BPD, Feelings, and Age Regression

Hello, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, so here I go

Everything feels so complicated. My emotions feeling nonexistent and numb, this pain of nothingness, and the desire of her attention. I feel like I’m walking down a hallway with two doors, one opens up to an oblivion of nothing, it’s numbing and nothing and I’m standing there surrounded by it, just floating. As the other door opens the wall continues, there’s no room, there’s nothing, and I’m standing there feeling trapped. In a consistent feeling of I’ll do or say whatever crazy thing comes to mind to maybe give me something to feel, but failing each time. Finding new things and interest and thinking oh maybe this is, when it’s not, because I lack in identity of who I could even ever so slightly be. The only time I feel something other than this pain is when I’m little or regressed. Going back to be happy, or forced into it by intense feelings. Nothing feels alright when I feel like I’m always such a burden by how others react and I respond because everything in my mind is so dramatic and played out. I hope one day when something serious or adult like is going on I don’t find myself growing small to avoid or find comfort. I hope I don’t feel like a switch of either nothing or everything all at once. One day, hopefully, everything will be okay. I hope anyone out there feeling like this, finds a voice and can finally be free. One day.