BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread

@BurkeDevlin

Hoo! You are efficient! Here it is already created. I kinda feel silly for admitting I almost lost the link. XD YAY! Another person who doesn't like seafood, I don't like fish either(they're too cute). Which is weird considering I live in a freakin' seafood capital kinda area. But yes, others shouldn't be eating this in their feeds. Would be too many words to eat, mogumogu. I'm still learning to like mushrooms, so when I see people like you're daughter slingin' sushi or something I feel a bit embarrassed! But good for them!

I feel like feeds are for more like...inspirational and short things. But damn it! When I write, I write! And NP. At least you went out and got social, Shakespeare in the Park... sounds very cultured. Dunno how I would feel in that situation, surreal? Yeah. I decided I'm just gonna walk away in this divorce and take my car and cats. But it must feel quite different to have to bag up their stuff- it's kinda symbolic. Bagging up their stuff so they have to deal with it, sending it back. When I got into those thinky type spirals I usually play a game or watch cats on Youtube. Hear you've been all exercising and healthy! Good for you!

Anyway, before I go onto my own stuff... what I mentioned earlier. One of the hardest things to do was changing. Going for red light to green light for recovery. It required... emotional death. You see, I have this belief that we die multiple times in this life. I've died so many times already. Times when it feels like we could break into multiple pieces. Shatter. And then it creates a canvas for us to work upon. Our self is destroyed. I feel our selves are like a snake's skins. The more we cling them, the more we stagnate. Like the ritual for entry that the Zen initiates have- where they cry, plead, beg, and essentially get mauled into losing their selves are they allowed to enter and pursue enlightenment.

But, you're probably more well versed than I am in these matters. For me, it took looking that pain straight in the eye and not hiding from it any longer. We try to save ourselves from pain...which only prolongs our suffering. It's troublesome. But maybe that's what needs to be done? I know you've got a lot of reasons to keep it together. So I don't blame you.

Anyway, sorry if that was presumptuous or went on. My math is proceeding accordingly, I feel like I can actually work through it and learn finally! Still gotta buckle down and do it, right now I'm preoccupied with my mobile app project. Thought they wanted a simple note-taking app, but when I read the project detail it has all the bells and whistles on it! Hooo, wish I would've known...but I'm making a mad run trying to piece things together and will speak with the professor this week sometime for help. Also, I picked up a bad habit of lying about my courses to my advisor.... -_____-;;; I feel horrible about it.

Ever since that last one who wasn't empathetic I tried harder to cover up my uh... anxiety/ptsd/etc/etc problems and ended up lying about progress. Today I was on progress and lied about finishing something more. Seriously, Pigeon! I will finish that thing today, but jeez... I've gotta end this and will bring it up to my psych next time. Things're goin' good with my new advisor. Though, I think he might've thought I was transgender because I'm a lady that took a male name. Picked it because it suits me and is still quite feminine. Also, since I'm going into STEM and I want to shock the hell out of people when my baby-faced self shows up.

Tag, your it!

No offense meant to LGBTQ+ or anything, I live in an area where I have a lot of misunderstandings due to this arrangement and am aware that it doesn't simply mean adopting another gender's name or what have you and is something much more than that.... just that sometimes these situations happen to me every so often. It also occurs with my age.

I do eat fish. Please don't judge me. Just not shrimp or shrimpy things, despite the fact that my daughter seems to have made it her mission to get me to try it again. Love her dearly, but no. Especially not sushi, after a bad piece of sushi cost me a night at a San Diego Padres game once. And I didn't even eat it.

On the other hand, here's my breakfast this morning:

Homemade Greek yogurt parfait!

Yeah, bagging up all of her clothes was like an exorcism in a way. One thing that's been holding me back (I don't even know from what!) is how unfinished the state of everything is. Separated but not divorced, with so much of her stuff still here, with her spirit still here in a way. If I'm going to heal emotionally - if I can - I need to get myself together physically, financially, logistically, get my house fixed up and the way I want it. Those are necessary but (maybe) not sufficient conditions, as we math lovers say. So much of my life is still being lived the way it was when she was here. It's a lot of heavy lifting but that needs to change.

"The Old Man must die, and the New Man will discover to his inexpressible joy that he has never existed." That sounds like the Tao Te Ching or Bhagavad Gita, but it's actually from an old Doctor Who episode. A quote that's always stuck with me. So I get what you (and the venerable Zen masters) mean. About metaphorical death and rebirth. Shedding our skins. And you're helping me explain what I meant when I said that a path of meditation and self-renewal takes courage. It can be so hard to let go of a life even as you recognize it as flawed. You're kind to let me off the hook for doing what I must to 'keep it together', but maybe I should have had the courage to shatter a few times along the way.

Sounds like your school is giving you a lesson in feature creep. Get used to it. Sales-type people do like to ask for their bells and whistles. If you're lucky, they will ask you about it before they sell them to the customer.

Although my softball game got rained out today, it was a good day because I got to apply some probabilistic information theory, which has always been an 'academic' interest of mine, to an actual problem at my company. I liken it to studying martial arts, practicing in the dojo for 20 years, and finally getting to kick a mugger's ass.

Also, I get to pick up my kids tonight! Granted she has them at Mr. Wonderful's house, but I haven't seen them since Sunday. That is way too long.

No softball game tonight, and I still missed the tag!

@CaloenasNicobarica

@BurkeDevlin

LOLOLOL How dare you fail at games today! I don't know. XD I figured you'd be busy with the chil'run. Dayum, it's hot out. X_X; Even with my islander blood I don't do well in this kinda stuff.

@CaloenasNicobarica Ah, I was taking a silly swipe at myself for neglecting to tag you with the previous post.

Kids are finally asleep and I'm about to go down myself. Sometimes I need to play them a few lullabies on YouTube. Led Zeppelin's 'The Rain Song' is a favorite. What music do you like?

I feel for you in that heat. I seem to be in a 'hot spot' in that every time I look at a weather map my immediate area is always 5-10 degrees hotter than the surrounding territory. And I don't have your islander blood to even help me deal with it. I have Irish and Russian blood, so no wonder I'm a cool-weather person. Although that hasn't stopped my entire family (mostly) from migrating southward.

Stay cool and sleep well!

@BurkeDevlin

Oh! I see! Seems we both have that mouthy inner critic that spews forth with it's "swipes".

Well, have a restful night! They like Led Zep in general or just that song? There's this 24 hours of the idling Enterprise available that is pretty soothing, I usually listen to white noise stuff before bed like rain. Even though I live in one of the rainiest states. XD I listen to pretty random stuff, like stuff from the 30s, some Metal, Shibuya-kei, and Crazy Ken Band. OH! And Vocaloid! Lately, though I've been listening to classical music and enjoying it. How about you? Classic rock? Sorry, I keep on thinking of this thing where these guys impersonated The Doors and sang the Reading Rainbow theme ICly. lol

Anyway, I'll respond to your previous post tomorrow and link some music. Hopefully, the heat won't wreck you too much! Sounds like your blood works against you. Man! Florida must be a nuisance, though! Blarf. My mom is half Filipino and she was a total coconut gal. Me? I'm pale as a freakin' Geisha. So I guess I just look white with some slight Asiatic features being I'm only a quarter. The rest of my blood is mostly European- like a full-blooded Czech great grandmother and the like.

Hope you keep it cool and your day!

@CaloenasNicobarica Wow, you've got a lot of geographic coverage with that bloodline. No wonder you have such eclectic musical tastes. Seriously, when you get a moment, I would love to get some links and recommendations, and I will listen. Have you ever actually been to Japan? Got a posse there sending you back treats?

My kids actually do like Led Zeppelin in general - I'm doing my best to raise them well, Nic. They (and I) are also big CSNY fans. So yeah, I'm into classic rock a lot. My all-time favorite band is Pink Floyd, their music is just so personal to me. It takes me somewhere where I'm understood. Do you like their music? Or have any other music that does that to you?

I also like a lot of alternative rock, and some of the modern stuff is pretty good. Kings of Leon, the Killers, Bastille I quite like. Some grunge, some metal, some softer stuff. Love Enya, love Neil Diamond.

I have a particular soft spot for anything from the 70s. I admit part of that is nostalgia, since I first became aware of music (and almost everything else) in the 1970s, but I do think I'm onto something. I kind of feel like at that time, pop/rock music became more free and experimental, but it was before technology and data-driven commercialization became big factors. Across genres - rock, funk, R&B, disco - there's that smooth-as-chocolate sound that really makes me feel good. Play that funky music, white boy. When my daughter was an infant I used to rock her to sleep to the Bee Gees every night. When my sister got married, her husband's band played "How Deep is Your Love" for she and I to dance to. She was around 6 months old. It was awesome.

Actually, I think that wedding was the last time I was actually in Florida. No, that's not true - I had a business trip to Fort Lauderdale last year or the year before - but a critical mass of my family has made their way down there. Too hot for this polar bear, but maybe one Thanksgiving or Christmas I'll make it down for a visit.

I actually have to get ready for a phone call shortly - I've tracked this Bluetooth problem all the way from Missouri to Taiwan (I'm like Indiana Jones at the keyboard, ma'am). Have to get on a call with one of our vendors' outsourcing partners' VPs (it's their morning) to try and make some sense of their testing. See what you have to look forward to in STEM!

@BurkeDevlin

LOL Yeah, no kiddin'! I can totally hook you up. Yesterday I was gonna do it but the heat and then prepping for my sojourn to psych land. Let's see...CKB's Scarface Blues(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHPJDXe2Xic&index=14&list=PLD_c7CE2r-qyR9V9u9E9grbpRdyC0aZ7c) Beware the crappy YT clipshow kinda video. It's hard to find the ones I want to since they're being taken down a lot more nowadays. X____X; Wangan was gone. lolol. Here's some P5, Twiggy Twiggy is so freakin' catchy.(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEdEVVsfJRc) Hmmmmmm... and here's some Rip Slyme for some lols(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-aQT9lsX7I), and yes I do listen to this stuff. Seriously, I love old school hip hop. XD

Nah, I've never been to Japan myself. No real connections. I used to know someone from my church who was full-blooded and was the definition of a yamato nadeshiko. I looked up to her for so many reasons, and she was so elegant and stylish. Her girls were very astute and well-mannered! Even when I was all punk gothish back then. She grew a backbone and divorced the d-bag guy she was with and went back home, though. Loved her! So sad. Lost track of her. Strangely enough, the guy was Filipino. XD I wish I had a connection over there, but I don't. My rather narcissistic inlaws have been there and documented every second of their trip and forced souvenirs down everyone's throats. That kinda hurt- because they flaunt things like that all the time...for that specific reason. I'm over it since they treat people, places, everything like a handbag that's stylish. Meanwhile, the inlaws believe they charted and discovered that civilization. I'm sure Commodore Perry would be pleased.

