@MusicCandy @SadMe70 A place to communicate

I opened your note first thing when I turned on my PC too-- I really really would enjoy taking care of the animals. I spent most week-ends on my grandparent's farm in N>C> but the only animals were chickens, which was entertaining as a child. I know baby goats must be cute as pie. The details of your father's illness must be so hard to accept. My mom was 78 when she went into the Masonic home and that was just about the right time for her to give up driving and housekeeping. I hope your mom will get help- nurses to come to their home I would think.

It will be so good to spend time with your Dad when your son comes; it will be precious moments you will always treasure. The children at school must lift your spirits for a little while, or at least give you something else as a distraction from worry. I am a dedicated worry wart. If I didn't have something to worry about, i would worry about that! Me and my closest sister in age are alike in that way.

So try not to worry HA HA and put as much of all the problem that you can- in God's hands. I took my mom to Ash Wednesday service and lunch, and she didn't complain about very much of anything-- so it was a good day. I have you and your family on my prayer list for Lent devotions. Crying is highly encouraged whenever you feel overwhelmed, and just know I care so much about what you are going through.

I've been awake for half an hour and haven't cried yet :) Dad was transferred to the rehab facility. They've put him on morphine to help ease his breathing. I never even knew morphine could do that. The mesothelioma can make you short of breath even without the fluid buildup.

We actually had some well-timed news yesterday. Back in the fall Dad applied for a VA low-income wartime veteran's pension that we wanted to use for an aide to help Mom take care of him, and also allow her to start going back to her gym/pool. My sister got a call that he was approved and in the system (a total surprise to us since we had been told he would have to have an exam at a VA facility and we didn't know how we would get him there), and a deposit was actually made! The guy who did the paperwork for us will get half the first month's benefit, but after that, Dad will get $2000 a month to go towards an aide! We figure that might cover about 4 hours a day every day. What amazing timing! My husband has had so many many bad experiences with the VA I didn't think that would ever actually happen.

We have chickens also. We got them when our kids were little. For several years I sold eggs at our then-new farmers' market and had a ton of chickens. I stopped doing that about 4 years ago and have been downsizing our flock. I have 12 now but will get maybe 5 chicks this spring as some of mine are getting older. Baby goats are adorable and I love to watch them being born.

It is Dr. Seuss spirit week at school so that is even a little extra distraction. Tomorrow in our reading groups we have game and reading day. I have 2 kindergarten and 2 first grade groups and I plan to read all Dr. Seuss books. So for about 2 hours of my day I'll be playing games and reading fun books. I can use a day like that!

I am also a worrier! That is part of why I pick the skin on my fingers I think. It has gotten more awkward since I started working at school because while adults rarely say anything (and I do see them looking sometimes), kids often say something! "What happened to your fingers??" I say it's dry skin and they seem to accept it.

I have been planning to give up wine for Lent, something I've done twice before and I think is good for me. I couldn't quite face it yet but my plan is to begin Monday. That will still be most of Lent. I am not a churchgoer, and disagree with parts of most religions including the Catholic one in which I was raised, but I have Christian beliefs and just pray on my own. I did discover during one of my husband's surgeries in the past, that I felt very comfortable and at peace in the chapel at Mary Washington Hospital in Fredericksburg. The whole front wall is a pretty stained glass (actually plastic I think!) nature scene, and I think the fact that it is not affiliated with a specific religion made it more comfortable for me. If I can get myself into town sometime alone, I might just stop in there. They used to also have a book where you could write stuff down, though it was not there last time my husband had surgery there last year.

My diet has been pretty bad this week. My husband had bought three wedges of brie last weekend, and I ate an entire half each night for the last 3 nights. Plus lots of wine and chocolate. I can't let my dad's illness mess up my diet so I'm trying to get a grip on that. Exercise was not great but I did do some. Tonight is my monthly physical therapy appt, and she can work on my shoulder some. The pain from when I aggravated it 2 weeks ago is slowly fading and hopefully she can hurry that along!

Thank you for being here! I haven't told anyone at work about Dad because I am afraid I will cry, but I can tell you anything and sit here sobbing and it's ok! I need that!

