Teaching Listeners About Grief & Loss
What are some things that you wish Listeners knew about Grief?
Sometimes Listeners come to 7 Cups not really knowing about certain topics, but are eager to learn about them, to better help those who seek support here.
In order to help Listeners support members who are grieving, in the best way that they can, we ask you to tell us what are some things that you wish Listeners knew about Grief.
This could be anything from knowing what Grief really is, how it feels like to be grieving, to the best ways to communicate with a grieving person during one-on-one chats.
I look forward to your comments, and I wish you all the best!
Marcelo
@azuladragon34 @CordialBeing @HealingTalk @Jaeteuk @LeonardoMarino @mish3l @mytwistedsoul @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @tommy
Hi Marcelo @HealingTalk.
Thanks for tagging me 🤗
I didn't really try Listeners because I went straight to therapy so I wouldn't know.
But if I did, then maybe it would be:
* That it's not good to compare your grief to others because everybody's grief is individual.
* That it's okay to grief something or someone other than family, friends or other people you've been close to in real life. You can grief things, parts of yourself you've lost, your lost health, sports you cannot do anymore, people you didn't know personally.
* That grief never dissappears. It's you growing around it and learning to live with it. You can fake like you forgot it and bury it inside all you want but it returns and the more you reject it the worse it will become. Accepting it and being compassionate with yourself is the only way, however weird it may sound.
Thanks for caring ❤️
@mish3l
Aww! These are really wonderful and valid points and I totally agree! I especially agree about the bit of not comparing grief ❤️ thank you so much for sharing!
@mish3l
Thank you, Michaela!
Those are important points for Listeners to have present when supporting someone grieving.
Thank you for taking the time to make this contribution.
This material will be used to train new Listeners.
All the best!
Marcelo
I'm grieving the loss of a very special friend, my 16 years old cat. Why do I feel so confused with my feelings? Why sometimes I feel like my grief does not correspond to the love I have for her?
@Elismay1
I hear you :( I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like alot is going on and it's difficult to understand feelings right now ❤️ feeling confused is valid and it's okay to feel that way. I hear you. Sometimes when we are in shock or when we loose someone it can be extremely difficult :( and emotions can be super difficult. *Hugs if okay* we are always here for you! 💜
@amiableBunny4016
Thank you 🙏
@Elismay1
Hi, Elismay!
I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved 16-year-old cat. Losing a pet, especially one that has been a part of your life for such a long time, can be an incredibly challenging and emotional experience. It's perfectly normal to feel a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions during this time.
First and foremost, grief is a complex and unique process for each person. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and it doesn't follow a linear path. You might experience a rollercoaster of emotions, which can include sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even moments of numbness. It's important to remember that these emotions don't have to correspond directly to the amount of love you had for your cat.
The confusion you're feeling may stem from a few different factors. One is that you might be questioning the intensity of your grief because society sometimes downplays the loss of pets compared to the loss of human loved ones. However, the bond between a pet and their owner can be incredibly strong and deep. Your cat was not just a pet; she was a cherished companion who provided love, comfort, and companionship throughout your life. So, the love you feel for her is entirely valid, and it's natural for that love to result in profound grief when she's no longer with you.
Another reason for the confusion might be that you're comparing your grief to some preconceived idea of what grief should look like. Everyone experiences and expresses grief differently. Your grief is unique to you, just as your relationship with your cat was unique. It's okay if your grief doesn't align with someone else's experience or with your own expectations.
Additionally, grieving is not just about the love you had for your cat; it's also about the changes and adjustments you need to make in your life without her. You might be mourning the routines, the companionship, and the comfort she provided. The emptiness and void she leaves behind can intensify your grief even if you feel confused about the emotions you're experiencing.
It's important to allow yourself the time and space to grieve in your own way. There's no deadline for when you should "get over" this loss, and healing takes as long as it takes. It can be helpful to talk to friends, family, and come here to 7 Cups to share about your feelings. Sharing your emotions can often provide clarity and a sense of relief.
@HealingTalk
Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to me and it's very helpful. I'm realising that I was expecting to feel mostly an unbearable sadness and what I'm feeling is not only sadness but a lot of things, like anxiety attacks, numbness, fear, etc, and I almost don't want to speak to anyone. Also, I was grieving before she passed, because she had chronic illness and I felt all the changes in her life and body, the suffering... So, I guess all my feelings are valid and no matter what, she was and is very much loved, she was my world. Thank you again for helping me and your kind words ❤️🖤
@Elismay1
Yes, Elismay, all your feelings are 100% absolutely valid, and no matter what, she was and is very much loved, she was your world.
💜 💜 💜
I completely agree and appreciate your response about grieving the patterns and changes in your routine. I miss my labrador and it is 9 months ago today.
i am sorry for your loss and grief for your cat in any form it is for you is valid. Today my grief is sad but I’m trying to focus on the great times that we had. It’s taken me a long time to even remember those.
