. I did yet another I Ching reading and got 37 Family, static. In relation to my academic studies and getting back on track. Basically, it's about knowing your role within a social construct. Apparently, I see it with great clarity. However, I'm not sure so much. By knowing this role I will be effective and have no difficulties. Hmm... I plan on bringing this to psych on Thursday. It's very possible what you speak of is my actual role that I cannot see through all the fog and calamity. I thank you for your words, and I will not throw them away. You're always so uplifting and empathetic to others and myself included. I only wish that I can have words for when you need them as well.
As for sports and family, it seems things are going to get rather busy for you! I have no idea what season is for what anymore. That's a lot of practice- that's good. Many victories to her and yourself as well. Wish I knew how to Klingon that right now. XD BTW What's the deal with this Hamilton thing I keep hearing about? Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Are people actually reading something interesting instead of the typical fanfic-y kinda stuff? That's refreshing, if so! And hey, at least you're doing something. It's good to get out there and at least deal with other humans and such. Feel like sports is more about improvement than anything.
It doesn't sound like it's anything personal from that gentleman, but I can definitely understand questioning yourself about it. 3 1/2 years is pretty good from what I've heard. Good luck with everything and sorting all that in order. Seems like you have a lot of chaos to put into order yourself. Remember to give yourself some down time! Hopefully, things are evening out for you.
Housework and writing, that sounds familiar. XD Articles? Hmm! It feels good to write and actually finish something. Though, it always seems incomplete some how or unfinished. Imperfect. Your own worst editor, indeed! I keep telling myself that revision is also part of the process. Though, that prima donna writer in me feels all huffy about it. C_C; What genre or type of articles are you working, if I may ask? Sounds pretty interesting. Good luck with your writing soul journey! <3
Grrr mathy maths! ;-; Algebra over a marathon, startling. XD But I am appreciative your eccentricities! Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed for anything on the previous weekend. My Thursday evenings are dedicated to shrink time so every week I'm booked at that time. Friday is pretty good for me the 25th, whenever you wanna ping me on that. Whenever on the weekend is fine, too. Just whenever you feel except Thursday. XD
Was gonna ask you about a good book to get as a physical copy for programming. Focused on Android preferably. Open to any computer science or other books or references that'd be good to have a physical copy of. And I hate to be a broken record, but could you look at these two math books I found on Amazon the other day? Curious which one you would recommend- or neither of them. XD I dunno! Feel like I need a physical book for my college algebra especially.
No-Nonsense Algebra by Richard W. Fisher and Practical Algebra: A Self-Teaching Guide, 2nd Ed. by Peter H. Selby.
Kinda leaning more towards the Practical one at this moment but not sure. Feel like I'd do better with the book besides the online class format which isn't necessarily bad. I like the quizzes they have and such. Hmm, just read that the Practical one doesn't have any graphs. Blah.
Besides that... life. Hung out outside yesterday for the eclipse. I live in an area where it got dim but not purely night. What a very eerie kind of thing. Did a little ritual outside this time and burnt offerings- it was also a new moon. You can't have an eclipse without a new moon. That was kind of nice. Been working on my spiritual cultivation again. Reading more esoteric works and the like. More focus on internal workings. It's been kinda diffcult lately. With the insanity and all.
And getting laughingly accused of being insane myself by the guy who freaked out and tantrummed for no freakin' reason. The other day when we were in the chatroom BSing someone jokingly called me insane as well. Really don't need to hear it. I get I have the mad nun or monk thing going on- but seriously. Been told by nutso people that I'm the one with problems far too long. ...and saying that makes me feel more...uh, out there. XD I reserve the right to be called nuts by people who know me well and find it endearing. lol I don't know.
It looks like my mobile dev class is NOT getting switched out. Talked to my mentor today and school policy states that due to the nature of the back and forth between the student and mentor you the classes are therefore static. Also brought up how I probably won't really be able to do algebra yet. He had a very ambitious solution. Basically, WORKING AROUND those classes. Now, most mentors would've stated I'm completely screwed! But technically, you can "accelerate" these extra classes regardless of having finished the other ones. So that's how I'm going to get my satisfactory academic progress. Looks like I can finally do this again. He's been positive and pretty good about it. So, yeah. Don't feel completely boned by it now. XD I still plan on studying algebra with you and Sal Khan, though! I WILL get it, damn it! I want to enjoy math as much as I enjoy the sciences.
And how's life for you this week/weekend? Things calming down?
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! Thinking of you and hoping your psych session went well tonight. If you need to talk or vent about how it went, please feel free. Hopefully he or she can give you some understanding and some tips for dealing with the arguments and everything, because I know better than most how stressful that can make someone's home.
It really is such a challenge to divorce with kids, and try and shield them from all of the insanity. Was I (am I) always perfect? No, for sure. But I can say truthfully that I've always tried. You have to walk a fine line between letting them know what's normal and what's not acceptable, versus not trying to badmouth or turn them against the other parent. Especially after it became clear that there was no point in arguing, when she got on the warpath and it was really bad, I tended to just leave the room or, if necessary, the house. She hated that. So she would manipulate my daughter into feeling like I was leaving her, and tearfully asking me not to do that. Yeah. What was I supposed to say? All I could say was that I know how upset she got when mommy and I would fight, so I was doing everything I could to make that not happen.
I just can't tell them their mom is a nutjob. It wouldn't be fair to them. It is their mom. I think the best I can do, especially since I have my own house with them now, is try and set an example for how people in a household ought to behave. They're smart kids, they'll see the difference between how things go down in one house vs. the other. A couple of weekends ago, my daughter asked to talk to me, on the verge of tears. She was straightening up her room and tried to pull something off the wall that was stuck, and ended up ripping the drywall a little. She tried googling for how to fix it, tried mixing her paints to approximate the color of the wall in hopes she could hide it, and finally came and fessed up.
I just couldn't get mad at her. I gave her a hug and told her not to stress and that her feelings were more important than the rip in the wall, she offered to pay the cost of the fix out of her birthday money, and I said absolutely not. It was OK, and we'd figure it out.
My ex? Yeah, she would've freaked.
The Hamilton craze hasn't reached your neck of the woods? There is a huge hit show on Broadway based on Hamilton and his life. I'd love to go see it, but I'd need that million dollars and a good mate. So at least I read the biography it was based on. My mom gave it to me after she finished it. Great book, but pretty intense. For a pallete cleanser, I'm reading this much shorter book about the Compromise of 1850. I enjoy US political history with a passion that probably explains why I have so few friends.
Speaking of which, some of what I'm writing is in that vein, with an eye towards starting a blog. I figure, if I get a head start with a bunch of stuff pre-written, I won't get discouraged when weeks like this happen where I can't really focus on any kind of hobbies or recreational writing. I would like at least a few people to see the things I think are interesting (history, math, whatever else) the way that I see them and I hope I'm talented enough to do that. I'm also writing some 'professional' stuff on topics like information theory and some favorite textbooks; might post that on LinkedIn as well if any of it turns out any good.
Good Lord, this post is getting pretty nerdy. Sorry 'bout that. How about you, prima donna? You probably have less time than you'd like to write as well, but are you working on anything interesting?
Sal and I stand ready to assist you in not only getting your algebra done, but loving it! Hope to 'see' you tomorrow.
Have a great night!
@BurkeDevlin
Sounds like you had a rough week! Don't they say things happen in threes? Sounds like you had six. X___X; You recoverin' okay? Making sure to rest your weary bones and all? I really don't know how you do all that. Very impressive, it sounds daunting to a life newbie like me!
Balancing work life and your family obligations. I'm glad you're making time for them. Even the seemingly smallest kindnesses are remembered fondly. <3 Don't worry about the other threads so much. Sounds like we both had our rush of insanity lately. Variations, of course.
Yeah, those math books. O____O; Not sure what to do about them. My online course is interactive and has little mini certification and problem generators which I'm cool with. Sometimes they give you too much info to slog through, sometimes hardly any. Most of the time it feels like "Here's the thing. Do it." I even got video seminars from my professors that I watch but there's so much to go through and sometimes the topic isn't even covered. Khan Academy will cover things quite well but sometimes they'll order stuff differently and it's hard to find in comparison to my other study material. Takes a lot of digging to find what I really need. So something comprehensive but will explain decently. Whatever techniques work and make sense are fine with me! I learn by doing a lot. Sometimes I need to read it, but I'm practically a rainbow with my learning styles- I need a little bit from every type.
As far as the topics go for this time- intro to the coordinate/Cartesian plane and graphing linear equations. My main problem is figuring out the weird equations they want you to do. I'll try to study the lesson a bit more before I study with you later. I originally got freaked out because the problems were appearing in a lesson where they were only hinted at and not wholly covered. I'm okay with the quadrants and basic navigation of the plane. But these silly equations trouble me. I can easily get a picture uploaded later of practice problems or what have you. Also, OMFGWTFBBQ fractions on the coordinate plane. *dies* Being a melodramatic teenager here for a sec. XD
Psych stuff went alright. Might come back to that topic in a bit. There were a lot of bitter truths, especially about myself. Remembering things can be hard and sometimes I don't remember all of them. Not sure if I mentioned this...but... I essentially can't remember 70% of my past. Only snippets, feelings, and the general state of things. Though some memories resurface, others I wish wouldn't. Don't really think I'm missing anything, honestly.
By whatever Divinities be floating about, that sounds very bitter-sweet. Even though I felt a great deal of sadness and weight in your words, I could feel the earnest, unconditional acceptance and love of your daughter. Totally know how that feels with the screwing up only to be faced by a psycho parent. Also why I struggle with math so much. I'm just glad you're simply showing your humanity and dadness. It was heartbreaking to read that, and must've been so scary for her. She went to such lengths to cover it up, but it was very brave for her to finally come to you and admit it. Truth is the first step to being a lady. It's such a frightening place to be when truth is seen as an "assault". Thanks for responding to that question. Even though we're pretty different and I'm not a parent, I still feel for your plight and send my well wishes for their future and yours. Stability, prosperity, growth, and healing.
Dunno how many people are all Hamilton crazy here per-say. Just see a lot of stuff online, where I pretty much conduct my business mostly. I live in a weird pocket where fidget spinners are still huge and sold out. Not many people around here are interested in American stuff, mostly inflammatory kind of uniqueness to put it politely. Which is sad, because I feel like American history is especially compelling in the times we live in. But Hamilton might bridge the gap over here? I don't know. Don't really talk to physical people much. Hopefully, that'll change soon. Interesting books you read. We need scholars of all kinds, you know! Maybe you'd be a good museum curator? That passion could egg on future generations to be intrigued! It's a beautiful thing, indeed. ...and you stop with those digs on yourself! Yeah, it's no doubt nerdy. But that doesn't mean it isn't part of us. That we can't be liked for being fodder for shoving into lockers! What I've learned lately is that we ARE good enough, even with our dorky, nerdy ass selves. You especially fine sir.
