Good moments 🌈

Hey Berry ✨ I just found out you have the similar thread to, I am glad I found it too 😃

See you there❤️

tuesday (5th nov): i had this weird desire to shower today right when i woke up (generally i shower in the afternoons) and it went pretty well hehe and i felt so good for a bit. especially since my mother was nice for 2 minutes.

so i had to work on the rest of the files that i had to clear up from that computer and i came across a beautiful video that i made put together when i was 10 years old - by singing some of my favourite songs at the time, filming some little clips of myself acting, and editing it all into a story. i cant believe i did all that at that age. it's beautiful seeing it now. i mean the storyline is so funny and shows how i used to imagine so weird unrealistic things.

it's all good except for the fact that the video is all in pieces in the video editor and if i wanna save it, i'll have to take the clips and edit it all over again. i guess i'll go that over some weekend after i catch up with schoolwork? i dunno but yeah, good watching my 10 year old self and her pretty nice singing, acting and editing lol. i remember i did it all by myself for my mother's birthday in 2020.

i saw something lovely on cups that made me feel better and a little more hopeful.

when my father came home today he was in a good mood and talked to me a bit, and it made me feel better.

my parents and i went bicycling today on a nearby hill road and the downhill rides were fun. the uphill ones sucked though and made me so tired but never mind.

okay that's all i have because i feel horrible right now because i haven't done any schoolwork today so even if i've had any more good moments they have flown out of my memory.

@exuberantBlackberry9105 ... Yes, and there is power in looking at the WOW in small things. Each moment - Wow - the fact that we can breath and see so many magnificent things. The fact that we have internet or electricity. We can learn and read! Those are amazing. Or just the wow of the sky that is a beautiful and endless picture for us each day. There is beauty so much!

i'm sorry i couldnt post anything yesterday. i feel too sleepy right now to do this right now. i hope i can catch up tomorrow.

looks like whenever i miss out on a few days it all just gets so hard to do it again. i wanted to do this today, but i have no energy or motivation to, and i just wanna go to sleep, so forgive me. i promise i will try to do it tomorrow.

okay so this is me trying to catch up, lol. i probably have forgotten a lot, but this is what i do remember. i'm sorry i haven't been consistent with posting.

wednesday (6th nov): so i remember wednesday to be an absolute h3ll of a day but here's the good i can think of.

when i woke up at 11:50 am after a 30 minute nap i felt a little bit better and that was nice. and then i remember watching some youtube that helped and i showered with was nice. in the evening i actually felt okay for a little bit, i dont know how but yeah. and late at night i heard from someone and it was good.

that's all i remember.

thursday (7th nov): so i woke up feeling utterly horrible, like waking up at 6 am for school after a long time. but one thing that helped was the really wonderful weather. like for me it's pretty cold outside in the morning and i like it.

in school my friend was nice to me. i was worried that she would be her overexcited annoying self to be back to school after diwali hols, but she was just fine and i guess sleepy because she had to wake up early for school. she also told me that she didnt study at all during her holidays and though i have my doubts about her lying to me, but if that's the truth, it means she's not gone too ahead of school. by the way she had brought something amazing for breakfast and gave me a bit of it hehe.

our maths teacher was in a really good mood and cracked a bunch of jokes i could laugh to. he comes up with amazing, sensible jokes when he's in a good mood, i must say. though i felt lost in what's being taught, his good mood made the class not feel 2 hours long.

in the library class we were allowed to sit wherever we wanted, like with friends and not roll number wise, so i sat with my friend and we picked up a book about forts in our state and talked about them and the ones each of us have visited (everyone talks in the library, no silence is ever maintained). it was nice talking.

i also found out i have something amazing to look forward to next week. our class picnic on thursday, followed by a long weekend of three days.

also, being in school and kinda being busy helped me stay distracted from my very bad thoughts that just wont go away.

i washed my hair that day and was able to use my preferred shampoo for the first time in months because my mother had bought the wrong shampoo and i needed to finish it first. i'm happy to be back to the shampoo i like. i hope it helps my hair. i loved washing my hair that day and it felt great.

for most of the evening, i felt good and awake despite being on 4 hours of sleep. my mother teaching me also went well. i was feeling nice until something bad happened, but yeah. and i managed to get to bed before 12 am which was really needed since i got through my day on so little sleep with no naps.

friday (8th nov): so the cool morning air was lovely. it does make me feel good. we had general assembly on the ground that day and i was standing in the lovely winter morning sun (a chilly morning is genuinely the only time i like the sun.)