I studied ancient Egypt alongside Asia and Japanese things for the parallels. A lot of people who are interested in ancient Egypt are also interested in Japan- the old school ones. This new school is more weebtastic, not respectful of traditions or anything like that. I'm not very popular with my family from the Philippines or Silicon Valley. Where my relatives reside. My mom had the chance to move over there and be educated and all that over there- my great grandfather on that side was a general. The family was renowned for their martial arts, beauty pageant, and academic victories. Found that the culture was super competitive and perfectionist. She uhhh, was caught doing her usual business and would not clean up her act. So she basically threw away an opportunity because she would rather be trashy and do everything her way. I've spoken with those relatives once...they never cared to contact me. So I'm just a bastard child kind of thing to them. I don't care. I don't even know Filipino recipes or anything, nor do I care to learn. Most people don't even think I have that blood, mostly I've heard Chinese. C_____C; Anyway, I went on.

Back to music. I grew up with Classic Rock like I said. I don't really listen to it anymore. There's worse things on the radio, like the terrible soft rock or pop stations. Never really clicked with Pink Floyd. I enjoyed the rock opera Tommy quite a bit, but that's The Who. I don't really find very much stuff that clicks with me. Sometimes the madness of Shiina Ringo is nice, and I've found certain classical music to do that. I'm really new to it so I can't really name anything! Interesting to hear your experience with that kinda stuff. What I miss from the 70s is SNL! The new stuff blarf. Wish they had old SNL on Netflix. Awww, family memories....sounds cute. Something to bring up later in life to embarrass them in front of a date? XD

Isn't Florida where you go if you're old? Are they admitting something? XP I couldn't deal with that heat and key lime pie. But I DO want to go to Universal Studios for the Harry Potter thing, I hear they have one in California. Sounds like a better bet. XD Let's do our best to avoid that heat!

The Bluetooth Caper strikes again. Fooo what a distance! HEY HEY HEY! What's your WPM and accuracy? Anyway, this sure does look fun. X_X; Glorious STEM. No wonder Barclay retreated to the Holodecks. Urrrrgh, I gotta get back to milling through stuff for my own development stuff and being able to ask the right questions tomorrow. I'm just glad that the heat is dying down here.

BTW Greek yogurt is amazing. I usually get the plain stuff, I see low-fat or non-fat versions of it but it's kinda funny considering this is a good kind of fat. Like almonds and that kinda stuff. Did you enjoy your parfait? :) It doesn't take much because it's pretty beefy compared to standard yogurt. Used to eat the stuff with flavoring but the sugar in that is crazy and it's like the same calories as a donut sometimes. lol It's also good to use as a replacement for sour cream, and as a carrier for creamier dressings and the like. Find that diets just don't cut and changing the little things and having more healthy options that are actually tasty and available does. Also, taking your time and enjoying your food without distraction. Applying mindfulness to your meal, almost with that French kind of spirit. BTW, if you're interested in a place to start with cooking or looking at materials. I recommend anything with Alton Brown to you. Seriously. Random facts, history, science, and interesting methods ahoy. Also, if you can get ahold of the podcast where he cooks biscuits and gravy for William Shatner and is fangirling the whole time it's totally worth it. Believe he's on Netflix right now. You can also get his books for pretty cheap used.

@CaloenasNicobarica Thanks for the music! Very upbeat and catchy, and even though I had no idea what they were all saying, getting the blood pumping is kind of a universal language.

You have a really interesting background there! Although your in-laws sound like a real pill. I can tell you're just going to miss them heaps. I'm sorry you're not close with your family, and that they haven't treated you well. Almost everyone, me included, has some kind of issue with the people who raised us, or that we were raised alongside, but in your case, it sounds like it goes past that. I understand that that can be very lonely. And I feel sad for them, because you're someone they could be very proud of, if they had the right to.

I suppose in my heart of hearts, I'm a little resentful (no, that's too strong a word - 'disappointed' maybe) that most of my family has decamped down to Florida, kinda when I needed them most. That's completely unworthy, not least because 20 years ago, I did much the same thing to them when I went to grad school in another state and the timing was not ideal. Whatever they may have felt, they never begrudged me, and nor shall I them. At the same time, when I get the 'You should visit' talk, I'm thinking….well, y'know.

And two of them are younger than I, three if you count my stepsister, so I'm sure Florida has some appeal to the family-minded. My mom did 'retire' down there, but the rest of them seem not to mind the heat. *Shakes head* The key lime pie is a sacrifice I could make if I had to. Just as well to avoid temptation, as my nutrition-mindedness grows, though. That just might be my kryptonite. It's even green!

I love Tommy! I had the chance to see it in NYC in the 90s (not performed by the Who, but still), and for some reason I can't recall I did not go. That one's stowed in my large collection of regrets. We can still be friends despite your ambivalence towards Pink Floyd. But if you get the chance you should go see The Wall live. I should go see it; in fact it is coming about 2-3 hours from me later this month, but it's too far to go and too much to spend to do it by myself. Another time. Great music never dies!

The parfait was awesome! I'm now sticking to the plain yogurt as well. Now that I'm starting to make some fitness gains, I'm hungry (no pun intended) for more. So the beaucoup sugary stuff is out. I've even switched to natural Stevia as a sweetener for my coffee. Taste is definitely different, but I'm getting used to it and I don't really drink coffee for the taste anyway. I'm a drug addict. (Caffeine!) I'm working on improving the taste, though. May try the Stevia in my next parfait, or - last night I mixed the remnants of the yogurt container with a little chocolate whey protein. 'Twas a healthy version of something not completely unlike pudding!

Thanks for the cooking tips, keep 'em coming. I'll share too, if I get anything good - I'm on the mailing list of a local trainer who was one of the other dads the year my son did T-ball. Get some good recipe ideas from him sometimes.

I hope you're staying cool! (It is actually low 80s today and not real humid, which is reasonable for mid-summer here. Fortunately for my daughter, whose first soccer practice was this morning already.) How did your meeting with your mentor go?

@BurkeDevlin

Hey, sorry about goin' off for a few days. Been pretty rough. Things've kinda went south and I'm tryin' to piece myself back together again while still trying to keep my sanity somewhat intact. You know how it goes unfortunately. Will try to respond soon.

@CaloenasNicobarica I do know how it is and I've done the same from time to time. Take whatever time you need and I'm here if you need me.

@BurkeDevlin

Made it back to the thread! Whoo.

One of these days I'll give The Wall a listen again. See if it speaks to me now that I'm older and maybe wiser. Don't think I'll ever be doin' a concert- telling an introvert to go to a party/concert is like telling a saint to go to hell so says Basement Cat. XD I've been to an opera and a play before but stuff like that really kicks up my agoraphobia/social anxiety. I went to a bluegrass festival here when grandma was still alive and liked it. Those songs are freakin' brutal/metal in their own way. But yeah.

So uh....stuff. Seems to be a rough time for everyone. Saw that your friend lost a friend of hers. That really sucks. Why does it seem like the people who shouldn't live occupy space the longest when the folks we love or enjoy die so promptly? Feel bad. I didn't say anything because I'm not close and felt like it would be presumptuous. This morning I did a small ritual to send comfort and loving kindness to those who need it, including this community, yourself, her, and some people I've known. Besides giving thanks for the blessings I already have and the like. It gets hard to show gratitude sometimes when everything's going to hell.

And in my own news that call with the negative professor brought up some things. I was doing pretty well and then- well I posted on my feed. You saw it, I'm pretty sure you commented on it. It planted the seed of doubt and eventually got the best of me. Or should I say realization?

Y'know...my previous advisor only bitched at me when I inquired about this class and barely said anything about the requirements. Maybe in passing? But I never got an explanation or an alternative. I would've definitely listened to one and weighed my options. Don't wanna be placin' the blame completely on that guy, but I feel pretty screwed over from him. If he had it his way I would've had two math classes to work through after I stated my severe math anxieties. Gonna be a challenge to do this algebra one.

Regardless, I'm sure it looks like I'm a chicken with its head cut off runnin' around. In the end, I've decided that I need to focus on my other classes that actually will reward me more credits upon completion- get those out of the way and do my app development if I have time. Otherwise, it's not gonna be very fruitful. This is kinda what my previous advisor whined about. Another option that he totally didn't even think about would be placing another class there and near the end opening up but not adding the app development to my term. My other advisor let me do that, and it's a pretty good way to get an idea of what you're up against.

Besides that, Puer has taken the incentive to be a total psycho d-bag while I'm just trying to keep myself together to do this. I vented about it in this thread: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/TellusWhathappenedGetitoffyourchest_318/ProjectingBlame_80809/. But I hate the way DV stuff turns out on here and via these text-based communities. I don't really WANT to explain again why I don't have anywhere safe- that my family is completely criminal and abusive, what my plan is and that I'm actively working towards it, that I have social anxiety/phobia and agoraphobia crap to work through before you just shove me out of the damn door. This ain't no typical baby daddy situation. I appreciate that they reached out and all of that. They bring up a lot of good points... but it gets so old. When I simply want to be heard as someone working towards her freedom.

I had one lady who focused on DV control our conversation entirely and didn't want to listen to me truly. I just wanted empathy for a really tough situation at the time. Instead, they blocked me- it wasn't even anything explicit I was talking about. Well, before I spoke to them they were saying they nearly had a panic attack or something needed to calm down. If anything, they should've just logged off. Sometimes these DV types are more trying to shove you through a tube so they can feel happy about their situation with it. Saved another one, yay! But I cannot simply walk out and function right now. I can barely get past the door right now. The worse thing is when they try to blame my psych for stuff and say he might be holding me back. X_X;

If anything, I found that men will actually be more empathetic to me on here in regards to the situation. Sometimes they can be pretty blunt- almost to the point of victim shaming. But it's easier to deal with... sad, huh? Like I got told that I actively sought out someone abusive. I actually sought out someone normal, but then the mask fell. I do agree that sometimes people go for the unhealthy dynamic that's simply familiar. I ignored the red flags because of lack of boundaries/uncertainty. But I really don't need to hear how I made the wrong choice- thanks. I already f***ing know! It's infuriating. Sometimes I feel like it's just best to shut up. I trust you on this because you're dealing with a similar dynamic in what you experienced with termagant. It's hard enough as a woman to go through this stuff, but as a guy, the world says that abuse doesn't exist for men. Which is total BS. So yeah....heavy thoughts here.

@BurkeDevlin

I went super negative rantyboo. Can totally understand there are times when it's hard to read that kind of stuff. Guess I'm just frustrated that people can't see that we all have our own unique situations. Just like I'm not a single mom with Prius. But that doesn't mean they aren't valid or they don't exist. Sometimes it seems social worker type folks have whats called "empathy/compassion burnout" which leads to a very apathetic demeanor towards situations- and let's face it... some are more common than others.

But that still doesn't mean everyone should get shoved through a funnel. Ran into these business articles are getting hired for SD stuff, it's all the advice I was running into before I spoke with you about it. The author seemed like a rabid, barking dog. Or like the businessman from the Little Prince. But... I choose to do things differently.