Would love to see your works. I can give them a look over if you want, but I sure ain't a professional. Sounds like you have a solid goal. With all the chaos and hellfire it can turn recreational/hobby kinda stuff into pressured and not fun. Have heard that giving yourself small goals like writing even one sentence can help you start when things get rough. I don't doubt your talent. Good luck with everything. Hope you find some calm within the storm to hammer out some articles.
I'm donna-ing and prima-ing like you wouldn't believe. My time management needs serious work, then I think it'd come to fruition. Maybe I could cut time from the big block of ethereal Chronos or something. Am editing a paper right now for a science class, asked for help from someone and they took over half of the paper. Lazy part of me is somewhat happy, rest of me is infuriated since I need to do it myself. Would've done it myself if I wasn't so tired and spacing out.
Besides that, I wrote a short story about a man and woman meeting in their hometown. Within this forest where a bizarre occurrence happens- inspired by Edogawa Rampo's works in an Ero-Guro vein. Another story I haven't finished is one where a woman is shopping with a man on a fine day, and she eats him alive while going on a shopping spree. Usually, it's a woman who is on the receiving end of selling herself off in this way. Thought it'd be interesting to have a role reversal. Anyone can sell their souls and their very blood. Do you write many short stories? I bet you'd write some good period pieces. You seem very thorough and detailed, so I'm curious how you're fiction would turn out. Not the product outlines or what have you. XD
Woot! Dad jokes everywhere. Can't wait to see what you're made of with this terrifying math stuff! Someone that tamed the fire-breathing dragon, I'm learning wizardy! Ping me on here when you're ready and we can get started.
Mini Rant.
Puer's been on a "health kick" after he decided to lose weight because "his brother is a fatass". C____C; So there's been this weird competition going on that I don't even want where he brags about losing weight and counting calories. I've just kept quiet and did my thing. He walks up to me today saying that he's into WELLNESS- and that he's "mentally, spiritually and physically at peace home". ....Y'know... yeah. No words. The punky teenager in me scoffs and asks wtf he's smoking. So many issues with this guy that are pretty much being ignored and not addressed. Reminds me of how brave people are on here to face their own problems/troubles and improve.
As someone who IS trying to focus on wellness, and with all the ways to focus on wellness or health... Can totally tell you that virulent mentality ain't gonna help anything. The things that fall out of the mouth of these types. It's hard but, I'm trying to just look at things objectively and observe without interacting or taking the bait. Swear it's like some people live on a different plane.
@CaloenasNicobarica I'll set up the thread for our study session in a little bit and tag you. Working on getting it started.
@CaloenasNicobarica Well, I hope you had as much fun with that algebra as I did.
And I am trying to get some rest as best I can this weekend. I'm realizing how long it's been since I had an actual vacation (April), and thinking I need a little time off in the fall. Today I just did some yard work and other stuff around the house, then the kids came by and we've been hanging out.
I don't you'd mentioned that there are so many things you can't remember, although you've alluded to the way you've had to grow up and I know you're pretty estranged from your family. It really seems like you're being called upon to do something that most of us couldn't really even contemplate. To overhaul your life and conquer so many demons without even the support of a healthy family behind you. I mean, at least I have / had that - so I can't even imagine. I'd like you to know that someone understands just how difficult it is, but nevertheless believes you are a special breed that can and will create her happiness. You have the courage to look to the way you want to live and to take the actions that will bring you there. I am really, really impressed by that.
We all have those bitter truths. Just remember that some of them aren't such truths at all, but our minds' way of holding us back a little. Also, don't judge yourself too harshly on them, and above all don't let them dictate your future. And I know you're too smart to get sucked into any kind of calorie-counting competitions with Puer. It's great if he wants to improve himself, physically or otherwise - sounds like a weak motivation, but hey, whatever works. Just don't let him make you feel badly in any way, OK?
Hmm. You're right, of course, about 'good enough'. I struggle with that a lot, beneath the self-deprecating jokes - I mean, I always have somewhat, but you got me thinking about how it's been different lately. Part of it is starting to reach an age when you begin to fear the slide into irrelevancy both socially and professionally. I understand in my head that it doesn't have to be that way, but it feels like it for me. Mainly, though, I just really don't fit in where I live. It's not a geek-friendly sort of place. People are nice and all, but it's very blue-collar and anti-intellectual. The Boston area was totally different - I felt more comfortable being me with all of my quirks. Everyone else here is a ruggedly attractive sports fanatic - my 'math professor' schtick doesn't play.
Thanks for your interest in my stuff! I'll see if I can find a way to pass some drafts under the table to you when they're ready. Your opinions would be very valuable! It's always nice to get another pair of eyes, especially another writer, and actually an intelligent person (like you) who may not be familiar with the subject of the articles would be absolutely golden. Because the idea is to educate and inform the people who would seek these topics out; i.e., those who aren't familiar with them but have the intellectual curiosity to want to learn more.
I think my fiction would turn out pretty messy! I love your ideas and would love to read them if it's possible, but no pressure. I write fiction really badly - haven't even tried in so long - because I don't write characters well. How do you write the actions and motivations - not to mention dialogue - for a character that's nothing like you? Like I admit - I don't think I could write a believable female character, because obviously I've never been one.
A lot of the sci-fi I've read suffers from this, actually. (So maybe I don't feel so bad.) I prefer 'hard SF' with a basis in at least theoretically realistic extrapolations of 'real' science, but some writers who are magnificent at coming up with grand, thought-provoking ideas aren't as good at making the characters three-dimensional and the dialogue realistic and it just takes you out of the story.
Maybe one day I'll try again. Like if all this work stress causes a breakdown and I end up getting fired with lots of time on my hands. Period pieces? Intriguing idea. I actually have ideas floating around, to the tune of exploring the interconnectedness between different times and places. Sounds vague, but it is vague at the moment. I'm a bit fascinated by human longevity - the idea that a child and a very elderly person can be the same person, having lived in two very disjoint times in history. Like, it blows my mind that my parents were alive at the same time as veterans of the Civil War.
Have a great rest of the weekend, you budding math wizard!
@BurkeDevlin
Have to admit, was pretty nervous! I felt pretty vulnerable and kinda struggling with toxic shame at having to admit my lack of understanding. It's something I'm working on. Shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mentality. Hoo, complete flip. In the end, it was actually quite enjoyable and informative. So I'm glad that you could provide me with an opportunity to address my mathematical vulnerabilities. <3
Glad to hear you're taking some time for yourself. From what you've said on here, you certainly do deserve a vacation! Seriously. Room service and all! Do you go by yourself or with your children typically? I guess it matters? I've no idea about that kinda stuff. Either way, some R&R should be had. Memories made and all that.
I was at one point worried I had DID or some disassociative disorder besides my other stuff. Took this huge 200 or so question quiz and had my psych figure it out. I do have some disassociation going on, but not like DID or something. Maybe the closest would be DD-NOS or something? Can't remember.... LOL. I kinda laugh at it because I judge writers harshly who use the amnesiac hero trope too often. XD Anyway, it freaks me out if I think about it too much. It's no wonder I have a meltdown every so often or get anxious/panic/depressed. Just overwhelmed. I'm just glad others don't have to deal with this- because(perhaps, being melodramatic) they probably would've either offed themselves or died. I don't really talk about everything that went on... and I don't mean to be all speshul snowflayke. Not meant to be all Les Miserables or something, it's just I have no idea how I even did looking back- on the fragments at least. I thank you for your gentle kindness, it's kind of embarrassing to me. XD But it's nice.
Oh, and that reminds me...you wanted a ritual or some kind of methods for cleansing and returning your home space to your own. Hit me up one of these days and we can figure out what is meaningful to you to essentially reshift those energies. If it gets too fruity, tell me. XD
The age when guys buy sports cars and date younger women type of thing? That's not cool. Know when I hit 30 I had a meltdown, so can only imagine how that must feel. Especially with the situation you got going on. It sounds like you might have some grief to work through. Which is nothing to be ashamed of. I could be wrong. You've said a lot about how you don't fit in there. Well, what you said before about Boston and how you were connected to the historical aspects of it sounded "welcoming" or at least gave that feel. But, what if that feeling doesn't go away even when you're there? The grass is greener on the other side as they say. But that doesn't mean you should keep stuck in a place you don't like. And for what it's worth, I absolutely love dealing with you. And as you've said to me many times, you will find those who will respect and share in your accomplishments positively. There is a place for you, and I think you can do great things still. Your dreams at right there for the taking. Listen to your historical scholarly heart. And! If anything older guys who are truly mature are more attractive than insecure young'uns. Just an aside. XD
I like geek(typed greek on accident) kind of stuff and would actively join a Fleet Ship. Been burned by the local geek culture and even the ones up north aren't exactly accepting of me. I don't go around picking fights or alphaing everywhere. Just... seriously. Geeks around here love Puer(and where I go where there's more geekiness) , but absolutely cannot endure me. Maybe it was because of my awkwardness- but...geeks. O_O; Heaven knows what would happen in Seattle or near there. I find it tiring. But I do understand about wanting to be accepted for who you are and being in an area where you can get your geek/quirks on. It's just sad when other geeks follow a dogma and such. Not to mention my political views are vastly different, even with my in the middle stance with very slight conservative leaning views.
Feel like with geek culture and around where I live for being "for the people, by the people" these people will rip you apart if you say something they dislike and are not completely assimilated. It's gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable joking or even talking about certain subjects in public due to the liberal bullying that happens. Have you heard of the Evergreen stuff? Seriously. That's the area I deal with. Not cool. Thought different points of view and beliefs should be appreciated? Nope. Same thing in geek culture. I dislike cosplay/conventions and have straight up been told by other people to go sleep with a bunch of guys, do drugs, and get drunk because I'm not "open-minded" enough. I liked old school cons, and such but...nowadays the culture is different and very competitive/negative. It's sad. We should be celebrating our mutual likes not embracing petty narcissism. So I have to hide the fact I dislike it. And wish I could just tell those people they didn't invent those characters, so quit acting like you're all awesome for portraying something elaborately. It does take skill, but don't gloat over playing dress-up. From someone who wears gypsy clothing, petticoats, 50s dresses, goth and loli-esqe stuff. I refuse to be "unique" in a way that is enforced by these subcultures. Rant over. Sorry about that Burkeyboo. I just hope that the geek movement or whatever finds its true heart of misfit acceptance- like the dorky kids we probably both used to be who sat at the table with the other nerds and discussed this and that.