What a wonderful thing to happen about the aide for your Dad! I am so happy that worked out-- he certainly deserves it. We have the big VA hospital here, not far from my neck of the woods. I have heard so many stories about Vets not getting the care they should get, it is a sad commentary. I guess you have experienced more than most as you described that your husband had trouble also.

It seems to me like your Dad should qualify for a home nurse anyway, I don't know what medicare covers for Hospice. It is always a lot of red tape no matter what. Rachael got the medicaid waiver and Thank God for that, so she gets all the services she needs and no copay.

Our school had the wacky week deal too and Dr. Seuss. The preschool Director didn't hassle me this week. I have told myself if she does it one more time, that's it. I'm already stressed about the scedule change on both the hospital and teaching days so don't move my cheese again!! Speaking of cheese, I indulged with the cheese too. I have not gotten back to my food plan goals with the new working/sleeping hours yet; but I know I need to. I will support you on giving up the wine, but I am just not up for a total ban this year. BUT, I do need to get back to my days off and days on with the wine which seemed to work well for me.

I know what you mean about church in general. I have always attended some church and a few years ago I joined the Episcopal church. I like it because there really aren't a lot of rules; and questions are encouraged. There are so many different types of people in my church, and I bet we all disagree on some doctrine or another- but that is OK. I go to an early "quiet" service, no music- mostly meditation ,prayers, a short pithy sermon ( I love Pastor Elizabeth's sermons- she adds something personal every week) and communion. We're done in 45 minutes. And since we are a small group, only 12-18 attend that one, we all know each other and what we are going through. It's nice and no one will tell you what to believe. The sun comes in through the rose window and it is beautiful and you just feel spiritual. I'm going to keep you in my prayers and your family.

I hope you get some rest this week-end and enjoy the animals. Spring is a hopeful season, even when you have sadness. My Dad had the stroke and died just before Easter. It did help some when things outside were blooming and warm weather. I know it will help you to see your father in person, and good to know that the morphine is helping him breathe. You should be able to have some close father-daughter time then. I understand the finger picking. Children notice everything of course. They noticed my short fingers today when we were playing the lap harp ( Did I tell you I have deformed fingers since birth?) - only 4 usable fingers on each hand) I just tell them that is how God made me. I think you are coping the best you can and you can definitely tell me anything and it will be just between us.

Hello, My husband is assigned to McGuire which I'm guessing is the hospital you mean. For the most part (though not always), his actual care has been pretty good. It's more of the administrative side, including actually getting appointments. Last year he ended up at Mary Wash hosp in Fredbg with a big fluid buildup mainly in his legs, that his primary care doc should have handled with meds but after making calls for 2 months he could not get them to set an appt. They just kept saying they would call us back.

Mediare was paying for palliative home nursing for dad. I think it covers a lot for home hospice too, which I believe is basically the same thing but an increased amount of care and probably meds like morphine as he needs more of that. I'm so glad you are able to get coverage for Rachael! I'm sure that is a huge relief.

Suess week was fun. I had a good time on Friday with 4 of my classes, reading Suess books to them. I'm glad the director left you alone this week! Crossing my fingers for you that she continues! I don't blame you for wanting to quit if she keeps hassling. You certainly don't need that. I hope she will see how valuable you are, and will back off.

My diet has not been much better and I have not exercised since Tuesday :( I drank lots of wine Fri and Sat night, and planned to drink more today as my last day, but I felt so crappy from it both mornings that I hope to not drink any today, or at least just half a glass. We will see.

Your church sounds nice. If I do go to mass (very rare), I go up to a church in MD so I don't run into anybody that I know. I did see one family once years ago, but never anyone else. There are 2 Catholic churches here so most people I know go to those.

My Dad's two sisters both died in March, one last year and the other one 3 years ago (also another one many years ago but I don't know the month), so March is a sad month for him. I'm sorry about your dad. How long ago did he pass away?

