Validating and Channeling our Emotions
Hello, wonderful Grief and Loss Community!
In this third post of our “Emotional Awareness” Event, I propose you to reflect on Validating and Channeling our Emotions.
As we discussed in previous posts of this Event, consciously identifying our emotions gives us the possibility of understanding, validating and channeling each of them in its proper way.
Thoughts like “I feel awful” or “I am a mess” don’t help us much in this respect. We need to identify specific emotions so we can do something appropriate and helpful about each of them.
For example, after a serious loss, we might feel “awful” in general. This “feeling awful” might be composed of a host of emotions. Very Sad for the loss. Angry at the situation, how unfair it is. Scared of our emotional future. Less valuable, as we lost someone who used to bring meaning and value to our lives. Shamed by invalidating external factors like culture and people who hurry up to “get over it”. And so on.
After identifying the specific emotions we are experiencing, we know much better what is happening to us, which is reassuring in itself. Even if we continue to feel “awful”, now we know exactly what’s going on.
We can now validate each of these emotions on their own terms. Validating our emotions is about accepting, and understanding them without judgment, taking our feelings seriously and giving ourselves permission to feel them, no matter how “positive” or “negative” they may be considered in our culture..
All feelings are valid and there's no need to judge or criticize ourselves for feeling a certain way. it's okay to feel whatever we are feeling. To reinforce this non-judgemental, validating attitude towards our emotions, we can use affirmations like, "It makes sense that I would feel this way given the situation", or "I'm doing the best I can, including feeling these emotions".
And deal with each emotion by expressing and channeling it in its specific proper way, further understanding them, validating them as a genuine part of our emotional life, and challenging problematic assumptions, for example about our worth and our future.
Validating and channeling emotions is a skill that can be practiced and improved.
Emotions have different qualities, and degrees of intensity, and each one has a meaning, a reason, and a proper way of channeling them.
Sadness, for example, can be channeled in a cathartic way by crying. Give yourself the time and space to cry and validate it as a genuine expression of your true feelings. Some people find it difficult to cry. They might benefit from finding some cathalyst that triggers crying, like listening to emotional music, reading poems about grief, or contemplating any other intense artistic expression of sadness. Some people find it useful to write in a journal about their sadness, in a direct or a poetic way.
We might also feel a lot of Anger about the unfairness of this world, and how random events bring much suffering to innocent people. Anger carries a lot of energy, and we might channel this energy to things that make this world a little less unfair. For example volunteering in activities that mitigate suffering. Even seemingly small things, like spending some time in 7 Cups answering posts of people who are struggling right now, might be a way to channel that energy from righteous anger into things that make this world a more caring place.
Emotions like fear of the future, shame, or guilt, might be re-examined and dealt with head-on. Asking questions is a great way to start. For example, asking What certainty do I have that my future will be so bleak? What can I do to make it better? What external factors invalidate my emotions and promote shame? What responsibility I have in what happened? Could I have done something different to avert the worst? And if we think so, identify it and practice self-forgiveness.
These are just some examples. You might find your own way to channel each specific emotion once you have acknowledged and validated them.
What about positive emotions?
We might benefit from identifying, nurturing, and promoting positive emotions as well. Even if they are fleeting, lasting only for a brief time, or seem out of place when we are grieving.
Despite our general mood being very down, we might find positive emotions in our daily lives and be aware of them when they are present.
It is very important not to feel guilty about positive emotions while grieving. Grief might be an emotional rollercoaster with marked ups and downs, and the ups are as valid as the downs.
We might recall good memories of happy times with a person we lost. We might enjoy some music, even very sad music. We might feel the warmth of friends and family. The beauty of a nice day. The fun of a comedy film. The fulfillment and satisfaction at the completion of a meaningful project.
Next month Kristy ( @Kristynsmama ) will propose a very meaningful activity that best exemplifies the kind of projects we might embark on while grieving, to give full expression to the love we have for those hugely valuable people in our lives who we have lost.
Questions:
- Have you ever felt that your emotions are invalidated by someone or even by yourself?
- How do you express and channel your emotions while grieving?
In near paragraphs you say one has to validate their feelings and later you say all feelings are valid. Not criticizing your writing but just the sloppy way everyone talks about feelings. I wish people would stop using the word “valid.”
I am annoyed when someone says, “your feelings are valid.” You might as well say the Sun is real. Of course it’s real! It just is, and feelings are just feelings.
WTF does it mean for a feeling to be “valid”? Does it mean, justified? Does it mean any reasonable person would feel the same way under the same circumstances? What if you feel super anxious in social situations where others are comfortable - are your feelings then “invalid”?
I’m afraid to hear anyone define, “valid feeling” because I think it will sound about as nonsensical as saying the Moon is valid.