My eyes are yours for that endeavor. XD I know there's the literature club on here, or you could just post it in here. Intelligent? COO! *flaps wings* I guess. I can't wait to see what you come up with! We need more good quality articles in this world of celebrity click bait. One of these days I'll post some of my work after some revision, it's...uh...lacking in quality as of late- mainly due to putting off writing. Anyway, fiction can be tricky- especially where you have to craft a world of your own out of scratch for fantasy/scifi or do a historical based one(unless that's your jams). So, Stan Lee taught me a lot about writing. It's called the F--- it adjustment. Sometimes you just gotta say to hell with this and just do whatever. Gamma radiation. Poof. There's a documentary about him on Netflix that gave me a lot of ideas as to the F-- it adjustment that needs to be implemented when getting obsessed about the details. Other than that, practice. And don't be afraid to use tropes. I usually don't balk at gender anymore, it's one aspect but the trope or schtick is more important for characters. Who knows? Maybe not. XD But things are there to be used as a reason, plenty of guys can write female characters decently. Just takes practice and introspection, and the F--- it adjustment. lol It's so easy to get stuck on the facts and then characters are secondary like you said with hard scifi.
Thinking of aging that way almost makes it sound foreign. I guess when you really take time to think about it, it's freakin' amazing. Especially with ancestors like you described. Bringing that kind of thinking to the table would make for an interesting novel. Showing that connection, but also the opposing aspect of change and historical influences. Think you have something here.
Here it is the middle of the week. Hope you're faring well. And that no one else decides to quit or chew the wires!
How's life? School started, so probably pretty busy?
Seriously. Vacation. Even if it's a day trip. You deserve it.
Hm, dunno if I should call them liberals or more SJWs. Feels like the latter is more appropriate because you can be liberal and not an SJW, maybe? Then again, I don't know. I don't care for sharing my political beliefs, have seen you have troubles on here due to it- seemed like a misunderstanding or something...I dunno. But either way, it's kinda hard bein' in the middle with things with all the splitting. Remember you said you were in the middle, left leaning. Which is totally cool. Guess us middlers will have to stick together. lol
Anyway, sorry for whinin' about the decline of nerd culture and that kind of stuff. Been pretty depressed and not feeling very accepted IRL- here is fine, though. So I thank you for taking the trouble to listen/read my negativity. I just hope things chill and people can laugh together about stuff on either side again. May we both find nerdiness that suits us and is positive.
@CaloenasNicobarica Good evening!!
Don't be embarrassed, you deserve some gentle kindness, I would say. And it makes me feel good that you had fun mathin' with me despite initial reservations. Do not worry about not understanding anything. You've a brilliant mind, but we all have our weak spots. I'm happy to chat algebra, and in fact I'm around all Labor Day weekend - maybe we can squeeze in some of that spiritual feng shui for me. I love dealing with you too!
LOL - don't worry about my midlife crisis yet! I'm riding my 2006 Toyota Matrix into the ground, and I'm not dating at all, let alone younger women. Thanks for all the encouragement, though. It does mean a lot to me. I'm not always the best at adapting to change, I guess. I hear you about the grass being greener. I just feel like I don't fit into the culture around here, though. I should probably stop before I sound like a snob.
I remember, though, about 5 years ago, being at a total loss when we went as a family to the 2nd birthday party of a family friend's child. In the den you had all the guys talking about things that interested me not at all - hockey, heavy machinery, and home improvement if I remember. In the kitchen you had all the women talking about things that interested me even less - mostly other people they knew. So I figured someone should keep an eye on the kids and went into the living room with a gaggle of two- to six-year-olds (including my two). I had more fun.
I must admit it's my fault to a point. I really haven't made more than a perfunctory, now-and-then effort to build any kind of social life. I just can't seem to get - and stay - motivated.
Wait, nerd culture can be insular and exclusionary? Who knew? Haha. I do know what you mean, and rant away. You can get in a lot of trouble for having different political views in the context of a fictional framework - never mind real life! I was such a dorky kid, I didn't even sit at the table with the other nerds - more often by myself, as I've always been sort of a loner. I've been on comic collecting websites in the past and in one sense they're great because I'm into the history of the medium and a lot of knowledgeable people post there - but you also see a lot of guys showing off, and looking down on others' interests, and some who clearly spend way beyond their means to 'keep up', collection-wise.
It's funny, but I sort-of dated this girl in grad school briefly - very casually, never even kissed her - but I chuckle because after years of being too nerdy to even think about dating, essentially one of the reasons it didn't work out was because I wasn't nerdy enough. When we were at a party and she started reminiscing with some guy about their respective college Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, I knew it was doomed before it started.
Thing about politics is, it feels like this is such a polarizing time, but really, it was ever thus. The issues of the day ruined friendships in Hamilton's era (when you could argue without hyperbole that American democracy was truly at stake), and talking about the pre-Civil War era - hoo boy. I think that you and I seem to share a trait of being independent thinkers who don't do dogma well. I'm not on anyone's 'team' and my political opinions go where my sense of fairness takes me. On today's scale, I'm probably moderate, leaning left, with a streak of pragmatic libertarianism. Making policy for a nation of 300 million people is very complex and nuanced in ways that don't fit into sound bites or convention speeches. I wish more people would admit that. I have this natural inclination to at least try to consider multiple sides of a question and find common ground.
Honestly, it made my marriage very hard, because I would approach our issues like a diplomat, and she like a pit bull prosecutor. You can imagine how that tended to go. I got the short end of enough issues that the resentment began to build very early. Eventually I started digging my heels in too. The divorce negotiations are tough, too - this week we're trying to get a set of papers we can both sign off on, and it's been stressful. My biggest fear is that - now or in the event - we are going to end up in a long expensive fight over her trying to move the kids to her boyfriend's. She's backed off on her promise not to. I'm really very scared and worried about this.
I guess that answers how my week has gone! I really want this to be over as soon as possible. School started today, though! I went out to the bus stop to see them off. My son came running up to meet me with a big hug. My daughter's 10, so she had to play it cool. She had a soccer scrimmage this evening, so I went and watched. So proud.
I'm glad you feel accepted here! And hopefully that comes IRL as well. Room service will be nice, but I'd settle for a short break from customers and deadlines! Day trip, though? Hmm. Could hit NYC in the fall maybe. Not too far and always something going on there.
How's your week going? Having fun with that physics? (I love physics too.)
*Hugs* 'See' you soon!
@BurkeDevlin
Whooooo! Labor day weekend, maybe we can math it up for some fun or whatever. It's still really warm here, was gonna bake bread today but still too hot. I'd send some bread over to you through the screen but I find that a lot of folks are gluten-free now so my treats don't make it very far. Maybe I should try baking some GF stuff just to see how it ends up? Hmmmm~.
Well, I still thank you for that kindness. Which reminds me! Ritual of kindness later! Anyway, I'm glad it seems that way, I guess. Still feel kinda derpy, but I think everyone derps or feels that way sometimes. Wait! I need to be thankful, so thank you for your comment on my brilliance! Rainbows! I certainly wouldn't mind sharing a spell or technique with you later. I can also do a reading from the Book of Changes if it suits you. I have other ways, too. But I just love the practical and down to earth advice it gives. I also have nothing to do this weekend, and will most likely be available, bored, and doing school work. Maybe the ice cream dude'll come by? He finally came back again~!
That sounds like a hot ride. In the lacking air conditioner sort of way. I'm glad you're still good! Change is hard. Think one of the reasons I put up with my current situation and stuff at home so long was just trying every effort to NOT change. Because it's way easier and at least you know what'll happen- sad, but true. I want to move somewhere else, too. Not my jams where I'm at. So I hear ya, keep the dream! You'll be somewhere you like eventually. With a good historical culture, and even your nerd-dom allowed and embraced! Yay!
LOL I love how much of a stereotype you paint for that gathering. It's so true, though. Either side seemed lacking. While I feel really nervous and weirded out by children, I like their enthusiasm and simplicity. For some reason children really like me, or else you get ones that're creeped out. I sound like a fairy or something that escaped the Grimms books. XD Anyway, that's great. I'm glad the young'uns were a respite from the "maturity" going on in the other rooms.
Socializing is hard. There's a lot to do to keep a friendship, but maybe I'm overthinking it? Maybe not so much? It shouldn't feel like a chore to be friends with someone. Can be quite a disconnect. I get so lost in my damn head with different things that I feel bad when I just don't keep up my end. Gettin' better lately! Yay.
Maybe termagant influenced that part of you? With puer, I'm finding more and more that they simply put their anxieties and insecurities onto me. It's possible that you subconsciously accepted something or other. I dunno. Then again, I've always been introverted. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar... I can also see that you'd not want to be attached to someone in a place you never really liked in the first place. Maybe? I dunno.
LOL IKR. Like the Emacs vs vi. Seriously. I can see that! Especially with comics and the like. It's kinda pathetic the way those people gloat. Very juvenile. I like this stuff but you get some seriously emotionally retarded kind of people involved. And...getting rejected for not playing D&D. C_______C; Wow, what a backward world we live in. That's rough. You tend to hear these nerd folks going on about acceptance for who they are and what they like, yet...they can't really offer the same. It's not cool. I'd be happy with someone on either side, as long as they had relational intelligence and we could function in a loving relationship together of give and take. Relationships from what I've learned ARE about learning. About the person you're with, yourself, and other elements. Part of me wonders if I should not date nerdy guys again because of who I've encountered so far in that culture- seems mostly negative. You're certainly not bad, and seem relationally aware. I know it's not all guys in into nerdy stuff, but...I dunno. Wouldn't fit in with or like some alpha dude. That's for sure! Ugh, I don't know...
Y'know you're right. I read a book on philosophy about how each time seems so dark. A fictionalized "how it used to be better". I think it's rather silly, but then again... I know there's some issues and circumstances I will not tolerate. So, I guess I won't throw stones. Yeah, rebellious thinkers we! XD It gets kinda rough because not fitting into either camp, you get in sticky places. I was part of a Pagan community that also had some stuff on witchcraft and the like. It got SOOO politically vicious and immature that I had to leave. They were conducting witch hunts on themselves! It was sad because I met some cool people on there, but there were a LOT of people who tell you how it is on such subjective and personal things. Really annoying. Not to mention the prevalence of using spirituality as a crutch to further some addiction. It was very negative. Every other post turned into hexing political people they didn't agree with. Just freakin' immature. And I absolutely agree with you, there's so much more going on than a lot of people think. I certainly don't think I could deal with the policy of so many people and all the intricacies. X_X; Honestly, the way things are IRL I don't even feel safe going into the fruity "magickal" kind of shops anymore.
Speaking of intolerable hexing and miasmic atmosphere, trying to be reasonable with anyone like that. From what you've said it sounds like we've both kind of experienced something similar though our situations are quite different. You exert so much damn energy on trying to negotiate and be reasonable while maintaining calm, the other person wanting to dismantle everything and spill your blood over wanting something fair. That must be nerve-wracking. Because it's completely within their bag of tricks to start this kind of thing. Have you talked to your lawyer about the fact she's not exactly a safe person? A lot of people bring up narcissism to their lawyers from what I've seen online, but I dunno. Might need to see a psych or someone to get a pulse on what they would advise. They could also help you with tactics and coping with such things. I keep logs of puers abuse and BS accumulation. If you have any of those it might be in your favor. But I really think a psych would be helpful at this time even if just for the divorce stuff and handling her. That's really rough, man. I'm sorry you have to go through this. *hugs* Sorry for your little ones, too. Will be sending some positivity for you guys.
