need food

Hey @alexaners7734,
eating can be a chore for many people.
For how long do you consider that you have to force yourself to eat?
Do you think there was a trigger? Or is that just exhausting and/or disguting? or have you dealt with it for your entire life?
Are hungry but don't feel as eating, or not at all? otherside, are you happy with your body?
Do you have any medical condition recognized (physical or mental)?
How do you usually encourage yourself to eat? Are you doing it by fear, by nescessity or other?

Hi my friend @alexaners7734,
I hope you are well. I see that you did not reply, and it's okay! you don't have to answer any question that you are not comfortable of! I just want make sure you know that i am here for support you and not for judge. My questions was really for better understand your reality, your situation and what you are experiencing. I want support you at best I can and personalize your experience here. If someday you want talk to me here, on the forum, or on the healthy living support room, then i would be happy to support you.

@vivelespatates sorry it taken a long time, but at first i didnt know how 2 answer. then i came bak and looked at it and think i can try 2 answer you now. :)

i didnt understand ur 1st question.

Do you think there was a trigger? Or is that just exhausting and/or disguting? or have you dealt with it for your entire life? ......

no i dont think there was a trigger. but it started as suicide but now its b\c im FAT! food makes me feel like puking. just b\c i can get fat from anything i eat.

Are hungry but don't feel as eating, or not at all? otherside, are you happy with your body?.......

im hungry, but anything i eat will take half my calorie intake so eating makes me feel like puking b\c wen i blow my healthy calorie limit i feel fatter. and im already fat enuff

Do you have any medical condition recognized (physical or mental)? .....

deppression and general craziness.

How do you usually encourage yourself to eat? Are you doing it by fear, by nescessity or other.......

people literally shoving it down my throat which makes me feel worse than if i ate by choice.....as in i bought it w\ money i dont really have and now i HAVE 2 eat it.

Hey alexaners7734,
thank you for you those details, it helps me to have a better portrait of your situation and your struggles. I hear that you are struggling with body image, depression and people pressuring on you for eating. Maybe also your esteem play in it. Those factors can definitly make it unpleasant to eat.

I want help you to develop a more healthy relationship with food. Small steps can work, but it has to come from you. You have to decide your small goals, and work on them, and not punish you if you struggle to achieve them. That is good that you identified all those things. it's a huge step! Keep moving forward and be kind to yourself. You have to find a balance that works for you and go step by step.

You are strong and you made the right choice by searching support here. It shows your desire to learn to eat more healthy and develop a more positive relationship with food. And I know you can do it because you are amazing! Every small step bring you nearest of the victory.

Have you though about your goals? What do you REALLY want for yourself? What kind of support would help you to develop your self-confidence and help you to achieve your goals? We are here for you.

@vivelespatates "I want help you to develop a more healthy relationship with food.........."

how would i do this?

now my dog just died, my mom disowned me,.....and worst of all my dad said the magic words and pulled a trigger:

he said that 1 yr ago my life was almost compleately clear of chaos...thats wen i should hav set him str8 on y.

he new i cut, but ...

wen he said that i just shouldve screamed the truth"wat? u mean the whole thime iwas cuting and haveing problems w\ eating disorders?!? huh?!? this that the time period u mean?!"

so, yeah....i feel even worse about food and how fat i am and how little i exercise.

and now after 10.5 months of not cutting i really feel like doing it.

Hey alexaners7734, Sorry for delay in my answer!

Lost our pet is very horrible, I'm very sorry about that you lost your dog. It's something that must affect you a lot and is definitly a trigger. more your mom who stopped contact you :(
And attitude of your dad did not help for sure.

So much trigers! I understand that you can searching coping methods and have trouble to love yourself. It definitly can bring changes in our food habits and develop a bad relationship with food.

And when you dont have a healthy relationship with food it can be very scary to gain weight, or being terrified about being overweight, or getting fatter. so it's a long circle that you are taken in.

self harm was a coping method that you tried and that did not help as it was hurtful for you. I'm happy that you successed to stop it!!

wanting to take control on your food habits is just normal, and it's normal that you struggle after everything you experienced!

Can you think of any nmore positive coping methods that might work for you?
Have you a food journal or a tracking, or any food plan that can help you to allow to know when you are on good track and when it's more difficult for you?
Develop a healthy lifestyle it's something that can take some time and we can go step by step by choosing a specific goal at the time, on short time, and see how it progress, exploring our triggers and work directly on them.
It needed also to not be too hard on yourself, and respect your rythm. It's really to learn to accept and love yourself <3
Do you have any specific goal, realistic and not too hard for yourself, that you could start to work with? In relation with finding more positive coping methods or about develop better habits? or about self-acceptance or self-love?

You are very strong for passing over all that and continue to searching how develop a more healthy lifestyle despite your depression and all. I am sure you can achieve your goals because you are amazing.

@vivelespatates im trying 2 start posting my food journal here on this post every nite...

my goals 4 food\fittness are: 1,000 pushups....1,000 situps, on 1,000 calories a day. :D

my goals in life are: lasting 1yr. w\o cutting, keep both my jobs untill at least 2017.

...its worse than mom not wanting me callling\texting.....b\c i live with her so she blatenly ignored me wen i try talking and if she can, she will walk away wen i start walking in her direction.