Hi! Thank you for coming here to share your thoughts.
Validation is important and useful for me and most people. If it doesn't work for you, that is ok, many other practices might help you.
Validation is a key part of the emotional support toolkit of Active Listening as developed by the great psychologist Carl Rogers and practiced by all Listeners in 7 Cups.
It is also a fundamental component of most if not all therapy practices: ACT ("A" stands for "acceptance"), DBT, Jungian psychology (Carl Jung talked about accepting our "Shadow" or denied and repressed part of our psyche) and Psychoanalysis. And Rogerian therapy, of course.
Validation means recognizing that our feelings exist and are real, regardless of what they are or what caused them. This is important because sometimes we feel dismissed or unheard (even by ourselves) when experiencing strong emotions.
When "validating" we are not judging our feelings as good or bad, right or wrong. We are simply saying that it's okay to feel whatever we are feeling. This can be comforting for most people, especially when dealing with difficult emotions.
Validation implies that our feelings matter and are worthy of attention. This allows us to accept our own experiences and perspectives.
With validation, we also connect our feelings to our human nature, and thus to people around us who might be feeling the same. We are not alone in experiencing what we are experiencing. We conceive our emotions as a natural and human response to our experiences, deserving of respect and acknowledgment, regardless of what we and others might think or react.
It encourages us to accept and express our emotions, rather than suppress or deny them. It leads to recognizing that we are worthy of care and respect, just as we are.
To give a personal example (this is real, not made up), when I am anxious, my first reaction is that I shouldn't feel anxious. That there is no reason for that. That feeling anxious is a flaw I shouldn't have. Making things worse.
So the idea of "validating" that feeling is useful and does make sense to me. That it's ok to feel that way. Maybe there are real factors that cause my anxiety, factors that I might explore. Anxiety is a widespread human experience due to our neurological and psychological nature, and as a human, I am subject to feeling anxiety. And so on.
This mindset will certainly help me feel better and find healthy ways to deal with my anxiety.
Regarding my writing skills, I apologize for that. I am not an English native speaker. My language is Spanish. I do the best I can. This is an international community, many of us are not native English speakers, might be so-so writers like me, and "sloppy" when writing about feelings.
Thank you again for your participation!
I hope to see you again soon around here.
@FlatenedByLife
@HealingTalk I didn’t mean your writing was sloppy. I was generalizing to everyone. I understand the concept of communicating that a person is “entitled” to feel how they feel without criticizing how they are feeling. To me it seems more accurate to describe the thought process behind a feeling as valid or not. A thought has something to be measured against and thus judged as valid or not. The physiology that results from that thought is just what it is and cannot be judged.
I guess the meaning of a word depends on its context.
"Valid" has a very clear meaning in logic (a valid argument), in science (a valid statement), in grammar and programming (a valid expression), another in legal matters (a valid contract), or the political process (a valid decree). In ethics (if something is morally justified), In databases, there are "validation rules", so valid or invalid entries. There might be contradictions applying these different contextual meanings, for example, a valid contract or a grammatically valid language expression might be ethically invalid (immoral). An invalid decree due to its unconstitutional procedure might be a valid text grammatically or even logically. Any of those might be an invalid database entry (a number is required, not text).
And "valid" also has a meaning in the context of mental health practices and emotional support, as stated above.
You have a point regarding hateful expressions, they are not valid in ethical terms, they are unacceptable, unethical and immoral. We must fight hatred, for example banning it in these forums, so it doesn't hurt and it doesn't spread.
Maybe we should say "Your feelings are valid unless they are about hatred". Even if they are caused by a mental health issue, like sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
@FlatenedByLife
@FlatenedByLife gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ I hear you, it's ok your feelings on this are valid 🤗❤
😂😂😂😂
@Tinywhisper11 Yay! Viva valid validity!
Somehow when you say it its ok 🤗❤️
Everyone else, put down the validification and back out the door slowly with your hands up! 🚨👮♀️🚔
@FlatenedByLife puts wheelchair in reverse... Leaves quietly😂😂
@HealingTalk yeah kind of, mostly by myself though really. The loss of my son, was not a normal death. So it's hard especially with guilt and well lots of emotions. But then you have people who knew their l oved ones they lost, for many year's. So I'm guessing that must be much harder than my loss. So I shouldn't complain about my grief when someone else is suffering more. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry
Hi, Lola!
Invalidating our own emotions is an issue for many people.
There are ways to train ourselves to validate them.
The first would be to notice when you are invalidating your emotions. Catch yourself when you have thoughts like "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "This isn't a big deal." or like you say "Other people suffer more, I shouldn't complain". These kinds of thoughts might lead to dismissing or repressing our emotions.