Sounds like a helluva of a week.
Hope things with the children are at least positive. Sounds like they love you. At least you have that and people on here, there'll be more people in your life that aren't rabid pit bulls. <3 Oh! And wishing your daughter good luck on her soccer and schooling. I don't think your son is in school yet, is he? I don't remember the proper ages for grades and the like. XD
NYC! That sounds busy! Hope you like it if you decide to go.
My week...mn. Ear infection trying to come back. Might have to schedule an appointment for a follow-up...don't want to. Gonna follow the rest of the course of my antibiotics for another week and if it's still acting up I go back in. Really don't wanna prolong this. I also went out for the first time in awhile- I got to spend some money on clothes at my favorite place. All boho-ed out now. Going out with Puer is pretty stressful, even when it's not. I just see all the limitations that are put upon me. I already have my own to deal with, but it's scary as hell to know that he wants me to stay emotionally crippled and stuck- yet wants me to somehow succeed in a weird way and be profitable. I did okay while I was out, but when I came back my body didn't recover for a few days. So, that's not good. I gotta build up my resilience again.
Physics, at least I thought it was. It is in part, but it's an overview of physics with some other sciences. It's fairly simple. I can breeze through the course pretty well when I'm not completely out of it. Probably will do that in a bit here. As long as I don't think of deadlines and other stuff I do pretty well- I'll be getting through it quickly. I did a big no-no and read the Reddit for my school. There's this thing called acceleration- basically what my advisor is using to get past those silly classes that my previous one left. But it's mainly used to add extra classes to your term or whatever and get your money's worth. ...there are people on there that completed like 10+ classes in a term....I barely can do all my classes right now due to my circumstances. I know I'll get better and be able to accelerate...but there's so much weight put on doing all the things and doing them all quickly. I feel lesser, disappointed in myself, flat out wanting to cry, it's frustrating. Especially when the school praises these people who are acting like yipping dogs and bragging about it. Doing things at your own pace doesn't mean the same thing to them. I make myself sick looking at it....
I dunno...maybe I'll do some yoga again tonight. Gotta get back on my exercise and simply enjoying simple things and meals routine. OH! YOU! Cast-iron skillets, good. BTW, Kitchen-Aide mixer. It can do so many things well and you won't regret it. If you plan on cooking quite a bit and baking, it's terribly useful. And looking at my French cookbook and doing a recipe, I advise you to get another one over it. Taste of Home, Better Homes and Gardens, Alton Brown(make sure it's one with a lot of different or intro recipes), and America's Test Kitchen based ones. Kinda shaking my head at the top-rated one that has poor grammar and a stupid premise. I was all happy it was the mafioso cook book with a history of recipes and their stories from a mob chef. Pft. Fads. Feel free to copy pasta a book and I can give it a looksee if you can't decide or want some info. I'm getting back into baking again since the season is changing. Might buy a new book as well.
*sends some hugs back* Perhaps we'll see each other on here sooner than we think! Both being bored and free on Labor Day. XD
@CaloenasNicobarica Ooh, I hope your ears are OK. And, please don't fall into that trap of comparing yourself and your progress to others'. It's not a competition, and I'll bet you that the yipping dogs who are making a race out of it are not taking the time to truly learn the concepts thoroughly. They're going to be exposed when they start trying to do this professionally. I can tell you right now that if I saw the resume of some 'hotshot' who had taken 10 classes in a term, I would tell you there's no way that person truly imbibed the material. I don't care how good the school thinks they look.
You are NOT lesser. Not in any way. You refer offhand to 'circumstances', but anxiety, depression, toxic relationships, lack of a true support system - Nic, these are obstacles that stop 'lesser' people from even contemplating a major course of study in one of the most difficult majors in school. But you - you brilliant, determined combustion engine - you didn't let them stop you. You aren't letting them stop you. Don't be disappointed, be very, very proud of yourself. You are 'greater'. I am proud of you and trust me when I say, you are doing this right.
Thanks for the cooking tips! I feel like I'm falling into a bit of a rut, making the same 6-8 things, mostly. I have to step it up, or my constituents (kids) will revolt (start demanding packaged meals). Speaking of whom, thanks so much for the kind wishes. School is off to a really good start for both of them. My son is in school, too - he's 7, so second grade. She's in fifth, so this is the last year for quite a while where they'll be at the same school. Middle school is sixth through eighth grade here, so they won't overlap. That will make the mornings a bit less convenient!
I actually do keep a log of certain behavior on my ex's part, but it's less abuse of me (which no court is going to care about) and more about my involvement with the kids, and any interference in same by her. The idea is that if it ever becomes necessary I'll have documentation to rebut any change that I'm not a very involved dad and so on.
She interrupted Legends of Tomorrow last night by calling me to talk about our son - on the surface it was a fairly reasonable conversation, but I just never know with her. There's no trust there, so we can't really discuss things deeply, because I'm not going to say anything she could turn against me in the future.
Then today she invited me to dinner - with the kids and her boyfriend. Originally I was going to decline just because I haven't been in a social mood. Then I went for a run and stopped for iced coffee and a chat with my favorite barista, who usually cheers me up, and my son came by to ride his bike and watch Sponge Bob. So I was in a better mood and thinking maybe - but when I sounded out my son, I got the feeling he'd have found it awkward.
I just can't help but suspect she's trying to soften me up to the idea of her moving up there (where he lives) with the kids. She's even hinted that I should move there. (Coincidentally, actually, her boyfriend's development is back-to-back with the house of one of my childhood friends.) It's going to be a wild ride, and I honestly don't know where it ends.
How did you find a therapist you could trust? I think that's where I keep stalling out when I start to consider it. Would it really do much good before I was able to open up and be vulnerable? But how long would that take? How would I know early on whether this was someone I could trust? It's a financial commitment too, because my copays are not small. I mean, where would I start? I have a lot of years of baggage to cover!
I don't even know if it starts with my ex, but you're right - it definitely hasn't done me much good to be run down for 10+ years. Some of it has definitely internalized - how could it not? All that time being told I'm ugly and useless and socially messed up - when I believed those things already, since childhood. I would have seen through her long before we got married if I'd had any experience with close personal interactions.
Randomly, I found my senior year (high school) picture in some stuff downstairs yesterday. Burke at 16 - and I can't get over what a normal kid I looked like. From the picture, through the lens of all these years, you'd imagine that kid having circles of friends, dating girls, enjoying a normal college experience - things I would have looked into the mirror at the time and thought unfathomable for such a monstrous head case.
I don't know, my friend. Perhaps I'm a lost cause in the world of mankind. It's been a mostly solitary weekend since I dropped off the kids around lunchtime yesterday, and I'm not feeling particularly lonely or miserable. It's actually been really nice to hunker down and catch my breath. Maybe that cabin in the woods of Maine is calling my name sooner than I think.
Thanks for listening! Talk to you later.
@BurkeDevlin
Well, took forever to get back to you. Sorry 'bout that. Was strugglin' more or less with my depression this time around. This'll be the first time in two weeks that I go to see my psych since he took a vacay. Wonder if there's some correlation? I know naught. Hope you're doing a bit better.
My ears are fine now! The crap that was sitting in there is finally draining and best of all- no pain. So I'm happy! I really don't wanna throw in an extra trip to the specialist if I have to. My glands seem to be less inflamed and I have around a week to go, but it's like this super antibiotic where you take five pills and then it lasts two weeks. Apparently, they interfere with stuff a bit less. So, yay! <3
It's a hard trap not to fall into- comparing oneself. I wondered the same thing myself, if they really learned anything? I'm learning a lot just going back over the concepts of even simple science stuff. I mean- that's a helluva lot of data to in-take. You think 10's bad? I saw some kid who had like 90-something. And then this one engineer guy who took 3 months and just grinded out a freakin' Masters. Like...what? O_O; Urgh. It's difficult because the school itself worships these kinds of people and I'm always told, "Yeah! And soon we'll get you accelerated!" Accelerateaccelateraccelerate. e_e; I wouldn't mind doing an extra class or two if I had the time...but... I need to work up to that level. I'm glad to get some outside perspective on it. Straight from the horse's mouth so to speak! Thanks. <3
I thank you for your words. Y'know, I downplay those a lot. When they ARE serious! I guess I've been told I'm lazy and whiny about everything. I dunno- nowadays I know I'm not. I mean have you looked at social media? Holy carp. O_O; Women b*tch about traits of different makeup as their main annoyance? Hah. Wow. I feel... kinda different from other women- but that doesn't mean all women are annoying like that. I've met some damn good women AND men. So, I know they're out there. Anyway... my new advisor has been super cool already. He tries to engage me on different topics, which is something I need. Dat socialization. lol He's also very positive and sends those little inspirational meme type things. I was feelin' a bit down and he basically was inspiring me that I WOULD get this done. So, you guys are awesome in my book. :)
Uh, I will say that they changed the grading policy thing and it freaks me out. It used to be just Pass/Fail which I liked- now there's Competent and Exemplary. X_X; I've never really scored exceptionally high on stuff- I don't like how they think GPA is related to being competent at work. XD Kinda weird. Tell it to Bill Gates. A rare exception, but still. I feel a bit nervous because of those changes- so I'm tryin' not to psych myself out. Seems just labeling has changed. Boo.
BTW, how's school and the changing season going for you and your children? Good, I hope. Seems like it'd be a bit chaotic. Did you ever make gyudon? Was wondering how it turned out? Gyudon can be tricky sometimes, there's a lot of little things to do in prepping it. I'm taking more of a healthy initiative lately and starting to cook more healthy stuff lately. Maybe I'll have some more recipes to share. Though those lists on CookingLight have what I'm gonna be serving up. Cuz little kid taste buds. XD
Yeah, the courts are still very heavily leaning towards mommy=best type of thing. Statistically, it says guys do more abuse or whatever, but I've been abused equally by males and females. So...huh. That's not everyone's experiences, but there really needs to be an end to this where the abuse of men is some laughable thing. Because seriously, that probably perpetuates the abuser mentality. Guess I'm just ranting now. At least you documented what you needed to and focused on the interactions with the children. Sounds like you've got your stuff together the best you can. Still it must be hard for you. *hugs*
The whole thing with the weird boyfriend thing just strikes me as odd. We talked about that in chat awhile back, so you know my thoughts on that. But...trying to move in with some random guy and drag children into it? I'm assuming this guy is pretty new or at least post-divorce involved? That's pretty weird to me. Maybe not to modern society, but... I dunno. Someone acting like how that ex-wife is acting strikes me as pretty bizarre, unstable even. I doubt I'll be jumping into some guys arms when I divorce and wanting to move in post-haste. Not to mention her other "loveliness"... it's very much something I understand. I really feel for you and your children as they have to endure those mind-games and how infuriating it must be to deal with someone willing to openly cause her children discomfort to put it lightly. I only have cats and I'm worried about Puer tryin' to take those- he never cleans the box and doesn't want to take them to the vet when they need to be. In fact, a bout of crazy broke out via warpath mode where he freaked out about taking them to the vet to receive care. Yeah. Basically, like if your ex freaked out on you if your children were sick and thought it "proved that she didn't love them" because she let them get sick. ...and some part of me feels like you probably this scenario or similar.