I dunno. Just like people think successful people are those who have dual-degrees work in a certain place and have all the things. Which I simply do not. Being able to sustain yourself is important, and something I'm learning to do- but a lot of these articles act like you've come from a pretty normal kinda place. Wish there were some articles that were out there for people working through trauma or social anxiety and the like. There are some, but it's more from the angle you're a fierce go-getting power seller. So I really appreciate the advice you gave me. And it's really no wonder people swarm to that thread of yours. Heck, I still have questions nowadays... but I've got school to attend to primarily.

Might be needing you and your nerdy self to help with math finally. XD When you're not busy.

Finally feel like throwing myself into the fray with it, wheeee. Mutant radiation radishes!

@CaloenasNicobarica Hola! Thanks so much for sending a little comfort my way - and Halli's. We could all use some loving kindness and I do believe that good feelings have a way of getting around. I'll be sending some back to you right away. I know it feels like everything's going to hell, but if nothing else, you have the blessings of a wonderful mind and personality that have a long way yet to take you.

It means a lot to me that you found my advice helpful and a little different from the norm. That's exactly what I was going for in that thread - trying to give people the anonymous straight poop, and trying to understand that some folks here might face their own challenges in the workplace and in the job hunt. So your saying that really made me smile. I can definitely see your point that a lot of advice on 'the market' does tend to speak to people who've followed the beaten path - those suburban Prius drivers, or their offspring. (Really got to get that blog going, Burke.)

I read your other post a couple of times, Nic. I can't tell whether Puer is actively trying to hold you back, or whether he's just really clueless about how to support you. What do you think? Either way, it must be so frustrating for you when he's kind of all you have and he just can't or won't be constructive for you as you work to make changes in your life. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this, and I can relate because of my own situation, so I'm always here when you need to vent. People here at 7cups tend to be awesome and they mean really well and often they'll do their level best to make someone feel better even if they don't 'get it', which comes from a wonderful place, but sometimes the person really just needs to feel 'gotten'. Does that make sense?

I have spent so much time trying to figure out how I got into this mess. Was I so naive, or did she change, and if so, why? Bit of both, I suspect. I was very naive and insecure, notwithstanding I was 29 when I met her and 34 when we married. She wrote me love poems (and they were very good, she's a published poet), sat in quaint cafes reading Russian novels with me, and made this high school nerd feel like a leading man. If it was all a scam, she picked her mark perfectly. In hindsight, the red flags were many and clear, and I wasn't totally blind to them, but I thought that the 'real' her was the one who'd made me feel like someone could fall in love with me, and the flashes of termagant would fade; that as she changed it would be for the better as she matured.

Ha! The big mistake was moving from Boston to her hometown - trading that social circle for the influence of her family. That said, I don't know if the story would have ended differently had we stayed. Because I do think it was all a scam and she was going to get her way one way or the other. As much of a blessing as it was, our daughter's birth changed a lot. At that point, she knew I'd never walk away. Knew what being a dad meant to me at my core. So my goals, opinions, dreams, needs, feelings - just ceased to matter. I had no 'leverage' and the next 10 years became one long hellish contest of wills. A game of chicken with a maniac.

A year into our marriage and I didn't recognize the sensitive, intellectual, romantic graduate student I'd once clumsily courted. She's long gone. I'm not sure she ever existed. It may well be that she was a fiction worthy of the great authors her professors had hear read, whose works now sit dust-covered and yet unclaimed on her side of the living room bookcase.

Whew. Heavy thoughts indeed.

On a lighter subject - Math! Let's do it!! In return for your lovely mutant radishes, I'd be delighted to give you a hand and a little tutoring if it would help, 7cups style. Here's what I'm thinking. We can do it in-thread - we can do it right here, or we can save this thread for our usual matters weighty and light, and move that topic to Student Support where it might be helpful to anyone else who happens by.

What kind of math is it? If it involves drawings and equations, it might be easiest for you to post a picture of the problem and what questions you have, I can write out some helpful steps in longhand, snapshot and post that, and maybe a Vocaroo link to an explanation by me in my voice if helpful. To work stuff out more real-time, we could chat in the Student Support room in another window. I do work all week, but weekday nights when I don't have the kids or softball are usually pretty open, and weekends I can always find a little time if you can.

Thanks for reading all that. It is nice to feel heard and understood.

Have an awesome night!

@BurkeDevlin

I'll respond to the rest of your post later, I'm getting ready to go to my weekly psych appointment right now. So. Math. I have only like 3 months to do everything in my school term. It's nerve wracking because there's college algebra sitting there. I need to get it done, but dayum. All that trauma and stuff- so I'm focusing on getting my other courses done so I can at least be in good standing next term for financial aid since I'll be getting loans this time. I really want to do math, and get over this silly fear. Earlier I tried doing it and they threw in some stuff they didn't even explain or address- maybe hinted at and I nearly cried. Urgh.

I'm really hating that previous advisor because this late in the term and I wasted a month or so because of him- now I MIGHT NOT be able to switch out my classes and there will be a crazy rush to get them done. Do you think I have grounds for some kind of uhh leniency on that? Because if I don't make the SAP I'll lose my student loans/grant stuff. Blarg. So math....

It's college algebra, the thing I'm doing right now is getting into the graphing stuff on the coordinate plane. I get how to do it and how it functions- it's the equations that they just threw randomly in there. I know I'll have to be doing them and all... I'd access my math thing right now but I think my advisor's working his magic and gettin' that course switched out. Basically, the equations like 4x + 4y and assuming x is 2 something something. URGH. Blarf. Then they threw in fractions for no reason. Don't see how that correlates to the graph. When it's functioning I'll screecap it.

Anyway, I'm on most days whenever. Except for Thursday when I leave at 5pm PST and am out till like 9 or 10pm. Weekends I'm usually free, as well. So, you're 3 hours ahead, if I remember correctly? And what days are you softball/kidletts usually around? BTW, I like your idea of having it in the Student Support section. That way everyone can see it and doesn't have to muck through our esoteric back and forths over here. XD Thanks again for doing this. I might not be able to finish that class in time, but it's still good to learn. BTW Do you have any math books that are good on this subject and present it in a logical, understandable manner? I'll probably buy a book before I do this class again- really think the stars are pretty bleak on it.

NP. A lot of what you wrote sounds so close to my own story with Puer. I extend the same invitation to you. If you wanna rant or just talk through stuff, seriously. I'm around. I can also share some stuff I learned in therapy in regards to the situation or certain actions- might prove beneficial for your own healing or closure. Might even propel you to seek a shrink yourself. XD All in due time. And if you need help finding one, I know some tips and tricks on the matter.

Hope things are going well, and remember to rest your damn self. Sit down and watch some mindless MST3K on Netflix or something. <3 You've earned yourself some rest!

@CaloenasNicobarica I hope your psych appointment went well, and I hope you can get some relief from your advisor. They really, really ought to work with you since it's their responsibility to help you through this curriculum. Obviously you need to learn the material, but they're supposed to be on your side, facilitating things.

I'm looking forward to working with you on your math! I am indeed 3 hours ahead, on Eastern Standard Time. I actually only have a few softball games left! One is next Wednesday, and then there are two rainout makeup games towards the end of August. Then the playoffs if we make it, which I think we will - though not at a very high seed. I think we are 4-8. Hey, we have fun! The kids' schedule is so complicated and subject to tradeoffs as to almost be random, especially in the long term. They are not here tomorrow or next Tuesday night, and I do have them this weekend, but life's a bit more flexible on weekends.

Hmm…can't think of any college algebra books I can particularly recommend. I will think about it and let you know if anything comes to mind.

Thanks so much for the offer! I may well take you up on it, and it means a lot to me. And - I'll take that as an order, and queue up a little Legends of Tomorrow before bed! My damn self is heading to rest - yes, ma'am!

Talk to you soon.

@BurkeDevlin

Hoo, did my experiment today and labeled stuff. Took some pictures and now I'm gathering my sources and getting started with the paper. Should be short, it's pretty clearly labeled. Only requires two sources min, so that's good. Now I'm just sittin' down with my mocha yerba-mate milk tea and some snacks before I continue on.

I sincerely think you could be a consultant or do advice for people who struggle with these issues. Maybe garner corporate awareness for such things as well. Like as a side business or something you bloom into a full-time thing. Via your blog, or whatever you want or plan to start. People need to hear this side. Too often I'm slapped with either far right stuff, like that one dude I mentioned. Or far left stuff where it's embracing victimhood. Somewhere in between your info lies. A place where you can be empathetic to someone's situation, but encouraging- not in that stupid pep-talk kind of way. While still placing belief in their personal power, and also acknowledging people's limitations and what they have to work with or work towards. So I think you'd be a good for that. Maybe one day I'll be a success story of yours. XD

In regards to termagant. Puer started out similar. This charming, sensitive type of person. Chivalrous in a way, and shy. Romantic, even. There were certainly red flags, but they didn't happen as often as they do now. But they were pretty blazing. Now, he just lays on the couch trashing his health- being a lazy, whiny brat about everything. Never goes anywhere, does anything, will listen to anything, or lift a finger around the house. He's also pretty disturbed in the fact he runs away from intimacy, every form. To put it bluntly, I'm practically still a bride after 5 or 6 years of marriage. If I want anything of the sort, I'd have to go outside of the marriage for it. He freaks out if I even ask for anything of the like, and well... it's not worth it in the end. He's not very healthy on many levels. I'd say we're not even roommates- more like acquaintances. I don't even sleep next to him anymore.

Asked my psych about this stuff, he basically said that Puer has no mature coping mechanisms or knowledge of how to even deal with emotions. Like none. So he grasps onto disassociating and tantrums because he literally cannot handle anything or deal with anything. Emotions, especially. It's like a screaming baby. "He basically found a way to turn himself into a walking corpse". He goes to work, then comes back and disassociates for the rest of the day. Video games, Youtube, Netflix are where he lives. It's either that or his usual bratty passive aggressive self or a tantrum. They call this kinda stuff ambient abuse because it sets the tone and the mood for the relationship- it's just kind of there. Like you can't place a finger on it, but something's clearly wrong.

Anyway, I heard termagant's up to her usual things. Figured she'd ask for more money. People like that often go by a damn script it seems. Reminds me of my aunt a lot and my mom. Not good people. I'm sorry she's up to her usual hijinks. Don't work yourself too hard and thrash yourself over it. I'm glad you use exercise as an outlet, but please take care of yourself.

Good luck with your softball! <3 Fun is what matters! And hey, you get to socialize and what not. That's good, too. I wish your children didn't have to have such a random schedule. That sounds unnecessarily chaotic. Though, I doubt it was you who wanted to enforce such chaos. I'll probably be working on finishing up this paper tonight, but I'm okay to BS and the like.