@HealingTalk
This is a wonderful forum idea! Thank you!
@HealingTalk Sometimes we just need someone to listen - to offer some comfort. Many people might not have people they can share with. We're not looking for anyone to give us answers - we just need to give voice to everything we're feeling. Some people might already be struggling with complex and conflicting emotions when it comes to grief and they could be grieving many things all at once
@mytwistedsoul
This is wonderful! I actually find this quite sn interesting and important point and I think it's so important that listeners understand and listen! Thank you for sharing this actually. ❤️ *Hugs if okay*
@mytwistedsoul
Those are great points that apply to many other emotional issues as well.
Thank you for taking the time to make this contribution!
As I told Michaela, this material will be used by the "Listener Learning Discussions" team to train new Listeners.
So your thoughtful contribution will surely benefit people who come to Cups seeking support.
All the best!
Marcelo.
@HealingTalk
Healing is a process. It’s different for everybody. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
@Derekfan7695
Ah! I love this! There is no right or wrong way to grief and I totally agree! Does remind me of this quote:
'give yourself grace as you grow through grief. Be patient with your pain. There is no rush to mens. Take care as your healing ebbs and flows'
Bunny 💜
Yes.. That is so true!😀
@Saly33
I am glad that you liked the idea of teaching Listeners about grief and loss, and that you have found valuable the answers given by fellow members of this Community!
Thank you for your support to this initiative!
After 6 years of grieving the loss of my longtime partner, i have a few thoughts.
It's important to avoid leaning on the tired and ever-so-cliched aphorisms "Sorry for your loss" and "Life is a journey." To me, these border on insulting and they show a lack of imagination. I'm aware that people mean well, living in a society that tends to be grief-illiterate, but spouting these cliches is the easy way out. No one is 100% comfortable with death, loss, grief and emptiness, so they resort to the drive-by remarks I quoted above, so they can beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of pretending death will not come to them or the ones they love, one day.
@InquireWithin
I agree that listeners must never answer with cliches or canned responses supposedly appropriate for "standard cases" ("what to say to a grieving [depressed/anxious/whatever] person"), but focus on the particular feelings and experiences of the person they are talking with, and then think and talk from this specific place.
Having this always in mind, and cultivating the mental discipline of avoiding cliches (the automatic, easy path), is something listeners must definitely learn.
Thank you for pointing to this issue from your lived experience perspective!
@HealingTalk
-Grief Is Unique: Grief is a highly personal and unique experience. It affects each person differently. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting someone through grief.
-It's Not a Linear Process: Grief doesn't follow a set timeline or stages. It can be cyclical, with moments of intense emotions resurfacing over time. Listeners should be patient and understanding of this.
-Avoid Clichés: Grieving individuals may find clichés like "time heals all wounds" or "everything happens for a reason" unhelpful. It's better to offer genuine support and understanding.
-Let Them Lead the Conversation: Ask open-ended questions and let the grieving person guide the conversation. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others may want to discuss unrelated topics as a temporary distraction.
-Normalize Their Emotions: Let them know that it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions, from sadness to anger to guilt. Normalize their feelings and validate their experiences.
-No Fixing, Just Being There: Understand that you can't "fix" their grief. Your role is to provide a compassionate, nonjudgmental presence and support as they navigate their feelings.
-Self-Care: Encourage them to prioritize self-care and seek professional help if needed. Grief can take a toll on one's mental and emotional well-being. By being aware of these aspects of grief and approaching it with empathy, Listeners can provide valuable support to those who are grieving.
@VirtuousMoon
This a very comprehensive and wise list of guiding principles for supporting people going through Grief.
I totally agree, and I learned valuable lessons from your post.
Thank you for taking the time to reflect, compose and write down such a well-written and insightful contribution.
This thread is linked to a dashboard used by the "Listener Learning Discussions" Team to obtain useful materials for teaching Listeners to deal with different topics.
Your text will be very helpful as teaching material about supporting people going through Grief.
So people grieving will get better support.
Thank you very much for such a valuable contribution!
@HealingTalk Grief is complicated.
Grief isn't a singular emotion - typically people who haven't been through deep loss believe we experience sadness. It's not that simple. Outside the Kubler-Ross model of the stages of grief, people have complicated emotions because relationships with others are complicated. Losing someone or something often leaves us with unresolved situations, and those former feelings bleed over and are often heightened during grief. Our feelings also change over time with reflection and more experience. It's also okay to feel nothing - it doesn't mean we've shut down or masking or ignoring the underlying issues, we might really have nothing left emotionally.
As others have said, we want Listeners to listen - no cliche's, no judging, no pandering, and not too many questions. We would like to dictate the pace and the direction of the conversation. Let the conversation be organic and wait for the words to flow out of us.
Thanks to all of you for listening.