and maths was the first class as usual and the teacher was in a good mood again and i laughed a lot over his jokes. in the history class our teacher normally stands in one place and keeps talking, but that day she was moving around which was good and helped me pay better attention when i felt sleepy. and we got one free period on friday and i was able to use the time to get some work done and felt good about it. i'm glad we got that free period lol.

in the lunch break, this kid who is known for spilling food on the desks in the classroom sat down with his friend at my desk while my friend and i had gone to the washroom. we returned to find him and his friends sitting there and his shoes were on my bench where i am supposed to sit every day all day. my biggest problem was with the shoes. i just called out his name in a very serious, firm tone, expecting him to sit properly with his shoes on the floor. but he actually just got up and moved and had his friends move too. it was totally unexpected, i didnt even need to say anything except one word (his name) and he got up without any further argument or anything. like this is a great moment. i have no idea how this happened but i'm glad it did and that i didn't have to say much.

my mother made dosas for dinner, and it was really nice and i was able to eat fast even with zero hunger because the food was good.

okay, so that's all i remember from friday, and that i went to bed before 12:15 am.

saturday (9th nov): i cant think of much to share but here's what i got.

when i was super angry with what my father told me, i was lying in my bed, on my stomach and with my face hidden in the pillow, and refused to get up when my mother called me for breakfast. but she, instead of getting mad, was actually pretty kind to come lie down next to me and try to hug me. it was really nice of her. and then i felt a little better and sat up on my bed and she talked to me about some stuff and then i felt better and actually when to eat my breakfast. i'm happy that she was nice to me.

and i did some cups work which was nice. other than that, i don't remember much. it was a pretty boring, lazy day spent in my room watching random youtube videos that don't even really help me feel better. yeah, whatever. i don't remember.

but yeah, my mother chose to leave her work and go to sleep, so i too went to sleep early without any problems with her. i was in bed by 12 am and that's pretty good.

sunday (10th nov): today as been a pretty lazy day with lots of useless youtube videos but yeah, when i got myself to do a little bit of homework, i felt good.

also, my hair has been exceptionally nice today even though i last washed it on thursday. but it's been so nice that i decided i can skip washing it today because it looks my definition of nice. and my lips have been doing a lot better today in terms of being cracked and flakey due to the dry weather. i managed to get rid of the flakes, lol and they feel better now.

i got quite a lot of exercise today somehow despite period cramps. i mean i dunno how i did it but i did and i guess it's a good thing though it didn't really change my mood much.

and my shower was good and stuff, and i got a tiny bit of homework now and i feel motivated to go to sleep now lol it's 11 pm so i'll probably pack up and sleep, i'm so sleepy and tired though i got 8 hours of sleep last night.

monday (11th nov): the morning coolness as usual, and on the way to school, i saw the sun was a beautiful reddish orange. i mean at 7:15 am? that's super unusual. it was nice though.

i've been feeling super overwhelmed all day today but in english class, i felt a bit better. last period after a whole day of long boring classes. i somehow felt calmer in the english class and i didn't feel so lost and bored. like english is a little bit of life after all the technicalities of maths and science for most of the day and the very technical grammar stuff of french. and in history the teacher was too exhausted to teach so yeah english was nice though we just wrote a lot and my hand hurt. i got two questions to do and i managed to finish one of them in class.

when i see little kids get off the school bus in the afternoon and see their parents greet them with a smile at the bus stop, it's lovely and honestly i do miss the days when my parents used to come to the bus stop in the afternoon sometimes. it's not happened once since we moved in april because the bus stop is super close now so my mother watches me from the window. i miss those days so bad. like not expecting to find your parents at the stop but finding them there. it saved my life once.

anyway and i guess i'm glad i got some physics homework done. some questions were actually pretty easy though some were a disaster and a lot of drama happened because of them.

i know i'm probably getting a new mattress soon. like the mattress guy came today so my parents checked the material and price and stuff. i dunno how long it will all take but i'd love to have a soft, comfy bed.

i found some stuff on cups that express exactly how i feel. i mean it's honestly lovely to come across something like that. it made me feel better.

that's it. today has been terrible.

