Astra’s Little Universe
So hi.. my last forum got a little bit much and I didn’t feel general little support or vents should be in there, and I’d rather just focus on you all there. So instead I made this little space💜 you all are free to vent here as well, just a little bit more idk.. you all will get it haha
@Mack @FinleyTews @AmyMir6 @ALeXaNdEr0712 @Axtyn
When the *** did I get so fat? Like god Damn. I know how for gods sake I know. I know I screw myself over. I get so healthy, I’m able to lift so much weight, I feel so good then I get so obsessed it’s not better then fall hard back into my eating disorder, then I start eating again and gain all this god damn weight. I don’t want it. *** I don’t want it. And I get so in my head about it that ic not but not *** eat, then I loose so much weight again and bank I eat again and all the weight jsut comes back because science✨ and it wanted to store fat on you for the next starve. Why couldn’t I just not mess it up? Why couldn’t I just not go back into my ways in the beginning of the year. Things were becoming so so good.
pit sounds awful but I like when my pants don’t fit. I like when I need to out my best so tight, because I know I’m not under weight, I know that I’m not. Even if I feel like crap I look better, everything about me is better. But I know I can’t keep that crap up
i was passing out so much. I was so so dizzy constantly. But sometimes I don’t even care because I don’t hat to look this way, and I know it won’t work long term but sometimes I just think and think that maybe I can just go on not eating forever, that I can just keep going and going.
Food repulses me, all I want to do is eat nothing. The. Some days I eat and hate myself so much for it the next day I just can’t physically bring myself to eat.
Why do I crave the pain of not eating. Why do I carve to feel dizzy. Why do I want to fit in so bad that I’ve messed up my whole body. Why do I destroy my body at every turn with so and self destruction. Why do I *** hate myself so much!
@Astraeuss Astra 💜 clothes are supposed to fit you, not the other way around. Be strong little one and fight this
Do you ever simply think
To contemplate the thoughts that never sink
Do you ever simply fail
To feel like anything you do will never sail
Do you ever simply stop
To take a moment and wonder when you’ll drop
Do you ever simply feel
To know that you’ll never truly heal
Do you ever simply cry
To let out the moments that always pry
Losing yourself too scared to make a sound
Is like feeling yourself slowly drown
The water filling your lungs
Never knowing when it’s truly done
Hopeful last gasps of air
That were never really there
The light in your eyes dim
The lose leaving a every lasting ting
The mouth that no longer opens
The words falling into the pit of ruins
The skin covered in marks
The hate fulfilling its arts
The ears that ever ring
The bash and clash bringing them to the brim
The body that stings
The abuse that always clings
@Astraeuss
(edit cause the first line is gross)
The eyes where the light dim
The lose leaving a every lasting ting
The mouth that no longer opens
The words falling into the pit of ruins
The skin covered in marks
The hate fulfilling its arts
The ears that ever ring
The bash and clash bringing them to the brim
The body that stings
The abuse that always clings
The grasps of sorrows
They leave me hollow
The delusions of your voice
They strike without choice
The memories of your face
They engrave within pain
The feeling of your lips
They stick without slip
The motions lacking of control
They seep within leaving a mark on my soul
The things he has done
They were never of love
The things I feel
Were they ever even real?
you tell me he treated me well. You say he was a good but troubled man. You say he was soft but violent. You say he was gentle but too much. You say he was a good father figure while it lasted. You say he loved while he couldn’t show it in the end. You say he wanted to stay in touch yet never did. You say he cared so much but not when i was no longer his. The moment he coukd no longer hurt me i no longer mattered. The moment they were breaking up i was no longer a daughter yet nothing but a child. The moment you were no longer together i was nothing more than another face. The way he touched ne, the pain i endured, all i did for just one person to love me that much was all fake. That wasnt love. Everthing he did to me wasn’t for my benefit. He hurt me abd got pleasure in doing so. But god is it even real? Am i justa lair. Eveyone says hes a good man, a soft man, a gentle man, a man of dignity and honnor. But a man does not touch a child, a man does not gain a kids trust to abuse and use. He is no man, or Maybe im no child. Maybe im a child that blames, that fakes and stages. Maybe in a child that nuisances and provokes. Maybe im a child who hurt that good nurturing man. Maybe im a child that deserves the hurt and pain. Maybe im the issue that ruined this man
I’m not planning death but if it were to come I can’t say I would be upset. Things get better, or so everyone says, even I am guilty of this phrase, but I’ve seen my better. The happiest I’ve been in years still causes me to crumble under the burdens my mind carries. While I dont plan my death I cant help but wish the world would go silent as my vision drifts into the dark
I’m bad I’m so bad. I’m such a bad person. Marc was mentally ill I’ve know that *** I’ve known that. Moms aid he was diagnosed with OCD and depression and other crap. He was mentally ill and I’ve always know that. I just made everything worse for everyone. I made everything bad. I made him worse of a person, if I what’s there everything would be fine. I’m such an awful person. I’m so bad. If I wast there he would have got better. He would have been happier. I’m the issue. I’ve always been the issue. Maybe he was just so *** he didn’t even realize how bad he was and I’m just selfish for being so hurt. It’s all my fault, im the issue, I’ve always been the issue.
mom would never believe me? No one would ever ***. Elise he hurt me. Because apparently im the one person he was good with, that he never kept me see anything bad about him. That he loved me more than anything. But if he loved me so much why did he hurt me! How is what he did loving me! Why did they let me around him when they knew how mentally ill he was! He’s been diagnosed with Carl since he was 20 he’s been on meds and had to go off because he got to *** in the head from them. They knew this and they just *** kept me alone with him? Yet I’m the one who he was great around
im so ***, this is all so ***. And no matter what I’ve been through he’s never actually hurt me. Not to them. It won’t ever be like that to them. If I was never there everyone would be better. Maybe I’m just paranoid from other things he did and he never actually meant to hurt me. Maybe I’m just a lair. Maybe I’m just the little *** in all of this. Maybe I’m just the issue in everything around me. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, I don’t know what I’m thinking, I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is I’m not right in the head and I don’t know what to do.
You were so young, you just wanted to be happy and safe. He failed to love you and the others failed to protect a little child. It's not your fault if he had become more hurt or sick. He's still responsible for all he has done, for not doing the basic things to leave you alone. And even though they don't believe you, your pain is real, and you deserve support.
