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StarrieSaturn
1 2,917 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts127 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes45 Current upvotes45 Age GroupTeen Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceMay 4, 2023
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I’m too obsessed
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 January 15th
...See more I got this obsession I cannot control it, nor who it is But I obsess I cling on, and others I let go They are my one, and it’s always my partner For once they’re glued instead of bored So I know it’s true love But then he drives And I get scared he may crash and burn Or then he drinks And I panic that he may be poisoned and choke on vomit  Or then he says call in a bit And I pace thinking he may be in trouble But once I’m by his side Or in his bed Or him inside of me I feel free, cause he’s by me and we’re safe I want to stare at his face and just smile And that’s super creepy, I know I know I’m fixated He is my only For him I will not speak to another soul For him I will change who I am for who he wants me to be For him I will do what he wishes of me to do Cause his company is the only thing I care for Cause his approval is all I pray for Cause his satisfaction is it what I feel to give But he’s not like anyone else He loves me when I speak, and concerned when I’m silent He doesn’t make me feel bad for what I love He finds me funny He actually loves me He is my fixation My heart sinks when he leaves And I cry when I can’t be next to him My mind stirs when he’s out To wish I can be shrunken and placed within his pocket I will never have to leave his side And I won’t have to worry if he may die He will be by me, and I’ll be by him I know I know It’s not healthy for him to be my Earth As I am the moon I will always be his one, and I know not to fear of another But the danger of the world taking him from me The selfishness to want him and only him To be greedy and want all of his attention And he is it what I want I am highly dependent on my one He says he likes it that I’m crazy and obsessed  But I don’t think he knows the full mess For it has been just a bit over a month And I know after he’s taken me at 17 He will forever be my one The one I marry The only I’ll give myself to The only I shall wake up beside The only I will care about The only I will obsess over The only I will ever need The only I will love with all my life As for him, I have regrets of everyone I said I love you before I’m too fixated, he said wait twenty minutes And I’m sitting here spilling my guts to the internet  All because I felt compelled to distract To distract myself for what to come If today will be our last, and his last breath
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The Two Guys
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 December 18th, 2024
...See more We had our problems We picked our poison From different wells But it’s our vices He may not be the best, But perhaps I may not either When the new shine comes in Makes the moon look smaller I’ll still need the moon I like the sun, but it’s not the sun who knows me It’s the moon The moon was there when I was low And when I was high The moon gets me and feels me, and he’s who I love The sun may be nice and warm But it’s the moon who’s there throughout the shine Even within the daylight
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I don’t know what to do, please help or something :(
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 October 7th, 2024
...See more I’m stuck. I dated a guy over the summer that I knew for years. He ended up cheating on me, he said he was broken up with the girl in hindsight I set him up with, but that was true for two days even though it was weeks after that when we got together, he never told me that. Anyways, she found out, messaged me, he did too all freak out, my ex who’s friends with my now ex-boyfriend’s now ex-girlfriend, accused me of knowing that he was cheating, when me and that ex were finally on good terms again. Anyways, over that, and now me and the ex-boyfriend have been talking, as friends ofc, cause I have problems of letting go, but I’m talking to this girl now, she’s a grade below me but was held back a year or something, idk, so she’s my age, well actually older by like 3 months or so, but she’s asexual and I’m hyper sexual, which like I’m fine with, but it sucks, but I really do like her, I wanna hold her hand and take her out and stuff, but kissing and everything else is a no. But me and the ex boyfriend were talking for hours yesterday, usually I sit and watch reels on *** but I was stuck talking to him, apparently it was all lies, that he did love me and not him just trying to please me, he was trying to cover himself with being caught cheating. But I still love him, a lot, but I also really like this girl too. I don’t want to hurt her, but my best friend hates this ex boyfriend as well, and said she’ll leave if I get back with him, and I don’t want nor need that. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. If I’m with him, my needs will be met, but also it doesn’t help that I’m more into girls, but I don’t know, I really don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice, or can relate or something?
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Who else listens to Rare Americans or have anything good to share?
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 October 18th, 2024
...See more I’m typically in and out of episodes and stressed between divorced parents houses, school, and dealing with BPD. But I got something good I’ll like to share even if no one sees or responds to this, I got a new burner phone and added back my socials and I was watching reels like I do, cause I have a slight problem with that, and a band popped up that I originally swiped on and then realized for the split second I saw they seemed familiar, so I went back up, and I saw it was the band Rare Americans, which I’ve been listening to them for years and it about them making a third Brittle Bones Nicky, and I squealed, I was so happy and ofc instantly followed them cause apparently I wasn’t already and they’re on tour rn! Currently in Europe but will be in the states soon, it’s 5 months until they’ll just be 55 minutes from me. And, it’s 6 days after my 18th birthday, and the final day of spring for the full bang. I’m so excited, and hopefully going to get their Rhythm Kitchen hoodie, along with ofc buying a tour t shirt there. I really hope I can get good seats and go with I love, I would do my best friend but she said the band seems as if they don’t know what type of music they’re making, anyways, I’m so happy. Things seem to be falling in line and I’m obsessing, literally haven’t listened to any other bands other than Rare Americans recently. And! To make things better, on top of me being actual close friends with a rock star (Venus Blake, she’s so good please check her out if you don’t already listen) but I messaged the band, Rare Americans, and they actually responded!!! Which like made my day. I’m so happy, everything for the most part is prefect rn. 