@exuberantBlackberry9105 I'm new here and also wish the same 

soooo i missed a good few days again and it's time to catch up lol. i honestly don't remember much but i'll write down whatever little that i do remember.

tuesday (12th nov): i saw a lovely orange sun in the morning again. and i liked the cool temperature in the morning.

lately i've been feeling extremely lost in chemistry class because the teacher is discussing stuff that's not of my level, as someone who doesn't attend any tuitions or coaching classes. but that day i somehow felt like i could follow the class a little bit. i guess that's a good thing.

in marathi class i had to stand in front of the whole class and speak on a topic the teacher would give me literally 2 minutes before. while giving me a topic, she asked me if i have hobbies like cooking, dancing or playing any instruments and i said no to all of them. (i do like dancing in my room when i have the energy but i'm obviously not talking about that in front of my classmates.) then she told me to talk about any book that i've read. i realised that would be a really hard topic so i asked if i can talk about photography as a hobby and thankfully she agreed. that was a relief because that's a relatively easy topic for me since i did a speaking activity on that in 7th grade too.

it's so hard to speak a language i don't really know, and to speak it in front of 39 other students and a horrifyingly judgmental, critical and never ever satisfied teacher, but i managed something. no one laughed, no one clapped, no one made any comments, the teacher said nothing. that is *so* much better than being laughed at and people making jokes of what you said and having the teacher criticise you.

in pe class, we were allowed to go on the school ground for the first time in months that day. normally they just take us to be basketball court. i actually liked being on the ground, it was cold, windy and sunny which was great and the fresh grass of the ground which will only last a few weeks. we were supposed to play football, which i obviously can't play and the other kids kinda hated having me there and called me "the wrong person" to pass the ball to, and of course that hurts, but somehow i managed to not let it hurt me too much. that's a good thing?

some people spread around that the english teacher would take notebooks for checking that day and since i didn't know that, my notebook was incomplete and i got worried but the teacher ended up not taking it, so it was all fine and i felt relieved.

school unexpectedly got over 15 mins earlier than usual because some kinda election rallies and road blockages were expected and the school doesn't want all the school buses to get stuck in the middle of one, so they let us leave earlier. i happened to reach home 15 mins earlier too and that was great because it meant i had 15 more mins to do stuff at home.

i was able to talk to my cups friend and also someone new when i was feeling horrible and crying. it really helped a lot.

i managed to complete most of my physics work, that's supposed to be a good thing? though it meant staying up till 4 am.

that's all that i remember.

wednesday (13th nov): i was expecting my father to say something horrible to me and was so scared all day but nothing came and that's good i guess. i had asked him to drop me to school that morning and going to school on the scooty was quite nice because it was cold and felt good.

we got to go on the school ground and sit in the morning 8 am sun for a little bit and honestly i loved it. i really like the morning sun on cool wintery mornings. i know it's just November and not really winter yet but it feels quite like winter to me somehow.

the school took us on an unexpected field trip and it was awful but most of the time was actually spent sitting and waiting and during that time my friend and i talked so it was nice and helped the time go a bit faster.

when i got home i managed to quickly get a few maths sums done with my mother's help and i felt good having been able to do a little something even being so sleep deprived.

i napped for about an hour and a half right before dinner because i couldn't keep awake anymore and when i was going to nap it somehow felt great that i got something done and got my room all tidy at 7:20 pm to get some sleep, then get up to have dinner, pack my bag and go back to sleep.

i finally went to bed before 11:45 pm and that was nice.

thursday (14th nov): so i had to wake up 15 mins earlier than usual because i needed to shower before school since i wouldn't be home until 8:30 pm and i can't go all day without showering. it was actually nice showering in the morning though i normally never do it.

after going to school, we had to leave for our class picnic from there. and we didn't go by school bus but instead some private buses which were super fancy and looked good and felt good to be in, it was all nice except the seats that didn't suit my body and made my back and neck hurt.

on the bus ride to the amusement park, most kids were actually dancing in the bus, like i dunno how our super strict teacher even allowed them to dance on a moving bus but he did and it was fun watching them all and also looking out the window to see a lot of lovely stuff.

at our destination, i actually had a lot of fun with my friend. i liked most of the rides there and we talked a lot and had quite a good time. her behaviour with me was good and that helped a lot and i didn't have too many bad thoughts while i was there. she kept me busy talking or we were busy with the rides. i can't list down all the good moments i had there, i had lots of them, so i'll just say that i enjoyed most of the time there. lunch was nice too and i got to have a lot of things i haven't had in a long time and the food was good and the gulab jamuns were the way i like them to be. i wasn't expecting it but i actually had a really good time.

i also felt good about being able to support my friend and encouraging her and helping her calm down when she was scared about some rides. i feel good being able to help. also also help her with water because she forgot her water bottle. it made me feel useful.

