Astra’s Little Universe
So hi.. my last forum got a little bit much and I didn’t feel general little support or vents should be in there, and I’d rather just focus on you all there. So instead I made this little space💜 you all are free to vent here as well, just a little bit more idk.. you all will get it haha
@Mack @FinleyTews @AmyMir6 @ALeXaNdEr0712 @Axtyn
So, Ive been reading a whole ton of stories lately. I fell out of reading a while back. I got through little phases of reading. But honestly to feels nice again. To be able to flip through pages or scroll. To escape into this little world of the story. Listen to music through headphones and act like non of the world is around. It reminds me of when I was little. I would throw myself into books. Read any book I could get my hands on, even if that book would take me months to read since it was so big. I remember reading divergent series back in 5th grade, it took my almost 3 months to read the whole book even though I read it all the time. I find comfort in reading again, to escape into my own little worlds. Make my own stories too. Honestly I like reading again. And I hope I’m able to stick to it a little. But anyway. That’s a little update💜
Life’s been a lot lately. Kicking my butt so to say. I guess it’s hard. Because while I find myself having comfort in darkness, I do not find comfort in the pitch black. Darkness is familiar, something I can say I can predict. I can know I will feel this way, my motivation will be here, and what I do during my darkness. But lately during my pitch black it’s hard. I have no clue how to navigate it and I feel lost. I try to keep going, staying up and doing crap, but god even sleeping is hard. To close my eyes, to stop my stimulation even for a minute gives my brain this entry of pain. My thoughts run faster then I can think. Saying things I know are so untrue yet I still can’t see them as such. Honestly I don’t know what the *** to do with where I am, to jsut keep going into a endless feild of recovery. To suffer for the 4 more years to come. If not more. I wish I could have a certainty that I will get out, or when I will. And god I wish more then anything that my father would open his eyes, yet this break down is starting to feel repetitive. The same old crap. The same old issue. The same old lines over and over. But the fact I know so much of this could change with the single choice of the man who is ment to love and protect me simply saying he will take me. It hurts. Idk.
@Astraeuss
Its good u reading I get how it's an escape and a good one sometimes life is a lot and a bunch of bad crap happens and stories can take u away from all that and it's good, sometimes is bad when starts getting harder to do stuff we enjoyed once and at times we gotta take a break try new stuff and strategies and then try old ones again too and remember why we likes them or why it worked and helped. I hope u keep reading and share what u reading and what u like I'd like to hear.
I know it's real hard when u stuck n a place that's bad and surviving everyday takes all energy and u don't even know if it's worth it and u need something to hold on to and hope and when u think 4 years is a lot and nothing gets better and u just feel stuck it's real discouraging and u can feel real defeated, it's ok u know to take it one day at a time, small steps just survive the day and for what it's worth I think u doing great, u still trying and it takes a lot to keep going everyday and even when u dont feel strong it takes a lot of strength, I'm proud of u. I am here and I know I ain't the best and I ain't always around or good to be around but I'm listening yea and hoping for the best.
Tw: It’s hard to explain why it feels so nice to not eat. Why even though I’m in constant pain and weak it feels good to not eat. No, it’s not about control. I just hate myself. From as long as I can remember I’ve hated myself. Its not big things, although it can be, it’s little things too. I hate the way my eyes look, the way my lips curl when I smile. How my eyebrows raise when I am confused. How I stick out my tongue when I focus. I hate the way my hair falls and curls. I hate my fingers, each and every crease and bend. I hate my stomach, my thighs, my hips my chest. I hate every stretch mark I have from growing. I hate the ways clothes lay on my body, how they try to make a ugly dirty things look okay. I don’t just hate myself, I hate what makes myself. I hate the way I’ve always been sad. How even as a kid I can’t say I was okay. I hate the way I speak. The langue I use. I hate that I can’t be normal. I hate that I needed to do speak. God if only I was normal. People will love to say there is no normal, that we are all different so there for there is no normal. But that’s plain bull. There is normal. Normal is not what I am, not what I’ve become, not what I’ve been. In a way, not eating is just another way of me hating myself. Another way for me to try to fix what is so wrong. It doesn’t matter my weight, if I’m so skinny I shake, or if was 600 pounds. I would always be overweight. I will always be bad and awful.
You guys say it’s because of my mom. Because of the adults around me. Constantly telling me these things. But I don’t think so. Sure they’ve caused it, they have done things sure, but I’m the one who chooses to continue. I am simply a abuser to myself. It’s funny how I can complain and cry and break down about how I hate the abuse i get. How I hate my mother. Yet here I am, abusing myself as well. It makes you really wonder what enemy there is. If my mother is truly the issue in itself or if I am really the one that makes myself so bad. If I am really the one who’s screwing up.
People say I’m good, that I help and care for others. People don’t see what I don’t tell. People don’t see how cruel and evil I can be. How when I get angry I lash out on anyone around me. How I’ve hit people or been close too. How I’ve told people awful things. People want to say I’m good, yet I’m not a wonderful thing. People say I’m sweet yet I can’t control crap. I’m jsut like those around me. So how can they be so wrong yet I’m not? How can I hate them so much yet not entitle that role to myself as well. How can all of you say she’s a awful begging and awful for the thingS she does yet allow me to do the same? How can you tell me I shouldn’t hate myself too.
