Astra’s Little Universe
So hi.. my last forum got a little bit much and I didn’t feel general little support or vents should be in there, and I’d rather just focus on you all there. So instead I made this little space💜 you all are free to vent here as well, just a little bit more idk.. you all will get it haha
@Mack @FinleyTews @AmyMir6 @ALeXaNdEr0712 @Axtyn
A world engulfed in silence
No one way to hear your shrieks
No sound no wind no pitter patter
Oh what a wonderful thing
The quiet seeping into your lungs
Your voice no longer used by your tongue
The blankness of the universe
Overwhelmed in the feeling of nothingness
The stillness of the air
Taking your last breaths of care
NO IM NOT *** OKAY! Stop asking me! You did this to me you’re the one who’s put me through so much pain so why now are you “worried about” me why not am I “not acting normal”. You don’t know how I act! You know nothing about me! I’m tried sure but I’m just acting like me. And me telling you to stop asking because I’m fine and you’ve asked 12 *** times today which news flash you’ve never cared in the past is attitude. How am I being rude to you by saying I’m okay so please stop asking? Why do you suddenly care about me again!
is it because your life is going well? Your life is going so great you feel the need to act like you’re a great mom. Well I’m so so happy that you have your perfect boyfriend who you’re making me out to be a villain too. I’m so so happy you want 4 *** step kids and we’ll hopefully be a family some day. Like no. They aren’t my family. They never will be my family. No one you bring into my life will be my family because I’m not talking to you in 3 years. I’m getting as far away from you as possible.
no, you do not need to be able to talk to my therapist. No it’s not the same as your *** boyfriends sons therapy. He’s autistic, he’s going for his autism and how to cope, that’s involves the parents. I am not *** going to help me cope with some disability I am going because I can’t stand being in my *** mind or body. I am going because you *** me up! You do not have the right to be part of my therapy in anyway! You do not deserve updates on me! Because every single person can see your the issue with me. Oh I’m sorry let me exclude any adult who has any power to take me away from you. I forgot that I’m the issue in all their eyes. “You can’t ignore you are part of the problem too, you both need to work to have a better relationship” im sorry?!? What relationship?!? I have nothing with her.
you have had every chance to help me. Why do you only care when I’m screaming and crying that I’m hurting or starving myself. Why do you only care when I told you I would go days without eating anything! That I would throw up any food I ate. And mom never gave enough of a crap to notice. Why do you only care then? And how am I still part of the issue when that’s how she treats me?
im sorry your trying to make everything work now because your life is becoming so much better mom. I’m sorry that how you treat me depends on your happiness. I’m sorry that I’m such a *** up. I’m sorry im a *** trans freak. I’m sorry I like to kiss girls. I’m sorry I’m mentally ill. I’m sorry I will never be anything you want me to be. I’m sorry I’ll never be the pretty girl who likes to go shopping with you. I’m sorry I had speech issues, I’m sorry I could never learn how to write properly as a kid. I’m sorry that you’ll never be satisfied with anything I do.
so am I okay? No. I am in pain. I am hurting. I am loosing my crap each and every day more and more and it’s all your fault. If you jsut died today I would cheer in joy. Maybe I’m a cruel awful person. Maybe I’m insensitive. Maybe I’m the one in the wrong here but I can’t deal with you anymore. I can’t do this ***. I am breaking.
I am so tired of crying every night to scared to talk to anyone. I am so sorry I can’t go one *** day without hurting myself. I can’t do anything. I am having panic attacks again. Anything is triggering thoughts of him. Everything is so overwhelming. Everything is too much. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this.
Jsut stop caring for me, stop acting like you care for me. Stop putting on this act! I know you don’t care past yourself. Jsut be consistent! If you want to *** hurt me hurt me. Tell me how I should be happy you hit my ear instead of my mouth because now my braces wouldn’t make me bleed. Tell me how the bruises in the shape of your fingers that laced my body never happened. Tell me how my pictures were photo shopped. Tell me how I’m fat and ugly so I can’t have an eating disorder. Tell me how I’ll always be a girl. Tell me how I’m a lair. Tell me how everything I do in life is wrong. Tell me again how I’m a failure.
some days I resent you, some days I cry. And some times I believe you. I believe the words you say, I believe how your words seep into my mind, I believe the words you speak. I am so so broken, and no one can save me. No matter how much you try, even if you reply to this, if you read this, if you’re here for me, we all know I’ll never be fixed. We all know I’m a broken mess. And we all know I’ll never be normal. Jsut admit I’m broken, admit you know I’ll never be truly okay.
This house isn’t mine. This room isn’t mine. This life isn’t mine. Nothing here feels like me. Everything gathered this house is so so fake. It doesn’t feel like I exist here. At my dads I feel like me I feel like it’s my room and my life and that everything is good and as soon as I come here nothings right. It feels like I’m living another persons life. My mom knows nothing about me. God man she knows nothing about me then tries to make me feel bad that she doesn’t?!? That’s your fault you know nothing about me
sorry I don’t like *** English muffins. Don’t ask me “since when” I haven’t liked them much since I was 8. You shut never ducking acred enough to know. And you never liked me eating *** breakfast for years so hey who knows.