I don't really understand my finger picking entirely, though I guess it's a stress release. I have done it since I was a kid. I used to just pick right at the cuticle, but now I pick it all the way up to the first finger bend and a bit around to the sides. I have 6 that are bloody right now, which is pretty typical. After much cajoling from my doctor, my husband, and one of my closest friends from high school, I tried therapy last fall for my depression, but I very much was hoping for help on the finger picking. I had tried lots of meds which helped my depression but didn't help the picking, so I wasn't sure if it was actually anxiety. The therapist said it could be partly OCD too, though the meds should have helped that. The therapy was no help either, so I quit back in Nov. I hide my fingers from adults whenever I can, but with my job, the kids see my fingers all the time. You did not tell me about your fingers. Do the kids accept what you tell the and move on? I've found my kids do.

I'm going to get some nice hot nourishing oat bran inside me to counteract the remnants of the wine. I hope you have a wonderful day!

One of my goats is showing signs of impending labor. We might have babies today!!

O baby goats- I wanna see! I'm glad things are sonmewhat stable for you for the moment. i know you are just waiting for a downturn with your Dad- just hang in there the best you can.

I understand about your spiritual connections. I hope you find thr peace and comfort that you need- anyway that happens. I am lost without my church family- and I enjot the many oppertunities to serve that my church offers, We have mid week Lenten services and soup suppers; and i always cook for thr homeless. It helps me see life from a bigger perspcetive; so many people have so much kless than me.

The kids have always accepted my fingers and once they are used to me, they usually don't give it any more attention. today was good- All classes were great-- the 3's today, whiich behave better than the 4's this year. They were flying robins today, and rainbows with scarves- just darling.And the director was not there. Hallelujah.

I have started a new supplement that is supposed to help with cravings, and i am having only one glass of wine and am happy with that. We will see it that continues. I wish you well on your goals too. I had soup today and i'm OK with no cheese and crackers- that's my downfall.

Hope the births go well- I'm so jealous

Still no baby goats as of last night! I guess I read the signs wrong. She's not too far away because her milk is in, but obviously not as close as I thought on Sunday morning!

Dad's PT is not progressing very well. Mom said it's mostly because of the dizzy spells which never got back under control after the cardiologist took him off the med that was controlling it back in Dec because he blamed the med for the fluid buildup. He went back on the med but the dizziness did not go away again. The pulmonologist said it was a leaky heart valve which the cardiologist denied. Neither of them seemed to be interested in finding out what was really wrong. Dad's primary care doctor asked him twice whether he had exposure to asbestos so he's the only one who had any idea or cared at all. Mom told me last night that during one ER trip she asked the pulmonologist who consulted whether it could be mesothelioma and he said "absolutely not" because the fluid had been tested and was negative. I wish I knew who that was so I could show him the pathology report from the pleural tissue. I have no faith in doctors. The doc at the rehab place where he is now was going to set up an appt with an oncologist for him but the oncologist said there was no point since they would recommend no treatment, and my dad does not want treatment anyway. The rehab doc said it would be too invasive to try and determine if the cancer is spread yet, so we don't know what stage he is or how long he has, though the doc suggested 6 months. Mom said she forgot to ask 6 months from when, because we are thinking maybe from the first fluid buildup which was in Dec. I did not mean for this paragraph to go on so long. I just got going and it all poured out :( I could use some baby goats about now!

What is the new supplement you are taking? I am still eating badly, but I haven't had wine since Saturday. I started my Lent a little late but after finding out about my dad that week, I needed a few extra days to get my head right. I think I can do it now. Yesterday yoga was canceled but I was glad because I ended up taking a short hike with my son after work. We went to the state park which has nice wooded trails. That was my first exercise since Tuesday of last week, but this morning I am seeing my trainer at the Y. Good for you that you've only had one glass of wine and no cheese and crackers! We can both do this!

Wow- that is so hard to go through with the medical system. I was wondering myself when you said mesothelioma if your Dad was exposed to asbestos. I know sometimes it can be frustrating to deal with different doctors and facilities and sometimes the hand doesn't know what the foot is doing as an analogy. I would hope some sort of rehab can be arranged, if only for his comfort. Still in my prayers.