OH! I thought of a good place to start for semi-healthy recipes. Cooking Light is a good source, and a magazine you might also be interested in. I use their recipes every so often. Yeah, there's some kale stuff and what not, but most of it is actually tasty and lighter variations of higher fat foods. A pretty good variety of light recipes, I'd say. I highly recommend a base cookbook like the Taste of Home cookbook for if you're just starting. Something that has really basic stuff. Then jumping off and getting like Alton Brown's stuff or the lighter kinda recipe books. Just depends on where you wanna go with it. I saw an Alton Brown book- hardcover, goin' for like 44.00 dollars. X_X; there's like 7 of them! SOB. Anyway, first world problems. XD

Hope you got some rest last night. Will you hear from ya later.

@BurkeDevlin

About ambient abuse. It's also stuff like gaslighting, history rewriting, truth twists, and basically the gamut of covert behaviors people like this use. Know for a fact we've both dealt with these on some level.

@CaloenasNicobarica Professional 'straight talk' career advice consultant? Hmm. You know, when we first moved here and bought this house, and sunk lots and lots of dollars into it unexpectedly, I actually did some math tutoring locally to make extra money. A lot of my clients were actually adults continuing education. Some teenagers. I've been pondering getting back into it, not so much for the money - though it helps - but even just to get out and meet people. I've honestly been too bitter to interact with people much, especially meet new ones, but m-a-y-b-e the tide is turning a little. What I thought I might do is work on a 'tips' basis since I don't really need so much money now. Someone would pay me based on the value of the session and what they could afford. Maybe I could toss the extra towards some of those cookbooks.

That kind of thing might work with career pointers as well. I might start talking that up among the (few) people I know, especially with the school year starting up. I'm actually signed up for a career fair at my alma mater in September to critique students' resumes. You've got my brain spinning. Thanks for the idea! (And you will definitely be a success story! You've got everything it takes. I'm buying your stock.)

The story of your marriage reads pretty sad. Puer is going to wake up one day and realize he lost a lot of good years (not to mention a good woman) in front of that screen. I'm very sorry you're not happy, but you have plenty of time. I did the acquaintance thing, too - when we weren't downright foes. The thing about any kind of intimacy is - maybe this is not a typical guy thing, but for me there has to be, not even love, necessarily, but…'like'? Peace? Any way you slice it, it's rough to be in that 'ambient abuse' environment. Like I said, though, you're going to be a turnaround story in every way.

Oh, the money. So I have been on her health insurance, but my company changed providers and had open enrollment in June / July. I told her about it and suggested that I take the opportunity to get on my company's plan so it's one less thing we have to manage in the divorce. She agreed that I should do that. Demanded I should do it, in fact. Nagged me about it several times. So, I did it. She asked me for a letter certifying my coverage and I gave it to her.

Now her school is apparently telling her they need a divorce decree or whatnot to remove me from the plan, and it's not as easy as she thought. So I get a series of calls and texts freaking out about 1) the cost - she wants to get reimbursed if there's a cost to her because I 'did all this without telling her' (false - see above) and 2) the fact that it may reflect badly on her at work. As usual, she's overreacting and creating drama where there needs to be none, but what bothers me is that she is trying to bully me into coughing up by forcing a false narrative down my throat.

Cooking Light - I've seen that magazine! I'll check it out, but here's my question. Does it have higher-calorie recipes where the calories are coming from nutritious sources? Part of my dilemma as I explore nutrition is that so much of it is geared to 'eating lighter' or weight loss. Excess weight is not my problem. I'm actually shooting for a manageable caloric surplus so I can add - say 10-15 pounds, of muscle, of course. I'm about 6 feet tall, weigh in the low 150s. So I don't say this as a disingenuous brag - I really am too skinny. I've been doing some strength training, so I like to think that this past year, I've upgraded to 'fit runner skinny' from 'pencil necked geek skinny' (or 'cancer patient skinny', as my ex used to say). Last time I was on a plane and had the window seat, I was delighted to find that I could rest comfortably against the wall without feeling my shoulder bone against it.

So when I'm out and stuff - I want to order the salad for the nutrition, but I want the calories of the loaded burger. Without all the 'bad' fats and sugars and stuff. Those are the kind of meals I'm trying to learn to make. But I'm a novice in these matters, so I'll be thrilled to follow your suggestions and pointers to books and what not. Thanks!

Good luck with your paper! Talk to you soon.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, if you happen to get this, I'll sit in Healthy Living for 5-10 minutes or so if you wanna take a break. If you're in the groove, talk to you another time soon!

So, for the middle picture. Pay attention only to the crappily highlighted parts. XD

https://ibb.co/guR3Ma
https://ibb.co/e9iTnF
https://ibb.co/kPZOMa

So. Here's some links to the images. The first hexagram was 49 which changed to 5. Revolution to Calculated Waiting. Also, the second and fourth lines were changing- and have special text which was...well highlighted in that derpy way.

Don't mean to link spam this thread. I was looking around on Cooking Light, and while yeah- lotta weight loss-centric kinda recipes. With some digging, there are some actual decent meals.

http://www.cookinglight.com/food/everyday-menus/quick-easy-beef-recipes

These are pretty simple and not weight loss focused. I know I mentioned it before, but this gives a better idea of what they actually have than the front page caked with 400 calories or less everything. Or simply diet this and that. You can use basic recipes for finding a nice, then making healthy substitutions. Like for pasta, you can use whole wheat varieties instead of the typical kind. Protip: Soba noodles are cheap and are a pretty good substitute for stuff like spaghetti.

If you want basic basic. There's French cooking in 10 Minutes. Short, sweet, to the point. Teaches you the basics of cooking stuff like sauces, soups, and what not. It's a bit dated so you'll have to adjust for stuff- but I absolutely adore the general tone of the book. Reminds you to enjoy your meals and live simply. Heck, that book led me to reconsider my habits and lose weight naturally. Gettin' back on that kick.

@CaloenasNicobarica Thanks for this! I hope you had a great day and that the report is coming along nicely, with assistance from your cat.

My kids and I had a sock matching party today. Large box of clean socks, snacks and music (some White Stripes). What else could you want on a Saturday night?

@BurkeDevlin

What a cute Saturday night.

My report is kinda to the wayside right now as I recover from some stuff that happened. Not due to Mr. Kitty or anything! He's been great! Kinda had some insanity go down over here. One of the reasons why I haven't really been around... Got an ear infection, and to top it off puer sees my sickness as an opportunity to lash out at me. So basically, I was in severe pain trying to get him to leave me alone because he wanted me to schedule a doctor's appointment- which I can do on my own. Nearly called the cops on him. Blocking exits, stalking, stomping, screaming, accusing, claiming to be my husband and treating me as an item thus- "putting his foot down". Yeah. Insane, much? How the hell did I put up with this crap? It's like I'm just waking up from a coma.

Needless to say, my report and experiment aren't in good condition. I missed a day on documenting stuff. Gonna fudge it, because whatever. I'll do better another time. Now's not the time to just restart that. I'm recovering from this stupid ear infection today, but I plan on getting things in alignment again and rushing into my other class- but I need to not rush too much. Planned on finishing it on the weekend or Mondayish but things. Feel like I need a LOT of self-care as of late. And by whatever is Divine, why can't you bless the good people with a million or so bucks and a good mate? Not the most mentally unstable from Satan's toybox! /statement>

@BurkeDevlin

Apologies for the insanity, aside. I forgot to ask about your daughter's game! Did she win and revel in some FroYo? :) Your sock party sounded like good clean fun. Glad that such delightful little memories are being created. Certainly helps balance things out. Hope you're doing okay, it seems like if you got sick you'd still be gettin' calls from work every few hours. But you seem like a fit, healthy kinda guy which is good! But anyway, how's life?

I just remembered! The math thing! You mentioned it before again and I derped. X____X; Next week or weekend I'd be up for finally starting my study sessions with you in the Student Life section! That is, if you don't have to go on some business trip or have other obligations like running a marathon and whatnot.

@CaloenasNicobarica Ouch! I hope your ears are feeling better! My old boss here - before he left and I got his job - used to get ear infections every so often and I would needle him that he was the only adult I knew who kept getting them. Now there are two. My son was very prone to them when he was really little, actually - poor guy used to really suffer. We almost got to the point of having to put the tubes in his ears. So, I feel for you.

OMG, my ex used to do the 'blocking exit' thing too. When she had something on her mind, or needed to discuss something or get my agreement or whatever - it always had to be now, regardless of how I was feeling or what I was doing. She would stand in a doorway and badger me, and basically dare me to physically move her out of the way. I would ask her to excuse me and she would actually say, "Make me." Or, if she was on the warpath about something and I really didn't want to argue about it, say, in front of the kids, I might take refuge somewhere in the house and she would literally force doors open to get at me. I actually can remember once or twice she only backed off when I started dialing the township police. Absolutely no respect for boundaries.

Looking back, I can't believe that I used to live that way, and not so long ago, and I am so very sorry that you do at the moment. *Solidarity hugs*

A million bucks and a good mate! Wouldn't that be nice? I'm here to tell you, though, Nic, that the sky really is the limit for you in both of those areas and in all walks of life. And I don't say that to minimize or make light of the struggles I know you face with anxiety and depression, and recovery from some pretty scary stuff. Rather, I don't want you to lose sight of the potential you have and why those struggles are so worthwhile. You are so intelligent, and you may not have a 'traditional' background, but you're going to show yourself capable of many things that most people just can't do. I have a rough idea how young you are, and there's plenty of time for you to build a rewarding (in many senses) career. That translates into the personal / romantic sphere as well - you have loads of time and you'll find that you really stand out among your peers. You have so many interests and you're easy to talk to - just great company and that's where everything starts.

Thanks for asking about my daughter's soccer, but no games yet - her team is still practicing 3x/week. Games start around the start of the school year, so early September, I think. Don't even know what color shirts they will be. So I bring my 'soccer chair' and sit at the sidelines for practice, which I must admit is nice because it's time I can sneak a little reading in. (Finally finished that Hamilton biography!) Hopefully she starts the year better than I performed at my softball game yesterday - not a good day at the plate. One solid hit and got on base with my wheels another time after an infield bobble. Played a solid third base, though - not flawless, but hey, this isn't MLB.

Life is OK, thanks. I did lose that employee; he told me this evening that he's pretty set on this other opportunity. Too bad, and now I have to start recruiting with some urgency. It's my first resignation in 3 1/2 years running this group - not a bad streak, I suppose. I take some solace in the hope that I'm doing something right by growing people's careers to the point where I'm preparing them for better opportunities, even if they aren't here.

Not too much of a personal life outside my kids - things'll get a little busier when they start school, I guess. Sometimes I think I should be more social, but my heart's not always in it. I have this weekend free - still a strange feeling! Lots to get done around the house, and hey - I have been doing a little writing actually. Worked on some stuff last weekend and might get a few articles polished up to try and publish somewhere. I'm so critical of my own work, though. My own worst editor. You're a writer, I'm sure you know how that is!

