My nan

It all feels so incredibly stupid. It has been nearly three years since my nan died and I'm only just actually thinking about it. She was ill for a while, and I knew. I was the first one out of my siblings to be told as I am the oldest but I hated it. I hated that I was old enough to know but not old enough for anyone to speak to me about it. I hated that it was all happening so quickly. I hated basically watching her disappear each time I visited.

When she died it was a Sunday I think. It had been an okay day and me and my sister sat in our beds talking like we usually did. I remember hearing my dad leaving but I thought he had work or something. An hour or two passed before my mum came upstairs. She had been crying I could tell. She then told us that she died and I cried for like five minutes then stopped and would only do this once more when my mum sat me down and asked if I wanted to go to her funeral. I remember being annoyed for months. Not at anyone in particular, just everything irritated me. I remember thinking that I visited her every week but missed the one that was most important. I told my mum it was because I had a headache but I think we both knew that I was lying. I was scared. I was scared of seeing her and not knowing what to say or do. I knew I couldn't cry in front of her because it wasn't my illness. I didn't know that would be my last chance to speak to her, I thought I would see her the following week but I never did.

She left me her necklace that I dont think I had ever seen her not wearing and I think I have only opened the box once. I tried last night but everytime I got close I felt my chest tightening and it was like I couldn't breathe. It was late so I couldn't say anything, but I slowly felt myself enter the stage of these attacks where its like I'm watching if you know what I mean? I then accidentally turned the box over and saw the note my aunt had written and it made it worse. I'm not sure how many times these im not sure whether to call them attacks or episodes but i don't know how long they lasted. I don't remember a lot from them except I remember feeling cold and alone. It sounds so selfish for me to be complaining about this but it did.