I started 2 new supplements. One is Bio-x - Nucific co. It is a probiotic, but also is supposed to help with hunger hormones. The other is to lower cortisol, and is supposed to help you relax. I don't know if my cortisol is high, but I know I always feel "stressed out". We will se if they help. I had one glass of wine tonight too, but another crazy scedule change this week-end. That always throws me off.

Baby goats- come on! How many does she have at once- I don't know anything anout birthing goats obviously.

Everything else on my end is OK, but I still don't have a firm plan. It's just too hard with changing up sleep/work times. I am proud of you for giving up the wine - Yes- we can do it.

We never thought much about asbestos because most of his career was as a property tax assessor. When he was young though, he did sometimes help an uncle who was a roofer and they worked with asbestos. He was also in the merchant marine for a while, and I've recently learned that they used a lot of asbestos to insulate pipes on the ships. Dad was already getting palliative care at home. I don't know exactly what additional services you get with home hospice, but I don't think it will be hard to set up. I wish today were over so I could be setting out to go see him! My son and I will leave in the morning after I feed the goats.

And speaking of goats, no babies yet!! She really had me fooled with her milk being in. She seems completely unconcerned. I think she is now waiting until I leave and my husband is here alone. The labor could be from several hours up to 12 or so. It's like with people, hard to tell. Goats mostly have twins or triplets.

I have taken probiotics before but I can't remember what they were called. It was the live kind that you had to keep in the fridge. Would that help if you are eating for non-hunger reasons? I do a lot of comfort/depression etc. eating. I imagine my cortisol is pretty high too. I hope they work well for you! Keep me posted!

Yesterday the kindergarten teacher I start my day with gave me a plate with a donut and 2 slices of danish. I told myself I should just throw it out where she wouldn't see, then I said I'll eat just the donut and throw out the rest, then I ate it all. Sigh. The vending machine guy has to take expired stuff out of the machine but then he leaves it on the table (in the teacher workroom). I was in there copying a few days ago and opened a bag of chips, and maybe 7-8 and then threw the rest away. In the past 2 weeks I also had another donut, goldfish, candy, and chips. I had such good self control for the 2 years while I was losing weight plus the 2 years I kept it off. One of my strategies was avoidance of temptations, and I just don't know what to do with temptation constantly thrown at me.

What will your new schedule be? I am such a creature of habit, I would have a really hard time adjusting to new schedules. I am bad with change in general. I did get to the Y yesterday, so that's 2 days of exercise so far. Hoping to take another walk with my son after work today. I won't get any Fri or Sat probably, and will spend lots of time sitting in the car and sitting at the rehab place.

Sounds like you are still keeping the wine under control, despite all the craziness. Good for you! I am on day 4 of no alcohol.

I'm going to do a quick Leslie S 5-minute walk video and hop in the shower.

I am so glad you get to go see your Dad. The weather is forcast for some storms and maybe stupid snow- so I hope you don't run into any of that. As for the work snacks- I know. working crazy shifts makes it hard for me more than anything else. There are always cookies and chips on our snack table too. I can sometimes resist, and sometimes not. I know what you mean about just not being able to do what worked in the past. I am stuck weight wise and a couple of years ago I lost about 8 lbs and it wasn't that hard. Now, I just can't seem to get a handle on the magic formula.

I think my work scedule will be more stable now, at least until school is out and then no classes so that will be a change, but you know about that part yourself. The hospital is just different nights at least for now; but no overtime now. It should get easier.

Congrats on the no wine. I am not making much of an effort on that right now- I am going back and forth between one glass or 2 pretty much every noght- or morning if that is when I am getting ready for bed. That's the crazy part. I will let you know if the supplements make a difference. Probiotics are recommended for everyone these days , but you're right- they do have to be live and most packaged yogurt is pasturized which kills the good bacteria. Exercise is the only consistant thing I have going now plus one protein shake. Rachael and me went to the pool tonight and she had so much fun, and I got my 20 min. arm workout in too. I couldn't have any qual;ity of life without that gym, and it is 7 minutes away from home. Try to get a good walk on the days you are out of town, and that will make you feel better.

Safe travels my friend.