And yay, math! Let's do it! I'll put off the marathon for a shot at some algebra. And I should be staying on solid ground for awhile, though in this crazy joint, you never know. If you mean next weekend (26th/27th), I have the kids but later in the evening works. Thursday / Friday look free. Friday night might be good, actually. How about for you?

How's everything on your end?

@BurkeDevlin

Yay, finally not stuck in bed! Thanks, my ears are doing better after that regimen and a lot of bed rest. Can't say the same for my report that needs to be completed. XD Oh well, lifey life life. Ear infections really suck. Misery loves company- wonder if he had chickenpox late as well? I got the "childhood" stuff later in life. This ear infection business I think needs to be taken to a specialist, though. It also might be connected to my allergies and some other stuff, either way! I'm glad they didn't have to use tubes on your son- ugh hate that kinda stuff. Make the poor little guy even more uncomfortable. Sounds like from what you're sayin' they're out of ear infection land, though! :)

Your ex... ;-; WTF. We need to lock her and puer in a vault. That's pretty much exactly what went on here, it's rare to explode into what it did....but when he sees me and I'm weak or something he can't handle it. First, there's a "discussion" that starts and is followed by an argument where I'm usually "wrong" about something. Even just talking nowadays turns into them saying "No, it's this." or a variation and HAVING to be RIGHT. Not sure how someone can exist solely to counter/argue/"SUGGEST". It's horrid- because politely saying or not being okay with them turns into these tantrums/wars. Emotional dysregulation to the max. Cannot tell you how freaky it was to see him with his eyes bulging out of his head and to pins saying, "I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU!" like a freakin' lunatic. Yeah, no. I recorded a minute of the tail end of the arguing which I will bring to my psych on Thursday. Though, it's probably just me trying to get him to "Leave me the hell alone!" and crying as he stomps, blocks, and freaks out. I keep saying next time I'm gonna phone the police- I really need to. It's scary and I don't like being seen or dealing with authorities- but seriously. For safety's sake if anything.

Like, I have a question if you don't mind? I don't have children in this situation- which I'm lucky for. But how do you deal with the aftermath of all that insanity via your ex? Do you explain to them how that's not how a proper person acts? How do you cope with that? I've seen a lot of children go to therapy sessions during divorces for this kinda stuff specifically. It's so easy to blame yourself when you're a wee one. That must have some different aspects to it. Sorry if it was out of bounds to ask. I was simply curious.

And thanks for the hugs! I send some back at you. *throws a hug into the transporter beam*

It'd be awesome if we had a million dollars and a good mate, but I'm just being bratty and going all nice gal TM. XD GRR! You're being so niiiiice! Damn you. My psych says the same stuff and then other people I've spoken with. Hopefully, this bizarre 32-year-old will have many gents and much money. XD In regards to this seriously, though... my situation with things and how chaotic things have gotten. I did yet another I Ching reading and got 37 Family, static. In relation to my academic studies and getting back on track. Basically, it's about knowing your role within a social construct. Apparently, I see it with great clarity. However, I'm not sure so much. By knowing this role I will be effective and have no difficulties. Hmm... I plan on bringing this to psych on Thursday. It's very possible what you speak of is my actual role that I cannot see through all the fog and calamity. I thank you for your words, and I will not throw them away. You're always so uplifting and empathetic to others and myself included. I only wish that I can have words for when you need them as well.

As for sports and family, it seems things are going to get rather busy for you! I have no idea what season is for what anymore. That's a lot of practice- that's good. Many victories to her and yourself as well. Wish I knew how to Klingon that right now. XD BTW What's the deal with this Hamilton thing I keep hearing about? Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Are people actually reading something interesting instead of the typical fanfic-y kinda stuff? That's refreshing, if so! And hey, at least you're doing something. It's good to get out there and at least deal with other humans and such. Feel like sports is more about improvement than anything.

It doesn't sound like it's anything personal from that gentleman, but I can definitely understand questioning yourself about it. 3 1/2 years is pretty good from what I've heard. Good luck with everything and sorting all that in order. Seems like you have a lot of chaos to put into order yourself. Remember to give yourself some down time! Hopefully, things are evening out for you.

Housework and writing, that sounds familiar. XD Articles? Hmm! It feels good to write and actually finish something. Though, it always seems incomplete some how or unfinished. Imperfect. Your own worst editor, indeed! I keep telling myself that revision is also part of the process. Though, that prima donna writer in me feels all huffy about it. C_C; What genre or type of articles are you working, if I may ask? Sounds pretty interesting. Good luck with your writing soul journey! <3

Grrr mathy maths! ;-; Algebra over a marathon, startling. XD But I am appreciative your eccentricities! Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed for anything on the previous weekend. My Thursday evenings are dedicated to shrink time so every week I'm booked at that time. Friday is pretty good for me the 25th, whenever you wanna ping me on that. Whenever on the weekend is fine, too. Just whenever you feel except Thursday. XD

Was gonna ask you about a good book to get as a physical copy for programming. Focused on Android preferably. Open to any computer science or other books or references that'd be good to have a physical copy of. And I hate to be a broken record, but could you look at these two math books I found on Amazon the other day? Curious which one you would recommend- or neither of them. XD I dunno! Feel like I need a physical book for my college algebra especially.

No-Nonsense Algebra by Richard W. Fisher and Practical Algebra: A Self-Teaching Guide, 2nd Ed. by Peter H. Selby.

Kinda leaning more towards the Practical one at this moment but not sure. Feel like I'd do better with the book besides the online class format which isn't necessarily bad. I like the quizzes they have and such. Hmm, just read that the Practical one doesn't have any graphs. Blah.

Besides that... life. Hung out outside yesterday for the eclipse. I live in an area where it got dim but not purely night. What a very eerie kind of thing. Did a little ritual outside this time and burnt offerings- it was also a new moon. You can't have an eclipse without a new moon. That was kind of nice. Been working on my spiritual cultivation again. Reading more esoteric works and the like. More focus on internal workings. It's been kinda diffcult lately. With the insanity and all.

And getting laughingly accused of being insane myself by the guy who freaked out and tantrummed for no freakin' reason. The other day when we were in the chatroom BSing someone jokingly called me insane as well. Really don't need to hear it. I get I have the mad nun or monk thing going on- but seriously. Been told by nutso people that I'm the one with problems far too long. ...and saying that makes me feel more...uh, out there. XD I reserve the right to be called nuts by people who know me well and find it endearing. lol I don't know.

It looks like my mobile dev class is NOT getting switched out. Talked to my mentor today and school policy states that due to the nature of the back and forth between the student and mentor you the classes are therefore static. Also brought up how I probably won't really be able to do algebra yet. He had a very ambitious solution. Basically, WORKING AROUND those classes. Now, most mentors would've stated I'm completely screwed! But technically, you can "accelerate" these extra classes regardless of having finished the other ones. So that's how I'm going to get my satisfactory academic progress. Looks like I can finally do this again. He's been positive and pretty good about it. So, yeah. Don't feel completely boned by it now. XD I still plan on studying algebra with you and Sal Khan, though! I WILL get it, damn it! I want to enjoy math as much as I enjoy the sciences.

And how's life for you this week/weekend? Things calming down?

@CaloenasNicobarica I'm so glad your ears are better!

Calming down? Oh, just the opposite. This week has been pure madness. So I have this resignation happening, involving way more drama than it ought to. I had another employee literally in tears on the phone with me Friday. A third smells blood in the water and called me Monday to demand a big raise.

Saturday morning at my daughter's soccer practice I got a text from our UK director; we had this huge crisis that consumed most of the weekend because our product had a long outage at our biggest UK customer early in the morning. Mega fallout - then that same customer had another outage at a different site Tuesday at 5PM (US time).

I was also given a deadline for our next software release, in light of all these problems, that's...um...aggressive.

Ugh.

I did go to a concert with my daughter tonight. It was nice.

I will pick up the other threads in a bit - and good question about kids and divorce, not out of order at all. I did take a look at those books. 'Practical Algebra' is older and - while algebra hasn't changed (naturally!), techniques have, and the other one looks a bit more visual and interactive. A little more 'modern' as best I could tell from the samples and excerpts that were available on Amazon. I guess it depends on what kind of learner you are - more visual or textual / by example.

Hopefully that was a little helpful - assuming I've made it to Friday with my sanity intact, we have a date with some math! Let me know what topics you're working on.

I hope your week has been much less eventful than mine!

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! Thinking of you and hoping your psych session went well tonight. If you need to talk or vent about how it went, please feel free. Hopefully he or she can give you some understanding and some tips for dealing with the arguments and everything, because I know better than most how stressful that can make someone's home.

It really is such a challenge to divorce with kids, and try and shield them from all of the insanity. Was I (am I) always perfect? No, for sure. But I can say truthfully that I've always tried. You have to walk a fine line between letting them know what's normal and what's not acceptable, versus not trying to badmouth or turn them against the other parent. Especially after it became clear that there was no point in arguing, when she got on the warpath and it was really bad, I tended to just leave the room or, if necessary, the house. She hated that. So she would manipulate my daughter into feeling like I was leaving her, and tearfully asking me not to do that. Yeah. What was I supposed to say? All I could say was that I know how upset she got when mommy and I would fight, so I was doing everything I could to make that not happen.

I just can't tell them their mom is a nutjob. It wouldn't be fair to them. It is their mom. I think the best I can do, especially since I have my own house with them now, is try and set an example for how people in a household ought to behave. They're smart kids, they'll see the difference between how things go down in one house vs. the other. A couple of weekends ago, my daughter asked to talk to me, on the verge of tears. She was straightening up her room and tried to pull something off the wall that was stuck, and ended up ripping the drywall a little. She tried googling for how to fix it, tried mixing her paints to approximate the color of the wall in hopes she could hide it, and finally came and fessed up.

I just couldn't get mad at her. I gave her a hug and told her not to stress and that her feelings were more important than the rip in the wall, she offered to pay the cost of the fix out of her birthday money, and I said absolutely not. It was OK, and we'd figure it out.

My ex? Yeah, she would've freaked.

The Hamilton craze hasn't reached your neck of the woods? There is a huge hit show on Broadway based on Hamilton and his life. I'd love to go see it, but I'd need that million dollars and a good mate. So at least I read the biography it was based on. My mom gave it to me after she finished it. Great book, but pretty intense. For a pallete cleanser, I'm reading this much shorter book about the Compromise of 1850. I enjoy US political history with a passion that probably explains why I have so few friends.

Speaking of which, some of what I'm writing is in that vein, with an eye towards starting a blog. I figure, if I get a head start with a bunch of stuff pre-written, I won't get discouraged when weeks like this happen where I can't really focus on any kind of hobbies or recreational writing. I would like at least a few people to see the things I think are interesting (history, math, whatever else) the way that I see them and I hope I'm talented enough to do that. I'm also writing some 'professional' stuff on topics like information theory and some favorite textbooks; might post that on LinkedIn as well if any of it turns out any good.

