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StarrieSaturn
7 2,696 M Hopeful Heart 6
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts90 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupTeen Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceMay 4, 2023
Recent forum posts
How can things go from bad to really bad in not even 24 hours?
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more Things were really bad yesterday. I finally got out of the episode, that only lasted maybe 4 hours though. I called my mom out and now her boyfriend is acting like he’s my dad again, when he hasn’t even been in my life for a whole year. My mom is making herself the victim like always, as if there isn’t a reason why in court she lost 50/50 custody over me. I’m almost 18 and a lot has been changing. I thought back in freshman year I would go to college and master in psychology. I took AP Psychology last year and past the exam and everything as a college course. Now I’m not even sure if I’m going to do that. I really just don’t want to be here. My mom is yelling at my sister in the other room right now, and god, she will wake everyone up on days we can actually sleep in for once at the crack of dawn and make it everyone else’s problem. She refuses to take care of us kids and we go to my dad’s house and we’re sick, unfed, dehydrated and everything else. Not even wearing clothes that fit us. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of my unstable relationships I put myself into, I’m tired of the addictions I have, I’m tired how I jump from one thing to the next and that includes people. I’m tired of these episodes. Everyone hates me because they don’t even know me. And all the drama I’m dealing with at school, I don’t know which is worse/funnier, the fact that I’m a lesbian and these girls are calling me a ‘boyfriend stealer’ because I had a project with their partner and needed to know if they were done or not because it was costing me a bad grade, or the fact I set a close friend up and she proceeded to say I was trying to get with the guy??? Or the drama where this girl who I got replaced by from a toxic ex doesn’t believe me when I called out said ex for the SA she did to me and all the other crazy stuff. Can my life please calm down for one minute so I can breathe? I need it to be 8pm already so I can go to my dad’s house and worry about what to do once I’m actually home. Please someone, give me a break. 
Why these episodes? What’s it for?
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 3 days ago
...See more 09.21.2024 Hello, so I had a very bad episode again. And funny thing, the last time I had one this bad where I broke some of my favorite things, was screaming at everyone and completely had no self awareness and hurt my body was the last time I was single for over a month. I usually jump from person to person, always getting hurt but not really caring cause I feel the need to like latch onto someone, you know? With me having BPD I’m supposed to experience 80% less of my symptoms when single, yet seems like around a month and a week or two I break, full of anger, then I’m fine as if it never happened. But my family can’t make it seem as if it never happened, they have make sure I remember. But I’m a good person, I think at least, yeah I have my problems and I stay in my mind and can’t seem to understand sonder so well even though I’m 17 years old, turning 18 in about 6 months. It’s really depressing. I will do crazy things and freak out. And what’s worst, is that this freak out episode thing was all because I straightened my hair and I hated the feeling of it, though I literally want to grow my hair out long again, and I couldn’t find an eyeliner. I got so physically uncomfortable I broke. And trying to find shoes for homecoming too, I swear almost every heel isn’t made for a normal human foot, just models, which kills me because a lot of people tell me on a daily basis I should be a model. I really need to get over myself, but it’s so hard. I hate blaming everything on my bpd, but it is a personality disorder, it effects literally everything about me. I wish I can get over it, but it’s been here for so long now, I feel like I would lose the only thing I know if it leaves. 
Poetry
Personality Disorders Support / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 September 8th
...See more I’m tired of not having the words To go through 10 emotions in two minutes To feel the need to talk But not sure about what To always feeling left and alone Yet saying I want that? I’m single now, hasn’t been a month She wants me to stay put But I’m ready to jump again It can’t be that bad right? From person, to thing, to person, to thing? I’m trying to fill the void I’m ready in seconds I can go on I can go off Whatever you want I do Sometimes I wish I can be me, if there is a me Not a need of you and being what you chose for me to be Though I like that stability  Even if I think you’re gunna leave I hope one day I can have the right words to describe this
My Poetry : Bandage On A Broken Heart
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 August 25th
...See more I give my heart out Lots of people had touched and played with it I don’t think they’re careful or care about it They drop it My heart is in many pieces After each fall, I pick it up I’m piecing my heart back together I’m picking up the pieces  I’m sticking the bandaids on it But they take it and pass it around Throwing it without a care in the world It drops Another crack And I’m back to the start on the floor again I got it in my heads trying to fix it Sometimes they don’t even let me hold half before they drop it I’m screaming stop playing with me I’m done with it You don’t seem to hear I want love, I want loneliness  I want to be fixed The bandages are falling apart The glue doesn’t want to hold You take it and smash it You use it and abuse it You rip it and tear it to shreds  I’m begging  I’m pleading  I’m crying out loud Please give me a few months to myself
The BPD, Drugs and Love
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 May 21st
...See more So it’s been a while since I was on here and I think since I’ve been dating who I am some of my symptoms are getting worse. Along with who this mysterious person is, they treat me so nicely and I’m not used to this by any means. They also smoke weed on the occasion, well a lot, few times a week, and I’ve recently asked them if I can try it too, which I did and I hate to admit the years I talked trash about this stuff, because it feels amazing being in that high. I feel like I can live and breathe and the next few days after it I feel good too! Some of my friends don’t like them because of this and my friends all say that they’re making me worse, but I swear they’re helping! I don’t like most of my friends, they’re all snobby and rude, I just want my little group of four, my double dates (as I call two of them). They’re all so funny and cool and they actually care and they understand how I am and do their best to help out even when I feel that I can’t trust anyone. It sucks because my best friend hates my boyfriend and they hate her too. Recently their ex walked in the school bathroom right after I got high in there too and told the office they were smoking pot, which yes and no, but they also had a vape on themselves so they got suspended. I thought them just turning 18 will be a good thing but it’s been nothing but misery for them this whole week. They’re still being really sweet with me even though I keep messing up. But because of this, their father took their phone so we can’t talk or see each other for days and it’s really messing with me. I want to learn how to cope on my own without needing them here, but I can’t help but to mirror and feel the need of my FP and they feel like my one and only purpose in my life. It’s not healthy and I know, I want to get better, I really do but I’ve been like this for years upon years and I can’t see my life being different and the only time when I’m okay is when I’m high on their bedroom floor with them.
Lost and Tired
General Support / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 March 8th
...See more It’s all so complicated, I don’t think it’s ever going to last and the sleep is the only thing I find comfort in anymore besides her arms, I don’t wanna feel hurt and confused, but I know it’ll never be me in the long run that she would chose. 
BPD, Feelings, and Age Regression
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 March 10th
...See more Hello, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, so here I go Everything feels so complicated. My emotions feeling nonexistent and numb, this pain of nothingness, and the desire of her attention. I feel like I’m walking down a hallway with two doors, one opens up to an oblivion of nothing, it’s numbing and nothing and I’m standing there surrounded by it, just floating. As the other door opens the wall continues, there’s no room, there’s nothing, and I’m standing there feeling trapped. In a consistent feeling of I’ll do or say whatever crazy thing comes to mind to maybe give me something to feel, but failing each time. Finding new things and interest and thinking oh maybe this is, when it’s not, because I lack in identity of who I could even ever so slightly be. The only time I feel something other than this pain is when I’m little or regressed. Going back to be happy, or forced into it by intense feelings. Nothing feels alright when I feel like I’m always such a burden by how others react and I respond because everything in my mind is so dramatic and played out. I hope one day when something serious or adult like is going on I don’t find myself growing small to avoid or find comfort. I hope I don’t feel like a switch of either nothing or everything all at once. One day, hopefully, everything will be okay. I hope anyone out there feeling like this, finds a voice and can finally be free. One day. 
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