Fitness diary - TW eating disorders, body image, calorie restriction
Hello. I was part of a really great women's fitness sub on reddit, but I recently deleted reddit because I was running into too much content that was damaging to my mental health. I do miss that fitness community a lot tho. I miss reading about everyone's accomplishments, struggles and just daily updates, fitness-related or not. But hoping I can find some of that here too.
**** TW PLEASE NOTE- eating disorders, body image, calorie restriction ****
I do keep a fitness journal at home, but it's mostly just numbers. I'd like to use this thread as more of a fitness "diary", to fill the void I'm missing on reddit lol.
A bit about my background: I grew up with eating disorders from the age of 13, always wanting to be thinner and thinner. I was bulemic off and on for almost 10 years, with anorexia sprinkled in between. I was sedentary from my teenage years until I turned 30. I haven't been actively engaged in eating disorders since my early 20s, but a lot of the damaging and disordered tendencies still linger in my mind. I really struggle with body image and that has intensified greatly in the last few years. My body has changed since being a young adult, and slowly a really dark hatred for my body has crept in. That is how I started to become active. I used exercise as a way to punish myself, I pushed myself so hard with diet and exercise. I would have a mental breakdown every time I saw myself in the mirror, and I would restrict my food more and push myself harder working out. I'd cry because I was so out of shape and felt so weak, but I kept going because nothing could be more painful than how I felt seeing my own body. It was a very dark time, but I convinced myself that I was doing something good for my body. I convinced myself that eating 800 calories a day, and even going days without food, and working out till I collapsed was normal and I was doing good because I had "willpower".
But something happened, after a few months of punishing myself into exercising consistently, I actually began to enjoy working out. I started to notice that I could do a little bit more than when I started, I could use heavier weights and my lungs wouldn't give out so fast. The tiny amount of pride I felt from getting a little bit stronger, was the most proud I'd felt in all my adult life. I started to believe maybe I could actually become strong. Maybe what I want instead of being thin, is to be strong and physically capable. I wanted to lift heavier weights, I wanted sick muscles to show the work I'd put in. For the first time ever, I wanted to eat MORE, so I could sustain higher activity levels and build muscle. So I ate more for several months and lifted heavier and got a little stronger.
That was in the summer of 2022. Since then, I've stayed relatively consistent with exercise. I had a deep bout of depression last winter and didn't stay active for several months, but I came back to it after the new year. I built a home gym with a power rack and all the weights I could need. To date I have completed a program called Strong Curves, Caroline Girvan's Iron program twice, I've run GZCLP twice, and i am currently working through Caroline Girvan's Epic 1 program. I love lifting a lot, and when the weather is good in the spring and summer, I bike a lot because it makes me feel good and the cardio helps keep my anxiety at bay.
But I still really struggle with my relationship with eating. While my goal is muscle and strength, I still have so much fear around eating more. I do not restrict to the same extent that I did at the beginning of my fitness journey, but over this past summer I was so scared of not looking "small enough" that I cut my calories again. After so much work trying to get comfortable with eating more to lift heavier, I became obsessed with trying to be thin and limiting my calories all over again. I ended up losing a lot of strength, and the tiny amount of muscle I'd put on started to diminish.
I work hard and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, but because I'm scared to eat, I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I'm frustrated with myself, with my mind for being ill. I have goals that I want to achieve, but I keep holding myself back because "what if I don't look small enough". I want to escape this mentality so badly.
This month I have been slowly adding more calories to my diet. I don't want to work this hard only to sabatoge my progress by not eating enough. I'm terrified but really pushing myself to eat more. I really want to be strong. I want to prove to myself that I can do things I once believed I could never do. More than anything I want to overcome the desire to starve myself everytime my mental health falters. I know what I have to do. I am praying for the courage to do it, and that I can begin to treat myself and my body with kindness. I would love to look muscular and fit, but more than that I want to see my body for what it can *do*, not just how it *looks*. Right now that feels like a pipedream. But all I can do now is try and keep going.