Good Lord, this post is getting pretty nerdy. Sorry 'bout that. How about you, prima donna? You probably have less time than you'd like to write as well, but are you working on anything interesting?

Sal and I stand ready to assist you in not only getting your algebra done, but loving it! Hope to 'see' you tomorrow.

Have a great night!

@BurkeDevlin

Sounds like you had a rough week! Don't they say things happen in threes? Sounds like you had six. X___X; You recoverin' okay? Making sure to rest your weary bones and all? I really don't know how you do all that. Very impressive, it sounds daunting to a life newbie like me!

Balancing work life and your family obligations. I'm glad you're making time for them. Even the seemingly smallest kindnesses are remembered fondly. <3 Don't worry about the other threads so much. Sounds like we both had our rush of insanity lately. Variations, of course.

Yeah, those math books. O____O; Not sure what to do about them. My online course is interactive and has little mini certification and problem generators which I'm cool with. Sometimes they give you too much info to slog through, sometimes hardly any. Most of the time it feels like "Here's the thing. Do it." I even got video seminars from my professors that I watch but there's so much to go through and sometimes the topic isn't even covered. Khan Academy will cover things quite well but sometimes they'll order stuff differently and it's hard to find in comparison to my other study material. Takes a lot of digging to find what I really need. So something comprehensive but will explain decently. Whatever techniques work and make sense are fine with me! I learn by doing a lot. Sometimes I need to read it, but I'm practically a rainbow with my learning styles- I need a little bit from every type.

As far as the topics go for this time- intro to the coordinate/Cartesian plane and graphing linear equations. My main problem is figuring out the weird equations they want you to do. I'll try to study the lesson a bit more before I study with you later. I originally got freaked out because the problems were appearing in a lesson where they were only hinted at and not wholly covered. I'm okay with the quadrants and basic navigation of the plane. But these silly equations trouble me. I can easily get a picture uploaded later of practice problems or what have you. Also, OMFGWTFBBQ fractions on the coordinate plane. *dies* Being a melodramatic teenager here for a sec. XD

Psych stuff went alright. Might come back to that topic in a bit. There were a lot of bitter truths, especially about myself. Remembering things can be hard and sometimes I don't remember all of them. Not sure if I mentioned this...but... I essentially can't remember 70% of my past. Only snippets, feelings, and the general state of things. Though some memories resurface, others I wish wouldn't. Don't really think I'm missing anything, honestly.

By whatever Divinities be floating about, that sounds very bitter-sweet. Even though I felt a great deal of sadness and weight in your words, I could feel the earnest, unconditional acceptance and love of your daughter. Totally know how that feels with the screwing up only to be faced by a psycho parent. Also why I struggle with math so much. I'm just glad you're simply showing your humanity and dadness. It was heartbreaking to read that, and must've been so scary for her. She went to such lengths to cover it up, but it was very brave for her to finally come to you and admit it. Truth is the first step to being a lady. It's such a frightening place to be when truth is seen as an "assault". Thanks for responding to that question. Even though we're pretty different and I'm not a parent, I still feel for your plight and send my well wishes for their future and yours. Stability, prosperity, growth, and healing.

Dunno how many people are all Hamilton crazy here per-say. Just see a lot of stuff online, where I pretty much conduct my business mostly. I live in a weird pocket where fidget spinners are still huge and sold out. Not many people around here are interested in American stuff, mostly inflammatory kind of uniqueness to put it politely. Which is sad, because I feel like American history is especially compelling in the times we live in. But Hamilton might bridge the gap over here? I don't know. Don't really talk to physical people much. Hopefully, that'll change soon. Interesting books you read. We need scholars of all kinds, you know! Maybe you'd be a good museum curator? That passion could egg on future generations to be intrigued! It's a beautiful thing, indeed. ...and you stop with those digs on yourself! Yeah, it's no doubt nerdy. But that doesn't mean it isn't part of us. That we can't be liked for being fodder for shoving into lockers! What I've learned lately is that we ARE good enough, even with our dorky, nerdy ass selves. You especially fine sir.

Would love to see your works. I can give them a look over if you want, but I sure ain't a professional. Sounds like you have a solid goal. With all the chaos and hellfire it can turn recreational/hobby kinda stuff into pressured and not fun. Have heard that giving yourself small goals like writing even one sentence can help you start when things get rough. I don't doubt your talent. Good luck with everything. Hope you find some calm within the storm to hammer out some articles.

I'm donna-ing and prima-ing like you wouldn't believe. My time management needs serious work, then I think it'd come to fruition. Maybe I could cut time from the big block of ethereal Chronos or something. Am editing a paper right now for a science class, asked for help from someone and they took over half of the paper. Lazy part of me is somewhat happy, rest of me is infuriated since I need to do it myself. Would've done it myself if I wasn't so tired and spacing out.

Besides that, I wrote a short story about a man and woman meeting in their hometown. Within this forest where a bizarre occurrence happens- inspired by Edogawa Rampo's works in an Ero-Guro vein. Another story I haven't finished is one where a woman is shopping with a man on a fine day, and she eats him alive while going on a shopping spree. Usually, it's a woman who is on the receiving end of selling herself off in this way. Thought it'd be interesting to have a role reversal. Anyone can sell their souls and their very blood. Do you write many short stories? I bet you'd write some good period pieces. You seem very thorough and detailed, so I'm curious how you're fiction would turn out. Not the product outlines or what have you. XD

Woot! Dad jokes everywhere. Can't wait to see what you're made of with this terrifying math stuff! Someone that tamed the fire-breathing dragon, I'm learning wizardy! Ping me on here when you're ready and we can get started.

Mini Rant.

Puer's been on a "health kick" after he decided to lose weight because "his brother is a fatass". C____C; So there's been this weird competition going on that I don't even want where he brags about losing weight and counting calories. I've just kept quiet and did my thing. He walks up to me today saying that he's into WELLNESS- and that he's "mentally, spiritually and physically at peace home". ....Y'know... yeah. No words. The punky teenager in me scoffs and asks wtf he's smoking. So many issues with this guy that are pretty much being ignored and not addressed. Reminds me of how brave people are on here to face their own problems/troubles and improve.

As someone who IS trying to focus on wellness, and with all the ways to focus on wellness or health... Can totally tell you that virulent mentality ain't gonna help anything. The things that fall out of the mouth of these types. It's hard but, I'm trying to just look at things objectively and observe without interacting or taking the bait. Swear it's like some people live on a different plane.

@CaloenasNicobarica I'll set up the thread for our study session in a little bit and tag you. Working on getting it started.

@CaloenasNicobarica Well, I hope you had as much fun with that algebra as I did.

And I am trying to get some rest as best I can this weekend. I'm realizing how long it's been since I had an actual vacation (April), and thinking I need a little time off in the fall. Today I just did some yard work and other stuff around the house, then the kids came by and we've been hanging out.

I don't you'd mentioned that there are so many things you can't remember, although you've alluded to the way you've had to grow up and I know you're pretty estranged from your family. It really seems like you're being called upon to do something that most of us couldn't really even contemplate. To overhaul your life and conquer so many demons without even the support of a healthy family behind you. I mean, at least I have / had that - so I can't even imagine. I'd like you to know that someone understands just how difficult it is, but nevertheless believes you are a special breed that can and will create her happiness. You have the courage to look to the way you want to live and to take the actions that will bring you there. I am really, really impressed by that.

We all have those bitter truths. Just remember that some of them aren't such truths at all, but our minds' way of holding us back a little. Also, don't judge yourself too harshly on them, and above all don't let them dictate your future. And I know you're too smart to get sucked into any kind of calorie-counting competitions with Puer. It's great if he wants to improve himself, physically or otherwise - sounds like a weak motivation, but hey, whatever works. Just don't let him make you feel badly in any way, OK?

Hmm. You're right, of course, about 'good enough'. I struggle with that a lot, beneath the self-deprecating jokes - I mean, I always have somewhat, but you got me thinking about how it's been different lately. Part of it is starting to reach an age when you begin to fear the slide into irrelevancy both socially and professionally. I understand in my head that it doesn't have to be that way, but it feels like it for me. Mainly, though, I just really don't fit in where I live. It's not a geek-friendly sort of place. People are nice and all, but it's very blue-collar and anti-intellectual. The Boston area was totally different - I felt more comfortable being me with all of my quirks. Everyone else here is a ruggedly attractive sports fanatic - my 'math professor' schtick doesn't play.

Thanks for your interest in my stuff! I'll see if I can find a way to pass some drafts under the table to you when they're ready. Your opinions would be very valuable! It's always nice to get another pair of eyes, especially another writer, and actually an intelligent person (like you) who may not be familiar with the subject of the articles would be absolutely golden. Because the idea is to educate and inform the people who would seek these topics out; i.e., those who aren't familiar with them but have the intellectual curiosity to want to learn more.

I think my fiction would turn out pretty messy! I love your ideas and would love to read them if it's possible, but no pressure. I write fiction really badly - haven't even tried in so long - because I don't write characters well. How do you write the actions and motivations - not to mention dialogue - for a character that's nothing like you? Like I admit - I don't think I could write a believable female character, because obviously I've never been one.

A lot of the sci-fi I've read suffers from this, actually. (So maybe I don't feel so bad.) I prefer 'hard SF' with a basis in at least theoretically realistic extrapolations of 'real' science, but some writers who are magnificent at coming up with grand, thought-provoking ideas aren't as good at making the characters three-dimensional and the dialogue realistic and it just takes you out of the story.

Maybe one day I'll try again. Like if all this work stress causes a breakdown and I end up getting fired with lots of time on my hands. Period pieces? Intriguing idea. I actually have ideas floating around, to the tune of exploring the interconnectedness between different times and places. Sounds vague, but it is vague at the moment. I'm a bit fascinated by human longevity - the idea that a child and a very elderly person can be the same person, having lived in two very disjoint times in history. Like, it blows my mind that my parents were alive at the same time as veterans of the Civil War.

Have a great rest of the weekend, you budding math wizard!

@BurkeDevlin

Have to admit, was pretty nervous! I felt pretty vulnerable and kinda struggling with toxic shame at having to admit my lack of understanding. It's something I'm working on. Shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mentality. Hoo, complete flip. In the end, it was actually quite enjoyable and informative. So I'm glad that you could provide me with an opportunity to address my mathematical vulnerabilities. <3

Glad to hear you're taking some time for yourself. From what you've said on here, you certainly do deserve a vacation! Seriously. Room service and all! Do you go by yourself or with your children typically? I guess it matters? I've no idea about that kinda stuff. Either way, some R&R should be had. Memories made and all that.