Like with any interpersonal thing it takes time to find the right one. A lot of trial and error. They can tell a lot about how or why you're doing the things you are even if you're on guard. Which I certainly was. Sometimes I still am. Besides modalities and stuff that they specialize in, it's important to see how you simply feel or communicate around that person. Do they make you feel a little on edge? Feeling it out with your gut instinct. Because the seriously f***ed up ones I found my gut had a VERY potent reaction to. And the ones more subtle I eventually learned how they were and dropped them.
Some therapists are willing to work on a scale via your income and your circumstances. The best thing to do is call or e-mail them and explain your situation. If they can't accommodate you they may refer you to someone else that can(though who knows how good they'll be? They might be amazing.). Sometimes it'll flat out say if they do or not, this will also give you an idea of how they handle things in general and let you see their personality a bit more. You can also request a phone interview or session- sometimes they'll do a half session and you can decide then and there if they're a fit for you. Don't be afraid to say no. Seriously. Another thing! If you have an EAP program at work, you can use that for sessions at people in the network. I believe the one I've seen you get three free sessions to work on a problem and then sometimes you can bounce off of it- but the therapist has to be willing. This is also good for trying out different ones.
One of the most important things to focus on is yourself. I vent a LOT about Puer, but the main focus is taking it back to me and how I can resolve the crap I've been through and still thrive- and leave the situation. Healing, that should be your priority- and anger is certainly a part of that. But don't be too wound up on making it a blamefest about termagant over and over again. I was on a forum about personality disorders for awhile and it was super unhealthy. Throwing armchair diagnoses everywhere, lack of boundaries, scaring each other out of seeking help. Met a friend on there, and she was focused on making it all about how her husband had a PD. I understand...but when she finally DID go to therapy she got a therapist that was sitting there on the phone buttering her up and saying "Oh yeah, he totally does have NPD!" She was three hours away, and she could only go once a month. Eventually, she stopped speaking to me because I told her she needed to focus on herself and not just pick a therapist that would focus on such things. While that was important, it still has you attached to them and the situation still. Many of those people haven't ever left behind their situation even when divorced due to the rage and hate they have still. I get it, I have trauma to deal with- but I feel like what they have is a variation.
It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved stuff to work on, and maybe even stuff you didn't even know was there. And that's fine, the first step to healing is simply admitting it's there in the first place, and that takes courage. So don't be too hard on yourself, there's a lot of truths and stuff to struggle with when you finally get there. I struggle with those same thoughts- and since childhood as well. It takes time to knock those sh*tty programs out of power. Pretty much leaped into the first person's arms to say they loved me. And yeah, red flags ahoy. Desperation because of well, not having love or acknowledgment. Growing up in an abusive situation, I felt that abusiveness came with any relationship. Which is pretty damn sad, and part of me thinks I deserved that. Which I know is not true, but...yeah.
I kinda went on. Hope this was somewhat informative on therapy or what you were after. There's a lot to discuss on the subject. Hope you have a good weekend! Maybe I'll ping you for a chat sometime. My last section of this class is freakin' huge so I have a lot of work to do. lol
10 classes and 90+ CUs or essentially credit hours I believe. Not classes. But still, a metric buttload.
@CaloenasNicobarica I'm so sorry the Depression Monster has gotcha for a bit. *Hugs* I know how hard that is, and I hope your appointment was very helpful yesterday. Speaking of therapy, you gave me some very wise advice and I appreciate it. I really am thinking about it. I can admit that there are things that need to heal, I just don't know where to start or, sometimes, if it's worth the bother anymore.
Thanks for asking - school is going great! Fortunately, they both like their teachers, and each have at least a couple of friends in their classes. And my daughter was invited to write for the school newspaper! She is also on the safety patrol. I'm very proud. She asks me for advice on how to handle her wayward second-graders.
Change of seasons, well, I'll let you know when it happens. After a nice, cool first week or so of September, summer is back for another kick in the teeth and now they're saying 90s are not out of the question for later in the month. 
My ex started dating this guy in the spring after we had agreed to divorce but before she moved out of the house. In fairness, she was open about it - she told me she wanted to date and asked if I had a problem with it. I told her I didn't - I was glad to have her out of my hair, to tell the truth. We agreed that we would leave the kids out of it. This put me in the curious position of having to cook up cover stories for her midnight booty calls. Sometimes on the fly.
I know she had the kids meet him before she moved out because I was going on a business trip and she took the opportunity. She asked what I thought about it, and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She did it anyway.
We haven't had the chance to make guydon just yet. It's been…a rough week. I haven't been feeling depressed, just stressed out and kinda wiped. So it's been a 'throw stuff together' kind of week.
It started on Sunday with a squabble with my ex. I have this female friend who adores my kids and has offered many times to come and hang out with them if I never need. Since I'm a single dad, in my ex's territory and don't have family of my own nearby, a willing babysitter whom I can trust is very valuable. I wouldn't say she's a close friend, but I've known her a few years, and the word 'friend' probably fits her as well as anyone.
My ex - and she has my daughter doing it too - often interrogates me or accuses me of dating this person. Which I'm not. And which it would be none of her business if I was. Still, my ex gossips with the kids about her, and has them, especially my daughter, disliking her unfairly.
So it happened that it looked like we might be in a bind with the kids, and I suggested my friend as a sitter. I got this lecture about how "$Daughter doesn't like her…I don't trust your judgement…we have no background check…you're an Aspie and don't understand…" Then, after trying to discourage me from, you know, gently talking to my daughter to find out why she has a problem with my friend and maybe reassure her - she called my daughter to drag her into it, and no doubt, tell her what she should say (or not say) to me if we talked about it.
Oh, I was livid.
I have to listen to all of these 'concerns' about a platonic friend I've known for years, and she has to drag the kids into the middle of it with her gossip - this after she shoved a boyfriend down their throats while she was still living here.
She has control issues, and probably some jealousy - and I still fear the endgame is to move them all up with the boyfriend, at which point it serves her well for me to have few child care options. And she'll always manipulate the kids to get her way and there's nothing I can do about it. Damn, maybe I am depressed after all.
On top of this, I had to get a lot of work done Sunday night. So I hardly slept at all, between being overworked and upset - was working till midnight Monday and Tuesday as well, so I never did get caught up. We have some pretty serious product issues going on - which actually by now I'm getting a little more optimistic about. But the week was rocky.
I had the most bizarre argument with our UK Managing Director on Monday - I'm doing everything I possibly can to help him out with his customer, and he conceded that. Wasn't asking me to do anything different. But he kept coming at me on the phone because he wasn't sure about my 'mindset'. Like, dude, what do you want from me? I've worked with him a long time and I understand he's under a ton of pressure, so we're cool.
But sheesh - for a guy who hates conflict, it sure keeps finding me.
I'm really glad you've found a good advisor that you click with. And I'll say it again - someone who did a Masters' in 3 months did not learn the material at a Masters level. They just didn't. I have a Masters' and I studied with some very smart people and none of them could have learned the stuff in anywhere near 3 months. Don't be too impressed, and especially don't be intimidated. I'll tell you something else, too - I only ever glance at GPA on a resume. If it's really poor and the person is a very recent graduate, then I may ask about it, but in this business it's mostly about the projects you've done and what you can show.
On a personal level, too - I meant it when I said that your story is just starting. It sounds like you've really looked within and learned a lot, I'm impressed - and very, very hopeful for you. Thanks for listening and for letting me in, a little. I'm honored.
Talk to you soon.
@CaloenasNicobarica Challenge failed. I went to the park pumped up to try 4 miles.
But it was mighty soupy. 
I let discretion be the better part of valor and eschewed the third lap.
I'll try again next time.
Hope your science is going well!
@BurkeDevlin
Hey, don't worry about it, man!
You tried, and hey... who wants to be part of soup, anyway?
There will always be tomorrow. <3
Science is going! Gettin' through some right now, actually. Weaning myself off of petty amusements like video games and the like is kinda hard, because I too used them as a means of escape. Some escape can be healthy and warranted... but I want to REALLY focus on what lies ahead before me. Not just sit here and rot in Nowheresville with king Normalton of Nightmaresville.
BTW, did you know that Oscar Wilde made some children's stories? They're fabulous to read, actually. The Happy Prince and Other Tales. I usually find a good deal of stuff on the archive.org of various kinds. One of my net haunts for books and various things. I know you're on a budget, there's a lot to sift through but it's kinda fun sometimes. The old time radio section is pretty killer!
Hope you're feeling better, I certainly don't think less of you for trying your best. <3 Remember that. I'm sure that's what your other friends and allies would agree on as well!
@CaloenasNicobarica I did not know Oscar Wilde was a children's author! That's very cool.
Here's my favorite Oscar Wilde story I always like to tell. He toured America at one point in the late 19th century and he actually made his way out towards the frontier where folks were a bit less - literate.
So he gives this talk on Shakespeare to a pretty rough audience, and they really enjoy it and someone asks him if he (Shakespeare) would ever make his way out there.
Wilde tells him unfortunately, that's not possible because Shakespeare is dead. The guy asks, "Who shot him?"
And thanks - yeah, I'm not beating myself up too hard. It had been a bad week and I'm just glad to be back on the exercise wagon. I do feel a bit stalled in pursuit of fitness goals, and that can be demotivating, but with the cooler weather (eventually!) I'm sure I'll add some distance.
In other sports news, our softball season came to a crushing end last night. We went to extra innings, scored 4 times in the top of the inning (yours truly ignited the rally with a line-drive leadoff single and a hustling first-to-third dash) - and coughed up 5 in the bottom to end the year. End-of-year party is still on for Saturday, though. It was a fun season.
Have fun in class!
@BurkeDevlin
Oscar Wilde's children stories have such a mark of him on them! A very different air than the other fairy tales out there. Refreshing, and still very sassy and haughty. XD I love that story! That's really freakin' awesome. "Who shot him?", indeed!
I'm glad you're back on your fitness kick. I keep hearing about this particular form of yoga where you exercise in practically a sauna. WTF, is this a dungeon or something? I get it would be amazing to get all that stuff out of your system and such...but geez. I barely worked out in summer due to the heat. Think I'll try to join you on that wagon train of fitness you got goin' on there. Hope it's goin' good for you!
Even though you lost, I can sense an underlying enthusiasm. And hell, at least you did something social and with a team. That's praiseworthy in itself. <3 Are you going to continue with your softball when it resumes next year?