You *** me off so much. Don’t make me feel bad for not saying I love you. Don’t make me feel bad for not giving you a hug. I used to love you. I used to wish for hugs. I would hug you and try to get as much attention as I could from you but no. All I ever got was a *** slap to the face and told I should be grateful it wasn’t to my mouth because of my braces. I’m sorry after years of never getting a I love you back I stopped saying it. And now you decide you love me again and I’m just mean to be okay with that and love you like I did?
You’ve crushed me. You’ve crushed everything I like about myself. You don’t know crap about me. Why am I here. Why does dad let me hear. This home isn’t mine. I am not living my life here. It feels like my lungs no longer breath. My body no longer feels. I no longer am me. And you don’t give a ***.
I’m so done. I am doing art in my man floor no the dig can nit come in because he could eat something in the ground that’s expensive and hurt himself. Stop saying I don’t love him. Stop yelled in at me for making a mess when there is no *** mess. I’m sorry I want to keep him safe?!? Don’t say I don’t love him I love my dog. Don’t guilt me into taking him into my room. And when I get islet at you don’t act like I’m the issue in all of this? Don’t act like all you did was ask Nicely if he could come in then I said no and you walked away. For gods sake I’m so done with her gaslighting and manipulation.
Like do you think I’m that *** dumb? Just *** off!
Sometimes my tears feel unless, and I tend to think they are
the salted water that drips down my face, not seeming to reach a single soul beyond.
Sometimes my minds too loud, blocking out every other sound
the late nights spent talking, somehow not changing my mind at all
Sometimes it’s hard to see, to know there’s more beyond what’s been seen
the flashes of the past blurring my vision, wondering if they’ll ever pass
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe, to take in the oxygen my lungs need
the air slips last my throat, somehow escaping the desperate grasps of a choke.
So please I beg and ask, are the drips of salted water worth a chance?
or rather should I sit here in silence, because it’s not worth the task.
I promise you a day, may it be far away
A place to rest your head, no reason to be led
A moment all alone, to watch the world spin
I promise you comfort, the peace of silence
A place to hide, from the never ending violence
A moment without thought, simply just to be
I promise you sanctuary, forever more
A place to be, within my open arms
A moment everlasting, the relaxation of a breath
I promise you a person, one who recites these lines
A place to stay, then forever by your side
A moment of realization, finally relinquishing your sword
Breathe in and out
Take a moment now
And breathe
No don’t look away
See my eyes
They hold what you fear yet desire most nights
Don’t pull away
Stay here in my arms
As your breaths rhythm beats inside your skull
I love you, you know
No really I do
I love the control that I have over you
Don’t disappoint me now
You messy ugly thing
Just suck it in and bite your younger don’t you dare say a thing
I accept you, no matter what
As long as you confine to my beliefs and standards
How dare you be different, that’s not how you were raised, stop being such a disgrace
Stop crying now
Your tears mean nothing
Your cries and screams have all been wasted on a never loving creator
Don’t act like this
You’ve known all along
I’ll never love you outside of my lying songs
Stop being so childish
Suck it up and deal
If you want something to happen then make it real
Don’t you dare speak
Keep your mouth shut
Your nonsense never reached me, your nothing more then mud
Everyone needs to shut up about my teeth. God damn it please please shut up. I know my teeth are yellow and nasty. I know they look dirty and awful. I know that my gums aren’t even god damn it I know. I can’t fix that now! I can’t fix it. Nothing I do will make my teeth better again. I’m so god damn sorry I had depression and could barely shower for like a year let alone brush my teeth. I couldn’t get out of damn bed. You think I like them? You think I’m proud of my disgusting yellow teeth? I’m not. But there’s no need for you to mention that like a jerk when I smile, just shut up. You don’t know what I’ve been through how can you comment on that.
Don’t tell me “Can you take anything seriously?” Like yes I can, I take everything so damn seriously but I try to joke because it’s the only way I can seem happy and other people around me are happy. Just shut up! Omg (Name) jsut please shut up. If you hate me jsut tell me and if your trying to be my friend then your doing a pretty bad job. Just *** off! Your words mean more than you (Name) they mean more than you and you know nothing about me. When I try to explain to you I’m not “trauma dumping” I’m legit just trying to explain. When my voice gets wobbly when I’m upset and trying to defend myself I’m not being manipulative or acting like a baby. I’m jsut trying to *** keep myself together because I can not do anything right now and the last thing I need is for you to act like I’m useless!
my body twists and turns
my bones snap with satisfying cracks
my lungs burn and wither
each breath a never ending terror
my eyes dry as they blink
searching for something to link
my body is not my own
it belongs to the urges that ever grow
my lungs no longer breath air
desperate in the everlasting sea I seem to bear
my eyes are no longer mine
consumed by the thoughts that scatter my mind
I wish I could say I have control
that my finger tips and soul still feel my own
I wish I could swallow this ever burning rage
to burry it in the sarrows from which it came
I wish they could see how much they’ve ruined me
look into my mind and dissect my dignity
would they look at me the same to know to see?
would they still think of me as someone of sweetness or love?
or rather one of rage blackened by the never ending ache?
what do you think of me?
what do you see?
because even I don’t think I know me.