I was at one point worried I had DID or some disassociative disorder besides my other stuff. Took this huge 200 or so question quiz and had my psych figure it out. I do have some disassociation going on, but not like DID or something. Maybe the closest would be DD-NOS or something? Can't remember.... LOL. I kinda laugh at it because I judge writers harshly who use the amnesiac hero trope too often. XD Anyway, it freaks me out if I think about it too much. It's no wonder I have a meltdown every so often or get anxious/panic/depressed. Just overwhelmed. I'm just glad others don't have to deal with this- because(perhaps, being melodramatic) they probably would've either offed themselves or died. I don't really talk about everything that went on... and I don't mean to be all speshul snowflayke. Not meant to be all Les Miserables or something, it's just I have no idea how I even did looking back- on the fragments at least. I thank you for your gentle kindness, it's kind of embarrassing to me. XD But it's nice.

Oh, and that reminds me...you wanted a ritual or some kind of methods for cleansing and returning your home space to your own. Hit me up one of these days and we can figure out what is meaningful to you to essentially reshift those energies. If it gets too fruity, tell me. XD

The age when guys buy sports cars and date younger women type of thing? That's not cool. Know when I hit 30 I had a meltdown, so can only imagine how that must feel. Especially with the situation you got going on. It sounds like you might have some grief to work through. Which is nothing to be ashamed of. I could be wrong. You've said a lot about how you don't fit in there. Well, what you said before about Boston and how you were connected to the historical aspects of it sounded "welcoming" or at least gave that feel. But, what if that feeling doesn't go away even when you're there? The grass is greener on the other side as they say. But that doesn't mean you should keep stuck in a place you don't like. And for what it's worth, I absolutely love dealing with you. And as you've said to me many times, you will find those who will respect and share in your accomplishments positively. There is a place for you, and I think you can do great things still. Your dreams at right there for the taking. Listen to your historical scholarly heart. And! If anything older guys who are truly mature are more attractive than insecure young'uns. Just an aside. XD

I like geek(typed greek on accident) kind of stuff and would actively join a Fleet Ship. Been burned by the local geek culture and even the ones up north aren't exactly accepting of me. I don't go around picking fights or alphaing everywhere. Just... seriously. Geeks around here love Puer(and where I go where there's more geekiness) , but absolutely cannot endure me. Maybe it was because of my awkwardness- but...geeks. O_O; Heaven knows what would happen in Seattle or near there. I find it tiring. But I do understand about wanting to be accepted for who you are and being in an area where you can get your geek/quirks on. It's just sad when other geeks follow a dogma and such. Not to mention my political views are vastly different, even with my in the middle stance with very slight conservative leaning views.

Feel like with geek culture and around where I live for being "for the people, by the people" these people will rip you apart if you say something they dislike and are not completely assimilated. It's gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable joking or even talking about certain subjects in public due to the liberal bullying that happens. Have you heard of the Evergreen stuff? Seriously. That's the area I deal with. Not cool. Thought different points of view and beliefs should be appreciated? Nope. Same thing in geek culture. I dislike cosplay/conventions and have straight up been told by other people to go sleep with a bunch of guys, do drugs, and get drunk because I'm not "open-minded" enough. I liked old school cons, and such but...nowadays the culture is different and very competitive/negative. It's sad. We should be celebrating our mutual likes not embracing petty narcissism. So I have to hide the fact I dislike it. And wish I could just tell those people they didn't invent those characters, so quit acting like you're all awesome for portraying something elaborately. It does take skill, but don't gloat over playing dress-up. From someone who wears gypsy clothing, petticoats, 50s dresses, goth and loli-esqe stuff. I refuse to be "unique" in a way that is enforced by these subcultures. Rant over. Sorry about that Burkeyboo. I just hope that the geek movement or whatever finds its true heart of misfit acceptance- like the dorky kids we probably both used to be who sat at the table with the other nerds and discussed this and that.

My eyes are yours for that endeavor. XD I know there's the literature club on here, or you could just post it in here. Intelligent? COO! *flaps wings* I guess. I can't wait to see what you come up with! We need more good quality articles in this world of celebrity click bait. One of these days I'll post some of my work after some revision, it's...uh...lacking in quality as of late- mainly due to putting off writing. Anyway, fiction can be tricky- especially where you have to craft a world of your own out of scratch for fantasy/scifi or do a historical based one(unless that's your jams). So, Stan Lee taught me a lot about writing. It's called the F--- it adjustment. Sometimes you just gotta say to hell with this and just do whatever. Gamma radiation. Poof. There's a documentary about him on Netflix that gave me a lot of ideas as to the F-- it adjustment that needs to be implemented when getting obsessed about the details. Other than that, practice. And don't be afraid to use tropes. I usually don't balk at gender anymore, it's one aspect but the trope or schtick is more important for characters. Who knows? Maybe not. XD But things are there to be used as a reason, plenty of guys can write female characters decently. Just takes practice and introspection, and the F--- it adjustment. lol It's so easy to get stuck on the facts and then characters are secondary like you said with hard scifi.

Thinking of aging that way almost makes it sound foreign. I guess when you really take time to think about it, it's freakin' amazing. Especially with ancestors like you described. Bringing that kind of thinking to the table would make for an interesting novel. Showing that connection, but also the opposing aspect of change and historical influences. Think you have something here.

Here it is the middle of the week. Hope you're faring well. And that no one else decides to quit or chew the wires!

How's life? School started, so probably pretty busy?

Seriously. Vacation. Even if it's a day trip. You deserve it.

Hm, dunno if I should call them liberals or more SJWs. Feels like the latter is more appropriate because you can be liberal and not an SJW, maybe? Then again, I don't know. I don't care for sharing my political beliefs, have seen you have troubles on here due to it- seemed like a misunderstanding or something...I dunno. But either way, it's kinda hard bein' in the middle with things with all the splitting. Remember you said you were in the middle, left leaning. Which is totally cool. Guess us middlers will have to stick together. lol

Anyway, sorry for whinin' about the decline of nerd culture and that kind of stuff. Been pretty depressed and not feeling very accepted IRL- here is fine, though. So I thank you for taking the trouble to listen/read my negativity. I just hope things chill and people can laugh together about stuff on either side again. May we both find nerdiness that suits us and is positive.

@CaloenasNicobarica Good evening!!

Don't be embarrassed, you deserve some gentle kindness, I would say. And it makes me feel good that you had fun mathin' with me despite initial reservations. Do not worry about not understanding anything. You've a brilliant mind, but we all have our weak spots. I'm happy to chat algebra, and in fact I'm around all Labor Day weekend - maybe we can squeeze in some of that spiritual feng shui for me. I love dealing with you too!

LOL - don't worry about my midlife crisis yet! I'm riding my 2006 Toyota Matrix into the ground, and I'm not dating at all, let alone younger women. Thanks for all the encouragement, though. It does mean a lot to me. I'm not always the best at adapting to change, I guess. I hear you about the grass being greener. I just feel like I don't fit into the culture around here, though. I should probably stop before I sound like a snob.

I remember, though, about 5 years ago, being at a total loss when we went as a family to the 2nd birthday party of a family friend's child. In the den you had all the guys talking about things that interested me not at all - hockey, heavy machinery, and home improvement if I remember. In the kitchen you had all the women talking about things that interested me even less - mostly other people they knew. So I figured someone should keep an eye on the kids and went into the living room with a gaggle of two- to six-year-olds (including my two). I had more fun.

I must admit it's my fault to a point. I really haven't made more than a perfunctory, now-and-then effort to build any kind of social life. I just can't seem to get - and stay - motivated.

Wait, nerd culture can be insular and exclusionary? Who knew? Haha. I do know what you mean, and rant away. You can get in a lot of trouble for having different political views in the context of a fictional framework - never mind real life! I was such a dorky kid, I didn't even sit at the table with the other nerds - more often by myself, as I've always been sort of a loner. I've been on comic collecting websites in the past and in one sense they're great because I'm into the history of the medium and a lot of knowledgeable people post there - but you also see a lot of guys showing off, and looking down on others' interests, and some who clearly spend way beyond their means to 'keep up', collection-wise.

It's funny, but I sort-of dated this girl in grad school briefly - very casually, never even kissed her - but I chuckle because after years of being too nerdy to even think about dating, essentially one of the reasons it didn't work out was because I wasn't nerdy enough. When we were at a party and she started reminiscing with some guy about their respective college Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, I knew it was doomed before it started.

Thing about politics is, it feels like this is such a polarizing time, but really, it was ever thus. The issues of the day ruined friendships in Hamilton's era (when you could argue without hyperbole that American democracy was truly at stake), and talking about the pre-Civil War era - hoo boy. I think that you and I seem to share a trait of being independent thinkers who don't do dogma well. I'm not on anyone's 'team' and my political opinions go where my sense of fairness takes me. On today's scale, I'm probably moderate, leaning left, with a streak of pragmatic libertarianism. Making policy for a nation of 300 million people is very complex and nuanced in ways that don't fit into sound bites or convention speeches. I wish more people would admit that. I have this natural inclination to at least try to consider multiple sides of a question and find common ground.

Honestly, it made my marriage very hard, because I would approach our issues like a diplomat, and she like a pit bull prosecutor. You can imagine how that tended to go. I got the short end of enough issues that the resentment began to build very early. Eventually I started digging my heels in too. The divorce negotiations are tough, too - this week we're trying to get a set of papers we can both sign off on, and it's been stressful. My biggest fear is that - now or in the event - we are going to end up in a long expensive fight over her trying to move the kids to her boyfriend's. She's backed off on her promise not to. I'm really very scared and worried about this.

I guess that answers how my week has gone! I really want this to be over as soon as possible. School started today, though! I went out to the bus stop to see them off. My son came running up to meet me with a big hug. My daughter's 10, so she had to play it cool. She had a soccer scrimmage this evening, so I went and watched. So proud.

I'm glad you feel accepted here! And hopefully that comes IRL as well. Room service will be nice, but I'd settle for a short break from customers and deadlines! Day trip, though? Hmm. Could hit NYC in the fall maybe. Not too far and always something going on there.

How's your week going? Having fun with that physics? (I love physics too.)

*Hugs* 'See' you soon!

@BurkeDevlin

Whooooo! Labor day weekend, maybe we can math it up for some fun or whatever. It's still really warm here, was gonna bake bread today but still too hot. I'd send some bread over to you through the screen but I find that a lot of folks are gluten-free now so my treats don't make it very far. Maybe I should try baking some GF stuff just to see how it ends up? Hmmmm~.

Well, I still thank you for that kindness. Which reminds me! Ritual of kindness later! Anyway, I'm glad it seems that way, I guess. Still feel kinda derpy, but I think everyone derps or feels that way sometimes. Wait! I need to be thankful, so thank you for your comment on my brilliance! Rainbows! I certainly wouldn't mind sharing a spell or technique with you later. I can also do a reading from the Book of Changes if it suits you. I have other ways, too. But I just love the practical and down to earth advice it gives. I also have nothing to do this weekend, and will most likely be available, bored, and doing school work. Maybe the ice cream dude'll come by? He finally came back again~!