In my classes, I'm a little behind. Kinda got avoidant because of some stuff going on. Felt like tomatoes hitting a brick wall so I took a couple days off. Not to mention Puer's usual hijinks. e_e; I know things were pretty chaotic the last time I spoke with you regarding termagant- hope things have cleared as much as possible or at least you are of calmer mind.
Take care.
@BurkeDevlin
I've been prepping a text wall for firing on here! Haven't forgotten about hooking you up with that ritual and such, so that'll be on there. Workin' on my Organizational Behavior/Management class. LOLOLOLz I can haz management. Hope you're having a good weekend and your run was 5k-rific.
@CaloenasNicobarica Organizational Behavior! Cool - planting the seed of the dark side. I actually took Organizational Behavior in grad school and it ended up being more interesting of a class than I expected. The professor was really into it - I would think that would be a topic hard to get 'really into' but he was. He used case studies from the German Army in WWI, which this history nerd thought was cool anyway.
It was great talking with you last night and I look forward to posting with you later. I hope you're feeling better. I actually spent a lot of this morning / afternoon laying down with a headache. It's a little better now, so I'm going to try and go out and get a few things done.
Cheers!
@BurkeDevlin
It's kinda interesting of a class, but it's mostly study after study kind of stuff and vocab. I know a bit about the personality stuff they're referring to and some aspects... but I dunno, it's coming off as drab. Feel like my Dale Carnegie is going to teach me more. One of the times I wish that there were actual lectures or something like that. Your old professor sounds awesome. Would absolutely love to hear more about the historical case studies! One of the teachers around where I live was notorious for dressing up as a nazi for his history class and larping it for the day. XD Some cool stories there, he was also a huge Star Trek nerd.
Likewise, it was nice getting in touch with you again. Kinda one of my weak points is keeping in touch with things or with friends. A pattern I'm trying to break. XD BTW Sorry for the soppy violins time with me drifting on about my past. Pah, I wish for more brassy sounds and lounge singing- no need for the violins! Anyway, that sucks. Hope you feel a bit better and get on your feet before too long, sounds like you really need the rest, though. Don't push your self too much, you deserve some R&R, man!
@CaloenasNicobarica I'll try and remember some details from my OB class as we go. It was 20 years ago, though. Eep.
You had a history teacher who dressed up as a Nazi. My friend, you owe the world your autobiography.
I'm bad about keeping in touch too. Don't sweat it. Maybe it's an introvert thing, or a depression thing - don't know. I just tend to drift away very easily. Then I miss people. Oh well.
Don't even apologize for the violins, I'm always here to listen. I'll spare you my lounge singing, but have a little Chest Fever on me.
Talk to you soon!
@BurkeDevlin
Hooo, I know I keep sayin' it... but hope you had a restful weekend. Been hard for me to get to sleep lately, too much caffeine via Dew and treats. I usually hit the snack stuff/soda when I'm depressed, hormonal, or wanting to get a leg up on some work I've been doing. It just doesn't do it for me, anymore. Causes more harm than good. I drink tea a lot, but I have such a variety of teas for all sorts of moods and needs. A teapot full of chamomile milk tea with honey and a tiny dish of fruit or something dainty helps soothe me to sleep or calm. Been drinking a lot of milk teas lately. Way better than hitting up a bunch of Dew and pizza. God, my nutrition this week has not been so hot. XD
My eyes are all bloodshot and I feel like I barely slept for awhile. I'm pretty stressed, but I don't feel it so much right now. Haven't been able to focus well on my writing or my reading for university. I got half a class worth of chapters due by Tuesday. I should be able to do it fairly quickly if I'm a good girl and use Noisili or whatever and its Pomodoro timer. I use the Chrome extension frequently. Pretty handy. I've found it tough to concentrate due to Puer being around a lot more on the weekends. Never seen someone watch/play/space so much in my life. I did at one point and I've known others who've come close, each case had some form of depression or anxiety.
Was going back and reading your post that I was writing a response to. Kinda a hobbled together affair addressing this and that, and our chats. Y'know the thing that really strikes me about the one post up there where you respond to me about termagant and when she started her boyfriend hunt.... wow, these people really don't care what others feel and constantly make people clean up after themselves. She essentially made you responsible for her actions in a way, like how you had to explain the random booty calls and such. Just no. There's so much wrong with it. But I do get where you're coming from. Not wanting to rock the boat, and seeing it as getting her out of your hair... it's a temporary solution but at least you're not fighting and you're avoiding conflict, right? ...not so much. I understand how much even speaking simple truths gets you in hot water with these kooky types to put it cutely. But they are so skilled at giving others the bag and leaving them with it to deal with that you're still picking up after them when they've run off to do something stupid yet again. It's frustrating, and I give a hug of solidarity and friendship. I almost wrote fruitness- yeah, tired. XD
I dunno... thinkin' about that kinda stuff and reflecting on Puer's behavior and others I've known, I see that I've done that to some extent as well. I feel like my anxiety and agoraphobia often I'm putting my stuff on others or something. I know it's a bit different, but I know I've picked up some unhealthy dynamics and programs from my life. I just want to move forward with all this, be able to rely on my own efforts, celebrate my spirituality and not be persecuted for my personal quirks and such. A mutual feeling, huh? Think that's what anyone would want. I don't wanna ever have my personal baggage get in the way of stuff or cause me to get trapped or comfortable again. Especially if someone is darling enough where I want to spend my life with them. Also, next time a pre-nup. Speaking of which, I'm kinda scared for Thursday. Oh damn it, another wall of text. Sonofa... As much as I want the heat takin' off me, and it has been working already... I'm dreading my therapy appointment due to my psych setting up the arrangement with the marriage counselor or whoever. Good lord, I feel like I'm in some Shakespearian thing. I also don't wanna sacrifice my weekly sessions, but at the same time- things have taken a drastic turn. Not to mention, that I need to stick with my B.S. rather than off and hoppin' into a bootcamp. Anyway...
How're things at work and in general with you? Woooo! It's October.
@BurkeDevlin
Blah! Reading that last post... sorry if I came off as judgmental. Was more musing on the infuriating nature of how those types are so obstinate about taking responsibility.
Last thing you need is judgment and all that. You've got enough on your plate to deal with besides that kinda stuff. Anyway, have a good week!
Grrrr! NOT taking responsibility, rather.
Off you go to bed, Pigeon.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! I didn't take it that way at all (judgmental), so no worries. I'll accept friendly hugs, fruity hugs - whatever ya got!
I'm really proud of you for having the wisdom to reflect on your situation (and even mine!) and think about what you might have done differently, or might do differently next time. I try and do the same - take the last 10-15 years as a learning experience for me instead of becoming bitter and blaming another (whatever their culpability may be) for all the lost time.
I'm thinking of you and hoping Thursday's appointment goes well for you. I think it will. 
And yay October! Things are going well. October is my favorite month for a variety of reasons. Today was a hugely busy day, with work and then my daughter had dance practice and a soccer game. I didn't get to my Trader Joe's Organic Spinach and Ricotta Pizza until almost 10! It was nice to sit outside at the soccer game in 60 degree weather.
Except now I'm home and I have an ominous rawness in my throat. This is bad! I want to run a 5K this month! I cannot get sick!
Off to bed with me. Please let me know how your appointment goes and keep me updated on your OB class. Talk to you this weekend, I hope?
@CaloenasNicobarica So last night I got desperate. Took the usual remedies - Vitamin C, zinc lozenges, ibuprofen, etc. Had to bite the bullet and down some apple cider vinegar. Have you ever tried that stuff? Don't be fooled by visions of orchards in the fall, that is one evil concoction. Blech.
However! So far so good, today. Just a slight cough. Even got my lunchtime workout in. I may swig a couple more tablespoons just in case, though.
I hope your special appointment last night went well. Let me know when you get a chance.
Have a great day!
@BurkeDevlin
I guess I do owe the world an autobiography at one point. Perhaps... XD
Ah, flu/cold/virusy season. Wheeee. Yeah, I know too well about that ACV stuff. Started out taking it for fitness stuff, shots of it before strength training or that kind of thing due to the studies I'd heard from other people. Then it became popular with the holisticy types of folks. Hooo, it is terrrrible. Every time I've tried it with stuff for healing purposes it's been a negative effect. Maybe it works for a bunch of people, but def not me. The stuff has the taste of some wicked potion or chemical from some old school horror movie where the quaffer contorts and screams. Not sexy. If you're into sado-masochism, then yes. But...eh, nah.
Y'know what I found DOES work for pushing back or helping make the early symptoms of colds and such tolerable? Garlic. Seriously, Taking a piece of garlic like a pill or cut up raw. You could warm it up or something, I suppose... but I've just taken it raw. That works quite well for me. In fact, I'm gonna do that today because someone picked up a cold type thing and I'm startin' to feel it a bit. But ACV is a huge no. Took it for a stomach thing and even had a bath with some ACV...then it ended up "working" on whatever I had- was the only time I've been to the ER in my entire life. Had some gnarly gastrointestinal thing. Never again. Home remedy sites tell you to use it for everything- uh no. Just no. You know what doesn't suck for stomach, gas, nausea, or monthly lady problems? Mint tea with fresh ginger. You can use some honey with it and the flavor doesn't suck and it actually works. Y'know...unlikely putting some sickly acid into your gullet.
Hope you're feeling a bit better and find something that does work for you to provide some relief so you can get to your training and just livin' without the suckness of a cold and all.
Oh! My appointment. He believes I'm traumatized still from what happened in there previously. I dunno... I'm worried about myself and my perceptions. Abusive people tend to screw with your views a lot and tell you they know better- so that's always a thing. Not saying he's abusive, just that you start questioning everything. I have a tendency to make people nervous sometimes. Whether it's simply due to the strength of my anxiety/awkwardness that day or whatever, it is a thing. But not with most or all people.And I've also had staff or teachers pull crap like that. I'm honestly too scared to go into the waiting room now and will wait in the hallway outside of it. He mentioned talking to her, but every bully type that would do something like that would be able to fake niceties and innocence afterward. So yeah. I declined.
Not sure if I'm gonna be talking about marriage counseling at this next appointment. He's consulting with people and I'm gonna sign a waiver for him to speak with them about my situation next time. My worry is cost. Because It's expensive enough seeing him, even with insurance. Another thing is their gender. I don't care either way about it, but Puer listens more to men then he does women. He's very sexist and misogynistic. Not saying that loosely. But it's pretty obvious from dealing with this guy. Have no idea what's gonna happen with this or how long he's gonna last in there. I give... 2~4 sessions. Maybe 2 months tops. You know how it is... dealing with types of people who won't take responsibility for their actions and refuse to hear anything else than praise. Puer did agree to go last week, but when the heavy lifting needs to be done he's gonna run off to fantasy land again or tantrum, probably.
