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Hello. I was part of a really great women's fitness sub on reddit, but I recently deleted reddit because I was running into too much content that was damaging to my mental health. I do miss that fitness community a lot tho. I miss reading about everyone's accomplishments, struggles and just daily updates, fitness-related or not. But hoping I can find some of that here too.
**** TW PLEASE NOTE- eating disorders, body image, calorie restriction ****
I do keep a fitness journal at home, but it's mostly just numbers. I'd like to use this thread as more of a fitness "diary", to fill the void I'm missing on reddit lol.
A bit about my background: I grew up with eating disorders from the age of 13, always wanting to be thinner and thinner. I was bulemic off and on for almost 10 years, with anorexia sprinkled in between. I was sedentary from my teenage years until I turned 30. I haven't been actively engaged in eating disorders since my early 20s, but a lot of the damaging and disordered tendencies still linger in my mind. I really struggle with body image and that has intensified greatly in the last few years. My body has changed since being a young adult, and slowly a really dark hatred for my body has crept in. That is how I started to become active. I used exercise as a way to punish myself, I pushed myself so hard with diet and exercise. I would have a mental breakdown every time I saw myself in the mirror, and I would restrict my food more and push myself harder working out. I'd cry because I was so out of shape and felt so weak, but I kept going because nothing could be more painful than how I felt seeing my own body. It was a very dark time, but I convinced myself that I was doing something good for my body. I convinced myself that eating 800 calories a day, and even going days without food, and working out till I collapsed was normal and I was doing good because I had "willpower".
But something happened, after a few months of punishing myself into exercising consistently, I actually began to enjoy working out. I started to notice that I could do a little bit more than when I started, I could use heavier weights and my lungs wouldn't give out so fast. The tiny amount of pride I felt from getting a little bit stronger, was the most proud I'd felt in all my adult life. I started to believe maybe I could actually become strong. Maybe what I want instead of being thin, is to be strong and physically capable. I wanted to lift heavier weights, I wanted sick muscles to show the work I'd put in. For the first time ever, I wanted to eat MORE, so I could sustain higher activity levels and build muscle. So I ate more for several months and lifted heavier and got a little stronger.
That was in the summer of 2022. Since then, I've stayed relatively consistent with exercise. I had a deep bout of depression last winter and didn't stay active for several months, but I came back to it after the new year. I built a home gym with a power rack and all the weights I could need. To date I have completed a program called Strong Curves, Caroline Girvan's Iron program twice, I've run GZCLP twice, and i am currently working through Caroline Girvan's Epic 1 program. I love lifting a lot, and when the weather is good in the spring and summer, I bike a lot because it makes me feel good and the cardio helps keep my anxiety at bay.
But I still really struggle with my relationship with eating. While my goal is muscle and strength, I still have so much fear around eating more. I do not restrict to the same extent that I did at the beginning of my fitness journey, but over this past summer I was so scared of not looking "small enough" that I cut my calories again. After so much work trying to get comfortable with eating more to lift heavier, I became obsessed with trying to be thin and limiting my calories all over again. I ended up losing a lot of strength, and the tiny amount of muscle I'd put on started to diminish.
I work hard and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, but because I'm scared to eat, I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. I'm frustrated with myself, with my mind for being ill. I have goals that I want to achieve, but I keep holding myself back because "what if I don't look small enough". I want to escape this mentality so badly.
This month I have been slowly adding more calories to my diet. I don't want to work this hard only to sabatoge my progress by not eating enough. I'm terrified but really pushing myself to eat more. I really want to be strong. I want to prove to myself that I can do things I once believed I could never do. More than anything I want to overcome the desire to starve myself everytime my mental health falters. I know what I have to do. I am praying for the courage to do it, and that I can begin to treat myself and my body with kindness. I would love to look muscular and fit, but more than that I want to see my body for what it can *do*, not just how it *looks*. Right now that feels like a pipedream. But all I can do now is try and keep going.
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Oct 30
Today is a rest day because I got home late due to monthly staff meeting. I knew about this so I did today's workout yesterday😁 since tomorrow is Halloween I will be busy handing out candy so I guess that will be a rest day too. Can't have them all unfortunately😩 looking forward to Wednesday to get back to it. I've spent so much time writing this post that it is now past my bedtime😖 however, I was having a bit of a rough day and typing all this out made me feel a bit better. I've wanted to talk about this part of my life for a long time. I'm going to sleep now🌹