i discovered something about my friend. i found out why she started talking to me again after she left me all alone for most of 8th grade. i tried to dig into why she stopped talking in the first place but that didn't work, but i did find out why she started again and tried to fix the friendship. it was because she felt lonely, alone, isolated, like she had no one to talk to in the 8th grade picnic. and i didn't really ask her anything about all this, she really opened up herself. i believe that's when she realised that i'm literally the only person who would still talk to her and put up with her annoying behaviour and she decided to start talking to me again because she figured she won't be able to get anyone else to talk to her no matter how much she tired. so she came running back to me shortly after the 8th grade picnic. i'm happy knowing why she came back and i'm kinda glad she did though i will never forget how much she hurt me and how she taught me what it's like to feel lovely. i had never known loneliness before she left me.

the bus ride back to school was nice too. it was dark outside and the moon looked amazing and we came back to school at 8:15 pm. then i came home with my father and i was nice outside at night on the scooty, like the cool wind was lovely.

i had to shower again because i felt so gross from all the sweating, the shower was quite nice though. like after such a long day of being out and my body hurting, a shower does help a lot. and i had a lovely time during dinner while sharing about my day with my mother. it was actually a great day and i had a lot of fun for once. though i was extremely extremely extremely exhausted and my body hurt from all that i had done.

friday (15th nov): it was expectedly a bad day following a really good one. i guess i was just recovering from the previous day's excitement and exhaustion. i was so tired and sleepy, not to mention feeling dizzy and i have no idea why, like i was fine right after all those amusement park rides and felt dizzy and sick the next day? makes no sense but whatever, i got to sleep in the afternoon. when i woke up, for a little while, i actually felt calm and relaxed for a few minutes, and i didn't feel stressed for those few minutes... until i got yelled at, but whatever. those few minutes were lovely.

by the way i woke up in the morning and went right to wash my hair. it felt good. but i did get a huge scolding about it later.

in the evening my parents and i went out because we had a few things to buy and it was going horribly but when we got it mostly done, we went to a stationery store around close by there since we were already there. i got some stuff that i needed and then, to my surprise, my mother suddenly came up to me to tell me to go pick out a children's day gift for myself because it was children's day on 14th nov.

i didn't know what to choose but we landed on a little statue like thingy of two kittens, one hugging the other. so it's a bit of a decorative gift that i can't really use (i could use it as a paper weight, but i don't ever need one). but i think it's really cute and it's nice to have it sitting on my table. the kittens are very cute with lovely eyes that look teary to me but it's cute. i actually quite like it. it looks cute and comforting and it's right on my study table.

during dinner my father got really mad at me and yelled a bit but i was able to laugh it off, especially since my mother laughed about it too. and she talked to me pretty nicely so i didn't feel bad about what my father just did.

that's all i recall for yesterday.

saturday (16th nov): so i managed to get started with homework fairly early and got a bit done, though i got distracted and couldn't carry on for long and stopped soon and i've only done very little. but getting started at 11 am does feel good. and i got my room tidied before that. i got a few maths sums done in the evening and i felt good about that.

my hair has been good today and i haven't been as sick as yesterday, that's a good thing. i took a nap in the afternoon because i felt super sleepy. when i just woke up, for a bit i felt really calm and free of worries and stress. it only lasted a few minutes, but yeah.

i had a good laugh today seeing my father doing something crazy. like it's not a good thing but somehow it made me laugh. that's supposed to be good?

i have this rod in my room that my parents want me to jump high and hold on to and hang from it because they say it might help me grow a little taller. it's actually too high for me to jump up and hold so i need a stool to climb on to catch it but today i managed to jump high enough to hold it. i hope i can do this every day because having to climb on a stool to do it really brings on my suicidal thoughts a lot. they don't come that much if i can jump to hold it. i dunno if i make sense but whatever.

i just got a lovely hug from my mother a little while ago. i really loved it. i dunno what made her give me one, like i didn't do anything to get it as a reward for but i loved her hugging me. it felt nice.

i think that's it for today.

sunday (17th nov): so when i woke up today i somehow felt quite good. then later in the morning i felt horrible and cried. i felt a good after crying though and also watched some youtube during that time and it actually made me feel really good for a little bit. like i felt calm and not overwhelmingly stressed.

my mother wasn't that horrible to me during lunch and i guess that's good. though she did yell about lunchtime later on. i know this is probably not a great thing but i actually feel good knowing that my mother would be happy with me dead.

nothing much, but i did get a very little bit of schoolwork done today and i think that's a good thing. and i did my cups work today and i actually felt really good doing it. somehow i always feel good helping on cups. it helps my mood a lot.

that's all i have for today it's been a horrible day with my mother...