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Oct 30
Today is a rest day because I got home late due to monthly staff meeting. I knew about this so I did today's workout yesterday😁 since tomorrow is Halloween I will be busy handing out candy so I guess that will be a rest day too. Can't have them all unfortunately😩 looking forward to Wednesday to get back to it. I've spent so much time writing this post that it is now past my bedtime😖 however, I was having a bit of a rough day and typing all this out made me feel a bit better. I've wanted to talk about this part of my life for a long time. I'm going to sleep now🌹
@sunlight1991
Hi Sunlight~ I'm Ocean the Healthy Living Community Mentor Leader. Thank you for being here and telling us a bit about yourself.... as well as all that you have been through and endured over the years.
It sounds like you have surely been through alot with trying & wanting to live a healthier lifestyle for yourself. And sometimes (for some of us), it can be a very difficult challenge & journey when we also suffer from Mental Health disorders that "clog" our thinking and judgement about things. In particular ourselves. Causing us to struggle even more, and take on Not so healthy behaviors.
As I read over your post, I didn't happen to see anywhere if you have ever reached out to a Healthcare provider regarding your Eating disorders? Not only your own healthcare provider, but perhaps even a Therapist or Counselor that specializes in Eating disorders (and disordered thinking)?! I know that this can be of great help as well for those that need it, outside of trying to do all of it on our own. Because sometimes some of us do need that "extra" professional help & support along the way while we continue to work on ourselves.
I think its awesome that you are here, and taking steps to do well and be the best "you" that you can be for yourself. And its great that you are incorporating some features such as 'Keeping a journal' for. And that you have seen your personal journey for what it is, In that you do in fact realize that you have suffered from disordered thinking for a good part of your life and journey. But, also,... that you do desire to want to do something about it!
How amazing that you have done such a great job in completing so many things and programs along the way! It certainly does make us feel "empowered"! And shows us that we can do whatever we set our minds to do! And you should in fact feel really proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished for yourself.
We think its really great that you are continuing to work towards your goals and your overall wellbeing! And we are also glad to hear that writing out your post helped you to feel better. Just know that we are here to support you however we can. And wish you the best of luck with all of your fitness goals and healthy living endeavors!
We also want to direct you as well, (If you haven't already seen it) to reach out and seek support here in our EATING DISORDER SUPPORT COMMUNITY if you so choose and desire to. Which can help you further in your goals. And give you the Extra support that you might need.
Again we are here to support you and please reach out if you have any questions.
@PoliteOcean thank you for the very thoughtful reply, and thanks for reading my post to begin with. I know it was long. I'm grateful for the kind words and acknowledgement. It felt relieving to be able to just post this somewhere, the weight of having it taking up so much headspace feels a little lighter right now. And the fact someone read it all makes me feel.. validated honestly. Thanks for the support Ocean.
I haven't ever talked to anyone about the eating disorders/ disordered tendencies except a little bit with my S/O. But I mostly try to hide those thoughts from him because i don't want him to hurt I guess. I think I'm trying to work up the courage to talk to a professional about my self esteem in general, as I know all these thoughts stem from me placing my entire worth on my appearance. I'll spend some time in the eating disorder community as well. Thanks again for your reply, it really does mean a lot to me
Nov 1
Day 15 of CG's Epic 1. It was a HIIT day, so many jumps omg😩 one thing I love about CG's programs is how much she incorporates pushups. When I was running GZCLP I felt pretty strong, my lower compound lifts just kept going up, my deadlifts and squats were solid, but it's so much slower to build upper body strength. My bench press progress felt like it was crawling and overhead even slower. And I struggled so much to do even a few pushups (don't even talk to me about pullups oh my godddd). It's such a basic move but it takes upper body strength which is just slower to build up for me idk why. Anyways I just always thought it would be so cool to be able to drop and power out endless pushups like it's no big deal. And now because they are thrown in so often in Epic, I'm finally improving🥹 (tricep pushups are another story for now, I just collapse lol).
Anyways it was a good quick work out, and after a nice shower I made the fattest fajita and now I'm ready for snooze😴
@sunlight1991
CG?! Is that Camp Gladiator?!
If so, I Love their programs!! Awesome.
They really give a good workout.