@Astraeuss
I had to think a lot what to say, I understand how u feel and it's hard to find sense and reason to stuff that's just real difficult and complicated and mostly unfair. I know it's real hard to hate urself and real hard to carry that with u all the time, it's hard when u feel u have been ruined since the very beginning, how as u grow older and think of it and look at it u realize that's not the way life should be and that's not the way a child should feel, it can make u feel real wrong and it's hard not to think u deserve it but u don't.
Someone explained this to me and I hope it makes a bit of sense cause I've been trying to make sense of it too, a child has no power over their growth, they are just a little flower and if the adults n thir lives leave that child or expose them to an unhealthy environment that's the way it grows but it's not the child's fault, it's like they left u n the streets of a place u didn't know and it wasn't a good place, we learn from our parents and people around us and violence, hate and all that stuff can stay with u and get stuck n ur head, it changes u and it impact the way u think and see the world.
I know it's hard to be better than them and hard when u keep seeing things n u that are just same as theirs, it's hard but ain't ur fault cause u didn't have the tools to understand. Understanding is already what makes u different cause a lot of bad people like ur mom don't even understand that, they think starving a child is ok and everything else she does, did and allowed to be done.
It's hard to try break the cycle and unlearn all those things that we learned without realizing we did and I know is hard to live with shame and guilt and how it messes with ur head and makes u doubt urself and everything. We all capable of doing bad stuff and messing up cause that's what being a person is, but what matters is how u face that and how u try either fix it be better stop it understand it or just don't. U trying real hard and tho we can have all this bad parts u also have a lot of good and I see u trying and that part of u trying to survive more than the other, bad people don't have that. I wish I could say more but know I understand it's real freaking hard and u ain't alone, I'm here for u and ur feelings make sense but don't forget the good also counts, and I see a lot of good and that's what matter to me
It's good u sharing yk it's a step to making sense of it all too, I'm proud of u for that
ʕっ• ᴥ • ʔっ
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. Ever word every action ever second feels overwhelming. Ever word I say I think of for hours. What I should have said, what could change, how my words are so damn insignificant to others. The looks the glares. The thoughts I know people have. Idk. I’m dumb and stupid because that’s jsut life. But for some reason life is just bothersome. It feels like the world was never made for me.
It’s been a while :0
today my school went on a field trip to a art based thing, it was really fun! Which is coolll✨ we had this board where you could draw art or write a message and put it on the board, then later that day take someone else’s. So I took this, and it now lives in the back of my phone case from a random stranger and makes me happy (:
@Astraeuss that's adorable and I want it too
Okayyy next thing, my cousin is commissioning me to make profile pictures for her friends (well trying to I’m not letting her give me money 😭) anyway I now have lots and lots of dinos-
(Tell me if you can guess each fruit xD)
okay this is out to both of you ✨ @FinleyTews @AmyMir6
okay so we all know i’ve been really crap lately and i jsut what to thank you both for truly being there for me, you guys have been with me for year(s) and you seriously mena so much more then you can ever think you do to me. you always listen and don’t judge my crap. knowing that you care about me and genuinely want me to be happy with no conditions is all i could ever want. you both are amazing humans and i know life might not be the best but you both make it better. you will both have a amazing life and change so many others, i’m happy to be able to call you both my listeners and friends 💜
@Astraeuss Reading this makes me feel warm. I have been struggling with listening for quite some time so it really helps to know that my being here can still help a bit. You have always been caring and fun to be with, and you deserve so many good things in your future. 💜 hugs 💜
I don’t like myself much. I know I inconvenience others. I know I’m not as important as other people in my families lives. I’m an after thought and I know that. For gods sake I asked why I could stay at my dads Friday for because I wanted to do something and he said he’s going to have me too much this week and if I stay with him more “your mom is going to want to skirt responsibilities” she doesn’t god damn want me. My dad doesn’t want me full time cause we’ve brought it up. My cousins don’t render it’s my birthday at all. I actually thought hey maybe I’m close with this aunt and then she asked me to apologize to my mom when he freaked out on me and doesn’t even forget my birthday by a day but 2. And I know that sounds so stupid to be upset over but idk. No one ever forgets anyone’s birthday in my family it’s always a big deal and they just forget mine. No one on that side of the family even likes me. For gods sake no one in my life likes me. All I want to do is curl up all alone and suffer in silence.
And for god sakes I can’t even nit hurt myself on my birthday. I can’t do crap. And foods getting si damn hard again and it’s just meant to be okay. And god all I can think about is god damn Marc. I think of him then I get mad at myself for him grooming me. Like the ***. He’s the one that did wrong and I know that but good I can’t remember it because it all feels my fault. Someone who barley even knew me said it wasn’t my fault the other day when I was upset didn’t even say what happened just with someone and god mean I cried. I don’t know what to do anymore. My mind just hurts me.
I hate my boys, I hate my voice, I hate that I wasn’t born a guy, I hate the way I am. I hate my life. God idk. I know I have it so much better than others. I know it’s crap to complain. Because I know my own friends have it worse I have no god mean right to be upset yet I am. Why am I so messed up. I don’t get this crap.
Sometimes it feels like everything would be better if I disappeared
If you disappear, the only relief I would get is that you no longer feel pain. No inconvenience that you believe you cause would be greater to me and others who love you than us failing and losing you. I am not trying to guilt trip, I just wanna say you are not weak or bad for feeling this way.