My organizational behavior class. A lot of reading. I'm on a chapter titled Conflict and Negotiation. I stared blankly at the title, "Ah, yes...Marriage..." I muttered to myself and then wandered over here to write to you. XD It's pretty interesting, and the last chapter was hard for me because I've not been very with it lately. I need to finish this class quickly, and I see myself done with it shortly. But I think I would like to study it a bit more at another time when I'm not so pressed- I am learning the material. But I feel like there are nuances that hard for me to grasp since I don't have much experience with it. At its base level, it's an interesting psychology course and approached it that way makes me it more interesting for me. Rather than dry study after dry study says this or this, and it MAY correlate with this. Ah, silly. No fun historical studies or anything.
Tomorrow I have my real appointment, so I'm less scared after speaking with my psych yesterday...but I'm still a bit nervous. I also realize I need a few more plainclothes type of items like a thin turtleneck or things like that. I swear, sometimes I dress like those chicks in Star Trek that just drape fabric over themselves and call it good. Not in the side-boob sense, but I have a lot of convertible fabric dresses. You can turn them into a skirt, a shirt, a cape, a dress, whatever. But I have a freakin' struggle with 'em sometimes- feel like a derping trapped animal. XD A couple of pieces I have come with a little flyer that shows how to fold and tie them into different items, blah! Also, I'm really short so the SKIRT length thing is dragging on the floor for me. And the top length one is a skirt for me. X_X; Anyway, the struggle is real. lol
How's work and life? Training? Hope they're going good.
BTW.
There is this exercise I've been meaning to mention to you. I'll summarize it here:
Make sure you have some alone time, and REALLY think about these things. Not to hard, let them flow to you if possible.
1. Take a piece of notebook paper or something like that and write down ten things you feel negatively about in life. Such as, "I'm not good enough", "I'm poor", y'know things along those lines.
2. On another piece of similar paper, write down the opposite of these ten things. "I'm good enough", "I have the money I need". Don't use negatives in the sentences, simple and positive. Also, present tense.
3. Read both the lists off to yourself aloud. Which one do YOU want to have in your life? Probably the second list, right? It's so easy to say the stuff from the first list everyday, practically. Yay, negative reinforcement. If you're ready to give up that BS that is the first list... make a commitment to the positive and the things you want to bring into your life from the second list.
4. Take the first list, the crappy one. And BURN IT. Mind the fire safety stuff, of course. Watch as the negative is burnt and only the positive is left to focus on and welcome into your life. You can say something empowering as it's burning. Like "I banish this negativity from my life" or something similar. I mean- you read LOTR and fantasy stuff...I'm sure you can use something along those lines.
5. Pick up the second list, and stand in front of a mirror or use a hand mirror and read the list aloud to yourself in the morning for seven days. When you think the negative BS from the first list, counter it with the ones from the second list. Therefore retaking control and empowering yourself.
I try to read the list every day and have continued to do so after this exercise. 'cept I read it in the evening now. Think the morning is a better choice for me, though. But this has helped immensely in realizing positivity and getting up the nerve to start making things happen for me. May it empower you towards progress and the life you want.
@CaloenasNicobarica I would say you are blessed if ACV does not work on you! Unfortunately for me, I do feel OK today, and I might just have to give it some credit. Don't know. It doesn't go down particularly well, but...tough call, because I'll do almost anything so as not to get sick. I've never heard of taking it before strength training. I'm mildly intrigued but I'll stick to the protein shakes.
I will also take your other suggestions on board! Probably should have consulted you the moment I felt a tickle.
More later, but I am definitely going to try that exercise. Started thinking about it already. Thanks for suggesting it and I'll let you know how it goes. One thing that feels nice - a year ago, "I'm skinny and in awful physical shape" would have been near the top of the list. While I still need 15 pounds, if possible, I feel like I can mostly cross that one off!
@BurkeDevlin
'lo Burkeyboo! Tis the weekend, and I will be around to chat if you're bored.
Oh hey, it worked for you! Goodgo as Hamtaro would say. OH! I just remembered something about it if you take ACV a lot or frequently, you should probably use a straw because it's acidity has a tendency to wear down tooth enamel. Not sexy. Yeah, it was like ten years ago when that study happened. I also know green tea before your workout is supposed to be good. For me personally, I'd rather have it in the morning because of dat female bladder. XD
Yeah, there's a lot of options kickin' around out there. Next to ACV is like coconut oil for fighting off stuff and various things. I use coconut oil for cooking, and sometimes take it with food. I also use it on my hair and it's very practical for DIY makeup or that kinda thing. It has a high burn temp. So it's easier to cook with than olive oil which I find burns easily if you're not careful. I'm not that well-versed in stuff, so I'm basically just throwin' out stuff I've seen. lol
Hope the week was good for you and all that. Take some time to chillax this weekend if you can. And that the training is going well, of course! It'll be interesting to see the results of your other exercise. I wish I could transfer my fat to you. XD One of mine is kind of general about being where you want to with your health. You don't have to share them with me, it's kinda nice to keep things to yourself sometimes. But I'm really glad you've got some focused intent that's working for you and you're taking your health into your own hands positively. Congratulations on that! Already got one off that list- well, like you said... if you did this last year. Non-alcoholic cheers to you!
I'm kinda busy doing my organizational behavior class right now, so I'll text-wall some more stuff in a bit about things. Like the talk of marriage counseling and the fact I got three recs to look over. Besides some other stuff. Things are going more positively lately, mostly in relation to the downtime after Puer's antics. I'm able to recuperate quicker and get on track again quicker these days. For a while I was in grief mode- but now I'm just angry with how he is and allows himself to be. I've been pretty forward with my psych about how I don't expect anything from this, especially a change in him. Part of me feels manipulative and selfish for doing this, but it's to a point where I can't even communicate simple needs. So I'm gonna need some kinda mediator to step in.
Well, little by little I'm getting better with things and being able to even go out on my own sooner than later- and with looking myself in the eye after a year or so with that list... I've focused positive intent into something real. Your circumstances now don't define who you are. I'm glad it's this way, that we can grow and change. That we're not Prometheus chain to a rock.
@CaloenasNicobarica Yo Miko! Kids go to bed around 10:30, give or take, on weekends - I'll look for ya later!
Thanks for the warning on the ACV. Trust me, though, I'm not intending to make it a regular thing. I was desperate to avoid a cold, but that stuff is naaaaasty. I diluted it with some water and I could barely get it down. It didn't sit too well, but it seems to have killed the cold virus, so as they say, 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'.
I actually do have some coconut oil - it dates back to when my ex lived here, but I assume it doesn't really spoil. I'll check - that's an interesting alternative. I do cook with olive oil and I haven't had trouble with it burning, I don't think, but it's good to have something else to try.
Glad things are going better with you and hope to chat in a bit!
@BurkeDevlin
Hope the day finds you well. Today I got around to adding a little more to King Normalton, I'd say I'm halfway or so done with it. At the point where the Nightmarians plot to give King Normalton a taste of his own medicine via having the Normaltons invade Nightmaresville. I can post the unfinished story thus far if you're still interested. Not sure when I plan on finishing it right now. It's very spur of the moment. That Muse, you know! How's your literary progress? Hope inspiration smiles upon you.
Have had a tough day. Normalton himself is at home so that means conflict, usually. This time I said something about him telling me something wrong or different, and he freaked out on me. Said that I blamed him and *insert verbal diarrhea about how I'm evil and can only see things my way here*. I tried to talk to him, but you can't. So I just walked out after getting blamed for something that was kind of thoughtless and not directed as blaming him, and I would've apologized if it was handled in a not emotionally retarded and blame slinging kind of way. He was talking at me for five or so minutes after I left the room, demonizing and projecting. It gets so old. He ran off and sulked the entire day after this incident, then hid in his room listening to fantasy novels. Can't much more juvenile than that.
You know how it is. I mean, termagant and puer are strikingly similar creatures. These behaviors so colloquially named "crazy-making" are aptly named! Sometimes it's hard not to fall into the mire and think you ARE to blame, I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten slapped by the words "You don't have any perspective but your own." and variants. Happened today, in fact. Blah... sorry for the rant. I just had to say something somewhere about this or I feel like I would have my head explode.
Anyway. Because I simply feel like...I present to you the halfway finished work "King Normalton of Nightmaresville" for your reading pleasure!
King Normalton of Nightmaresville
One day in Nightmaresville, a certain haughty resident was making up a big stink about a town across the pond. For you see, Nightmaresville is very isolated. Practically an island and has limited contact with other nations or countries. The fellow in questions name was King Normalton of Nightmaresville as the other residents jokingly called him, but also what he insisted they call him himself.
King Normalton was giving one of his usual seminars or demonstrations as usual about his knowledge on the topic of Normalton which was very far away. These displays of "knowledge" or rather trivia were laughed at frequently by the other members of Nightmaresville for their sheer absurdity. The other residents didn't give a rip but still humored him, while some simply learned to ignore him. Occasionally one of the town drunks would wander by and sing a traditional Nightmaresville tune to block out King Normalton's lack of "patriotism". A spectacle which usually warranted informing others of.
Today, just like any other day in Nightmaresville... King Normalton was up to his usual antics, professing his absolute knowledge of Normalton and it's practices, culture, styles, and inhabitants. Even though King Normalton wore a small, lop-sided shining crown, he was still obviously a member of Nightmaresville no matter how hard he tried. The styles of Normalton(we think) looked rather awkward on him and lets not even get into how far from a member of Normalton he looked like in his garb and all.
For the countrymen of this noble borough of Nightmaresville were rather ghastly to look upon. Goblins, weremice, mangators, and even the impressive Koopersnockle took refuge here. The fashion of Normalton only served to make them more ghastly! Try as they might, the more willing Nightmarians at King Normalton's demonstrations merely got criticism and scoffs hurled their way by the "great" King.
"Hah and pshaw! You dare even attempt to wear that color when it is Wednesday! You MISS are a FOOL! A bumpkin! Be thankful your Highness is here to help you!" He huffed as young Ms. Jolak angrily tried to get into a large pink dress for the "wrong season".
"Well, that might look nice if you were to cut that horrid fang of yours off!" King Normalton trumpeted as he told off Mr. Sea Serpent, the fine.
Mr. Sea Serpent had no intention of cutting off his one good fang just to make some exotic fashion look more palatable to a troublesome wart.
The thunderous judgment of the King overtook the entire town of Nightmaresville.
Until one very dark and icy night in the late fall they came together in a secret town meeting under the guise of the Nightmaresville Folk Song and Brew Association. Mad cackles tore through the air as the citizens clanked their obsidian tankards. The Nightmarians celebrated most jovially. Displaying their traditional dances, folk operas, and drinking songs. The air was filled with the licentious scent of blooded mead and a wily chaos that permeated Nightmaresville itself.
...and the thrilling conclusion for later!
@CaloenasNicobarica I'm hearin' that subtext on FM, girl. Great story! So far. I know the thrilling conclusion will surely not disappoint.
I wanna be a weremouse for Halloween!
You write so well! I'm hooked and I mean that.