8\23

1\8c quaker maple brown sugar oatmeal for breakfat

lunch=qdoba taco salad w\ shell,Cilantro Lime Rice,Seasoned Ground Beef,Fajita Vegetables,Salsa Roja, lettuce

dinner= 3 slices cicis apple desert pizza.

8\24...

breakFAT=1 packet instant quaker maple brown sugar oatmeal

dinner=1lb. burger w\ bread&butter pickles, seeded bun, 2 pieces kraft singles american cheese

+

1 full plate mac&cheese

+

1 plate spaghetti

+

1 DQ lg dipped ice cream cone

8\25.....

breakFAT= 2 hardees biscuit and gravy

+

3.56 cup whole milk( the whole time i was drinking it, i stared at the cow on the bottle thinking 2 myself "yep thats u, thats exactly wat u look like. ur a big FAT cow that spends the whole day eating...thats all u ever do!")

+

1 dunkin dounuts bavarian doughnut

+

1 dunkin dounuts apple n spice doughnut

(all of which i promptly purged as soon as i got 2 work 30min. later............) :D :( yep im bad, i suck!

dinner=1lb. burger w\ bread&butter pickles, seeded bun, 2 pieces kraft singles american cheese

+

1\8 cup lime JELLO

then took a shower rite after....but all i could think about, was how good it felt 2 purge & about my dads coment of how little control i have over the chaos in my life..... :(

ps. all this food is making me feel fat. it seems like all i hav done in the past 3 days is eat. im so pathetic!:""""(

y do i keep bouncing from 1 extreme 2 the other?! this is so patheticly annoying! im so stupid, that i hav absolutly no control in my life! :""(

@alexaners7734
- By practical depriving, a person comes to develop a negative relationship with food, if they did not already have.
You feel that you never eat the right quantities. We lose our natural signals of hunger and satiety sent by our body, such as gurgling or an empty feeling in the stomach. Same for the feeling of fullness after a meal. Finally, that can lead to an eating disorder, and it's this one that will determine the amounts of foods to eat, as it becomes very difficult to know if you have eaten too much or enough to meet the needs of his body. And the (very) many failures that you experienced, and is still experiencing, result in a deterioration of self-esteem as it seems that you can experience right now.
Assuming that eating too few or too much, or the method that you are trying right now, do not work, what could you try in order for changing your lifestyle and develop a more healthy relationship with food?

9\5\16

breakfast: 2 servings quaker quick oats, w\ 1\4 cup brown sugar.

dinner: pizza sub from firehouse and

...1 scoop chocolate ice cream(which is making me want 2 cut and cry in2 the cuts while purging!).

also, i feel like going on a 5 day str8 fast w\ 0 calories and only h2o in my stomach.

@blitheSun94

9\10

i feel like purging even tho im under my max calorie limit! i just feel like a fat cow......

and then i walk into work and they are screaming at me for leaving 2 go eat, wen actually, my parents dropped me off early just so i could eat! so i wasnt even supposed 2 b there and they yell at me for leaving!

breakfast: 1\8cup oatmeal=30 calories

dinner: applebees 6oz top serloin + baked potatoe w\ 1\4cup salt :) + garlic mashed potatoes=520 calories

total calories=850 max calories im comfortable w\: 1,000

@blitheSun94

im so tempted 2 purge even tho im under my max calorie limit and all i ate 2day was 2 hardee's biscuits and gravys i just feel like a fat PIG......

and then i walk into work w\ the food and they are screaming at me for leaving 2 go get food wen they no i dont normally eat.

they kept screaming that i shouldve brought them back some food since i was over there in the first place and didnt even ask if they wanted anything. wen 1 of them dared 2 ask... "can i have it?" i was so tempted 2 give it 2 the and fast the whole day! i had 2 fite w\ myself 2 make sure i said "no! i need 2 eat. this is mine and i need 2 COMPLEATELY eat both of them, b\c i probly wont eat anything else 2day...b\c how fattening this is!"

@blitheSun94

9\11 total calorie count

1 Hardee's - Biscuit 'n' Gravy=460 Calories

x2=

900 calories total all day long :D :( :D :D

Hey you,

I'm sorry you're still struggling. I see you're eating a lot of high calorie foods. What helps me is keeping up with my vegetarian diet (I still eat fish). This allows me to balance between healthy restriction and the slippery slope of my ED, as well as, a greater diversity in my food choices. Personally, it helps me to eat lower calorie health foods through out the day w/light exercise rather than designated meal times. It helps me avoid the risk of binging after restrictions all day.

Hope this helps. Try not to be too hard on yourself. ♡

@blitheSun94 i cant eat veggies b\c the people i live w\ only eat meat! :'(

@alexaners7734

You can't buy your own food?

@blitheSun94 parents take my $$$, then wont even let me get wat i need and they only buy wat they use AS LONG AS I DONT ALSO USE IT!

@alexaners7734

how old are you ? Can you get away?

@HalliwellSister 19.

@HalliwellSister 19. no. i cant even survive on my own. parents kicked me out until i was homeless, so now im stuck w\ them again.

@alexaners7734

ohwow I'm so sorry to hear this

STUGGLING 2 EAT MY CAKE RITE NOW! :'(

@alexaners7734

you can't eat the cake ?