@PoliteOcean CG Caroline Girvan, she's a certified trainer that has a bunch of free programs on YouTube. Her workouts mainly use dumbbells and bodyweight only and aim for hypertrophy with high reps and volume and they kick my butt omgg. Plus she's my idol she's so strong and pretty and cool😍
But now I'm interested in Camp Gladiator hehe I'm looking it up🤭😁
Nov 2
Epic 1 day 16, back and biceps. WAS GOOD. And then I ate TWO fat fajitas for dinner. Trying my best to not mind the amount of calories I consumed today 😤 we tryin to bulk a lil so it's good. Probably take a rest tomorrow. Video game I've been waiting for SO LONGGGG is finally releasing tomorrow and I'm so excited to play, as long as I can stay awake after work😫 I'm wiped. Goodnight🌹
Nov 6 Epic Day 17 ETERNAL LUNGES oh my god so many lunges. Good thing i kinda like lunges actually. And it felt good after mostly sitting on my butt all weekend to play a new video game.
I am feeling some anxiety and negative thoughts creep up today. Work was busy enough to keep me distracted, by the time lunch rolled around I was too wiped to think about much of anything. When I got home and my brain could relax a bit I felt the thoughts creep up yet again. Chose to immediately put down my phone and open up the workout video. Got through that, now time to shower, eat dinner and prep lunch for tomorrow. Then hopefully can make it through just a bit more until its time for bed.
I feel like I'm running from the feelings. Like if I don't acknowledge them right now they won't have a chance to set in. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, because I also feel scared. It's like a monster under the bed today. But I don't feel like I have time to process or question why I'm having these bad feelings right now. So just going to keep doing everything I can tonight to distract myself from them until I can sleep.
At least I got some new skin care goodies to spoil myself with🙃
@sunlight1991 Hey Sunlight. You seem like a very peaceful and inspiring person. Glad to hear how motivated you are. I love to hear how others work on both their mental and physical health and how both routes collide and help each other. Love to be friends and stay connected :)
Hey.. Just saw this after chatting on the recipe thread.
I've been on a really similar journey and am struggling with the same sorts of thoughts and feelings.
This last year hasn't been bad as not felt any intense urges to starve myself. I've been going to the gym for 2+ hours a day 7days a week for a while.. But also recently broke that cycle and have been consistently having rest days for nearly 2 months now.
I'm not focusing on the eating or exercise problems anymore and that's made things way easier. The deeper issues that drove me to do those things are still there buried and lingering but I'm just not reacting to them in the same way anymore. The kinder you can be to yourself the better.. And when that little monster fires up inside and you want to react to it, the best you can do for now is to notice it, love it, be okay with it and feel settled with it.
I do think its all rooted in childhood trauma and upbringing. Trauma therapy, EMDR and compassion focused therapy can help with really getting to the root of it all, although it's very difficult and you have to be ready and stable enough for it.
Feel free to keep in touch and I hope your able to ignore the thoughts your having around food and body image.
Things can get better 😊
@Sasher thanks for this Sasher. I read this comment a few days ago and have been contemplating my reply, but something you said really resonated with me. About sitting with the feeling, allowing it to be.
This weekend I watched a documentary about Ram Dass, and he often talked about thoughts in a similar way. Thoughts as a "thing", something that you experience but not something that is you. I don't know why but the idea that I don't have to hold thoughts like they're a part of me is not something I'd really entertained before. I think it will be easier said than done, but I'm going to start trying to look at my thoughts and emotions like this, as things. I think it might help me not to ruminate so much, to not become so attached to how I feel about myself.
@sunlight1991 I'm glad it helped. Keep up the good work. It's all a journey of exploration and discovery. Over time and with kindness towards yourself.. As long as you're always seeking, you will find what your looking for :)
@sunlight1991 Hey Sunlight. That's so good to hear. Being born with a rare disorder and getting sick all the time as a kid being healthy and fit is one of my life goals. I love to exercise and find different ways to eat healthy and stay healthy. Sometimes my stomach can get super bloaty which is so annoying. I've come a long way on my fitness journey and am proud of the physical as well as the mental changes. I lift weights daily. Because I have a port I have to lift ten pounds or less, yet the size of the weight really doesn't matter as much as we assume as long as you're lifting something on a consistent basis. Are you on ***? If so I joined a group on there I absolutely love and am always grateful to invite others too. I'd love to share our fit life and goals together and stay in touch on that. You're inspiring, friend 😊😍