And please don't fall into that trap of letting him pin everything on you. Oh, I lived with it too. That kernel of doubt. "Well, maybe I am crazy and antisocial and unreasonable..." It's just manipulation.
I live with it still. Tonight she was supposed to drop the kids off here, but my daughter called me on her (the ex's) phone to say she's really tired and how about they just sleep at Mommy's tonight. I said no, it's their night with me. And I told my ex straight out on the phone and text that I didn't trust her and I didn't believe this was all coming from the kids. She insists that she isn't subtly trying to undermine me - but I don't trust her as far as I could spit a rat. Sad that I have to spend my kids' precious childhood watching my back from all this.
I need to kick myself in the pants and get this paperwork done.
Don't let the demon child get to you. I warrant that you are not evil.
I have been trying to toss around some ideas for literary non-fiction. Nothing's really sticking yet. I need to open my mind to the muse, I think. Something'll hit. I hope!
Have an awesome night! Talk to you soon!
@BurkeDevlin
Yay, I'm touched you think so found the story to be. I imagine a little zombie-esqe mouseling attired as a classic zombie- with pronounced fangs as well. Can't forget that. Seen a few pictures out there, but none of them come close to my vision of weremouse. Basically, the Nightmarians wear clothing from the early 1900s to the 1940s or 50s. Usually tattered, in very ill repair due to their features and activities. Some of them might look nicer than others as is in real life. I think Sea Serpent the fine has a nicely kept suit since he is kind of the town dandy. A heterosexual Oscar Wilde as a sea serpent. If I had illustrations, he would be mimicking his poses probably. XD
Hoo, you've been down this road, too. The manipulation. BS. Subtle jabs and controlling behavior. So frustrating. Sometimes I just shut down and go on autopilot and am not even aware. Because it's easier than dealing with the surmounting pain from their abuse. Your ex acts so according to the abuser script. It's just disgusting that she would manipulate and drag the children into it. I feel for you and for them as well. And yeah, we gotta keep not trusting these types of people. But what's kinda hard is making sure it doesn't pour over to everyone else. I had that problem awhile back- might not be a problem for you, though. I'm sorry you have to still experience her petty BS.
LOL I'm not evil! YAAAAAAY! Don't even have to pay a tithe or anything. XD
I found this article earlier about diffuse mode. Find that oftentimes I am VERY focused when I'm in my focused mode, so much so it burns me out and I have to take sometimes days at a time to let diffuse mode do its work. How does your thinking work?
http://calnewport.com/blog/2016/11/11/neil-gaimans-advice-to-writers-get-bored/
Hope today was a bit better for you. Sounds like we both had a frustrating kind of evening last night. *sighs* To top it off he went off with my sports car without telling me for an hour or two and then returned saying he needed to go out to clean it. C_C; That's why he left. And yeah, acted perfectly normal like nothing happened. How can this even... there was a blowup like last night where did the same thing 'cept went out for "lightbulbs" after he stormed out of the house. Like, seriously. Emotions or feelings. aren't tolerated or dealt with. BLAME BLAME BLAME. I didn't bother engaging them, but I still feel like I need some self-care time.
Have you been keeping up with self-care lately? OH! And good luck with your 5k! <3
Ciao for now!
@BurkeDevlin
DUDE! Was on r/learnprogramming and I found a post with a freakin' metric-ton of free Udemy classes! Sharin' the wealth with you and loading up my queue! <3
https://www.reddit.com/r/learnprogramming/comments/75ovw4/250_free_udemy_course_coupons/
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey you! Thanks for the coupons! You found the mother lode there. Who says Reddit is not a worthwhile place to visit?
I eagerly await the graphic novel version of 'King Normalton'. Imagine this illustrated by the late Jack Kirby. Weird creatures abound. Hopefully the Udemy (and other) classes won't delay the conclusion too much.
I guess I need to get myself more bored. My company's customers and my ex-wife do tend to conspire to keep my life interesting. Whatever am I going to do over Thanksgiving weekend with 4 free days? Maybe I'll find a way to get in that creative zone. Hey! Maybe I'll try and let my mind wander while I run. Solve two problems at once - kickstarting my writing career and keeping my mind off of the distance.
Speaking of which - I'm signed up for this weekend! My name is on the website and everything. 8:30 AM Saturday! I won't ask you to think of me as I hope to anything holy that you will be sleeping, but when you wake up, send some good vibes to my aching muscles.
My aching shoulder is a little better today - targeting Friday to get back to my strength training. I'll have to research how I can maybe modify the workout I do to be a little easier on the tendons. I did get some advice online. It just means so much to be to be getting back into physical shape - you can call it vanity or a mid-life crisis, I guess, but I'd be heartbroken if I lost the momentum. I don't know if anyone else notices, but my daughter said to me on the way into the store this weekend, "Dad, you're getting muscles!"
Self-care - thanks for asking. Dare I say, I think I am getting better at it? In addition to keeping up physically, I'm starting to put myself out into the world a little. The run, the show I'm working this weekend, the networking stuff. I'm trying to become someone I can be proud of again. I really didn't think I'd be able to. And who knows, maybe I can't after all. But I find myself trying. And I mean it when I say thank you for your friendship and encouragement. It really, truly helps. And I hope I do half as well by you. *Hugs*
Hey, you've got a clean sports car and a well-lit house, my friend - we take our victories where we can get them. Patience and strength.
Have a wonderful night and I'll talk to you soon!
@CaloenasNicobarica Thinking of you and I hope you had a nice and productive session today. Hugs of compassion if you need them, and good night hugs just for fun if you don't!
Crazy stressful day at work today, and my Friday is already jammed with phone calls today. Including two interviews. Really need to get some of that divorce stuff done, and I don't know why I'm putting it off. Fearing a showdown, maybe.
Cannot wait for the weekend! Hope you have a good one too.
@BurkeDevlin
NP! Was wandering around on figured some of them might be of use to you. I was laughing at the first comment on that Reddit post where they're saying that Udemy is crap and blahblahblah too cool for school. Only a few people said thanks at the time of reading that. I know the quality sometimes ain't too hot, but it can at least be used as a starting point for other topics. Not to mention incomplete coverage of subjects at times. But hey, free's free. Not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. XD
I would love if some of my works got turned into graphic novels. Especially the more psychological ones. I dunno if I could resurrect Kirby through some kind of arcane methods and forbidden alchemy. Y'know how that ALWAYS goes well? XD Would love to see people's different imaginings of it. I seriously cannot draw. Little kids are stellar in comparison to my scribbles. lol
You seem pretty damn busy all the time with life circumstances and workyboo. Not sure how a human handles that amount of workflow, getting a lesson or article done in a day is good enough for me. But I do envy your productivity and am working my way to do more. Just don't wear yourself out too much! That sounds like a good idea for Thanksgiving. Reflection, diffusion. Christmas and Thanksgiving, that's pretty much how I spend them. Reflecting upon the happenings of the year and then thinking about them in relation to the future. Not to mention plenty of quiet creativity time and what not.
How has writing been going? I mean, you're busy with your training and tomorrow's the 5k! I'll be sending some good vibes since I'm usually up around those times, anyway. Those muscle're gonna need a serious rest. Not sure what kinda strength training you do and I don't know anything about it anymore, but yoga is pretty good for that kind of stuff. Y'know, I envision myself getting a bit more fit after my divorce, too. Not a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis is when you date someone half your age and buy a sports car. XD Seems to me it's just reshifting your focus onto your own health. You're seeing progress and so are others around you! Must be rewarding. <3
Sounds like you're doing good altogether! :) You've got a busy weekend. And NP. Friendship is always free to the right people. XD *huggle* It's been nice to have someone to speak with who is focusing on their health but not afraid to show their emotions or feelings in regards to their situation. We are pretty different people even though we're both pretty much nerds over here. Been nice to know that connections can be made and there are people out there. And that they are and can be decent people we can learn from. Not to mention solidarity and empathy on our matters. Hope to hassle for awhile still. XD
In regards to my session. It was pretty gorey. Some past stuff that was some of the most violent, but I'm working through it today. That's the thing! Working through, not around. Thanks for the hugs as always. <3 Hope today you can recover from all that stress and milling about that is thrust upon you by your work. I don't blame you for putting aside the divorce stuff, because you pretty much know what to expect. I'm the same way. Feel that way about marriage counseling right now... like, should I even bother calling them? I have a strong inclination of the result, and how the other party is so... X_X; Totally hear ya. But eventually, we gotta face the music. Plenty o' self-care, my friend.
Cheers to you! Will raise a Dew in your honor as I program and work on UI design tonight. Will try to have Normalton finished by the weekend just for you. Oh! Have you heard of Project Odin? Pretty wicked curriculum for free and well-rounded. They even cover pair-programming. If you want to attempt it for fun or something I'm just beginning. I know we can't give outside accounts, but hey it's a near curriculum for web dev stuff. I have a lot of fun with Web Dev even though I think Java/Android will be my main focus. ...Actually, kinda feel like I'm at that n00b area where it's WTF language should I even!? *foams at mouth* Blargag. Anyway, have a restful evening. I'll be on here if you wanna BS.
Ciao! And good luck! <3 Know you'll do great!
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey nerd sista. There's no wrong way to learn cool tech. I don't care what all those reprobates on Reddit say.
Had not heard of Project Odin! That's cool. Lemme take a look when I have time. I may catch up to ya.
And I get the 'OMG what language??' paralysis. My take on it, though, is that it doesn't so much matter. I mean, you don't want to pick something really niche or obscure - unless you just have a hankering to learn it. I mean, I taught myself 6502 Assembler before my daughter was born so I could pick apart old Atari games. But I really, really try, when hiring people, to focus less on the languages they know than on their programming competence in general, understanding of fundamentals, and intelligence and ability to lean. I mean, sometimes you just need JavaScript - or whatever. But learning a language (or DB, or framework, or IDE…) isn't or shouldn't be difficult for the kind of person I would want to hire, Does that make sense?
I haven't had much time to write, unfortunately. Work is just killing me. Today was another rough day, I've had to deliver bad news in multiple directions, and I'm starting to take a lot of heat. Some of it's fair - let's be honest, this has not been a mentally or emotionally healthy year for me, so you might imagine I haven't been capable of my best work. And some of it isn't - I really do get overloaded and I'm paying the long-term price for some short-term decisions that…were not my idea, let's say.
I feel like I'm being tested - hard - and not proving equal. My hope at this point is, if I make it to the end of the year (I mean at the company, not life!), the divorce goes smoothly, and I finally get a little recharge, I can come back to the challenge with a mental clean slate.
Hugs! Glad your session, though gory, seems to have been productive. <3 Eyes on the prize. Plenty o' self-care, indeed - you too, my friend!
More to come - I'm gonna try and get to bed soon. I need to get up super early to have a carb-laden breakfast before the race tomorrow. I picked up my packet tonight - got the T-shirt and all! Thanks so much for your support, it really means a lot.
Sleep well and catch you tomorrow!