Then, you might reverse this invalidating self-talk, by talking to yourself as you would to a friend, like you do here with much compassion when answering so many posts by people who are struggling.
So changing the perspective and seeing yourself from the outside, so to speak, as a person who is struggling, that you wish to embrace with much compassion, could be good training for validating your emotions.
Also expressing them here, like you do so well and often, is very validating. The things we tell others carry a great weight for ourselves. When you tell this Community that you are not feeling ok, and ask for support, you are telling yourself, powerfully, that it's ok to feel that way and you deserve to reach out for help. You don't say "I feel this but I shouldn't". You say "I feel this way, please help me with this". Like your feelings are legitimate and you deserve support. Very validating.
Regarding the idea that "You shouldn't complain about your grief because someone else is suffering more", I would say that a mother losing a son (or a daughter) is one of the most painful human experiences imaginable. In your case, there were additional very traumatic factors that might made it even worse. So as an objective, even scientific, reality, it is expected that you feel a lot of grief for that most tragic loss.
And there are many painful experiences possible that different people might have. Some worse than otheres. In my experience and the things I have seen and known, there is no bottom to this. You might find something terrible, and then something even worse. But that doesn't mean that the first one is not tragic and deserving of our compassion, care, and attention. This applies to things that happened to ourselves.
Does it make sense?
All the best Lola, and please forgive me for my delay in answering your moving post.
Marcelo
@Tinywhisper11
@HealingTalk yeah it makes sense ❤❤ thanks sweetie ❤❤ I love you ❤ grief is a hard one to process sometimes
@HealingTalk Have you ever felt that your emotions are invalidated by someone or even by yourself? I have. Situations with people where I've had to walk away - I was hurt but they told me I shouldn't feel that way because it was my choice to walk away. I also do this to myself. I grew up being told what to feel or not feel. Now as an adult I question everything I feel - whether it's the right way to feel or if it's ok to feel a certain way
How do you express and channel your emotions while grieving? I don't. I struggle with emotions. I haven't cried. Crying was considered weak and was met with anger. Now that I think about it - all emotions were always challenged 😕 "what are you so happy about?" " do you want a reason to cry?"
Thanks for all the time and effort you put into these posts!
Hi! Thank you @mytwistedsoul for coming here to share your thoughts!
And please forgive me for my delayed answer.
I am very sorry that you were hurt. How unfair! Life can be so unfair! You are such a good person. I can tell from all the good you do here. How respectful, encouraging and caring you are. You are a role model to me in this. And I guess that to many around here.
So it makes me sad that you were hurt and invalidated in that way.
And yes, we internalize the value patterns we are given, particularly when we are small children, but traumatic events and toxic people can also have this power of "injecting" into us that toxicity even when we are adults.
Awareness is the best antidote, I guess, and I am glad that you are aware of this.
Of course, there is the unconsciouss, and things kept there influence us greatly, but are difficult to reach and uproot. The work of a lifetime.
I think that an inquisitive attitude about our thoughts and feelings might be very positive. Like we don't take anything for granted, nor we accept at first value those negative patterns imprinted into us in the past.
That might not necessarily be invalidating, but approaching our inner life with a sense of curiosity and appreciation.
Of course, by their nature, our emotions are a most genuine expressions of who we are. And it's certainly ok to feel any certain way.
Once we are aware of them, respect them, and channel them, it's also ok to try to improve our mood.
For instance, we might feel very sad, become aware of the sadness and its causes (for example because you lost your dog, such a great life companion), then have a good cry. And after you have fully acknowledged and expressed that sadness, intentionally do something to cheer you up, like going to the garden, doing something interesting, or coming here to a playful thread and have fun among online friends.
So this "questioning" might be done not as judging and condemning, but as a compassionate inquiry, and culminate in a genuine effort to feel as well as possible. I think this is healthy and we have the right to do it, of course.
That it's ok not to feel ok, and, once this is acknowledged, it's also ok to try to feel well.
I hope this makes sense.
Again, thank you so much for coming here!
You presence is much valued, a real privilege for us!
I wish you all the very best!
Marcelo.
@HealingTalk Thank you so much for your reply. You always write the nicest replies and you make me and many others feel heard and seen. I know to me - it means alot
@HealingTalk marco?Are you ok??
How perceptive, Lola!
You have supernatural perception!
Like psychic abilities...
Emotionally I feel the best in years.
But I was exhausted from work and a kind of crisis that is going on in my country, which affects our workplace and life.
I rested and did some self-care this weekend, and I feel well now.
Thank you for being so caring to me, and thinking about my wellbeing!
Sending you much love!
Marcelo.
@Tinywhisper11