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How can things go from bad to really bad in not even 24 hours?
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 October 9th, 2024
...See more Things were really bad yesterday. I finally got out of the episode, that only lasted maybe 4 hours though. I called my mom out and now her boyfriend is acting like he’s my dad again, when he hasn’t even been in my life for a whole year. My mom is making herself the victim like always, as if there isn’t a reason why in court she lost 50/50 custody over me. I’m almost 18 and a lot has been changing. I thought back in freshman year I would go to college and master in psychology. I took AP Psychology last year and past the exam and everything as a college course. Now I’m not even sure if I’m going to do that. I really just don’t want to be here. My mom is yelling at my sister in the other room right now, and god, she will wake everyone up on days we can actually sleep in for once at the crack of dawn and make it everyone else’s problem. She refuses to take care of us kids and we go to my dad’s house and we’re sick, unfed, dehydrated and everything else. Not even wearing clothes that fit us. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of my unstable relationships I put myself into, I’m tired of the addictions I have, I’m tired how I jump from one thing to the next and that includes people. I’m tired of these episodes. Everyone hates me because they don’t even know me. And all the drama I’m dealing with at school, I don’t know which is worse/funnier, the fact that I’m a lesbian and these girls are calling me a ‘boyfriend stealer’ because I had a project with their partner and needed to know if they were done or not because it was costing me a bad grade, or the fact I set a close friend up and she proceeded to say I was trying to get with the guy??? Or the drama where this girl who I got replaced by from a toxic ex doesn’t believe me when I called out said ex for the SA she did to me and all the other crazy stuff. Can my life please calm down for one minute so I can breathe? I need it to be 8pm already so I can go to my dad’s house and worry about what to do once I’m actually home. Please someone, give me a break. 
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Why these episodes? What’s it for?
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 October 3rd, 2024
...See more 09.21.2024 Hello, so I had a very bad episode again. And funny thing, the last time I had one this bad where I broke some of my favorite things, was screaming at everyone and completely had no self awareness and hurt my body was the last time I was single for over a month. I usually jump from person to person, always getting hurt but not really caring cause I feel the need to like latch onto someone, you know? With me having BPD I’m supposed to experience 80% less of my symptoms when single, yet seems like around a month and a week or two I break, full of anger, then I’m fine as if it never happened. But my family can’t make it seem as if it never happened, they have make sure I remember. But I’m a good person, I think at least, yeah I have my problems and I stay in my mind and can’t seem to understand sonder so well even though I’m 17 years old, turning 18 in about 6 months. It’s really depressing. I will do crazy things and freak out. And what’s worst, is that this freak out episode thing was all because I straightened my hair and I hated the feeling of it, though I literally want to grow my hair out long again, and I couldn’t find an eyeliner. I got so physically uncomfortable I broke. And trying to find shoes for homecoming too, I swear almost every heel isn’t made for a normal human foot, just models, which kills me because a lot of people tell me on a daily basis I should be a model. I really need to get over myself, but it’s so hard. I hate blaming everything on my bpd, but it is a personality disorder, it effects literally everything about me. I wish I can get over it, but it’s been here for so long now, I feel like I would lose the only thing I know if it leaves. 
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Poetry
Personality Disorders Support / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 December 30th, 2024
...See more I’m tired of not having the words To go through 10 emotions in two minutes To feel the need to talk But not sure about what To always feeling left and alone Yet saying I want that? I’m single now, hasn’t been a month She wants me to stay put But I’m ready to jump again It can’t be that bad right? From person, to thing, to person, to thing? I’m trying to fill the void I’m ready in seconds I can go on I can go off Whatever you want I do Sometimes I wish I can be me, if there is a me Not a need of you and being what you chose for me to be Though I like that stability  Even if I think you’re gunna leave I hope one day I can have the right words to describe this
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My Poetry : Bandage On A Broken Heart
Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn
Last post
 August 25th, 2024
...See more I give my heart out Lots of people had touched and played with it I don’t think they’re careful or care about it They drop it My heart is in many pieces After each fall, I pick it up I’m piecing my heart back together I’m picking up the pieces  I’m sticking the bandaids on it But they take it and pass it around Throwing it without a care in the world It drops Another crack And I’m back to the start on the floor again I got it in my heads trying to fix it Sometimes they don’t even let me hold half before they drop it I’m screaming stop playing with me I’m done with it You don’t seem to hear I want love, I want loneliness  I want to be fixed The bandages are falling apart The glue doesn’t want to hold You take it and smash it You use it and abuse it You rip it and tear it to shreds  I’m begging  I’m pleading  I’m crying out loud Please give me a few months to myself
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