That sounds like a hot ride. In the lacking air conditioner sort of way. I'm glad you're still good! Change is hard. Think one of the reasons I put up with my current situation and stuff at home so long was just trying every effort to NOT change. Because it's way easier and at least you know what'll happen- sad, but true. I want to move somewhere else, too. Not my jams where I'm at. So I hear ya, keep the dream! You'll be somewhere you like eventually. With a good historical culture, and even your nerd-dom allowed and embraced! Yay!

LOL I love how much of a stereotype you paint for that gathering. It's so true, though. Either side seemed lacking. While I feel really nervous and weirded out by children, I like their enthusiasm and simplicity. For some reason children really like me, or else you get ones that're creeped out. I sound like a fairy or something that escaped the Grimms books. XD Anyway, that's great. I'm glad the young'uns were a respite from the "maturity" going on in the other rooms.

Socializing is hard. There's a lot to do to keep a friendship, but maybe I'm overthinking it? Maybe not so much? It shouldn't feel like a chore to be friends with someone. Can be quite a disconnect. I get so lost in my damn head with different things that I feel bad when I just don't keep up my end. Gettin' better lately! Yay.

Maybe termagant influenced that part of you? With puer, I'm finding more and more that they simply put their anxieties and insecurities onto me. It's possible that you subconsciously accepted something or other. I dunno. Then again, I've always been introverted. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar... I can also see that you'd not want to be attached to someone in a place you never really liked in the first place. Maybe? I dunno.

LOL IKR. Like the Emacs vs vi. Seriously. I can see that! Especially with comics and the like. It's kinda pathetic the way those people gloat. Very juvenile. I like this stuff but you get some seriously emotionally retarded kind of people involved. And...getting rejected for not playing D&D. C_______C; Wow, what a backward world we live in. That's rough. You tend to hear these nerd folks going on about acceptance for who they are and what they like, yet...they can't really offer the same. It's not cool. I'd be happy with someone on either side, as long as they had relational intelligence and we could function in a loving relationship together of give and take. Relationships from what I've learned ARE about learning. About the person you're with, yourself, and other elements. Part of me wonders if I should not date nerdy guys again because of who I've encountered so far in that culture- seems mostly negative. You're certainly not bad, and seem relationally aware. I know it's not all guys in into nerdy stuff, but...I dunno. Wouldn't fit in with or like some alpha dude. That's for sure! Ugh, I don't know...

Y'know you're right. I read a book on philosophy about how each time seems so dark. A fictionalized "how it used to be better". I think it's rather silly, but then again... I know there's some issues and circumstances I will not tolerate. So, I guess I won't throw stones. Yeah, rebellious thinkers we! XD It gets kinda rough because not fitting into either camp, you get in sticky places. I was part of a Pagan community that also had some stuff on witchcraft and the like. It got SOOO politically vicious and immature that I had to leave. They were conducting witch hunts on themselves! It was sad because I met some cool people on there, but there were a LOT of people who tell you how it is on such subjective and personal things. Really annoying. Not to mention the prevalence of using spirituality as a crutch to further some addiction. It was very negative. Every other post turned into hexing political people they didn't agree with. Just freakin' immature. And I absolutely agree with you, there's so much more going on than a lot of people think. I certainly don't think I could deal with the policy of so many people and all the intricacies. X_X; Honestly, the way things are IRL I don't even feel safe going into the fruity "magickal" kind of shops anymore.

Speaking of intolerable hexing and miasmic atmosphere, trying to be reasonable with anyone like that. From what you've said it sounds like we've both kind of experienced something similar though our situations are quite different. You exert so much damn energy on trying to negotiate and be reasonable while maintaining calm, the other person wanting to dismantle everything and spill your blood over wanting something fair. That must be nerve-wracking. Because it's completely within their bag of tricks to start this kind of thing. Have you talked to your lawyer about the fact she's not exactly a safe person? A lot of people bring up narcissism to their lawyers from what I've seen online, but I dunno. Might need to see a psych or someone to get a pulse on what they would advise. They could also help you with tactics and coping with such things. I keep logs of puers abuse and BS accumulation. If you have any of those it might be in your favor. But I really think a psych would be helpful at this time even if just for the divorce stuff and handling her. That's really rough, man. I'm sorry you have to go through this. *hugs* Sorry for your little ones, too. Will be sending some positivity for you guys.

Sounds like a helluva of a week.

Hope things with the children are at least positive. Sounds like they love you. At least you have that and people on here, there'll be more people in your life that aren't rabid pit bulls. <3 Oh! And wishing your daughter good luck on her soccer and schooling. I don't think your son is in school yet, is he? I don't remember the proper ages for grades and the like. XD

NYC! That sounds busy! Hope you like it if you decide to go.

My week...mn. Ear infection trying to come back. Might have to schedule an appointment for a follow-up...don't want to. Gonna follow the rest of the course of my antibiotics for another week and if it's still acting up I go back in. Really don't wanna prolong this. I also went out for the first time in awhile- I got to spend some money on clothes at my favorite place. All boho-ed out now. Going out with Puer is pretty stressful, even when it's not. I just see all the limitations that are put upon me. I already have my own to deal with, but it's scary as hell to know that he wants me to stay emotionally crippled and stuck- yet wants me to somehow succeed in a weird way and be profitable. I did okay while I was out, but when I came back my body didn't recover for a few days. So, that's not good. I gotta build up my resilience again.

Physics, at least I thought it was. It is in part, but it's an overview of physics with some other sciences. It's fairly simple. I can breeze through the course pretty well when I'm not completely out of it. Probably will do that in a bit here. As long as I don't think of deadlines and other stuff I do pretty well- I'll be getting through it quickly. I did a big no-no and read the Reddit for my school. There's this thing called acceleration- basically what my advisor is using to get past those silly classes that my previous one left. But it's mainly used to add extra classes to your term or whatever and get your money's worth. ...there are people on there that completed like 10+ classes in a term....I barely can do all my classes right now due to my circumstances. I know I'll get better and be able to accelerate...but there's so much weight put on doing all the things and doing them all quickly. I feel lesser, disappointed in myself, flat out wanting to cry, it's frustrating. Especially when the school praises these people who are acting like yipping dogs and bragging about it. Doing things at your own pace doesn't mean the same thing to them. I make myself sick looking at it....

I dunno...maybe I'll do some yoga again tonight. Gotta get back on my exercise and simply enjoying simple things and meals routine. OH! YOU! Cast-iron skillets, good. BTW, Kitchen-Aide mixer. It can do so many things well and you won't regret it. If you plan on cooking quite a bit and baking, it's terribly useful. And looking at my French cookbook and doing a recipe, I advise you to get another one over it. Taste of Home, Better Homes and Gardens, Alton Brown(make sure it's one with a lot of different or intro recipes), and America's Test Kitchen based ones. Kinda shaking my head at the top-rated one that has poor grammar and a stupid premise. I was all happy it was the mafioso cook book with a history of recipes and their stories from a mob chef. Pft. Fads. Feel free to copy pasta a book and I can give it a looksee if you can't decide or want some info. I'm getting back into baking again since the season is changing. Might buy a new book as well.

*sends some hugs back* Perhaps we'll see each other on here sooner than we think! Both being bored and free on Labor Day. XD

@CaloenasNicobarica Ooh, I hope your ears are OK. And, please don't fall into that trap of comparing yourself and your progress to others'. It's not a competition, and I'll bet you that the yipping dogs who are making a race out of it are not taking the time to truly learn the concepts thoroughly. They're going to be exposed when they start trying to do this professionally. I can tell you right now that if I saw the resume of some 'hotshot' who had taken 10 classes in a term, I would tell you there's no way that person truly imbibed the material. I don't care how good the school thinks they look.

You are NOT lesser. Not in any way. You refer offhand to 'circumstances', but anxiety, depression, toxic relationships, lack of a true support system - Nic, these are obstacles that stop 'lesser' people from even contemplating a major course of study in one of the most difficult majors in school. But you - you brilliant, determined combustion engine - you didn't let them stop you. You aren't letting them stop you. Don't be disappointed, be very, very proud of yourself. You are 'greater'. I am proud of you and trust me when I say, you are doing this right.

Thanks for the cooking tips! I feel like I'm falling into a bit of a rut, making the same 6-8 things, mostly. I have to step it up, or my constituents (kids) will revolt (start demanding packaged meals). Speaking of whom, thanks so much for the kind wishes. School is off to a really good start for both of them. My son is in school, too - he's 7, so second grade. She's in fifth, so this is the last year for quite a while where they'll be at the same school. Middle school is sixth through eighth grade here, so they won't overlap. That will make the mornings a bit less convenient!

I actually do keep a log of certain behavior on my ex's part, but it's less abuse of me (which no court is going to care about) and more about my involvement with the kids, and any interference in same by her. The idea is that if it ever becomes necessary I'll have documentation to rebut any change that I'm not a very involved dad and so on.

She interrupted Legends of Tomorrow last night by calling me to talk about our son - on the surface it was a fairly reasonable conversation, but I just never know with her. There's no trust there, so we can't really discuss things deeply, because I'm not going to say anything she could turn against me in the future.

Then today she invited me to dinner - with the kids and her boyfriend. Originally I was going to decline just because I haven't been in a social mood. Then I went for a run and stopped for iced coffee and a chat with my favorite barista, who usually cheers me up, and my son came by to ride his bike and watch Sponge Bob. So I was in a better mood and thinking maybe - but when I sounded out my son, I got the feeling he'd have found it awkward.

I just can't help but suspect she's trying to soften me up to the idea of her moving up there (where he lives) with the kids. She's even hinted that I should move there. (Coincidentally, actually, her boyfriend's development is back-to-back with the house of one of my childhood friends.) It's going to be a wild ride, and I honestly don't know where it ends.

How did you find a therapist you could trust? I think that's where I keep stalling out when I start to consider it. Would it really do much good before I was able to open up and be vulnerable? But how long would that take? How would I know early on whether this was someone I could trust? It's a financial commitment too, because my copays are not small. I mean, where would I start? I have a lot of years of baggage to cover!

I don't even know if it starts with my ex, but you're right - it definitely hasn't done me much good to be run down for 10+ years. Some of it has definitely internalized - how could it not? All that time being told I'm ugly and useless and socially messed up - when I believed those things already, since childhood. I would have seen through her long before we got married if I'd had any experience with close personal interactions.

Randomly, I found my senior year (high school) picture in some stuff downstairs yesterday. Burke at 16 - and I can't get over what a normal kid I looked like. From the picture, through the lens of all these years, you'd imagine that kid having circles of friends, dating girls, enjoying a normal college experience - things I would have looked into the mirror at the time and thought unfathomable for such a monstrous head case.

I don't know, my friend. Perhaps I'm a lost cause in the world of mankind. It's been a mostly solitary weekend since I dropped off the kids around lunchtime yesterday, and I'm not feeling particularly lonely or miserable. It's actually been really nice to hunker down and catch my breath. Maybe that cabin in the woods of Maine is calling my name sooner than I think.

Thanks for listening! Talk to you later.